“Your choice—for now.” Dad snapped his fingers, and Kiernan took a step toward Kale. She’d pulled on a pair of dark gloves, and there was a set of shiny silver handcuffs dangling from her pointer.
Kale’s hand shot up. He took a step back, glaring from Kiernan to Dad. “Fix it first,” he demanded.
“You should know better, 98.” Dad clucked his tongue and gestured to Kiernan and Aubrey. “Let’s face it. We all know you could run circles around these two. I’d wager even Ms. Banna could give them a proper run for their money. I’m not foolish enough to underestimate you. When you are safely bound, Aubrey will help Deznee.”
“You have no honor. How do I know you’ll keep your word?”
The floor spun, but I managed to stand and keep from toppling down again by grabbing Jade’s arm. “Don’t do this, Kale.”
He didn’t budge.
“He’s full of crap.” Despite the poison speeding through my veins, the thing I was most scared of at that moment was losing him to Dad. “Don’t fall for it. We can find another way.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Jade’s voice was low, but I heard her as though she’d screamed in my ear. God. Even with me at death’s door, the bitch was trying to change his mind about me.
“I am trusting you to make sure she is okay. Please. Don’t let me down.” Kale kept his eyes on her, refusing to glance my way. Me? I couldn’t look away. “Watch over her.”
Nodding to Dad, he held out his arms. Clinking metal and an almost deafening snap as the cuffs locked into place.
Kiernan glanced from me to Kale. She looked almost sorry. That had to be a hallucination. “Don’t give me any crap. If we don’t make it out and into the car, he won’t let Aubrey help her.”
“I won’t fight you,” he said, turning.
“Please,” I begged. “Don’t do this. It’s not worth it.”
Kale froze and turned back. It had to be the poison. His expression was all wrong. Happy. Serene. “Knowing you’ll be okay is worth anything I could possibly go through. Please remember that.”
He held my gaze for a moment before turning to Kiernan. She led him around Aubrey and up the path. Dad followed without as much as a word.
Once they were out of sight, Aubrey took a step back. “He of all people should know Cross has no honor.”
Jade was pale. In fact, her skin looked a little green. Like she’d been rolling around in the snow-grass and gotten it all over her face and arms. “You’re not going to heal her, are you?”
Aubrey watched us for a moment, then frowned. “My instructions were to bring her with me or let her die.”
This was it. After all I’d been through. After all I’d seen. I was going to bite it in the middle of a cold, empty field surrounded by two of the most annoying human beings ever to walk the earth.
Seriously. Karma must’ve had it in for me.
Everything was getting colder. The air I forced in and out of my lungs. The snow-grass soaking through my jeans. It was so cold, I couldn’t feel my arms anymore. In fact, I couldn’t really feel anything. The pain was gone, and while that should have made me happy, it scared me. The pain had been real. Tangible. It was something to hold on to in the middle of everything breaking apart. Without it, I’d lose hold of reality.
I don’t know where he came from, but Able appeared in front of me. He hopped from foot to foot, chanting, Too far gone to feel it, yeah? I turned away, not wanting to see the smug satisfaction all over his face.
Something blurred in front of me, then a puff of warm against my neck and ear. Able’s voice again. “Cross has no honor. I, however, do.”
No. Not Able. The pitch was the same, but the words were wrong. Able’s weird, almost unnoticeable accent was gone.
Aubrey.
He reached out, cradling my face in his hands. Something inside me broke. Whatever biological or chemical wall that had been holding the poison at bay. The thing that had blissfully numbed the pain. It finally gave out, shattering to let a rush of agony roll over me like a rogue tsunami. I’d jumped from a moving car, lost my footing while train surfing, and now I’d lost Kale. At that moment, though, none of that pain could come within a ten-mile radius of the agony ripping me apart.
A scream tore from my throat. I didn’t hear it, but I felt it work its way through my body and explode from my mouth. The sound of it—of everything—was sharp. Like every noise was amplified by a thousand speakers all aimed at my head and backed with white noise. Muscles itched, blood boiled. And just when I was sure he’d killed me, the painful fog cleared. Like someone magically snapped their fingers or flipped a switch. It was all just…gone.
