She yelled more grievances, but I couldn't hear her with all that wind in my ears. A wall fell over. The sky rolled with thunder and blinded us with lightning. Something big flew into my side. I yanked the thing out. It was a GO sign. I threw it away, and it (accidentally) sliced into a passing car's windshield. I picked Mom up. She cried and started punching my face. We had to get to someplace safe, and I knew exactly where to go.
Boss Moshi's mansion.
The damn thing was made of gold. If anything could hold up to the storm, it was that place.
I had Mom over my shoulder. I took three steps forward, and pain shot into my midsection. All the strength went out of me, and I fell over, dropping Mom. I was on my knees and staring at the red mess on my hands. I felt myself up: Some of my guts were out, so I shoved them back in. Mom looked like she was going to go to sleep. I crawled to her.
“Mom! This is no time for a nap! Stay awake!”
She smiled and closed her eyes. More cars crashed into the house; more walls fell all around us. I hugged Mom, shielded her from the flying debris. I looked up at the full moon.
There was hope.
There was a way to save her. Make her stronger.
I took Mom's face in my hairy hands....
Mom, I love you so much.
BOSS MOSHI
I looked out the window. The world outside had gone berserk. I could hear battles and engines and crashing, but the storm hid everything under a veil of dust and rain. A dead bird crashed through the window and hit me in the face. I screamed and fell with my hand on my heart. My sons helped me to my feet. One of them gave me a large turkey leg which I nibbled on.
“My useless werewolf gang better bring me back lots of goodies,” I said. “I'm using all that wealth to get out of here. I'm going to start my life over. I've had it with Hawaii. I've had it with being a boss. Too stressful. I'm going back to Japan to live in the mountains. I'm going to be a hermit. I want peace. No more bad stuff. Just inner peace and quiet.”
My sons couldn't believe it. They looked at each other like I just puked kittens. My sons asked if I was okay. If I was sick. I pushed them away.
“It's my life! I can do what I want. Change when I want. After all this craziness, I'm giving my role of boss to you kids. I don't know how it's going to work. Split it among yourselves somehow. I don't care anymore.”
My secretary knocked and slid open the door.
“Boss, one of your goons is here to see you.”
I smiled.
“So soon? Send them in.”
An old werewolf woman in the nude walked in. She was holding onto someone vaguely familiar, helping him stand.
“It's my son!” the woman said. “His guts are out. Help him. I beg you.”
My mouth full of meat, I walked up to the wounded werewolf. He looked dizzy. I held him steady....
“I know you. You're Enoch, right? Did you bring back anything of worth?”
He shook his head.
“No.”
I stumbled back.
“Nooooooo?”
One of my boys handed me my whip.
“You dare come back empty-handed? The least you could've done was brought back a whole turkey. Now prepare to cry out due to my intense hatred!”
I raised my arm to whip the bum. His old lady pulled out a gold necklace and dangled it in front of my face. I snatched it from her and put on a jeweler's eyepiece and examined the necklace.
“Beautiful! Now this is what I'm talking about. I could pay for my ticket AND buy a little hut full of whores with this alone.” I looked at the old lady. “Ma'am, you are a delight.”
She put Enoch on the ground.
“Will you help my boy now? Like I said earlier, his innards are exposed.”
I nodded.
“Heck, I'll fill him with fine herbs and spices, if you want.”
I clapped my hands and geisha came in, put Enoch in a wheelbarrow, and rolled him away. The news lady was yelling something about tsunami. I knew real fear then. What I saw was a real monster. Dorfy was on the beach and pointing to a giant wave thundering toward her. She screamed through the wind, into the microphone.
“Remember, folks, you're seeing it first on channel...aaaarrrgghhhh!!!”
The wave ate her.
My mansion shook.
Werewolves whined and ran around the office. I grabbed my secretary and yelled at her.
“Lock the gold windows! Here it comes!”
All I could think to do was hide under my gold desk.
