return calmly to their bunks. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Gaia is real! Gaia is everywhere around us! She is what you stand on! She is the Eternal Mother! Gaia loves you! Open your mind – [[Advertisement deleted for security reasons]]
DEAR EDITOR, The column of bunks next to me fell over last nightstretch while I was sleeping and disappeared into the floor! Both my legs were broken. Fortunately, I managed to hide under my covers during the resulting riot. But when I got myself to a medical clinic, the medibots refused to treat me until I provided a satisfactory explanation for my wounds! What should I tell them? Jie Huang B-13 sector.
DEAR JIE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
PLOT TO MURDER LOHIT THAKUR FOILED! Alpha clearance citizen and Vizier of Product Realization over at Developmental Engineering, Lohit Thakur, was narrowly rescued from certain death earlier today. What is already being billed across the various subnets as the Yoyo Murder fortunately never happened – thanks to Harold Schmink, hithertofore an undistinguished concrete mixer from E-14 sector. The wily executor of the insidious plot, Geraldine Lesauvage – an avid and by all accounts skilled fan of the yoyo – was standing above citizen Lohit on the sector exchange between F-7 and F-8 sectors when the toy she was hurling with callous disregard about her person suddenly broke free. The adamantine and hard-edged pair of disks connected by an axle sped unerringly towards its oblivious target. At considerable risk to himself, Harold Schmink bravely pulled citizen Lohit to safety. Naturally, the hard-nosed wretch claimed the whole incident was an accident, but Harold Schmink was able to describe in vivid detail the cruel look in her eye just before she struck. Citizen Lohit Thakur promoted him to Epsilon clearance on the spot, and the odious Geraldine Lesauvage was hauled away. Fortunately, no one is likely to ever hear from her again.
MILFRED ROTH ARRESTED! Celebrity manager and Beta clearance citizen Milfred Roth was detained earlier this weekstretch by a Search and Extraction Team in a daring operation carried out in the transtube. Trapped somewhere betwen C-4 and C-6 sectors, he was forced to limp from the smoking remains of his limopod with his hands in the air. Although it might come as a shock to some of you, there can be no doubt that citizen Milfred is a vile terrorist and member of the God and Freedom Church. His boardroom antics – including high-profile mass layoffs coupled with executive bonuses, forced renegotiation of contracts under duress, and raiding corporate pension funds with impunity – were a favorite with the public. Unfortunately, they were also a duplicitous act meant to cover up terrorist activities. What exactly he's been up to will be revealed in the coming weekstretches right here at Today's Edition (TM). Stay tuned as our editorial staff applies a magnifying lens to his sordid, miserable life. It goes without saying that you can count on our journalistic integrity and professional objectivity.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Johnson & Wesley (TM) is a name synonymous with cool, long-lasting relief. Do you suffer from internal hemorrhoids? There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Did you know that one-in-three citizens suffers from the same affliction as you? Johnson & Wesley (TM) Anal Cream (TM) provides blissful and immediate relief without the painful side-effects of surgery. Johnson & Wesley (TM) Anal Cream (TM). “Also good for treating anal fissures and anusitis caused by flatulence or yeast infection.”
DEAR EDITOR, Is Milfred Roth really a terrorist? It's just so hard to believe... I've been a fan for yearstretches. I've even got autographed pink slips under my pillow! Last yearstretch he came to V sector and set up a mobile boardroom in the Bernard B. Kerik Plaza near Barracks Seven, and I got to see him chew out a table full of vice-presidents. One of them even cried! It was awesome! Dazed and confused, Sally Richards V-13 sector.