When I opened my eyes, Aubrey was kneeling in front of me, face impassive. “Why—”
He stood. “I believe in what Denazen stands for. They want to better the world through our gifts.”
Jade snorted. “If you believe that, then I bet Cross has a golden goose to sell you, too.”
Aubrey held out his hand. I took it and let him pull me to my feet. It was clammy and cool, like Able’s, but I didn’t care. It was nice to feel it.
“Cross is no Mother Teresa. His methods are—unorthodox.”
I snorted. “You consider allowing his own daughter to die unorthodox?”
“That,” Aubrey said with a frown, “has given me something to think about.” He turned and started up the path.
“Wait.”
He stopped, but didn’t turn around.
“You were supposed to bring me back, but you’re empty handed. He’s going to find out I’m still alive. Won’t you get in trouble?”
Back to us, Aubrey shrugged. “You agreed to come with me. My brother hit you hard. It was obvious you weren’t going to make it, so I had no choice but to heal you first. We were on our way to the car, and there was an ambush. I was lucky to get out.” He took several steps forward and stopped. Turning, our eyes met. “I’ll watch out for 9—Kale.”
35
Six days had passed since Kale had chosen my life over his freedom.
At first, I didn’t feel anything. I was numb again. There was an icy hole where my heart used to be. A black void covered every hour of every day. Then the five stages of grief set in. First was the denial. Wake up. Go about my morning. Knock on Kale’s door and wait for him to answer.
He’d answer. He wasn’t gone.
That only lasted two days.
Next came the anger. I’d smashed the few pieces of furniture in my room at Dax’s underground cabin to pieces—screaming until my voice was long gone. He was a saint. Everything was replaced the next day without a word.
The bargaining stage was over almost before it even started. Several hours of crying and pleading to any higher power that would listen. I’d done the unthinkable once—infiltrated Denazen and broke him out. I could do it again. I’d do anything—give anything—if I could just make that happen one more time.
But as the hours ticked by, I saw the situation for what it really was. Impossible. That’s where the depression stage started to bleed through. Dad would be expecting me to charge in. He’d be waiting. Hoping. And even though I seemed to have gained a little momentum and control over my gift, I couldn’t fool myself—or the others—into thinking I could slip in and out unnoticed. Getting tossed in a cage at Denazen wouldn’t help Kale. Or the underground. And now, more than ever, Dad needed to be taken down.
And that’s where I hovered. Stuck somewhere between bargaining and depression—because acceptance? That was never going to happen. This wasn’t a situation I could live with. As soon as my head cleared, things were going to change.
I slept long hours curled in the middle of Kale’s bed waiting for Brandt to contact me. He’d come back. Just as soon as he found out what had happened. He’d drop whatever it was he was doing and back me up. That’s how it worked.
But he never showed.
“I thought I’d find you here,” Jade mumbled as she settled beside me. “Sitting in the dark in his room isn’
t going to change anything, you know. When the lights come on, he’ll still be gone.”
“Whatever.” Lame, I know. But what else could I say? You couldn’t argue with fact.
Well, you could, but where does it put you?
It puts you in the dark in someone’s room. Someone who wasn’t coming back.
“Not me, because I think you’re vile—and a raging bitch—but everyone else is worried about you.”
“And they sent you to give me the message?”
“I volunteered. As much as I enjoy seeing you miserable, this is ridiculous. And Kale wouldn’t want it.”
They’d all pretty much left me alone. Even Mom. Food was left in a plate on the counter in the kitchen with my name on it. Pots of coffee would mysteriously appear outside Kale’s room at all hours of the night. Along with a plate of cheese sticks and piping hot marinara sauce. That was hard. They only knew I liked them. They didn’t understand the meaning they held or the memories they sparked.
But Jade was right. This was ridiculous. “You were wrong.”
