* * *
Using another setting to the cloaking device (making the ship look like it was driven by the intergalactic equivalent of the Geek Squad), Tom, Dick, Harry, and Todd slipped passed the defenses of the Ninth Breedonian Battle Fleet and landed on Yama II, about two blocks from the Pan-Galactic Exports Detention and Execution Center and Office Complex. The Yamans were, according to Doctor Gree’ka’la’balla’tola, the galaxy’s foremost authority on making money on things. They had even found a way to make money off poverty, which Todd was pretty sure that America’s biggest corporations had also discovered.
The city was so much like New York that Todd had to remind himself repeatedly that he was on an alien planet and breathing air courtesy of a shot that Dick had given him before they beamed down. Alien cars were stuck in alien traffic, alien smog choked alien lungs, and billboards advertised things from soda to new movies. In fact, as Todd discovered, the alien hot-dog vendors sold alien hot-dogs (that tasted like chicken).
“Are you done eating?” Harry snapped.
Todd wiped away some alien mustard and said, “Old rule of mine: never rescue a smoking hot alien queen on an empty stomach.”
“If anyone tries to pick up Queen Hot-Tay, it’ll be me!” Harry said, jabbing a finger into Todd’s stomach.
“If you had a shot, you wouldn’t have abducted a cancer-riddled human to help you,” Todd said.
“And we cured that cancer,” Harry said.
“Accidentally,” Dick said. “Technically, the human doesn’t owe us anything.”
There were so many different types of aliens wandering around the city that no one noticed Todd or the three aliens walking with him. Beneath their coats, each was decked out like Neo in The Matrix.
When they got to the detention and execution center, an angry Breedonian crew looked for weapons. They had an old-looking lady alien off to the side and were patting her down like they worked for the TSA. One of the Breedonians grunted, “Sorry, ma’am, but we have to randomly check everyone. No profiling.” He then pulled on a latex-looking glove and said, “You’ll have to bend over…”
“How are we going to get through this security?” Tom asked.
“You don’t have a plan for this?” Todd asked.
“Can’t you just jump through the air and shoot them?” Harry asked.
“Hang on,” Todd said. “What ethnic group are they profiling against but pretending they’re not profiling against?”
“Green Sazmarians,” Tom said. “One percent of them are a dangerous group of eco-terrorists. The rest are a nice, peaceful people who think the eco-terrorists give them all a bad name.”
“Uh-huh,” Todd said. “See that briefcase over there? Grab it!”
Quickly, Dick snagged a silver briefcase from the conveyor belt. He handed it to Todd.
“Now are Green Sazmarians actually green?” Todd asked.
“Yep,” Tom said. “They’re not like Yellow Habakians who are purplish.”
Todd looked around and spotted a nervous-looking green man in the line behind them.
“I am such a horrible human being for doing this,” Todd said. He tossed the briefcase to the green man. The startled Sazmarian caught the briefcase and squeaked some sort of curse.
Todd jumped back and screamed: “Help! That Green Sazmarian has a bomb! He just yelled that all this pollution is killing Mother Yama!”
“Everybody clear out!” one of the Breedonaians shouted. The one with the glove pulled his hand free with the sound of a cork being removed and jumped over the counter.
“Let’s go,” Todd said as the Breedonians chased after the green man, “and don’t touch that counter.”
A moment later, they were inside the detention center and using Dick’s scanner to find their way to the queen’s cell.
“So this little excursion isn’t sanctioned by your government?” Todd asked as they dodged passed a couple of guards.
“Nope,” Tom said. “We’re just bored.”
“Next time you want to do something this crazy, abduct me again, okay?” Todd said.
“Excited?”
“It’s like playing a video game, but I can die for real. You know the funny thing? I’m not afraid of dying anymore.”
“You’re not?”
“Now snealing…” Todd said.
“This is it,” Dick interrupted. They came to a great big metal door in the middle of the complex that had several words scrolling across its holographic screen. Dick handed his scanner over to Todd so Todd could read the writing through the holographic translator display.
Top Secret Prisoner Kept Inside. Go away!
Todd handed it back. “Any ideas on how we’ll get inside.”
“Already on it,” Tom said. He shooed them away from the door. “This trick always works.”
Tom knocked on the door.
“Hello?” said a gruff voice through a speaker.
“Did anyone in here order a pizza? I have a triple-glat-cheese pizza with dekron fish and pepperoni.”