DEAR SALLY, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: As you very well know, all citizens are required by the Guidelines on Daily Living to deposit recyclable materials into the bins and chutes provided throughout the Bunker for your convenience. It is, however, important to remember that not every object is a candidate for reclamation. Used sanitary tissue in particular cannot be salvaged and should therefore be properly disposed of in the clearly marked containers found in your cleaning station. Throwing used sanitary tissue into recycling chutes is not only unhygienic but needlessly subjects your fellow citizens to unhealthy pathogens. Remember: “If it's got shit on it, there's nothing more we can do with it.” Thank you for your cooperation.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
FIENDISH PLOT TO OBSTRUCT JUSTICE THWARTED! A deputy assistant quality control engineer at a pencil factory in V-13 sector was detained several daystretches ago on suspicion of withholding evidence in an ongoing criminal investigation. Citizen Sally Richards was taken away without incident from Barracks Seven, an evidence collector from Homeland Security closely in tow bearing bulging sacks of incriminating documents found concealed under her tiny pillow. The exact nature of her scandalous collusion with traitorous elements is impossible to deduce from the available information, but given the forceful denunciations proffered by her bunkmates, citizen Sally's sinister plot was surely averted in the nick of time. Incidentally, the untidy condition of her bunk will only add to the severity of her punishment. Hysterical objections screamed at the top of her lungs that she was sleeping in it at the time are pedantic and will certainly be of no help to her during questioning.
And now a word from our sponsors!
Are you a bicycle junkie? Love to get to the gym and burn through your daily exercise regimen? Well, that's a lot of sweat you have to manage. And sweat is unhygienic! Fortunately, we at the Simiq Corporation (TM) have the perfect solution: sportswear of the highest quality, perfect for absorbing that smelly and disreputable byproduct of all your desperate efforts to stay in shape. Simiq (TM) produces several lines of fashionable and alluring jumpsuits, arm- and headbands, goggles – anything, in fact, for the dedicated exercise junkie. Simiq (TM) sportswear is available at a boutique nearest you! “Go ahead and reach for the ceiling!”
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS MILFRED ROTH! It's only been a weekstretch, but still many of you find it hard to believe that former celebrity manager Milfred Roth is in fact a deranged outlaw suffering from dangerous and potentially contagious bouts of psychosis. Preliminary tests performed under the tightest security at an undisclosed location have repeatedly shown that Milfred Roth has long suffered from narcissistic personality disorder, hallucinations, and bad breath. Long and drawn-out testimonials from victims of his preternatural halitosis can be viewed here. In addition, a cursory search of his residence at the High Times Manor Q-2 sector has turned up truckpods of indisputable evidence chronicling his involvement in such past but regrettably familiar disasters as: the imminent threat of star Gliese 710, the irreparable loss of a prototype of an advanced wartime cybot in H-5 sector, and the suspicious death of citizen Hamar Quail – last yearstretch's champion in the Shark Swim event. In addition, there is abundant surveillance of him wantonly hanging around in queues of more than twenty-five persons. Fortunately, Milfred Roth has been demoted to Delta clearance and will no longer be able to hide behind a cloak of invulnerability. Stay tu
ned to future dispatches of Today's Edition (TM) to learn the sordid details of his protracted confessions as they emerge!
PUPPET PARADE IN P SECTOR! That's right, citizens, it's time for more mandatory fun in P sector! The annual Puppet Parade is on the prowl! Anyone traveling through P sector today is required to be in possession of a handmade puppet. No exceptions will be made. Candidate puppets should meet the guidelines published on P sector's public portal on X.net. There are proportional, material, as well as aesthetic components. If you have business in P sector today and cannot find the time to produce your own handmade puppet, please progress to the security checkpoints provided for your convenience around the perimeter of P sector to turn yourself in. Thank you for your cooperation.
HILLARY BINZER AND MARSHA WONG TAKEN INTO CUSTODY! Who would have thought that these two seemingly upstanding citizens had irrevocably associated themselves with that heinous chieftain of filth and corruption, Milfred Roth? They tried to hide behind unblemished records distinguished by falsified Marks of Excellence and even a fanciful Fifteen Minutes of Fame, but their carefully laid plans came to naught thanks