LARS
We were out in the open. Dora's home had been torn apart. The ground rumbled. Something big was coming our way. I stood with my arms out, maintaining my balance, ready for anything. The wind picked me up, and I screeched obscenities. Dora jumped and grabbed my feet and pulled me down. She whipped out a little book.
“Time to work my magic!”
She read from it and started chanting Russian.
My body went into a mad tingle, like bugs were all over my skin.
The ocean fell on us, and then everything got real quiet.
Dora whispered in my ear.
“Saved you for later.”
I opened my eyes.
Darkness all around me. We were in a bubble...under water. Glowing eyes out there. No. Not eyes. Headlights. The people in those cars and trucks were screaming and pounding on windows. I slapped my hands over my eyes.
“Go to sleep,” I begged. “Just – go – to – sleep.”
CHAPTER THREE
Forever Dolphin
BETH
Waikiki was raped.
499 of us were on the beach. We were naked. Pure. Reborn.
We stepped over dead fish and baby strollers and shoes and magazines and guns and drugs, and human corpses of many ages. There was seaweed everywhere. You couldn't take five steps before coming to a large pool of brown water swimming with mysterious creepy-crawlies. Many buildings had been pushed sideways. Trees had been yanked out and thrown here and there. A powerful odor polluted the air – a mix of salt and gasoline and spit. Cars poked out of muddy hills, their dead drivers at the wheel with their eyes open, crabs crawling out from their wide mouths. A dead elephant was trapped under a pile of trucks. I counted fifteen dead dogs up in trees. Goldfish were in a large shoe, still alive.
Two buses were standing up and leaning against each other, forming a triangle. In the middle of this natural formation was an octopus in a baby carriage. It had its tentacles on the ground and was pulling its way forward. Another bus close by was filled with water. An alligator inside played with the human cadavers. On a street was a rotting, giant squid – the size of a horse. Seagulls were on top of it and fought over an Asian woman's face. I knew that scowl anywhere. It was my old Chinese neighbor.
Looking out across the distance, we saw large boats on the mountains – oil tankers, cruise ships.
A nearby building collapsed, and a car on fire came rolling out of the rubble. It eased onto the beach...went right by us...went right into the water where it drowned. Before it vanished, the trunk opened, and all these parrots flew out.
“I have to save my birds!” they cried out. “I have to save my birds!”
Houses and airplanes and tops of skyscrapers floated in the ocean. Arms and legs stuck out of the beach – looked like a sandy garden for discarded human remains. One fist held onto a rose. There were heads sticking out, too. Some of the faces were frozen in horror. Others, in confusion. A female transdolphin ran up to a man's head that was stiff in a silent outcry.
“I told you to do it!” the transdolphin wept. “Why didn't you go to Transdolphin-Me? I told you to come along! Why must you be so stubborn?” She hugged the head and kissed it. “This is what you get. I'm sorry. Your stubbornness has been your downfall. Rest well, Dad.”
Two transdolphins walked through the crowd, carrying a corpse. It was Kirsty, only in human form. I ran and embraced the dead body. The other transdolphins stared.
“Human again,” they
whispered to each other. “How is it possible?”
Every bone in Kirsty's body was broken. It felt like I was holding a bag of potatoes. A hole was in her chest. Judging from the bone, it looked like something exploded out of her. Small, dead fish were inside her wound. Kirsty's red scarf was missing. We dug a hole in the sand and buried her. It was the best we could do.
“It's time to rebuild,” I told everyone. “Someone find a broom. There is much work to be done.”
LARS
Dora used her broom to sweep away all the dead fish blocking our path.
Pushing our way through the debris in Honolulu's downtown business district, we walked into a random building and slept in an empty office. Everything was wet, even our blankets, but at least we weren't outside. Who knew what was walking around looking to eat something? Sleep wasn't easy. I always had ants crawling over my legs and marching in my hair. In the morning, my belly was aching for food. I started eating those ants. Dora was horrified, but I explained to her that I was possessed by starvation. I ran my hands against my stomach.
