Nearby were dead transdolphins tied to crosses. What did it all mean? What was the point? Was Dora right? Were they eating humans? Another terrible thought: Were they eating their own kind? A police car drove by. The dolphin cops inside looked around. I ducked. What would happen if I walked up to those cops? Would they beat me with clubs and lock me up? Would they cook my screaming body over a fire? The wind picked up and a dead transdolphin fell off its cross. The cops drove up and picked the body up and kicked and punched and spat in its face.
“Worthless swine!” they laughed. “Trying to junk up our fine city!”
The cops got back into their car and ran over the body (the skull exploded) and went on with their patrol. These weren't the transdolphins I remembered. These were maniacs. As I ran home, something flew over me, then vanished. I only caught it for a second, but I knew who it was.
Dora.
She was spying on me.
I mentioned nothing of it when I got back home. Dora was in the kitchen and stirring a big pot of fish soup. I sat down with my fork and spoon in hand. She started talking to me....
“Lars? How many girlfriends have you had?”
“I didn't hear you?”
“Girlfriends. How many?”
“Why?”
“I'm bored. Humor me. Is it too personal?”
I thought for a second.
“One.”
“What was her name?”
Beth's face flashed across my eyes. I was in a trance. I said the word like a robot.
“...Beth.”
Dora nodded and went, “Mmm,” then she asked, “What happened? She leave you?”
“I left her.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I sensed that she was getting bored, so, to win, I left first. Makes the pain more tolerable.”
“Did this Beth fight you? Did she beg?”
I dropped my utensils and ran my hands over my face and exhaled.
“I don't know. She ran off and joined some cult. Same old story. Any more excellent questions?”
“Yes, one more. Did she do anything in bed that really pleased you?”
“What?”
“I'm sorry. I meant pleased you sexually.”
“Please stop. I'm getting a pinch irate.”
“I don't mean to pester you. I don't mean to bring up your horny past.”
Beth flooded my mind.
“Why are you suddenly so interested in my love life? Are you writing a paper?”
“I just want to know what turns you on, like any good mother would.”
Mother? Before I could articulate my disgusted mood, the little timer on the stove rang, and Dora smelled the pot.
“It's ready!”
I rolled my eyes as she filled my bowl.
“Thank goodness,” I mumbled.
Dora sat at the other end of the table, drinking her infant whale blood. I looked down at my food. The fish glowed.
“What's this?”
She was staring at me and grinning – eager for something to happen.
“Old family fish sauce,” she said.
My stomach growled. I shrugged and scooped some soup and ate. It was good, but after a few seconds, I felt like throwing it all up. I slapped my hand over my mouth and went for the sink. My legs gave out, and I fell to the ground. Then my hands wouldn't work, followed by my arms and face. My eyes were locked. I stared forward at Dora's wrinkled feet. She pushed her chair back and got up and took my hands and dragged me back to her room. She threw me on the bed and took off my shirt.
She got down next to me and covered us with a blanket.
“I've got you, lover,” she said. “I may not have my zombies, but you'll do just fine. We're gonna have so much fun together. I never had a living person before. Mmm. You're so warm.”
I was screeching in my head.
She coughed and coughed in my ear.
I couldn't move. Sadly, I felt everything she was doing under the blanket. Dora was giddy.
She hovered her face over mine. My brain begged:
Please! Just let me close my eyes! Just give me that luxury!
She grinned and opened my mouth with her shaky hands – those eager fingers working feverishly.
“Ah! You're getting hard.”
She cackled and went in for the big kiss.
“You're getting hard allllllll overrrrrrrrr.”
And then she used her tongue to explore the inside of my mouth.
BETH
I went down to that mob to have a little chat with the priest, and walked right onto that podium with my right hand behind my back. Everyone shut up. I just kept smiling. Transdolphins in the crowd flashed pictures. The TV cameras were all on me. Still cheery, I looked the priest right in the face.
“I hear you have some problems with the way I run things.”
The priest looked proud. He puffed his chest out.
“Yes. That's right.”
“Not to worry. I thought and thought about this delicate situation. I have come up with the perfect solution.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“Oh, really?”
I nodded.
“Oh, yes! Indeed.”
I flew my right hand into the air and drove a knife into the priest's eye. He screeched and spun around with his hands reaching for air. He gripped my shoulders. I punched him in the gut, and he fell on his back...dead. More picture flashes. Everyone was shocked. They ran to the stage in amazement. I picked the priest up, held him over my head as I roared like a dinosaur, and tossed the body aside – right into a nearby cement mixer. No one dared to turn it off as he spun. A reporter yelled into a video camera, “She killed him! Now what?”
I was livid.
“Let that be a lesson to all of you!”
My Smart Police surrounded the crowd. I ran around the place and screamed at random faces.
