Beth closed her eyes, shut the notebook, and exhaled.
“What a wonderful story,” she said.
The sun was going down. We had to hurry. Zombies loved the nightlife.
We were walking up the side of the mountain, gripping rocks and branches, pulling ourselves upward. Beth held the guiding stick in her mouth as she went. Soon, we reached a dirt road. The thick overhead made the place darker than it actually was. I didn't like it.
I paced back and forth, biting my nails.
“Let's get out of here, Beth.”
She tore through a large bush – was standing in front of a rock wall, touching it, rubbing it.
“No,” she said.
I laughed in a desperate way.
“Look! There's nothing here! No cave! Let's vamoose before it's too late!” I looked around. “Oh, Jesus. What was that noise?”
“Take it easy, Lars. Get a grip.”
“It's almost gone. It's going away.”
“What the hell are you blathering about? What's almost gone?”
I threw my backpack on the mud and opened it.
“Inebriation!”
My hands were quivering. I pulled out empty beer bottles and sucked every remaining drop. It was pathetic. “I knew I should've saved some,” I said, mumbling. Was I drooling?
Beth kicked the bottles away.
“What are you doing!? I didn't pay you to start drinking on the job!”
“I need to drink! I can't be sober now. Not here,” I jumped on the bottles before they rolled off the mountain. “Don't you see? I need my alcohol. Without it, I'm nothing!”
“And you call yourself a zombie hunter?”
“Not when I'm sober. I'm useless to you now. Let's go before it's too late!”
“No. The cave is here. It has to be. I didn't come all this way for nothing.”
She tossed her guiding stick to the ground. She kicked the wall. Some rocks came loose.
“I didn't come here for nothing!” She kicked the wall again – more rocks fell. “I didn't come all this way to waste time with a sniveling loser!”
She swung her arm back, screamed, and punched the wall with all she had. Her fist went straight through the rock. We were both surprised by her strength. She tried to get her hand back.
“I'm stuck!”
I ran and started yanking on her arm. Beth was getting angry.
“I'm in some kind of goo. Pull harder!”
Startling sounds above us – wood snapping, trees coming loose. We froze. The ground shuddered. Beth panicked.
“Get me out of here!”
We both pulled as hard as we could, and the hole let Beth go. We fell back on our asses and stared at the smoke shooting out of the hole. The mountain convulsed. We ran and climbed a tree as rocks fell all around us and rolled off the path.
The dust cleared...revealing a giant cave. Beth looked at me – eyes bright, face covered in sweat.
“I knew it!” she grinned. “I've found the Ark of the Transdolphin!”
Again, I got that irritating sense of dread, of being watched.
And then it happened.
Something in the woods moaned.
Shadows moved across those trees. Somewhere, a woman cackled. I nearly shit when I heard that. I grabbed Beth's shoulder.
“They're coming.”
She slapped my hand away.
“So am I, if you know what I mean.”
“They're gonna get us!”
“Who?”
“Zombiesss...you stupid idiot. ZOMBIES! We gotta go, right now!”
Beth ran into the cave.
I yelled out, “Imbecile!” dragging out the L.
She was gone. Vanished into all that dark.
I heard things all around me that ignited my imagination. Feet shuffling. Bones snapping. Teeth chattering. Liquids dripping on dry leaves. I turned around slowly, praying it was just deer. I was dead wrong. There had to have been fifty zombies walking out from behind those trees. I was surrounded. The zombies were dressed like hikers. I pulled out a knife and waved it around, telling those beasts to stay back, or else. They didn't listen. One of them fools jabbed his hand at my face. I stabbed the zombie's palm and shoved the knife between his eyes. He fell – dead. I got out another knife and sliced the air multiple times. It was raining fingers. My stabbing abilities didn't scare the zombies. They drooled in anticipation. Some were smiling. There were too many of them – all closing in, all stinking and rotting and leaking.
