Chapter 5
Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, or eight-second 'Eyy' piloted his ship back from the asteroid that he just spent the last six hours meticulously dumping waste upon. As he drew closer to the cabin, he saw that, where the crew ship was normally supposed to be docked, a Pontiac Firebird had taken his place.
"Great," he said to himself. "There's another hour to this damn assignment."
Hawk, inside the ship, turned around.
"You're not Eyy," the voice behind him said. The voice said 'Eyy' for eight seconds. "Wait a minute. You're a human!"
Hawk was face to face with a seven-foot-tall Rhaokin dressed in spandex. He had no idea how to reply.
"Yes, it appears that I am a human," Hawk said, nodding.
"So does this mean you accepted our terms?"
"Probably. Maybe. What terms?"
"So I guess that's a no. So you are just an independent checking us out?"
"An independent?"
"I mean your government didn't send you."
The number-one rule of infiltrating was lie all the time. As an infiltrator with years of field experience, Hawk knew exactly when a well-placed lie was necessary. "No, yeah. I flew up here myself."
"Gotcha. It happens."
"What do you mean, 'it happens?'"
The Rhaokin shook its head. "How far along are negotiations anyway? Has Jimmie even presented the contract to your president yet?"
"Contract?"
"Oof, weOy. We are way behind schedule. Alright grab a cleaning kit, I'll explain as we clean the rooms."
The Rhaokin motioned for Hawk to follow. They entered what was obviously an alien janitorial closet. On the walls were brooms and mops and vacuum cleaners.
"I recognize pretty much all of this equipment," Hawk said.
"I suppose you should. These devices don't really improve much after their initial invention. That mop over there self dries, which is pretty advanced. Aside for that, this equipment is pretty dated."
"What should I grab?"
"Just take the feather duster. Don't want you to think the Rhaokin are jerks on your first encounter."
Hawk reached for the feather duster and grabbed it off the shelf.
"Well now that I think about it—I've seen the footage of first contact between Jimmie and our president. Why aren't you talking strangely like he was?"
"Good question with a simple answer," the Rhaokin replied. "Walk with me."
Hawk followed the Rhaokin down what appeared to be the leg of the ship. Inside it was obviously a hallway.
"So to explain the basics first," the Rhaokin said. "This ship is pretty much the equivalent of what humanity'syou humans have for cruise ships. I'm a custodian. We have about forty-two hundred passengers and six hundred crewmembers. All of the passengers are incredibly rich. Being the first to tour a new planet costs quite a bit, as you can imagine I'm sure."
"Sure, sure," Hawk said.
This was getting stranger by the minute, and for all intents and purposes of an infiltration mission, this was going horribly.
"About Jimmie. He is our ambassador. He's done this about eight times. Not all ambassadors do what he does, but he maintains that species get a little confused when we arrive and speak their language perfectly."
"I admit it is a little strange hearing you talk so well."
The Rhaokin nodded. "I know. And I'm just a custodian. But the competition for even this job is ridiculous. Every worker on this ship has at least the Rhaokin equivalent of a Bachelors degree. They call this job entry level, but it requires certification in Alien Dialect. And I also sympathize that it's weird hearing oneself referred to as an alien. Not all of the passengers on this ship will speak English perfectly, or at all. They will call you an alien. Don't be offended. It has thrown off other species in the past."
"This is getting stranger and stranger," Hawk said. "I'm Hawk, by the way. What do I call you?"
"My actual name is Uhh," the Rhaokin said, saying 'Uhh' for about eight seconds. "But you can call me Golf."
"Golf?"
They arrived at a door. Golf knocked twice. No answer.
"I enjoy the sport," Golf said. "I know it's not a common name, less than a decimal point of a percentage of your population uses the name, but I like it."
"It's a fine name. So this is a space cruise, and your species intends to tour Earth?"
"Tour Las Vegas, specifically."
Golf took a card from his belt and swiped it against a door sensor. A light on the sensor turned green, and Golf pushed open the door.
"Why Las Vegas?"
They entered the room, which was by far the strangest room Hawk had ever seen. It circled the outside of the hallway entirely. The white floor spread from the door like the track of a curving roller coaster. It curved to the left. On the opposite end of the door, connected to the curving floor, was a large circular window that looked out at space. Hawk quickly realized that the circles he saw along the legs of the ship were windows of different rooms.
