“I was trying to do a good deed because I wanted to get into Heaven. That's understandable, isn't it?”
“Intellectually – no. Spiritually – yes,” I said. “Please, Philipo...continue.”
“I always saw those zombies loitering (and littering) in A'ala Park. They're always looking so sad and pathetic and hopeless. I wanted to help at least one. Do some good in this world, so I threw a net on one, shoved him into my van, took him home and gave him his own penthouse. Things were fine. One night, I bought a pig so I could feed the zombie. When I went into the penthouse, the damn zombie jumped on me and tried to eat my face! Damn those ropes. I knew I should've tied a double knot! I threw the screaming pig at the monster and ran out of there and hammered boards all over the front door. Dang it – and we were getting along so well. I thought we were pals. I cried all that night. Damn thing turned on me! On me! Its friend! Its savior! What an unfair, backwards world. I just wanted to help the thing. Just wanted to do good....”
I looked through my attack bag.
“And what now?”
He threw his hands up and sighed.
“Screw doing good. It just breaks your heart. I'm gonna get greedy. I'm selling this place to the Japanese, but it needs to get all cleaned up first. That's why I need you to get rid of that zombie. Oh, and here's a bucket and a mop. Do me a favor, baby, and make the penthouse all pretty when you're done. I'll pay extra. And I'll even throw in some free ropes! Lord knows I don't need them anymore.”
The baby thing bothered me, but I let it pass. He probably said it unconsciously. He wasn't thinking before speaking. People were dumb that way.
He took me up to the penthouse.
Signs were all around that pointed to the room, signs that read, “Do not enter!” and “Stay away!” and “Management not responsible for your death!” and “Please!”
It all made perfect sense. Why surprise people? Tell them everything. If things get dirty, you can say, “Told you so. Not my mess. Bon voyage.”
Sure enough, the door was boarded up real good. I cracked my knuckles and inhaled and flipped my hair back and put my ear to the door. The room was quiet (except for a dripping sound). A great stink hung in the air – reminded me of a dead pigeon I once found cooked in my car during the day. I was standing on bloody ropes. Philipo took out a crowbar and pulled the boards off the door. He unlocked it, gave me a strong look, gripped my shoulder, shook it, kissed me on the cheek, and RAN into the elevator. I think I heard him praying, and I think it was for me. Thank you, I thought. Thank you for that.
I picked up my cleaning supplies and weapons and pushed the door open with my foot.
Dimness. The place was comforted by the city lights. What a wonderful view – such a huge window. I could see in the building across from me a couple making love, bouncing up and down on a bed full of money. Ah! Such happiness! Such bliss! Silence wayyy up above the screaming cars, yelling mopeds (God, save me from those blasted inventions!), complaining dogs, and general noises. I suddenly got the urge to clean the place. I wanted to live there. I wondered if I could strike a deal with the landlord to have me pay less rent. I'd ask him after the job was done. I couldn't fight off the excitement: Me, living in such a quiet place. I could meditate for hours.
The zombie jumped on me and growled in my ear.
I was in a mad waltz. No escape. Wet hands in my mouth. The zombie was anxious! I tried yelling out for help, but it came out ridiculous. I reached back and took the zombie's head and yanked, giving the monster a judo flip. Its body tumbled through the dark and hit a glass table covered in black and white photographs of models. The SHATTER put me in a sudden state of alert awareness. I was stiff...ready...waiting. Something in my hands moved. What a treat. I was holding the zombie's head. A female. The eyes blinked at me, trying to look cute. I kicked it like a football straight out the window, and it twisted over itself into traffic. My first thought was: “My window!” The second thought: “I wish it was my window.”
Then a bad sight.
I was bitten. My hand bloody.
I was filled with raging annoyance. When the zombie stood up with all that blood fountaining out from its neck, I ran and kicked it and jumped on it and tore its limbs off and spat on it. I felt like a crazy person. I stood up weeping. You asshole, I thought. You damned thing! You've screwed me over! I stared at my hand. Shit, man. What happens when a transdolphin gets bit by a zombie? I'm fucked. Shit, shit, shit.
The place got real warm. Humid. Something crucial was developing. There was a light outside the window, hovering, radiant. The lightning ball flew into the penthouse and dove into the zombie body and brought it to life, giving it a new head – a head of fire.
“Come here,” said the angel, holding out its hand.
I did as told. She sucked the zombie curse out of me and spat the red mess up at the ceiling. I hugged the angel.