“Never – NEVER – cross me! All heretics must die! I'm boss here! You do as I say, and no one is going anywhere! This is your home! Look at all I've done for you! Look at what I have built! Look at my city! Look at my creation! Where's the faith? WHERE?”
Everyone screamed and pointed.
I looked over my shoulder and saw the ocean...rising.
The sight was paralyzing. Most perplexing, the wave was in the shape of a giant mouth complete with teeth and angry eyes. I staggered back.
“What does this mean? What do I do now?!”
We all ran, but it was too late.
The wet mouth swallowed us up. Transdolphins were slammed into stores and homes. Car alarms went off. I ended up crashing into someone's bathroom. That priest's corpse landed on my lap. I looked out the hole in the wall. The mini tsunami was dying down. I had to get a higher view, so I ran out the room, into the hallway, and up the stairwell to the top of the building and looked over the destruction. The water was already turning to mud, calming down and not going higher than your knees. Everyone and thing had been tossed about – legs wiggled out from mailboxes, people were up light poles, cars were on their sides. It would take a lot of cleaning up. I yelled to everyone.
“See? Do you see what your lack of faith has done? Let this be another lesson! If you anger me, you anger God! Don't you understand? Haven’t you gotten it yet? I am God's anchorwoman. Now pick yourselves up and clean up this damn mess!”
A transdolphin flew through a store window.
“Get away!” she screamed. “Get away from meeeeee!”
I yelled at her.
“Silence! Can't you see I'm giving an inspiring speech? How disrespectful.”
What I saw next shot a foul sickness into the pit of my stomach. A unicorn ran out of the store and speared her with its horn, turning the transdolphin human. The unicorn laughed out loud and tossed the flailing corpse away. Everyone threw their hands up and ran off. More and more unicorns galloped into the scene and began killing – running over people, stomping on heads. Their tails had minds of their own and would go into mouths and pul
l out slop. I threw my hands over my head and tore at my hair. Transdolphins fell to the ground, dead and human. So many corpses. Piles and piles. The sound of trumpets got my attention.
Something on the beach sparkled.
It took me a second to focus through my tears.
It was another ark.
Unicorns – a whole army of them – were running out. The ocean had formed a staircase of water over the great fence for them. They were invading the city and jumping all over the place – jumping right onto rooftops. Their boss was a black unicorn with a gold crown. He was on the beach and running around.
“Do not kill them all!”
On his saddle was a large light bulb. The king unicorn waved his horn around. Electricity shot into the ocean. The water bubbled and came up and shot out like spears, striking transdolphins, ripping them apart. His queen – a white unicorn with blond hair, wearing a jeweled headdress and a red cape – walked out of the ark. All the nearby unicorns got on a knee and bowed their heads. The king was too busy killing and laughing to notice.
Back in the city, Dreslen and the cops jumped out of their police cars and threw spears. The unicorns looked surprised.
“They got pointy sticks! Run away!”
They scattered. Many ran off with spears sticking out of their asses. I jumped up and down.
“Splendid! Dreslen, kill'em all!”
He looked up at me and gave me a thumbs up – then five unicorns surrounded him and ran their horns through his body, lifted him off his feet and tossed him aside. A hornless unicorn followed a dying transdolphin's gaze and saw me on that roof. The unicorn made a terrible, excited horse sound. Life filled my bones. I ran back down to the priest's corpse and pulled out the knife in his face. The hornless unicorn crashed through a wall. It raised its front legs high in the air to appear intimidating. A red scarf was tied around its neck.
“Filthy dolphin! Get over here!”
My servants ran into the room and threw ropes over the unicorn and held the fiend in place.
“Well, don't just stand there!” one of them said. “Do what the dickhead says!”
I roared and ran up and swung the knife into the unicorn's eye. He yelled and banged against the furniture, back legs kicking holes in the walls. The servants held on for dear life.
“Head for the hills!” one said. “Hide in the ark!”
I reached out to them.
“I'll never forget you, whatever your names are!”
I dove through the hole in the wall and took off. I jumped over the human cadavers. Wounded transdolphins kept trying to hold me.
“Save us, master!”
“Help us, Beth!”
“Take us away from all this horror!”
I pushed them off me.
“I can't help you! I'm sorry! I have to go! I promise to pray for you!”
There, in the middle of the street, in the middle of all those dying dolphins moaning my name, I was surrounded by unicorns.
I threw my hands up.
“I give up! Be gentle!”
They aimed their horns at me. The biggest one poked me in the side.
“Don't move, idiot.”
Their king and queen trotted through the crowd. The big unicorn went up to them.
“Masters, welcome! I hope you are satisfied.”
King Shalva noticed me.
“What goes on here, Indra? Who is this...dirty dolphin?”