There was a pause.
“No. Go away.”
“Really? I’m pretty sure my communicator said the Main Detention Cell in the Pan-Galactic Sports Detention and Execution Center and Exercise Complex.”
“This is the Pan-Galactic Exports Detention and Execution Center and Office Complex,” the voice said. “The Pan-Galactic Sports Detention and Execution Center and Exercise Complex is on the other side of town!”
“Oh, great,” Tom said. “Hey, look, do you want the pizza? It’ll be cold by the time I get there, so I’ll have to get another one made anyway.”
There was a pause. Harry whispered, “Get ready!”
“Fine,” the voice said. The door hissed and opened.
Todd pulled out both of his guns, closed his eyes, and screamed. He dove through the opening door and began pulling the triggers.
When he opened his eyes, five Breedonians lay on the ground with sizzling burns on their chests.
“Wow! That worked!” Todd gasped.
“I activated the auto-targeting function on the guns before we left,” Harry said as he peeked his head in the door. “Just in case.”
“Harry’s a lousy shot,” Dick said.
“Yeah, says the guy who can’t tranquilize Big Foot,” Harry mumbled.
“Don’t just stand there, get me out!” snapped a voice from the corner.
The queen leaned against the bars in the corner, both well-muscled and nicely tanned arms reached out toward them. Her chest heaved and she switched her weight from one shapely leg to the other. Blond hair spilled down from her head and her violet eyes had a fire in them.
“Wow!” Todd said.
“You’re gawking, human,” Tom said.
“So’s Harry,” Todd said. He walked over to the cell and looked at the lock. “Well, your highness, as soon as we figure out this locking mechanism…oh, hell, step back.”
She obeyed. Todd dialed up the setting on his gun and blasted the lock. It vaporized and the door swung open.
The queen stepped through the smoke in slow-motion. Her eyes looked Todd up and down for a moment and her tongue slipped across her red lips.
“Where are you from, Stranger?”
“Earth,” Todd said. He struck his best action hero pose.
“And is this your crew?”
“The best team I could assemble to rescue you, ma’am,” Todd said.
She was very close now. Her finger trailed along Todd’s chest. “Really? Looks like you’re capable of…rescuing me all on your own.”
“He’s flirting with her!” Harry said.
“Like you really had a chance,” Tom said. “Look, human, before all the blood runs out of your brain, we need to get out of here.”
“Right,” Todd said. “General Doz might have noticed the break-out by now.”
“You have a ship?” Hot-Tay asked.
“Yes,” Harry said. “It?
??s in Orbital Parking Garage Seventy-Two-B.”
“It’s Seventy-Two-C!” Dick said.
“No, I’m sure it’s B.”
“Look, I told you to remember where we parked,” Tom said. “We’re going to be running from killer Breedonians and we can’t remember where we parked.”
“It was Seventy-Two-C,” Todd said. “Come on.”
“Give me a gun,” the queen said. Todd handed one over.
They all approached the door and Todd leaned against the frame.
“What do we do now, human?” Tom asked.
“Well, if this was a video game, I would peek around the door and see if there’s anyone out there.”
“But?”
“I don’t want to get shot in the forehead.”
“We need to know if someone’s out there,” Harry said.
Todd took a deep breath. He then quickly peeked around the door and pulled back in as a hail of laser bolts battered the wall.
“There are people out there,” Todd said.
“Good thing Breedonians don’t believe in using auto-targeting,” Dick said.
“What’s your plan for getting us out of here?” the queen asked.
“You could distract them by removing your top,” Todd suggested.
“Breedonian males find mammalian features repulsive,” the queen said.
“Yeah, well, it would have helped me to die happy,” Todd said.
“Me, too,” the aliens said at the same time.
“Queen Hot-Tay!” Doz’s voice yelled. “Surrender and we’ll kill you.”
“Don’t you mean or?” Todd shouted back.
There was a pause. Finally, Doz said, “No, no, I meant and. I’m pretty sure…yeah! Yeah, I meant and. Surrender and we’ll kill you all.”
“Over our dead bodies, General!” Harry shouted.
“That’s the idea, moron,” Tom said.
“Do you have any grenades?” Todd asked.
Suddenly a round, spiky object bounced into the room.
“What’s that?” Todd asked.
“A grenade,” Hot-Tay said.
“How convenient,” Todd said. He bent down, scooped it up, and tossed it back out at the general and his men.