The zombies fell on top of me. I tried to scream, but nothing came out of my mouth but little rat sounds. I crawled through some legs – out of that Dog-Pile of The Dead – and wobbled to my feet and jammed my knife into a zombie's forehead. That prick staggered around in a daze...then dropped into the arms of his friends, taking them to the ground. That was the last knife. I was punching, back-kicking, front-kicking, headbutting....
This is it, I thought. I'm gonna die sober. Crap.
I was trapped against a tree. Before they sank their teeth into my meats, that witch flew in on her broom and hovered over us. She was ugly.
“Eat him, my children! Eat your food! He's full of vitamins! Hahahaha!”
I kicked a hole through a zombie's stomach and dove through the startled corpse, landing with a tuck and roll. I jumped up and gave a zombie an uppercut, sending the head tumbling through the air. It hit the witch in the face and sent her broom spinning through the air and crashing into a tree. She rolled around, crying.
“I'm such an idiot,” she said, wiping the mud from her eyes.
Zombies went to help her up. She had some sort of glowing diamond around her neck. She checked to make sure it was okay, then exhaled a great sigh of relief. The witch pointed at me and screamed, “EAT HIM OUT!”
I heard a great roar come out of the cave.
Everyone stopped to stare.
Something in there was running. Heavy footsteps. The beast jumped out and landed with a great thud that shook the earth. It had the head of a dolphin and the body of a nude, muscular woman. There was no tail. My brain malfunctioned, and I screamed and fell back against the zombies. The beast ran up and tore a zombie in half and spoke.
“Damn you alllll!”
Its voice was powerful – full of bass – godlike. The beast picked me up and jumped off the mountain. I could hear that witch yelling – begging – her zombies to, “Stop them, please! Stop the humans before they call the cops again!”
The beast had me over its shoulder as it ran down the side of the mountain. It tripped and we fell into a stream of zombie heads, all trying to bite and depress us. I yelped and kicked them away and swam out of the stream. First reaction? Get the hell away from the beast. Before I could get far, the thing spoke my name.
“Lars! Help!”
It was Beth in there (somewhere in that body). She twirled around and complained. I saw the problem. A zombie head had its mouth on her hair. Angered by this zombie's lack of respect, I yanked it off and football-kicked it into a tree top where it landed in a bird's nest. Much bird-arguing and, I assume, pecking of the eyes followed.
I heard that witch call out: “Let's go home. Zombie vanish!”
A strong BOOM followed.
I walked toward Beth. She stood in the dark, chest going up and down. Her wet dolphin head glittered in the moonlight. I was intimidated by all that muscle. Made me feel small – pathetic. Beth put her hand on my shoulder. She had some grip.
“It's me,” she said. “The real me.”
Her voice was human again. She smelt wonderful. Salty. Such an amazing sight. I wanted her. Wanted to run up and kiss her all over. I wanted her blowhole. I was in heat. Was this love?
“You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” I said.
She grunted.
“Can we go now? Ants are biting my feet.”
“As you wish, princess.”
After I drove her back to my place, she told me what happened to her in that cave.
/> “I ran in there and turned on my flashlight. I was in some kind of wooden room covered in cobwebs and cockroaches and centipedes. A large, stone alter was way out in front of me. It had a gold arrow that pointed down. I wanted to get a better look at the alter, so I walked closer, and I fell into a pool of thick liquid,” she said. “It tasted like mucus. I was drowning. My flashlight sank into the pool, and all was dark. I felt the edge and climbed out. I saw a bright light...moving around under the pool. The thing flew out and came right at me. It had a woman's face. A ghost. I started panicking and crawling around like a crazy person. I screamed for you. I should've kept quiet. That ghost went into my mouth and down my stomach. Next thing I remember, I was running out of there.”
“Shocking,” I said. “Do you feel ill?”
She looked at her beefy hands.
“I feel...marvelous. Just marvelous.”
