I REALLY DIDN’T know what I was expecting. I’d thought of everything from a secret baby (hey, it had happened with Audrey) to that she was a secret agent to all kinds of crazy stuff. When I finally got to the thing she was so terrified to tell me, I had to admit, I had a moment of shock. But then I kept reading and that was it. That was the terrible secret.
Trish was bisexual. That was all. She’d had girlfriends and boyfriends before and the reason she’d been so upset about Ric was that they’d had a relationship.
No one knew about it, not even Stryker. Somehow she’d been able to hide it from him.
When I got to the end of the letter, I took a few moments to assemble my thoughts. She was opening herself up to me and I had to be so incredibly careful about what words I used.
She was still pacing, so I looked up and called her name.
“Trish?”
She had tears on her cheeks.
“Oh, hun,” I said, getting up and putting my arms around her. I hugged her so close she probably couldn’t breathe. “I love you. I still love you. This doesn’t change anything. You’re so brave for sharing this with me, and I’m honored.” I hoped those were the right words. They felt right.
She pulled back from me, searching my eyes.
“You don’t care?” Her voice was thick with emotion.
“No. You’re you. You’ll always be you. And you are perfect just the way you are.” I couldn’t stop myself from kissing her lips. They tasted a little bit like salt from her tears.
She started shaking and I moved us over to my bed so we could sit down together. Trish collapsed against me and I just held her for a while as she cried and let it all out.
“You’re so brave. I love you so much,” I kept saying as I stroked her hair and held her close.
This secret had eaten her up for years and I couldn’t imagine what was going on inside her right now that she’d shared it with me.
Her sobs slowed and then finally she pulled back from me and wiped her eyes.
“You don’t care that I like girls too? That doesn’t bother you?” I shook my head slowly.
“You don’t think that I’m going to go out and cheat on you?” What?
“Huh?”
She sighed.
“Well, I mean, that’s what people always think. Or that I’m just ‘confused.’” She put air quotes around the word confused.
“Neither of those things has crossed my mind. I guess I just never thought about it much. And I know you and I love you and I trust you, so what other people think and say just doesn’t matter.”
Now she was the one shaking her head.
“I just can’t believe it. I thought you were going to say I was disgusting and want to break up with me.” I pushed her hair back from her face.
“No way.” She started laughing. It sounded a little hysterical.
“I just can’t believe I was so worried and you don’t even give a shit.”
“Nope. Not at all. Now if you’d said you’d murdered someone and needed some help hiding the body, then maybe I might have a few reservations, but this? Psh, this is nothing.” She kept laughing and I couldn’t help but join her.
“I something you,” she said. “That’s two thirds.” I threw my head back and laughed.
“I something you too, Trish.”
HE DIDN’T FUCKING care. How was that possible? I guess I’d underestimated him. Now I felt like a complete moron for making such a big deal out of it. If he didn’t care, then who else might not care? My brother? Lottie? All my other friends? Clearly none of them cared about Simon and Brady or Zoey in The Band, so why would they care about this? Stryker might be a little weird about the fact that both of us had slept with Ric, but it wasn’t that big of a deal, right? I mean, Zan and Stryker had both slept with Katie and they got over that, right?
After I got over my shock, I started telling him more things. About how I knew I was bisexual even before I knew that was a thing. I’d always felt different, that I didn’t fit into a box and then everything made sense when I was twelve and I had my first kiss at a sleepover with another girl on a dare. I liked it and then a few weeks later I’d kissed a boy as well and that had been great too.
For me, it was more about the person than their gender. If Max was a girl, I’d still be attracted to him. There was just… something about him. Something that went beyond the fact that he had a penis. He’d be a pretty girl, actually. I told him that and he roared with laughter.
“Well, I hate to break it to you, but I think I’m set with being a guy,” he said.
“Damn,” I said and we laughed some more. He didn’t pry, or interrupt, or judge me at all.
Max was a miracle. A miracle that had somehow fallen from the sky into my life and I’d never used the word “blessed” before, but I did feel that way.
“Do you think you’re going to tell your brother?” he asked me. I sighed.
“I’m not sure. I mean, it’s going so well with you, so maybe? He’ll probably be mad that I didn’t tell him before you.” We were lying back on his bed, cuddling close.
“You know he’s not going to care at all. Anyone who really loves you isn’t going to give it a second thought.” God, I hoped so. I’d been hiding it so long and making such a huge issue of it in my head that I’d built it up into this insurmountable obstacle to my life, but now that wall was starting to crumble.
“So, do I kiss better than a girl?” he asked and that made me laugh again. Who knew I was going to be laughing so much when I officially “came out.” I really hated that term. No one had to come out and say “hey, guess what, I’m straight!” Straight was the default and that pretty much sucked for the rest of us.
“You kiss better than anyone I’ve ever kissed before,” I said, and it was the complete and total truth.
“Wow, I was just kind of joking,” he said, putting his lips to my temple. “That’s quite a compliment.”
“Do I kiss better than other girls?” I watched his face as he answered.