Her brows rose, interested. “About what?”
“You said Kale was toxic. To me, to other people—but you were wrong. Kale isn’t the toxic one. I am.” I thought about Brandt and how his life had been turned upside down for helping me. And Curd, who’d gotten a nice fat concussion back when all this started. Mark Oster, Rosie, Alex… “Everyone in my life gets hurt. This is my fault.”
Jade snorted. “As much as I’d love to pin this all on you, I don’t see how you could be to blame. Because you didn’t see through Kiernan? No one did. She had everyone fooled—though you still owe me a pretty sizeable apology.”
“That,” I sighed. “I still don’t get. How I didn’t know… But that’s not even what I mean. If I hadn’t gone back to the old house that night, Able never would’ve touched me. There wouldn’t have been anything to hold over Kale’s head.”
“That’s crap,” she spat. “For someone so smart, you’re kinda thick, you know? If it didn’t happen that night, it would’ve happened another. Walking down the street. At the restaurant. You’re the only one they could use to get to him and vice versa, and they knew it.”
Even though she was probably right—a thought that, while depressing, still made me smile on the inside—I couldn’t acknowledge it.
“I’d like a few moments alone with Deznee, Jade,” Ginger said from the door. Jesus. That woman was like ninja granny. Must have been where Kale got it.
Jade gave me one last, semi-irritated look and let Ginger take her spot next to me. I knew I owed her an apology—and a couple of hard-core rounds for trying to really steal my boyfriend—but it would have to wait.
Ginger didn’t waste any time. “This is not productive.”
“Can’t say I care.”
“You should care. I know this is painful for you, but there’s a bigger picture here.”
“Bigger picture?” I balked. “You’ve gotta be shitting me. Kale is your grandson. You knew this would happen. You put that damn note in my pocket and let us walk right in. You let him get taken by Denazen. Again.”
“We’ve been through this before, Deznee. Destiny is not something to toy with. Things are what they are.”
“That sounds like an excuse to me.”
She didn’t respond. Instead, we sat there in silence for a bit, and a helpless, desperate feeling started creeping up on me. It reminded me of the night at the crane. Which for some reason, reminded me of the night I met Ginger.
“When we first met, you said you were sorry. For what was coming. This was it, wasn’t it?”
Standing, Ginger placed a wrinkled hand on my shoulder. “I did know this would happen, but no. This wasn’t what I apologized for.”
The knot of grief twisted into something else. Something worse. I remembered what she said to me the first night at Meela’s. Alex and I would pay the biggest price.
She squeezed my shoulder and hobbled toward the door. Without looking back, she said, “The worst is yet to come.”
Acknowledgments
/mushy on
First and always—thank you to my family. It’s their unlimited love and support that make it possible for me to do what I do. My husband, who is the most loving and patient man on earth, and my parents, who, simply put, are just frigging awesome. I love you guys.
My CPs, Heather, Katy, and Christa—thank you for your thoughts, ideas, and friendship. I consider myself extremely lucky to have you guys in my life!
Liz, my editor-of-epic, and Entangled Publishing…there will never be a limit to my appreciation and thanks to you for taking a chance on me. I look forward to the many good things I know are in store.
To my agent, Kevan… Thank you so much for believing in me!
A huge thank-you to Dani, my publicist, who works her magic to make some of my crazy ideas a reality…you’re awesome, and I’d be lost (and much less sane) without you!
And lastly (but far from leastly—yes, I’m making up my own language here), to the readers and bloggers. You made the release of my first book, Touch, a dream come true. I am eternally grateful for the support and am in awe of your love and dedication to Dez and Kale. You guys are the sugar and cream in my coffee!
/mushy off
Keep reading for a bonus scene from TOXIC, as told in Kale’s point of view…
Jade’s Dream Come True
Jade and I went back to the house as instructed. I hated leaving Dez but trusted Ginger knew what was best. Besides, it gave me more time to work on my control. We’d been at it for a while now with no success.
It was starting to wear thin.
