“It’s okay,” Todd said. He rubbed his head. “I guess since you’re stuck with a substandard bald, white, American male, you might as well tell me why you abducted me.”
“The most beautiful woman in the universe has been kidnapped and we need an American to rescue her!” Harry said.
“He has a bit of a crush,” Dick explained.
“Who is she? One of your people?” Todd asked.
All three aliens looked at the floor. Tom said, “Actually, our females aren’t as attractive as more humanoid ones.”
“A little flat-chested,” Dick said.
“Men are apparently pond scum on any planet,” Todd mumbled.
“She’s the queen of a planet on the less-fashionable side of the galaxy,” Harry said. “But she’s still beautiful, and she was leading her people out of their dark ages and into the enlightened period.”
“As if our governmental system is more enlightened,” Dick said.
Todd got to his feet and staggered. “Who are we up against?”
“General Doz of the Ninth Breedonian Battle Fleet,” Tom said. “Their entire culture is so similar to American’s military industrial complex that our cultural advisor felt that we needed an American to fight them.”
“Hasn’t anyone tried to rescue her?” Todd asked.
“The democratic government of our part of the galaxy doesn’t get involved in local governmental affairs unless they have a resource that we want to exploit,” Tom said.
“Oil?”
“No, something rarer than that,” Harry said. “Maple syrup. All our ships run on it.”
“I thought I smelled pancakes,” Todd said.
“The Maple Wars of our history have been bloody and long,” Tom said.
“I’m waiting to hear that your government is about to annex Vermont,” Todd said.
“What?” Dick asked.
“Never mind,” Todd said. “What’s the plan?”
Tom told Todd the plan, which involved a prison break, lots of running and screaming, and Todd jumping through the air while firing two guns.
“We’re screwed, aren’t we, human?” Harry asked.
“Yeah,” Todd said. “Pretty much. But before you, I was screwed in a couple of months anyway. I might as well go out in a blaze of glory.”