I kept giving her beer, trying to get her drunk. It worked, and she laughed at all my jokes. An hour later, she was singing me dolphin songs. The sound was a bit unnerving at first, but I just smiled and stayed polite. After she accidentally vomited on my feet, I carried her into my room like a new bride and dumped her on my bed. She weighed a ton. She pulled out a condom, and it was finally time for me to work my magic. I turned on some jazz music and climbed into bed and tried to be as erotic as possible. It worked. She moaned in what I hoped was pleasure. She had curious fingers and a wise tongue that jabbed in and out of my mouth with the accuracy of a skilled knife-man. She kept calling me “daddy”, but it was okay because I kept calling her “mommy”.
It was the most romantic time of my life.
At some point, I woke up to find Beth crying about her dad.
“I pulled the plug on him,” she said.
I rolled over and kissed her.
“Forget about these depressing thoughts. Don't let your past become your present. Get positive. Let's have sex. I'm eager.”
Beth just cried harder.
“I killed him!”
I moved back a little. I could sense the crazy coming on. I had to be careful. This was a sensitive case.
“Don't be stupid,” I said.
She nodded.
“Dad had many enemies. After a jealous rival threw a pointy rock at his temple, he was sent to the hospital. The doctors said he was brain dead. The lights were on, but nobody was home. They asked what I wanted to do.”
“So you pulled the plug?”
“I had to think intelligently. It was just a body. Empty of love. No passion. No soul. My eyes were lying to me. It wasn't Dad anymore. Just a passionless body on life support.” She wiped her tears with my dirty sock. “Seeing his empty body there, still going, you know what it reminded me of?”
All this talk about dead bodies was deflating my erotic mood.
“What did it remind you of?”
She looked at me.
“A zombie. Isn't that funny?”
“How depressing.”
“I'm sorry. I'm on my period. Still wanna have sex? I can just lie here.”
“No,” I said, rolling over in bed. “Goodnight to you.”
Her words fried on my mind: “A passionless body on life support....”
I caught my reflection in the window.
A passionless body on life support.
Next morning, I woke up in bed to find her gone. In a panic, I jumped up and ran around, calling after her. She was out in the rain in nothing but a shirt and shorts, doing pushups, lifting weights. It looked like she fashioned those dumbbells out of wood and stone. I tried talking to her, but she just kept her eyes to the sky, smiling, ignoring me. I shrugged and made her breakfast. She spent the majority of the day working out and kissing the muscles on her arms. Grinning. Always grinning....
At around six o'clock, Beth told me to put my pants on. There was work to be done, and she'd pay me back later.
When we got to the city, Beth saw something that got her all excited. She gripped my shoulder.
“Stop here!”
I hit the brakes.
“What? Is it zombies?”
Beth jumped out and ran off and chatted with an old lady carrying groceries. Beth helped her with the bags. As they crossed the street, a car made an illegal turn and ran right at them. Beth shoved the old woman out of the way and took the hit. She was fine. The car, on the other hand, was destroyed. Beth pulled the man out through the windshield and pressed his face against hers.
“If I see you driving again, I'm going to eat your face!”
The man was shaking and foaming at the mouth in fear. Beth growled at him for a long time and threw him up a tree.
“I'm so very sorry!” the man cried, dangling off a branch. “Please forgive me, demon!”
Beth walked the old woman to the truck...helped her in...and buckled her up. I was just staring at her this whole time, dumbfounded. “What's happening right now? Is this a joke?”
The old lady kissed Beth on the cheek.
“You are the answer to one of my many problems. I love you.”
Beth smiled at me.
“This is Miss Shampi. Let's drive her home. I'll sit in the back with the groceries.”
Miss Shampi shook my hand and told me her address, then she put her hand on my thigh and winked. Beth banged on the back window, and I drove off. Along the way, Beth kept yelling at me to stop so we could pick up more old people. We even picked up someone in a wheelchair and someone with crutches. What was I gonna say to the beast? No? Eventually, there was a whole gaggle of folks in the back. Some, in my opinion, didn't even need the ride, like dog walkers and little kids. I had four people crammed next to me: Miss Shampi, a guy with one arm, a guy with no arms, and some nerd-girl that never stopped crying. I didn't even ask.
