against him by Today's Edition is nothing more than a calculated attempt to defame a loyal denizen of the Bunker and strike a blow at Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a close friend and associate of Milfred's. Rest assured that citizen Rahayu will deploy all of her considerable powers to free Milfred Roth and combat the owners of Today's Edition, lackeys and miscreants linked to the notorious Pontifex Maximus of Central Management, Llewellyn Wells. He is the root of all evil. For your own safety, do not believe any of the lies you read here. [[ End coded message ]] shameless abandon. Anyone else who was an unfortunate victim of Milfred Roth's rapacious thirst for sex- and bloodsport is invited to come forward by filling out form 0xB09EE7F9 'Affidavit Providing Incontrovertible Proof That Milfred Roth Is A Big Fat Traitor', conveniently provided by Central Management. Stayed tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch of Today's Edition (TM) for the most recent updates as they come in.
DEAR EDITOR, Ever since my boyfriend died in a freak accident at the Charles Wendell Colson Sports Center L-6 sector, I've had – well, difficulties. There are so many people in the corridors outside. And the plazas! Never mind the plazas. I'm getting all sweaty just thinking about it. They gave me meds at my local clinic, but they aren't helping. The panic attacks are only getting worse. I haven't been to work in four daystretches. Now they're saying I'm faking it. They're going to put me in a restraint and take me away... But I can't leave! My bunk is the only place I feel safe! Please, O please help me! What should I do? Desperate with time running out, Bridget Dopplebott L-11 sector.
DEAR BRIDGET, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
TERRORIST STRIKE IN J SECTOR!! Hundreds – perhaps thousands – of innocent citizens lost their lives last weekstretch in a bizarre but deadly attack in J sector. The cause of death: asphyxiation. No signs of violence – other than those perpetrated by the frantic victims themselves as they tried to escape – could be ascertained, nor were there any explosions or obvious industrial tampering by which the air quality could have been compromised. A team of investigators from Homeland Security has been assigned to the case. Hillary Binzer and Marsha Wong, both of H-11 sector, are the prime suspects. Survivors and citizens from other sectors with business there should not go out of their way to avoid J sector. The good Alphas down at Control assure us that the danger – whatever it was – has lifted.
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NUTTY THE HAPPY NEUTRON GOES ON TOUR! Everybody loves Nutty the Happy Neutron. That adorable man-shaped mascot with the floating balls around his head – those are ions, folks – is frequently sighted around the Bunker, dispelling fallacies and misunderstandings about the wonders and benefits of nuclear power. Ever wonder what nuclear fuel looks like? Then come on down to the Dwight L. Chapin Plaza D-7 sector! Nutty will have a few of those alluring fuel rods with him. You can examine one up close and even touch its smooth, silky exterior. Citizens, as Nutty is always reminding us, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Nuclear power is entirely safe and fun!
AND NOW AN UPDATE ON THAT INFAMOUS ARCHITECT OF CHAOS AND LICENTIOUSNESS MILFRED ROTH! Ladies and gentlemen, now that the spigot has been opened, the confessions keep pouring out of Milfred Roth's vile and halitosis-plagued mouth. And there are a few notable surprises among them. Not only is this incorrigible and hardened hoodlum able to sow mass death in J sector from captivity, but it turns out he is also responsible for previous catastrophic disasters resulting in substantial loss of life, including: malware introduced into medibots performing emergency surgery in R sector, a deadly malfunction of the lifts and escalators in U sector, and a regrettable administrative error at H&C whereby an entire department in C sector was poured over in concrete, burying hundreds of innocent citizens alive. Stay tuned to next weekstretch's dispatch for more updates on the ongoing investigation into Milfred Roth's unrestrained propensity for anarchy and debauchery.
TRAFFIC REROUTED IN Q SECTOR! Due to planned maintenance in the transtube, all vehicular traffic through the industrial district in Q-8 sector has been closed off. Citizens are asked to plan accordingly. Rumors that there was a terrible accident at the Joyful Encounters Nuclear Facility are unfounded and will not be tolerated. The boys and girls over at Control have asked us to remind you that knowingly spreading rumors in the Bunker is a crime punishable by a fine, scrubber, and/or restraint. The truckpods and ambulances entering and exiting the restricted area at high speed are participating in the reconstruction efforts. H&C wants to get these repairs over with as quickly as possible, folks!
DEAR EDITOR, I am being ruthlessly pursued by a debt recovery agency for a bill that's not mine. They've called my supervisor, my boyfriend – even the commissary where I get my meals! I'm embarrassed to say the least. Now everyone thinks I'm a deadbeat who leaves unpaid debts all over town. Yesterday, I had a talk with my supervisor. She was planning on docking my pay! I begged and pleaded, and she finally agreed to hold off after I said I'd do her a few favors, but still... How long can this go on for? Don't they have to show proof? The debt's not mine! A victim of fraud, Inge de Varebeke B-12 sector.
DEAR INGE, the Bunker is a utopia. Everything already works perfectly the way it is. Thanks for taking the time to write to us.
That's all the time we have for today, folks. On behalf of the staff here at Today's Edition (TM), it was a pleasure to serve you. Until next weekstretch!
Greetings, citizens. My name is – well, that's not really important right now. What is important is that you're tuned in to the latest dispatch from Today's Edition (TM)!
INDUSTRIAL OUTPUT DECLINES SHARPLY! Over the last weekstretch, the flow of basic materials from the outside has dwindled to dangerous levels. Lithium, cobalt, nickel, copper, zinc, niobium, molybdenum, lanthanum, europium, tungsten, and gold are all in short supply. At the moment, nothing seems amiss, but as the effects ripple through the supply chain, the average citizen will eventually come to experience firsthand the many hardships attendant with such broad-based scarcity. The boys and girls over at Control are demanding answers, and Rahayu Sulistyowati, Alpha clearance citizen and a member of the College of Augurs in the Procurement conglomerate, has come under intense scrutiny for her role in the affair. Is it simply a question of gross incompetence, or does Rahayu Sulistyowati have more sinister motives? Stay tuned for answers to those questions and more in upcoming dispatches of Today's Edition (TM)!
And now a word from our sponsors!
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CAREER MODEL ACCIDENTALLY CONFESSES TO TREASON! Haakon the Furious, a handsome model for the newest trends in penal colony apparel and Gamma clearance citizen to boot, was arrested earlier this weekstretch after filling out routine