Golf walked into the room and his body quickly became perpendicular to the floor as he walked along the wall and walked right up to the window. He knelt down, grabbed a spray bottle and a towel from his belt and began spraying and wiping the window.
"If you've never been in a space station I can see how this is disorienting," Golf said. "Just imagine yourself standing on the incline of a hill, and walking through the door is just walking over the hump and to the declining side."
"Easier said than done," Hawk replied. But he took a breath, then allowed himself to walk forward. Surprisingly, the gravity felt the same and each step he took was as if gravity reoriented itself to push him downward.
"The hallway outside isn't parallel to the outer walls of these tubes," Golf said. "They are positioned at a forty-five degree angle. Technically you can walk on the wall with the door as easily as you can walk on the floor. We just position it like this to keep it as natural as possible, but it takes some getting used to for everyone. The tube you entered this room from enters this area at a forty-five degree angle, although I'm sure you naturally assumed you entered perpendicularly. That's how everyone gets disoriented at first."
"I appreciate the explanation," Hawk said. "You would be surprised at how many things I experienced today that had a one sentence explanation with no precise details."
"It happens. Now come dust off the furniture while I continue explaining."
Hawk looked around the room. On the wall with the window was a bed. Past the bed was what appeared to be a kitchen. Then there was some sort of living room with a table, and beyond that was a bathroom. The place just ended there, and Hawk realized he had gone the full circle around to back where he entered. He walked back and started dusting off the area around the bed. The family staying here consisted of obvious slobs, and Hawk was forced to dust around half eaten piles of unrecognizable mush.
"So how this works is first we find away to allow our species to visit your planet safely, if at all possible," Golf said. "Which means first evaluating the atmosphere and the environment, and then potential hazards, and finally the alien species themselves. Then we make contact. Everything goes smoothly, we present a contract."
Golf smirked and shook his head. "The contract isn't the fairest of practices, but it's the nature of business. Hopefully your species is savvy enough to know not to accept our initial contract. Despite how cavalier Jimmie will act, you have us by the reproductive organ. We have forty-two hundred guests aboard this cruise who will leave us nasty reviews if we get this far, stay here this long, then fail at the final step—negotiations."
Golf looked at Hawk and shrugged, then said "I shouldn't be telling you this, but whatever. The initial contract will be exclusive visitation rights to our company, for roughly ten thousand units of space currency per Earth year. To put that figure in perspective, each guest onboard this cruise paid sixty thousand units of space currency to be here. You should be able to negotiate a much higher—or a completely d
ifferent contract. You probably do not want to accept exclusive visitation rights either. And definitely don't tell anyone I told you all of this. I'll get fired immediately if they knew I told you this."
Hawk nodded. "I appreciate you telling me, and if asked, we've never met. But answer me this: What was the deal with showing off that fancy weapon with killing off mosquitos?"
At this, Golf laughed. "Weapon? Would you call that bug spray machine a weapon?"
"I'm not following."
"That machine is a high-tech version of bug repellant. Yes, we have annoying lower life forms on our planet too. Every planet has them. It just so happens that your mosquitos carry thousands of diseases that would make any Rhaokin very sick very quickly. The guys upstairs must have determined that they were unnecessary to your ecosystem, so they eliminated them. We can't have our guests touring and getting incredibly sick, now can we? Bad for business."
Golf began vacuuming the floor. It was a very quiet vacuum, surprisingly quiet. "That's amazing," Hawk said.
"I guess it's pretty cool that we can isolate a single—"
Hawk interrupted him. "No not that," he said. "The vacuum. It's silent."
"This? This is what you're shocked by?" Golf frowned. "You're aboard one of the largest space cruises in the universe and you're impressed by a silent vacuum."
Hawk smirked. "It's a little more tangible to me than all of this."
"Wait until you see our automatic soap dispensers."
"We have those already."
"But you don't have silent vacuum cleaners?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
Golf took a moment to reply. "You have one backward civilization," he said.
Hawk shrugged. "Maybe. So why Las Vegas?"
Golf raised and eyebrow. "Imagine this: Forty-two hundred filthy rich tourists who have no idea how your gambling games work, packaged and delivered to the door of your largest gambling city." Golf paused to let the image sink in, then smirked. "Yeah, I'd call that a win-win for everyone involved. Except for, perhaps, the tourists."
Hawk laughed. "I can get behind that."
