That's all evil really is anyway.
Just crazy thoughts.
ENOCH SESUS
My mom didn't just watch the news, she recorded it. Every night, she did this. I once asked her why, and she said, “I like watching the news over and over to be reminded how evil the world is. Makes me feel like a better person.”
She had piles of videotapes all over the living room – all throughout the house. I had to tiptoe around the kitchen just to fry eggs. After I fed Mom, I took her hand and helped her upstairs and gave her a warm bath. She coughed, and blood turned the water red. She started weeping.
“I've turned weird,” she said. “Call the circus. We can make millions.”
I washed her hair.
“You're fine, Mom. You're just dandy. How 'bout we put you to bed? Nice dreams are waiting for you tonight.”
She looked up at me with that lazy eye.
“Speaking of nice dreams, do you have kids yet?”
“Mom, I'm not even married.”
“How's your girlfriend doing?”
“Mom, I'm single.”
“Is something wrong with you? Have you stopped showering? Girls can smell your stink from miles away.”
“I'm still showering.”
“Then what's keeping you from making babies? Are you a faggit?”
“No. I just haven't found the right woman. I'm very picky. I'm being smart about it.”
“You have to stop scratching that blind dong of yours, son. Get a lady friend. Fulfill those human needs. You'll go crazy if you don't. You'll end up like me – lonely and doing prescription drugs and crying into mirrors, wondering, 'What went wrong? At what point did I stumble?'”
She touched my cheek.
“Why don't you date that Carmen girl? She reminds me of you. Don't you wanna date someone that has the same interests as you? Likes what you like? Hates what you hate?”
“Why would I want to date myself? I laugh whenever I see myself naked in the mirror.”
I washed the needle. Mom took my arm and stared at me, smiling like she just got the idea of the century.
“Did you call Dr. Loopay?”
“Sure did,” I said, injecting medication into the small of her arm.
She didn't even notice.
“What did he say? Am I dying yet?”
“Dr. Loopay says you're doing great. He's in total shock by your well-being. Says it's one for the medical books.”
“Bullshit,” Mom said, looking sad again. “You'll say anything to make me happy. God bless you.”
And she was right. I was lying through my teeth.
An hour after Mom went to sleep, my phone rang. It was time for another gig. The full moon would be out soon. Jeff – the leader of the pack – told me to drive out to Farrington football field and wait there. On the ride over, I thought of Mom, of how she always took care of me, how she beat the living crap out of my dad when I was young because she found him kissing-face with a Korean kid that was 13. Serves him right, the retard. She divorced him right quick. Took care of me all by her lonesome. Back in those days, I'd find her in bed sleeping, all cried out, hands gripping magazines of attractive male models. I never saw her go out on a date. I assumed it was because she always had to take care of me. Damn it. Am I holding her back? Am I a burden? I decided at a young age to pay her back for her sacrifice.
I'd take care of her.
I'd be her new man.
I'd shower her with riches.
I was working at a bank at the time. My coworker – Carl – tipped me off on the werewolf gang. Said he just joined and was making loads of money with them. Asked if I was interested in joining. I jumped on it. Two months later, I made enough to quit my job, focus on my paintings full-time, and bought Mom a fancy necklace and an even fancier mansion in the Diamond Head area.
True story.
When I got to the football field, the whole gang was there tossing the old ball around. Ah, football! How I hated it. The very sight of them running around, tackling each other, slapping asses, sent shivers of shame up my spine. Would they ask me to play? I didn't know the first thing about football. Not my sport. Didn't have the body for it. Even as a werewolf, I was still the smallest guy in the group. Jeff drove up in his expensive car and joined them in a “friendly” game. I watched in horror as they banged into each other. People were picked up and tossed around.
“Come and play!” Jeff said to me, his face all bloody and torn up. “This is excellent practice!”
“No,” I said, giving a fake smile. “I have a headache.”
Everyone laughed. Did I mention they were shirtless?
“Aww, the baby has a headache!” the boys said. “Goo-goo-gaga! Look at the baby!” And that was Carl who said that last part. Some friend, eh? Jeff told them to shut up and keep playing before the moon came out. Sometime in their game, the football got all torn up. Jeff tossed it aside.