“Are you kidding? All of that other stuff I’ve done before was just… nothing. It was lips touching and nothing more. Kissing you is like… being set on fire.” I knew exactly what he meant.
“So then we owe it to kissing to do it as much as possible,” I said.
“Absolutely. We have no choice,” he said, nodding seriously. Before I could second-guess myself, I got up and straddled him and pressed my lips to his.
Fire. It was just like that.
Our tongues met and sparks burst in my brain and everything tingled everywhere. Down below, I could feel his hardness pressing against his jeans and into me. I rolled my hips and he moaned into my mouth. I swallowed it and the sound fueled me further.
I broke the kiss and sat up, pulling my shirt over my head. My bra and panties didn’t match and weren’t particularly stunning, but from the look on his face when he stared at me, it didn’t matter. He made me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet. It was an intoxicating thing. I was almost high on it.
The bra came off and I tossed it to the other side of the room. I was going to go for my jeans, but Max put his arms around me and in an impressive maneuver, he flipped us over in the narrow bed so he was on top. His shirt joined my bra on the floor and I ran my hands up and down his chest. I loved touching him this way. It was like I was getting away with something bad, which made it so much sexier. I never really thought I would go for someone without tattoos, but Max’s skin was just too beautiful. He was fine just the way he was.
He put the frenzy on hold as he held himself above me.
“I something you,” he said.
“I something you, too,” I said and then our bottoms were off. He kissed his way down my body and the flames burned higher. With every touch of his lips and tongue and hands, everything got hotter and more and I could barely stand it.
His tongue touched me and I nearly broke my back arching off the bed. No one had ever made me feel like this. Not another guy,
not another girl. No one. Just him. My Max.
My orgasm came on me so fast, I didn’t have time to prepare myself for it. The waves of fire rolled down my spine and radiated to the ends of my fingers and the tips of my toes. When it was finally over, I looked down to find my very smug boyfriend kissing my inner thigh.
“You look very pleased with yourself,” I said.
“Yeah, well. It’s nice knowing I’m the reason you make those sounds. My name is the one you yell out. Maybe it’s a caveman thing, but it makes me feel like you belong to me.” I unwound my fingers from his hair and stroked his head.
“I do belong to you. That’s how this feels. Like you’re mine and I’m yours and it’s the way things were supposed to be.” The words fell so easily from my mouth. I never thought I would say things like that, but it was so simple with Max. He made me feel like the heroine in a romantic movie.
“I want to be yours. Completely,” I said. I hoped he knew what I meant. Judging by the look on his face, he did.
“Are you sure?” I bit my lip and thought about it. I had no doubts.
“Absolutely.”
My mouth went dry, but that changed the second he crawled his way up my body and kissed me so fiercely, it was like he was trying to prove to me just how much he loved me. I could feel it in everything he did.
Reaching between us, I ran my hand up and down his length and his hips jerked against my hand.
“Okay, you can’t do too much of that or else this is going to be over before it starts,” he said. I smiled up at him and squeezed him just a little.
“Seriously, Trish,” he said, his eyes shuttering closed and then open again.
“Okay, okay,” I said, rolling my eyes. Now came the semi-awkward part that I probably should have considered before I said we could do this.
“Do you have something?” The color drained from his face and he froze above me.
“Shit. I don’t think I do. But hold on.” Wait, what? He leaped off me as if he was on fire and started tearing around his room, pulling out drawers, dumping them and searching. It would have been absolutely hilarious if I wasn’t so turned on.
“Yes!” he said, holding up a little silver packet that he’d found somewhere.
“Is it expired?” I asked. You could never be too careful. He squinted at the packet.
“No! We’ve still got four years!” I thought he was going to do a victory dance, but he jumped back on the bed, his eyes sparkling.
“I think I got it during orientation or something, but who the fuck cares?”
“Not me,” I said, trying to hold in a laugh. He noticed.
“What’s so funny? Me running around with my dick hard looking for a condom? I don’t think that’s hilarious at all.” His eyes narrowed.
“No, that’s not funny at all. It’s just I’ve never seen someone have so much glee about a condom before.”
“Condoms mean sex. Therefore, condoms are exciting,” he said, sitting up and tearing the packet.
“Do you mind?” I’d always insisted on putting them on myself. Condoms were like a group project. It always turned out best when you did the work yourself because then you could be sure it was done right.
“Fuck, that’s hot. Holy hell, go for it,” he said, handing it to me and putting his arms up in the air to give me full access. I seriously had never seen anyone as excited about condoms. It was fucking adorable.
Carefully, I got the thing on and Max seemed to enjoy the process, judging by the sounds coming from his mouth through his clenched teeth.
“You’re good,” I said, because he’d closed his eyes. His eyelids popped open and he looked down.
“I couldn’t watch you because… well, yeah. Maybe some other time.” Another time. I couldn’t think past this time. I was mentally crossing my fingers that it would all work out. Everything we’d done so far had been unbelievable, but there was always that potential that things could go south and we wouldn’t fit together that way.
Max scooted down until he was right where he needed to be to make this happen. I kept my eyes on his face.