There were several shouts of what Todd assumed was swearing, followed by something that was definitely a boom.
“That’s it, people,” Todd said. “Nobody lives forever.”
Todd turned and opened fire. The queen dropped to one knee to his left, wrapped a hand around his leg, and joined in on the violence. The three aliens screamed and jumped through the air, shooting as they flew.
Thankfully, everyone was using the auto-targeting function of their guns. Breedonians writhed and died in slow motion as General Doz ran toward them, snarling and foaming at the mouth.
The queen let go of Todd’s leg and rolled to the wall. She shot a couple of Breedonians who were trying to slip in under the sizzling bolts of their guns.
Doz continued to run, spittle hanging in the air where he had been a step or two before.
Doz hit the three aliens like a bowling ball, tossing them all into the air like the intergalactic equivalent of rag dolls. He then barreled into Todd and knocked him backwards into the detention cell. A scaly, clawed hand clamped around Todd’s throat and Todd was lifted from the ground to be held in the air. He grabbed ahold of the arm and smelled Doz’s breath as the toothy alien snorted in triumph.
“Well fought, warrior!” Doz said. He pulled Todd closer. “You were a worthy opponent, but you forgot one thing.”
“What’s that?” Todd gasped.
“The auto-targeting function has a glitch!” Doz said. “If someone is crazy enough to charge the one shooting, the gun assumes that the person doing the shooting should be able to hit the crazy person without help, so it refuses to auto-target the runner.”
“Must have missed that in the owner’s manual,” Todd said.
“Now,” Doz said as his grip tightened, “sneal. Sneal before Doz!”
Todd blinked. He then found himself laughing.
Doz blinked. “What? What is this laughter? I said sneal! This isn’t snealing!”
The whine of a charging gun made Todd open his eyes.
“Sneal this, you mother-gnaffer!” Hot-Tay said.
Todd turned his head away from the death of Doz. The scaly hand let go and he fell to the ground. He heard a heavy thud as he shook away the stars.
A strong hand grabbed the back of his bald head and pulled his face forward. Todd opened his eyes for a second to find himself in a passionate and powerful kiss.
When she was done, Queen Hot-Tay picked Todd up and said to Tom, Dick, and Harry, “Let’s get to your ship!”
“Yes, ma’am!” Tom said.
“You can put me down now,” Todd said as they ran through the corridors. His weight didn’t seem to bother her much.
“When we get to their ship…” Hot-Tay began.
“I don’t want to hear it!” Harry yelled.
Hot-Tay put Todd on his feet and they rounded a corner. A Breedonian with a hand in a latex glove stood there with a gun in his other hand.
“That was no terrorist,” he growled.
“Give it up,” Todd said. “The general’s dead.”
The alien blinked. He then pointed the gun at them. “Great, now I’m unemployed!”
“Doesn’t someone else take over?” Todd asked. “There has to be a major or a colonel or something, right?”
Dick cleared his throat. “General’s kind of an honorary title in the Breedonian culture. The lawyers will have to figure out who gets control of the Ninth Breedonian Battle Fleet, and that could take months. This poor guy’s going to be waiting tables to pay the bills.”
“Nothing wrong with that,” Todd said. “I did that for a few years in college. You get to meet some really neat people – and you don’t have to stick your hand up anyone’s backside!”
The Breedonian looked at his gloved hand and sighed. He holstered his gun. “Yeah, my job did suck, didn’t it? But with the recession and all, I was happy just to have a job. Oh, well. Get out of here.”
“Now let’s just hope the human’s right about the parking garage,” Harry said as they ran to the beam-up site.
* * *
Tired, sore, and with a couple of claw marks on his back, Todd landed hard on his patio because Harry “accidentally” targeted the beam a couple of feet above the concrete.
His cell phone was still on the glass table, waiting in the daylight of a brand new day.
Todd quickly called his mother.
“Mom?” Todd asked. “Good news: I’m quitting cancer treatments! No, no, the bad news is that I’m going to be moving away, but I’m sure I can visit once a month or so, but I’m not how intergalactic travel works. Yes, I said intergalactic. No, I’m not crazy. Look, next week, you’ll come with us to her home planet to meet her people. People, not parents. She’s a…oh, never mind, I’ll explain when we’re in orbit, okay?”
Todd hung up and smiled at the sun hanging over his empty lawn.
Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net Share this book with friends