“Bah! This sport isn't manly enough!”
He grabbed Carl's face and headbutted him. Carl laughed and did the same right back. Soon, they were all doing it – all just headbutting each other. Blood everywhere. What a mad sight. Were they crazy? But it wasn't enough. They started fighting each other – full on fighting. Fists in guts, feet in faces, hair being pulled, backs cracking. I wanted to run off and hide from these loons. Wanted the night to be over with. Just wanted to make my monies and go home to Mom.
The clouds revealed the full moon. Everyone looked up and froze. I took my clothes off fast as I could. Transformation was always a bit messy. I can't tell you how many outfits I ruined. I howled and tore my skin off. My scalp came away like I was pulling back on a hoodie....
Don't worry. It all grows back in the morning.
Thirty seconds later, I was the hairy beast. The boys were still playing. Someone had the bright idea of getting a spare tire and tossing it around like a football. Much laughter; much howling; much drooling. I opened a briefcase and put on my business suit and checked my elastic watch.
Didn't we have a job to do?
I shook my head.
Men could be so moronic.
I understood lesbians that night.
After I drove everyone to the getaway area, they ran into the woods and left me behind. Same old story. So there I was. Imagine it: A fully transformed werewolf in a tiny car, waiting with his hands on the wheel, bored out of his mind. My head touched the ceiling. I exhaled my depression and shame. Jeff never let me go with them. Said I was too weak. That I wasn't a real wolf. Whatever. Let them have their fun. At least I was safe.
I heard a distant boom...and the ground shook. Something important was happening. Birds flew out from the trees. Someone was coming. The werewolf in business clothes ran out of the woods in a mad panic, looking behind his shoulder every two seconds, tripping over its feet and falling down and getting up again and looking around lost and afraid. Whoever it was had bags of money.
Who is that?
All werewolves look the same to me. Does that make me racist? The werewolf ran in front of my headlights. It was Jeff, his fur caked in blood. He ripped off the door and dove in the car, begging me to: “Drive, you fool! Get us out of here!”
His fur filled the car. Some got in my mouth.
“Where's everybody? Where's Carl?”
“Dead! They're all DEAD! The cops shot them with a goddamn bazooka! Can you believe it?”
I hit the gas and made for the freeway. Jeff was digging through the bag of money and tossing the bills around, kissing them, loving them.
“More for us,” he was saying. “THOSE CRETINS! I told them to keep a low profile. They kept hollering and killing and eating people. Now look at them. Blown up by a bazooka. Not my fault!” he gripped my shoulder. “You hear me? It's not my fault!”
“Yes, sir. I know.”
“Say iiiit. Say it isn't my fault.”
I think he was crying. To shut him up, I said the words.
“Sir...it's not your fault.”
He smiled and sat back and took a big whiff of money.
“Mmm,” he went. “Look at all this fine money. The boss will be so proud of me. I'll be promoted!” He gripped my shoulder. “Say I deserve to be promoted. Say the words and mean it!”
“You deserve to be promoted. I mean it.”
He gave me a hundred dollar bill. Before I could say thank you, I coughed up a hairball that splattered all over the windshield. Some thing fell on the hood of the car and crouched, staring at us. Jeff freaked out and almost jumped through the roof.
“The Transdolphin! Shake the bitch off!”
I went left and right. The Transdolphin scowled at me, yelling:
“Jesus, God! Pull over, you idiot! We're next to a damn cliff!”
I hit the brakes, and the car came to a screeching halt . The monster gave a surprised look and flew back, swallowed up by the dark. Jeff and I stared at each other, bewildered. He grabbed the sides of my face. His eyes were desperate. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss me.
“Reverse! I can't die like this! I'm destined for greatness!”
I reversed and shot right into traffic. Cars and mopeds complained and zipped by. That transdolphin stood in front of us like it wanted to be hit. Jeff was giddy.
“Keep reversing! Go faster! Ram it! Ram it!”
We yelled in anticipation. I thought we had the damn thing. I thought we were gonna win.