I was pissed. Helping people was nice and all, but all I wanted to do was just get home and make love.
I stopped at a red light. A truck pulled up next to us. The drunk college kids inside made fun of Beth, calling her a freak. Even the driver joined in and gave her the middle finger. It was all for cheap, idiotic laughs. Laughs that hid their fear that maybe – just maybe – that college degree might be worth jack shit later. Beth smiled as they giggled and shoved their fingers at her.
“Be careful, kids,” she warned. “Watch where you're going.”
They just guzzled more red wine and turned up the volume on their boombox. Techno music played. A kid threw his math book into the air.
“Damn kids,” I whispered. “Damn, damn, damn brainless kids.”
Their truck kept inching forward. The driver was passed out at the wheel, drooling all over his knees. His friend tried to wake him up, but it was too late. They were hit by a car going top speed. Both vehicles flipped and everyone flew out. Cars following behind hit their brakes and smashed into them and tumbled down the street. Fires started....
Beth jumped out and ran to the impressive car crash and helped as many people as she could – dragging out burned bodies, picking up and throwing away large hunks of hot metal. Everyone lived. People were missing arms, legs, ears, feet, etc. No screams of terror. No one ran away. No one was scared of Beth. On the contrary, they saw right through her weirdness. They rejoiced and hugged her. Some even threw money and coins at her. Beth called me over.
“Pick up this money. Use it well. Pay your bills. Invest in stocks and bonds. Prepare for your retirement. Where will you be at age 60?”
I nodded and did as she asked and filled my pockets with money. The disfigured people were all lining up, handing me bills, coins, even wallets.
“An eye for an eye,” said one.
“What's good for the goose,” said another.
They were all so grateful. I was very taken by the scene. A man rolled out of a burning car. His legs were on fire. He had a beer bottle in each hand. Clearly a drunkard.
“Forgive me!” he cried. “They came out of nowhere! Not my mess! Not my mess!”
The drunk tilted his head back and showered his face w
ith beer, gurgling the junk down. Beth ran up and grabbed him and shook him and lifted him off the ground.
“Only the wicked drink and drive!” she said.
The man's eyes grew huge. He shrieked, “Mother of God – it's a demon!”
Everyone gathered around the man and hit his beer-dripping body with thick sticks.
“This is no demon,” a little girl said. “This is an angel.”
Beth threw the drunk down the road. He went into a mad scramble, crawling away and yelling.
“This is draconian!”
The mob beat him with sticks and rocks and tires and belts, and then they chopped off all his hair. Beth just stood there in a wide stance with her hands on her hips, laughing. The man jumped up and pushed everyone away and ran off screaming, waving his arms in the air. Everyone clapped. Extreme satisfaction. The job was done. Beth hugged everyone and shook their hands.
“Splendid job,” she told them. “Random justice has been served.”
She jumped on the roof of a wrecked car, threw her arms back, and gave out a mighty ROAR, sounding like a goddamn Tyrannosaurus rex. It was in happiness, I think. People pumped their firsts into the air and cheered.
“This is no monster,” a woman who was horribly burned said. “This is our savior!”
Beth looked down at me.
“Do me a favor, Lars. Be a doll and take these good souls home. Thanks so much.” She put her hands on her hips and turned to the crowd. “Goodbye, friends. Be safe!”
She jumped off the car and ran into the woods.
Everyone surrounded me, told me where they lived, and piled in the back of the truck.
When I got home, I drank five beers and took an inebriated shower. After that wet goodness, I watched TV while I sat in the nude. I wasn't really watching. Too deep in thought. Something had to be done about Beth running off. Was this going to be a habit? Where was she? What was she doing? And, more important, who was she doing it with? I cleared my throat and scratched my beer belly and turned my attention to the news reporter on TV. She was interviewing a banker. He was all messed up – stuttering and sweating, bleeding from the mouth. Cops walked around with flashlights, shaking their heads at each other, looking busy. The reporter fixed her hair.