“Who are you?”
The angel touched my face.
“I am your guardian angel...or, in this case, you guardian zombie,” she said. “Great things are expected of you. Keep the faith. Follow your heart. Follow your inspiration. Fulfill your destiny.”
“What is my destiny?”
“You will guide your people back onto the promise island.”
“Who are my people?”
“Those who have decided to be their true selves. Those who have the dolphin awakened within them. The transdolphins.”
“And what about those humans that don't want their inner dolphin emancipated?”
“Fuck'em. Their loss,” she said. “All you can do is inform them. They have the right to choose.”
“Brilliant!”
“So forget about your petty dreams of this or that. Forget about this penthouse. You have a greater calling. You have...a purpose. You can now be happy.”
“Well, can't I be happy with this penthouse?”
“Eh?” Before she could argue, her watch beeped. “Whatever. I have to go to Puerto Rico now. You think you're the only one in need of inspiring? How selfish.”
I hugged the holy being one last time.
“Thank you for saving me.”
The angel smiled.
“Think great thoughts. It's the best kind of brainwashing.”
And its flaming head went up in a puff of smoke. The zombie corpse collapsed. I danced around the place as I mopped, happy to be alive. Great ideas filled my brain. Plans for the future. I felt like going to church. I had to tell them great secrets. Would they be ready?
The right ones would.
When I was done cleaning, I went downstairs dragging the zombie via ropes and collected my money. I mentioned how much I wanted the apartment, but he said he couldn't help me. Said it was up to the Japanese. I remember looking him dead in the face.
“I'll be back,” I said. “I'll be back, and that penthouse will be mine.”
I had a dream that night. A great dream.
I was leading a whole mess of humans to the ark. They all whispered to each other and shook hands and walked into the cave. The nuns lit the torches they brought. The ceiling dripped what I hoped was water; we stepped in puddles that went up to our ankles. All the while, the smell of fish hung in the air. Many people were coughing from the odor.
When we got to the pool of mucus, I took off all my clothes and jumped in and held my hands out.
“Who is first?”
A woman with no fingers reached out, and I pulled her in. I grabbed her head, kissed her on the forehead, and said, “I bless you, dear one. I wash away your sins.” And then I pushed her down into the mucus. She struggled. After a few seconds, all was still.
“You've murdered her!” a tennis player said.
I stared at the woman's face under the mucus. No movement. Nothing.
Good Lord. Is she...dead? Have I gone too far?
The woman splashed and gasped for air and hugged me. She had transformed into a transdolphin.
“I feel powerful!”
It
worked. I held her arms up so all could see how great she looked.
“Now we are sisters!” I said. “Now we are transdolphins! Now we are family!”
Everyone cheered and jumped into the pool, begging to be the next one blessed.
“Save me! Wash me! Transform me!” they all pleaded, shoving each other, their yells bouncing off the walls. I smiled and blessed as many people as I could. They jumped in as humans, and climbed out as dolphins, all in the nude, congratulating each other, slapping asses in good fun. I overheard a couple chatting.
MAN: “Did you hear about 2012?”
LADY: “It's the end of the world.”
MAN: “A huge tsunami will hit the island. People will die. That's what the scientists say.”
LADY: “Well...good thing we're transdolphins, eh? Ha!”
And then they were all screaming.
“Zombies!” a woman said, pointing to the entrance of the cave.
I got out of the pool and put my clothes on. Sure enough, zombies walked into the cave – a hundred of them, all bunched together, all spitting and snarling and reaching out. That witch hovered over them on her broom.
“Muahaha! Time to eat!” She looked at her army and ordered, “Get them!”
Transdolphins were torn apart – bowels yanked out, faces split apart, feet eaten, nipples ripped off...all-purpose messiness. It was an alarming sight. I covered my mouth and gagged.
My work! All my hard, holy work! Ruined!
Noises all around me. So much screaming and general complaining. Everyone ran around and bumped into each other, pleading with each other, hugging, comforting, yelling and yelling.
“What do we do?” they kept asking me. “Now what?!”
The dream ended with the ark being sealed off by some large object, and the place got dark. When I woke up, it felt for a second like I was still in there, trapped in the dark with all that crying.
I was at the church.
There was work to be done. Everyone smiled, so happy to see me. The priest – Father “Muscleman” Fred – gave me a powerful hug.
“So are we going out to help more people? We're all dressed up and ready to go.”
I gathered everyone together into a small room for my big announcement. They all looked scared. They understood that this was serious. I raised my hands to them and took a step forward.