The Transdolphin shot its arms out and stopped the car. We flew through the back windshield, crashing to the ground, rolling and rolling with our bones snapping, with our teeth flying out, with chunks of our meat scrapping off. When I was still, I thought it was raining. It was our blood catching up with us. I opened my eyes and saw the Transdolphin standing over Jeff. He was on his belly, crawling away, calling for me.
“Boy, help! Don't let this thing put its dirty hands on me! Boyyyyyyyyyyy!”
The Transdolphin picked him up by his shoulders. Her breasts (breasts? – was I seeing things?) jiggled. The Transdolphin was a female. Jeff kicked and screamed. I couldn't believe it: He was praying.
“Father in Heaven, something-something be thy name. I don't remember the rest! God, do something! You fiend!”
I never saw a werewolf so scared before. We were meant to be strong, fearless. This transdolphin was the real deal. We were beat. We were no longer on top of the food chain. The news showed up. Dorfy got out of the van and said to the driver, “I need these monsters on camera! I'm gonna win so many awards for this!”
Jeff yelled in the Transdolphin's face.
“Time for plan B!”
He reached into his pants and pulled out a hand grenade. I suddenly wanted to flee. The Transdolphin tried to take the thing from him. Jeff swallowed it and gave the Transdolphin a bear hug and laughed.
“You're coming with me!”
The Transdolphin tried to wiggle away.
“Shit!” she said. “SHIT!”
I ran to the car and grabbed the bag of money. I made it into the woods, vanishing into the darkness. There was an explosion behind me. Somewhere, a dolphin was singing, echoing throughout the woods. The sound sent shivers all through me. The Transdolphin. What a queer sight. What was it? Where did it come from? What did it want? How did it procreate? Never mind these good questions. I had to keep focused on where I was going. Escape! I kept moving...legs and lungs on fire.
A light blinded me.
I got dizzy.
My eyes adjusted.
It was a video camera.
“Dorfy Tinkgltop Esperanza here, reporting live on the scene.” She shoved her mic in my face. “Excuse me, Mr. Werewolf? May I have a few words with you?”
I pushed her away.
“Scram before that transdolphin gets you!”
I tried running, but my knees hurt. All I could do was walk briskly, careful I didn't trip over a tree stump and embarrass myself. Dorfy and her cameraman kept up. She stood in front of me.
“The public is fascinated by you and your kind. Don't you have anything to say to them?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Suck my dick!”
“Mr. Werewolf, there are children watching.”
I grabbed the camera – “No pictures!” – and slammed it against a tree. Everything went dark.
Dorfy was furious.
“You pussy! Come back here and fight like a real man!”
BETH
That was a close call.
That werewolf wouldn't let me go. I bit his head off and picked him up and threw him far as possible. He exploded into a beautiful display of fireworks. I hid under a tree when the blood and guts fell down. I ran after that other wolf and yelled that I was going to murder it if I caught up. For some odd reason, English words didn't come out – just dolphin sounds. I was mildly disturbed. It took all my willpower to sound normal again.
When I got to the other side of the woods, I found myself in some neighborhood. Cops were all over a house, barking orders for the villain to come out peacefully. I walked up to the police. Everyone cheered – the onlookers, the news crew, even the cops. Dreslen waved me away.
“Scram! This is official police business, Transdolphin. Let the real men handle this.”
The asshole. I stared him down, looking all serious.
“That werewolf in there is my business, sir. Now move aside and let a real hero handle this.”
His goons stood in my way. Chief Dreslen nodded to the house and loaded his gun.
“There ain't no werewolf in there, you supernatural dolt. It's Martin Hennessy. One of our best taro farmers.”
I could hear the man in the house arguing and breaking things.
“He's gone mad,” I said. “What's he on? Cocaine?”
“Beer.”
“Excuse me? Beer?”
“Yup. Old man Hennessy is drunk again. Beat his wife up real good, too. She called us for help.” He turned to the cops. “Boys, kindly escort Miss Transdolphin off the premises before I throw one of my legendary temper tantrums.”