“I can already feel my spine. Watch as I swallow a handful of ants.”
It was eat whatever you could find, or die of cruel starvation.
She took an ant and threw it in her mouth and chewed.
“Tastes like battery acid,” she said. “I'll take one more.”
In 30 minutes, we had eaten all the ants and beetles and mantises and bedbugs, ladybugs, flies, termites, stink bugs, and silverfish we could find. Rich in protein or not, we were still hungry. Dora and I explored the building. We found a whale a couple floors upstairs. Its head was sticking down from the ceiling, surrounded by electrical wires swaying in the breeze. The whale's eye was being eaten by birds.
I screamed, “Get atta hea!” and scared them away.
My voice echoed all over the deserted city. If this were a movie, you'd see quick shots of Honolulu in tilted angles. This is called a Dutch Angle, indicating that something isn't quite right. Makes things look creepier.
I froze – not breathing until my words stopped bouncing against the buildings. I was afraid that some thing might've heard me.
No response.
Nothing but the wind blowing past my ears.
My belly demanded my attention. Mmm, that rotting whale. The smell was wonderful. Under normal circumstances, I'd be disgusted, but we were starving. I picked up a piece of glass and cut off some whale meat while Dora made a pile of chairs.
“Time to cook. Stand back,” she said. “If we're lucky, I still got some juice left.”
She put her hands together...and chanted. The chairs lit up in flames. Dora passed out and hit her head on the edge of a table. I ran and held her. Nothing got Dora to wake up – even with me slapping her face and yelling in her ear. I cooked some meat over the fire and fed her. She opened her eyes and munched on the food.
“Well...I've finally used up all my magic. I'm drained. I'm dying.”
“Then eat!” I said, stuffing more meat into her mouth. “Eat! Eat!”
“Sorry. Adult whale meat can only go so far. I'm a goner. See you...on...the other side....”
“Don't go! I need your expertise. I can't survive out here without you. I need your magic! I need you.”
That last part put more life into her. She smiled and touched my face.
“Yesss, Lars. I always knew you were my gentleman caller.”
Awkward silence. What did she mean by 'gentleman caller'? Did this witch expect me to kiss her? I was too afraid to look into her needy eyes. I felt too guilty. What's the right move? Should I have kissed her? Call me superficial and mean, but I'm sorry. She was hideous. The very thought of putting my mouth on her flaps shook me to the core. I walked to the whale and carved more meat from its belly.
“This is no time for awkward moments. You have to eat this stuff fast! I can already smell the rot.”
The whale's stomach shook and opened up. Internal organs splashed to my feet, and I jumped back as a baby whale dropped dead to the floor. Dora sat up.
“Miracle!”
I was slipping and sliding all over the place with my hands over my mouth to hold back my spit.
“Miracle?”
Dora crawled to the baby and licked its slimy back.
“Scholars maintain that infant whale blood is an energy drink to us witches. Get a glass, will you, honey? After I'm re-energized, I'll go out and find us some real food. Bird flesh sound good?”
BETH
We made some swords out of sharp bones and wires just in case we met any 'weird people'. How was I going to clean up Oahu? How was I going to scoop away all that mud? Carry away all that scattered trash? I sighed. It would take years. Would I even live to see that fine day when the island was clean again? Speaking of which, how long would I live? How long does a transdolphin last?
I gathered a few muscular transdolphins and went for a little stroll.
I needed answers. I needed inspiration. I needed guidance. I needed the Word. Only one place could help me. Destination: Mount Tantalus.
It took us eight hours to get there – climbing over wreckage, swimming over lakes of mud, tossing aside dead bodies. At one frustrating point, we went through a discarded house that was on its side and filled with human corpses. We jumped out a window to the street below, right onto a pile of even more cadavers to cushion our fall. The stomach I landed on burped up worms. One of us – a rather young transdolphin – jumped in a black car (I believe it was something called a 350Z) and turned it on. It roared to life, and the kid inside jumped up and down on the seat.
“Can I keep her, Beth?”