“Here,” Jade said, holding out another plant. I didn’t know where they’d come from, but someone had left several dozen potted plants for us. There were only a few left. “Try this one.”
I took the plant by its plastic holder, wondering what she meant by ‘this one.’ It had white flowers on it. Did she think that would make a difference?
When she nodded, I stretched a finger out, hesitating for only a moment before touching one of the delicate white petals. For the briefest moment, it was soft beneath my fingers and reminded me of the satiny smoothness of Dez’s skin. Then it evaporated into a pile of dust and dried dirt.
I dropped the pot and kicked it hard across the room. That could be her. Dez. Nothing more than memories and dust, all because I couldn’t do this.
“Hey,” Jade said, coming up behind me. She was standing very close. I could smell the sweet scent of her perfume—something fruity that would have given Dez a headache. “Look at me. You can do this.”
I turned to face her. She’d moved even closer and was now nearly pressed against me. Her eyes kept fluttering. It was understandable. The dust in this house was thick. “Did you get something in your eye?”
She seemed surprised by the question. Stepping back and giving me an odd look, she said, “I—you—no.”
I sighed and fell back against the wall. “Maybe if Dez had come with us, I’d be able to concentrate.”
“Just the opposite,” Jade snapped. “Besides, I think this space is good for you. It’s giving you a chance to find out who you are without someone telling you.”
Unfortunately, I knew who I was. And I didn’t like it. Jade didn’t understand that the only time it was bearable was when Dez was with me. When she looked at me. In her eyes, I was perfect and pure. Not the dark thing I knew myself to be.
This girl didn’t like Dez. That much I could see—and the feeling was mutual. It was amusing to me. Neither would admit it, but they had a lot in common. Both stubborn and strong, they’d each been forced to face horrible things much too early in life.
“Did you ever stop to think that maybe your inability to touch Dez was a sign from the universe?”
“The universe? You mean, like God?” That worried me. I wasn’t sure I believed in a higher power, as Ginger put it, but if he was real, surely I was on his bad side because of all the things I’d do
ne.
“Let’s move out to the backyard,” Jade said, taking my hand. Her skin was warm and soft, but there was no comparison to Dez. Still, I didn’t pull away in fear that it’d hurt her feelings. “It’s a beautiful night, and there’s plenty of green out there.”
She was right. The night air was cool and relieved some of the tension I felt. I was frustrated, and there was no way I could concentrate. Not when I knew Dez was hiding something. It involved those twins—mainly Able—and that worried me. “She’s lying to me.”
Jade picked a leaf from the tree to her right and stepped into my path. Holding the leaf out, she asked, “Who?”
I knew what would happen, but I took it from her anyway. The minute my fingers—thumb and pointer—closed around its thin stem, it shriveled and blew away, tiny bits catching on the edge of Jade’s hair. “Dez. There’s something she’s keeping from me. She told me earlier.”
“This is why you’re making no progress. I told you, this is all tied up in emotion. You need to clear your mind. Let it all go.”
Why didn’t she understand that it was impossible? This was Dez. How could I let it all go when there was so obviously something going on? “She said it was to protect me.”
Jade looked annoyed. “Protect you? Unlikely. Someone like you doesn’t need protecting. Personally, I think it’s something else.”
“Something else?” It took a moment, but I realized what she was going to say before she spoke the words out loud. And even though I knew it wasn’t true, anger bubbled in my gut.
“I’d be a really horrible friend if I didn’t point this out, Kale. But really, don’t you see the way she looks at Alex? They’ve got history together. He’s obviously still got a thing for her, and I’ve seen the way she looks at him. She feels the same way.”
I flexed my fingers. Pointer. Middle. Ring. Pinkie. Thumb. Then I counted to five. There would always be a small amount of concern for Alex. Dez denied it, but I knew it was true. I could see it when she looked at him. Even the most fleeting glance spoke volumes, but that’s where it ended. She’d told me I was her future—and Dez had never lied to me. “You’re wrong. He hurt her.”