“King Shalva, this one appears to be their leader. Her name is Beth.”
The king squinted at me.
“Beth, eh?” He motioned over to his lover. “Honey, see? I told you. They're easy.”
The queen came close and sniffed me and coughed and looked away disgusted.
“Jesus H. Christ! This peasant stinks like rotten fish!”
Everyone laughed. The king looked around him.
“What a mess. This is gonna take a lot of cleaning up.”
He saw a line of transdolphins walking with their hands over their heads. They were held at hornpoint.
“Lucky for us,” Shalva said, “we have these transdolphins to use as slaves. At last!” he grinned. “New Dwarka is ours!”
Everyone cheered with their hooves in the air.
“We are victorious! We are victorious!”
A spear hit King Shalva in the leg. He shrieked and fell to the mud. I looked up and saw Dreslen on a rooftop. Transforming into a human, he gave me a thumbs up. A mess of unicorns jumped to the rooftop and stomped him into oatmeal. I took the chance and bolted. Shalva screamed out, “Get her! I want her blowhole on a plate!”
The Ark of the Transdolphin glittered in the distance, calling me to it. I jumped into my 350Z and drove toward the great fence. I got out a remote control and turned off the electricity and sped through. The dirt road leading up to the ark was lined with torches. I looked in the rear-view mirror: King Shalva and his army...coming fast...kicking up a wave of dirt behind them.
I reached the ark. Polo, Jim, Crawbone were fighting off unicorns. I drove over everyone (sorry, guys) and parked right in front of the entrance. I jumped out and ran inside. Five dolphins were fighting a unicorn. I ran to the back of the room and ordered everyone to protect me. They ran spears through the horse's eyes and took it down.
King Shalva walked up to the entrance. I picked up a rock and got ready for anything dangerous. Shalva grinned at us.
“I do hope you are all comfortable,” he said. “You'll be in here for a long time.”
He trotted away and laughed as his unicorns closed those gold doors on us. That big latch slammed down. The transdolphins started banging their fists against the doors, begging to be let out. I pushed through and joined them. Trying a different idea, we punched and kicked and clawed at the walls, ripping out wood, our fingers bloodied.
Gold. Nothing there but gold.
Then the torches died out, and everyone started screaming.
Days crawled by....
I was sitting in a corner, arms wrapped around my knees, rocking back and forth. My dad's voice was in my head.
Don't let anyone tell you what to do, he was whispering. Do what you want, how you want. The only thing that matters is that you're happy. Follow your bliss. Don't let anyone stand in your way. If they do, they're evil. They're devils. Live happy...die happy.
I picked up a rock and bashed someone's head in and ate their brain. Everyone hollered.
I followed the voices – the crying – each day and attacked. No one died. Their corpses just continued moaning and flopping about the place. Even their bones danced around. The sound was unsettling at first, but I got used to it. Their flesh didn't last long in my shrinking belly. Eventually, I transformed into a living skeleton that walked around in the dark, tripping over things. My mind turned rotten. I was seeing colors dancing all around me for long periods of time.
Days turned to weeks.
I ate hair, bits of skin, sucked bones clean, and I nibbled on whatever soft things I managed to step on.
Now here I am, sitting on a pile of skeletons. Has it been a month?
Sleeping, waking up, sleeping, waking up – my sense of time has died out. How long have I been in here? I want out. Get me out of here. I can't live like this. When will I die?
This is all so familiar.
Am I dreaming?
The End
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Raymund Hensley is the author of Filipino Vampire, Get Kilt: A Zombie Pill, and Transdolphin. He lives in Honolulu, Hawaii.
https://raymundhensley.blogspot.com/
https://twitter.com/RaymundHensley
https://www.facebook.com/BossHospital
ALSO BY
Raymund Hensley
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The Zombie Hunter’s Bible
Hunters young & old have now relied on Raym C. Hensley’s humorous hunting guide for vital information, ranging from killing a zombie, bathing a zombie, to eating a zombie when necessary. Easy to understand, friendly and inspiring, The Zombie Hunter’s Bible will empower you with all the knowledge you’ll need toward capturing – and understanding – the walking dead.
“The attention to detail is mind-boggling!”
-Staci Wilson, About.com
How I met Barbara the Zombie Hunter
Yes, there are zombies, even in Hawaii. A foolish writer learns this the hard way from a strange (and beautiful) woman who claims to be a hunter of the living dead.
Filipino Vampire
A popular monster from the Philippines, known as an aswang, terrorizes the island of Oahu. The Filipino vampire leaves its legs behind and flies around rooftops, searching for children to steal and eat. Trapped in the aswang's trailer home, it's up to one little girl to put a stop to the beast's reign of panic.
“A unique tale by a fresh voice in horror.”
-Tracey Fleming, The Written Universe
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