I nodded.
“But of course! Once I get this city back in tiptop shape, you can drive around all you want.”
The young one ran out and covered the car with trash and blankets and palm branches. We walked on and chopped through tall bushes.
When we got to Tantalus, there was nothing to climb.
What stood was a giant, wooden boat.
The Ark of the Transdolphin – held in place on both sides by large boulders.
We all fell to our knees. I held out my arms, lips trembling.
“Behold! What a goddamn wonderful sight. I am in awe.”
The entrance to the ark was covered in a thick layer made of mud and centipedes. We pushed and kicked and scooped the mess away.
“Watch my back,” I told the others.
I went inside. The place was filled with more mud and sand and bugs. I couldn't see the pool of mucus that changed me.
“I have to clean this place up,” I said to myself. “This is a holy place, and it must be fresh.”
It was the right thing to do – the next logical step. And then it felt like I had to do it, or else God would get angry and screw me over. It was His houseboat, and it must not be sullied. I ran outside.
“Polo, Jim, Crawbone...you three stay up here with your swords we made out of sharp bones and wires and protect the ark. Let no one in unless they say the secret password.”
Polo raised his hand.
“And what is the secret password?”
“The secret password is: Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.”
I wished them well, and the rest of us hurried back to the beach where everyone else was waiting. As I waved at them, I looked across the ocean. What was happening to the rest of the world? What did it look like? What was the news? When I told everyone that we all had to travel to the ark and clean all that mud out, some of them complained. They wanted to go back into the ocean.
“There's nothing here for us!” said one.
“Everything is gone! I can't live like this,” said another. “No TV – no nothing! I've had five spiders in my hair since we got here. That's one too many. This isn't living.”
I looked at her – examined her.
“Where did you get that blond wig?”
“It's mine. You can't have it.”
I looked around. In fact, a lot of transdolphins wore wigs and
fake beards. They had on baseball hats, ties, bras, high heels, pants, glasses – dressed as bakers, cops, doctors, nurses, construction workers, priests, nuns, judges, lion tamers, football players, and clowns. They carried briefcases, coffee mugs, walking sticks, umbrellas, hula hoops, darts, beer cans, and other things that gave them back their old identities.
I understood them.
“We can make things right again. We can have our paradise, but it must be worked for. We can do it together. It'll be easy. Have faith, dear friends. Look. Things aren't that bad.”
Just then, a bird sat on a building and started singing. I pointed.
“Ah! See there! The peaceful, gay bird. Surely this is a sign of future success.”
The building shook and toppled over. The transdolphins started grumbling, shaking their heads, looking around in depression, scratching their beards. I raised my hands so they'd shut up. Honestly, their lack of faith was getting to me. But I did my best to keep smiling, my legs spread apart, my arms moving around as much as possible to show my confidence.
“I can make everything right again. Trust in me. Believe in me. Have faith in me.”
A female transdolphin, wearing a whore's costume, yelled.
“It's hopeless! I'm jumping back into the ocean. Swimming with the dolphins is more fun than standing around getting skin cancer. See ya, suckers.”
She wasn't the only one to go. Around a hundred or so shrugged and, keeping on their costumes, went into the sea. I ran after them.
“Wait! Come back! I need everyone's help!”
They were gone. We all just stood there for a long time, staring out to the sea, listening to the waves. A transdolphin dressed like a banker walked up to me.
“Did you say you wanted us to clean out the ark?”
“I did.”
“That's all well and good, but how can we do such a task without shovels?”
I looked down and picked up a piece of flat metal and a long bone and some wire.
“Tie these together,” I said. Then to everyone: “There's crap all over the place. Get creative.”
Hours later, and everyone made a shovel to their liking. One young transdolphin even had glitter on hers. Another transdolphin, with messy hair and black rigs around his eyes and metal piercings all over his face, painted a skull on his. Loud music screamed from his black headphones. It sounded like car doors shutting over and over again. He never smiled and always looked depressed. No one talked to him.