“You can say stop anytime you want, hun. You just have to say it out loud. Okay?” I nodded and just like the letter, I wanted him to just get on with it. That probably shouldn’t be the way I viewed sex, but I hoped once we got past this first time, things would be so much better.
Max was waiting for me, propped on his arms above me. It was now or never. I reached down and stroked him once with my hand before moving him into position. My other hand went around and squeezed his ass, pushing him so that he started to enter me.
“Oh!” I said. I didn’t mean to speak, but it had been a long time since I’d had sex with a guy like this. A long fucking time.
“Oh my God, are you okay?” Max froze, just barely inside me.
“Yeah, just surprised. I haven’t had a dick inside me in a while,” I said. “No big deal. Please continue.” I almost started to laugh, but he was searching my face as if I’d lost my marbles. I squeezed his ass again and raised my hips just a little so he sunk in deeper. Okay, we were getting there.
“Please, Max,” I said and that was all it took for him to slowly get all the way inside me. It was strange and familiar and wonderful all at the same time. We were completely connected and I looked up at him and I almost wanted to cry.
“What’s wrong? Am I hurting you?” I didn’t trust my voice, so I just shook my head and pulled his face down so I could kiss him.
“Please,” I said against his lips. I was more polite during sex than any other time. That was all it took and then, ohhhhh, yeah. We both traded curse words as he brought his hips back and then thrust into me again.
“Holy fucking mother fucking shit fucking fuuuuccckkk,” he said, which were my sentiments exactly.
I’d worried for absolutely nothing.
We were perfect together. Our bodies locked together and things just… clicked.
Perfection.
It was almost too intense. Too loud, too much, too hot. I thought I was going to burst out of my body. Distantly, I heard myself begging for more as I wrapped my legs around him, digging my heels into his ass in case he didn’t get the message. He listened and then frenzy increased. I kept up with him and then another orgasm was rolling through me in waves. I called out his name and just as I did, he arched his back and barked out my name.
A glow washed through me, the aftermath of the storm when everything was so still and quiet, you couldn’t believe that you’d just been through something. I stared into his eyes and that was all I could do. No moving. Just breathing was enough work for now.
Max closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine.
“I tell myself that I can’t love you more than I do and then something like that happens.”
“I know,” I said, finally finding my voice. “I didn’t know it was going to be like that.”
“Me neither. I just…” We should our heads at each other, still stunned. He started to pull out because he was going soft, and I missed him the second he was gone from my body. It made me want to hold onto him and bring him back, but that was silly. We could have sex again. You didn’t only get one time in your life. We could do this all day. Every day. Sure, it would make going to class and work and socializing difficult, but who the fuck cared about friends when there were orgasms like that to be had?
“I feel like I want to laugh and cry at the same time,” I said.
“Yeah, I feel that way too. I also feel like my arms are about to give out.” He had held himself above me, even when he came so he didn’t crush me. Not that he would. I wasn’t that fragile.
I turned and saw that yes, his arms were shaking.
“Then lie down, you idiot,” I said and he tipped to the side and landed on his back with an exclamation.
“I think the blood is still trying to make its way back to my brain,” he said.
“Yeah, I feel the same way. Like, if someone came in here and asked me t
o solve an equation to save my own life, I couldn’t do it.” He moved onto his side and turned his head so he could look at me.
“Why would someone ask you to solve an equation to save your life?”
“It’s just an expression.”
“Is it?” I gave him a look.
“You’re being an asshole right now.” I wasn’t really serious and he stuck his tongue out at me.
“But I’m your asshole.”
That made me smile.
“You are.”
“And you’re my wild girl,” he said, kissing the tip of my nose.
MIND-BLOWING, SPINE-cracking, toe-curling, soul-filling sex. Because that was what that was. Going down on her was great, but seeing her come with my cock inside her was pretty much the best thing ever. And the fact that she finally let down her walls and I knew for sure she trusted me? Even fucking better.
We were both sweaty in the aftermath, but neither of us wanted to move. Trish made it to the bathroom, but she was stumbling when she got back. To be more accurate, we were pretty much incapable of much movement for quite a while. I pulled off the condom, tied it off and flung it toward the trash can. Fortunately, it went in.
“Shouldn’t we, um…” she trailed off. Words were hard right now. They were difficult to find in our brains and then say out loud.
“I can wait if you want to finish saying that.” She gave me a lazy smack on the chest with the back of her hand.
“Shut up.” I loved watching her. She had this happiness that radiated all over her face. It also gave me time to look at her skin. Every time I saw her naked, I felt like I found something new to look at.
“Why don’t you have any tattoos?” she asked. I lifted one shoulder.
“I don’t know. Just never found anything that I loved enough to want to put it permanently on my skin.” She thought about that.
“Do you want me to get one?” I asked. She’d never mentioned my lack of them before. I also knew that she normally went for the type that had them. It was yet another reason I was so happy to be with her.
“Only if you want to. I could get you a good deal with Magnus. Or you could pierce something. Your nipples maybe.” She flicked one of them and I shivered because it felt really good.