At that moment the door swung open and another Rhaokin opened the door.
"Someone parked a Pontiac Firebird in our spot," the Rhaokin said as it entered. It then saw Hawk and stopped itself. "Oh."
Golf looked at Hawk and then the Rhaokin. "Hawk, this is Eyy—" (he said 'Eyy' for eight seconds) "But his 'human name' is Omega. Omega this is Hawk. He's an independent."
Omega walked up to Hawk and held out a hand. "This is what you humans do right? Shake hands?"
Hawk grasped his hand and they shook. Omega didn't squeeze his hand at all, but Hawk assumed that Omega could easily crush his hand if he tried. "Yeah that's right," Hawk said.
"I should have shaken his hand," Golf said. "Damn."
"Does that make me the first Rhaokin ever to shake hands with a human?"
Golf kept shaking his head. "Damn damn damn."
Hawk nodded. "Yeah I think so."
Omega grinned. "Radical!"
"I think that makes you the first alien to ever shake hands with a human," Hawk continued.
Omega grinned even further, showcasing a large set of eerily human-looking teeth. "Contact me when the first statue of us shaking hands is erected in your finest city."
Golf cast Omega a disapproving look. "Finish off this room, Omega. I'm going to get Hawk geared up."
Omega nodded. Golf motioned Hawk to follow him out of the room. They reentered the hallway.
"I'm going to set you up as a custodian. It's not exactly a textbook practice, but every custodian does this with pretty much every independent boarder unless they seem hostile. You'll pretty much be able to come and go as you please, except for the flight deck and bridge and science lab and all of that good stuff upstairs where none of us are authorized to go."
He opened the janitorial closet and handed Hawk a cardkey and what appeared to be a fanny pack. Which was now a tactical fanny pack.
"You have some basic janitorial tools in there. Nothing should be that unrecognizable. All I ask is that you make our jobs slightly easier by cleaning a thing or two here and there. Feel free to socialize with the guests. Anyone asks who you are, you tell them Golf hired you. Most of them will try to talk with you and test their English, so try not to be rude. Sound good?"
Hawk strapped on the tactical fanny pack and hooked the cardkey to his belt. This was turning into the easiest infiltration mission he'd ever had. And the least typical.
"Sounds good."
"One last thing," Golf said. "You need me for any reason, there's a radio in your fanny pack. It looks like a cellular telephone. Just hold the button and ask for Golf and I'll hear it and know it's you."
Hawk nodded. "Cool."
"Oh yeah, and if you're approached by someone and they speak don't speak English, just say: 'English é vrosk tru'unk á vost.' That roughly translates to 'I only speak English.' Which should be enough."
Hawk closed his eyes. "English ayvrusk trunk avast."
Golf laughed. "Close enough. You have a very strange accent."
"I would assume so."
Golf held out a hand. "It's about time I became the second Rhaokin in history to shake hands with a human."
Hawk clasped his hand and they shook briefly. "Thanks for all your help," Hawk said.
"You're welcome. See you around, Hawk."
Golf walked down the hallway, used his cardkey on a room further down, and disappeared.
Hawk waited a moment to ensure the coast was clear, then entered the janitorial closet and shut the door.
He raised his watch to his lips. "This is Hawk. Over."
"We read you loud and clear Hawk. Go ahead. Over."
Hawk recognized Boris's voice.
"The Rhaokins are completely friendly. This ship is pretty much a cruise ship. They killed all the mosquitos just to protect their guests. It only affects lower life forms. We have nothing to fear. I'm coming back to Earth. Over."
"That's a negative, Hawk. Continue on with your mission. Over."
"You must not have heard me correctly. They are completely friendly. They mean us no harm. Their weapon isn't even a weapon. This is a group of rich tourists. Over."
There was a ten second pause, and then Boris spoke again. "Understood. Carry on with the objective. Over."
"Not understood, evidently. They are harmless. I'm returning to Earth to discuss further. Over."
There was no reply for a few more seconds. Hawk tapped his foot on the ground, growing impatient. Then his radio buzzed. It was no longer Boris, instead he heard Frank Garraghan's voice.
"Hawk, I'm going to make this easy. You finish your objective or your girlfriend has an unfortunate drug overdose in a club tonight. Over."
Hawk clenched his jaw. "You son of a bitch."
"And we kill your dog. You have twenty hours or we discuss other options. Over and out."