Lucifer is all about efficiency. Maximize. Optimize. Synergize. I do say m’Lord, your new marketing team has done splendidly—”
“Thank you, Plato, that will be all,” said Lucifer coldly.
“You have a marketing team? Whatever for?” asked Bill.
“I’m trying to improve my image. Have been for years. It’s all about image, you see, what with the public Transcripts and all,” said Lucifer absentmindedly.
“What transcripts are you talking about? I’ve never heard of any transcripts.” accused Bill.
Lucifer responded, “Everything here is recorded, you see—”
“Transparentize. Optimize. Synergize,” piped up a crackly voice from the shadows.
“Really Plato, what did I say?” said an exasperated Lucifer.
“Anyone could be reading our conversation?” asked Bill with growing dread.
“That’s right,” affirmed Lucifer as he jotted down a note.
Bill groaned, “They’re probably laughing at me.”
“I would think so,” said Lucifer absentmindedly.
“You’re enjoying this! And all of your angels are complicit! They don’t deserve their halos,” Bill spat.
“And here I thought you were devoid of any wisdom,” sighed Lucifer. “Misbehave and slip, it falls right down around their neck and squeeze it goes.”
“That’s terrible,” said Bill, horrified.
“To be sure, not one of God’s better ideas,” agreed Lucifer.
“God’s idea? Surely you can’t be ser—”
“Dog collar? Sound familiar? I’m telling you, the man is a canine-lover to the core. Is this your first day in Heaven or something?” interrupted Lucifer.
“No,” said Bill defensively.
“You’ve still got blood on your shirt,” Lucifer pointed out, “Your assimilation mentor should have gotten you a uniform—”
“And what happens if I don’t want to serve in your volunteer army?” challenged Bill.
“Well, nothing,” shrugged Lucifer.
“Don’t lie to me, I listened in school. You want every human to work, work, work. You want us to feel pain,” whispered Bill conspiratorially.
Lucifer raised his eyebrows, “I’ve got my hands full with the new town hall plans and the election coming up.”
“So you can stay in power to make us suffer,” accused Bill, disregarding the risk of talking back to The Devil. I did not live my life nobly to falter now…But I really hope this is a test.
“I do not possess the time to be in the business of suffering. Anyway, the competition is too stiff,” Lucifer sniffed.
“How can that be?” doubted Bill.
“Earth has a monopoly, I’m afraid,” said Lucifer.
“Surely not. Hell is for suffering,” replied Bill.
“There’s no suffering in Hell. It’s just for storage. The dry air preserves well, you see, but I can’t imagine actual people inside. A waste of space, yes, and we all know how I can’t stand waste. Economize. Optimize. Synergize,” rambled Lucifer as he rolled his eyes before covering them bleakly.
“But if the good people come here, where do the bad ones go?” asked Bill.
Lucifer looked at him strangely. “There are no good people and bad people. Just people.”
The words had barely left Lucifer’s mouth when the ground shook violently beneath them.