Again with his grin. I wanted to rip it off and gift wrap it and hand it to his kids.
Oh, well.
I put my hands up in surrender and backed away to let our “hero” do his work. This Hennessy fellow was at the window with a shotgun, peeking out every now and then, eyeing the scene, taking score. He pulled back the curtains.
“Leave me alone! What's your damage? Yeah, I hit her. It's normal! My pa hit me and my ma all the time! So what? Who cares? What's the big deal?”
He shot off a few into the Moon.
“SO WHAT? WHO CARES?”
The cops ducked. Onlookers ran off screaming. Many jumped on their tractors and skedaddled. An old woman in a straw hat, waving around a pitchfork, stopped people and yelled through all the commotion.
“Them bullets be falling back down and go digging straight through our skulls! Listen to what I says!”
Hennesy ran back into the house. A woman shrieked. I could see their shadows behind the curtains. They were wrestling standing up.
“Shaddap!” Hennessy said, shaking her. “Obey me! Do as I say, not as I do! Females must listen to the man! The Bible says you has to!”
Chief Dreslen spoke into the bullhorn.
“Hen, calm down now. Let's come out and talk about sensible things in a sensible way.”
Hennessy slapped his wife.
“Why ain't my hits working on you?! Why ain't you listening to me?! Where's the off switch?” Then it dawned on him. He let her go and backed away. “Oh, sweet Jesus. I get it now. It's all so clear now. ” He pointed at her with his trembling hand. “You a devil! You a devil woman!”
He aimed his shotgun at her.
The police chief yelled into the horn.
“Hen, that isn't a very smart move. Put the noisemaker down!”
I rolled my eyes and ran my hand over my face. I was surrounded my imbeciles.
“You crazy humans. There's no time to pussyfoot!”
I pushed through. Chi
ef Dreslen shoved his boys on me.
“Stop the damn beast! Don't let her make us look bad! We are men of honor!”
But the officers just stood there, looking back and forth at each other, too scared to touch me.
I went, “Hmph! Damn straight,” and ran to the house.
I could hear Chief Dreslen scolding his men. “You're fired! You Nancy boys are all fired!”
I dove through the window and tackled old man Hennessy to the ground. His shotgun went off and blew a hole through the ceiling. Water fell all over us, followed by a lot of fish. Hennessy got on his knees. He took one look at me and, eyes big as dinner plates, cried out, “Whaaaaaaaaaaat?”
I got his shotgun and punched it, shattering it like breadcrumbs.
“I'm a woman, too, Mr. Hennessy. How's about you give me a few slaps, eh? How's about you make me obey.”
Hennesy just stayed on the ground, lips trembling, hands in prayer.
His wife ran and hugged me and showered me with kisses. Then she kicked Hennessy on the face...over and over again until blood shot out from his eyes in sparkling streams. I just stood there with my arms folded across my breasts, watching, smiling, nodding.
“Harder,” I said. “Kick him harder. Let it allll come out. I wanna watch this criminal bleed.”
Hennessy was weeping, protecting his face.
“Stop, Mary-Sue! You is hurting me! Is this love?”
I could hear people outside cheering and hollering. I pulled Mary-Sue away from her work and said, “Peace be with you, child. It's my turn now.”
Hennessy grabbed a shard of glass and threw it at Mary-Sue's forehead. She fell into my arms. Red ran down her face. She stared at her messy hands in amazement.
“Look at the blood! I'm dying!”
Hennessy laughed and drank a beer, smashing the bottle into his face like a (quote, unquote) “real man”.
“I am invigorated! I am getting visions!” He picked up a HUGE piece of glass that looked like a sword. “Die, you disobedient wives of Satan! Yeee-hawwww!”
I tossed Mary-Sue away. Hennessy ran the glass sword into my side. I stumbled back and pulled it out.
“Infidel!”
I shoved the sword through Hennessy's left eye – the back of his head exploding, brains splashing out. I started to get nervous. I couldn't let those humans see this dead man. They were unpredictable. They were sensitive. Prone to illogical fits. What if they turn on me? They'd shun me from the island. My home. Where would I go? To the ocean? How primitive.