“I had a vision. 2012 is almost here. The land will soon be cleansed to make room for its new tenants. It is time to get ready. It is time for you to evolve into saints.”
A man raised his hand.
“Question: How can this be done?”
I nodded.
“The Transdolphin Ark. The mucus that blessed me will bless you and wash away your sins. You will become angels. You will become transdolphins. Does this scare you?” I looked at them in all seriousness. “Who's ready?”
Everyone got on their feet and saluted me.
“Glory be to the Transdolphin!”
Someone had a bright idea:
“Let's celebrate!”
I was seated before a round table and fed well. People kept shoving garlic bread and spaghetti into my face, at the same time scrubbing my hands and feet and combing my hair and scratching my back. A young nun named Kirsty – wearing a red scarf around her neck – kissed me on the cheek.
“You are a true angel,” she said.
I have to admit...I was flattered. I told the nuns to gather a few torches – machetes too, just in case that witch came around. I got them all outside to do a few stretches, then I told them to get into a long line. We walked toward Tantalus. Parents driving their kids home from school slowed down to get a good look at us, squinting at us, judging our weirdness. My followers began to break down under the screeching sun. A woman fainted into the arms of her lover.
“Leave me be, Henry. Get to the cave. Save yourself!”
They wanted to take the bus, but I explained that they had to endure the long walk to prove they really wanted this. There were a lot of us, too. Something like eighty (give or take). People would stop us and ask questions, and we'd tell them the truth:
“We're on a holy pilgrimage. We're going to be angels. Wanna come?”
One out of fifty said, “Yes”. Even teenagers joined us. All were welcome. We got to the mountain and began the long journey walking through bushes. An hour later, the sea of people were all worn-out and agitated, some dry-heaving. I picked up a stick and raised my hands.
“You're all doing so well. Don't give up,” I said.
Kirsty stood next to me.
“Friends, we're almost there.”
An old woman in a walker threw balls of mud at us and shrieked:
“Almost there?! These elderly bones of mine can't take all this stress. How much further?”
Kirsty threw mud at her.
“A normal person wouldn't throw mud at the face of the Holy Transdolphin! Old woman, are you fucking retarded?!"
An epic mud fight began. I stood between them. “Peace be with you, dammit! Or I'll rip your arms off! This is not the time for violence.”
The old woman was ashamed.
“I'm so sorry, master. Have mercy on my stubborn ways. I don't know what got into me. Maybe the Devil?”
I smiled and touched her head.
“Be strong, old woman. Look there....” I pointed up the mountain. “A little hike through those woods, and we'll be there. So enough talk! The future calls!”
They all cheered. I waved my stick at them in an inspiring way and walked on. Five minutes later, some people gave up and sat on the ground. Many cried in shame and massaged their aching knees. I pitied them. I tried carrying a bald guy on my back, but he kept complaining how bad I smelled. I dropped him on his ass and told him to walk his damn, lazy, ungrateful self up the hill, but he just shrugged and slept in the tall grass. Others did the same and went to bed. I couldn't believe how weak they were. Here they were, close to experiencing something GREAT, and they couldn't even push themselves through a little hike – push through a little muscle pain. What a damn shame. I couldn't bother with them. I gathered the rest and walked onward.
When we got to a giant bush, I turned to the wheezing crowd.
“Brothers and sisters,” I said, “we have made it. Behind this giant bush is the ark. Bless'ed be this evening, for you shall all be saved from certain, future doom. I know because God called the telephone in my brain and gave me holy hallucinations. Chilling visions! Trust me. This will all be worth it. Now follow me into the cave of the transdolphins.”
I said it in a scary way, so they knew I meant business, that I was important. Seemed to work. Everyone chattered in excitement. A new life filled them. I got my machete and sliced the giant bush to bits and walked through. The smile on my face melted away.
Disappointment set in.
“No,” I whispered. “Goddamn it.”
The cave was covered in giant boulders. I tried moving them, but there was no way – not even with all my muscles. Everyone looked confused. Kirsty walked up to me.
“Does this mean we're not going to be transdolphins?”
I spun around. “LEAVE ME ALONE! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HEAVY LIFTING?!”
They all screamed and ran away. I gripped the biggest boulder, trying to move it at least an inch, my arms shaking.
“Go. I don't need you primitives anyway. I can do this all by my lonesome!”
After a few minutes of trying, one of them damn rocks actually moved. Inspired, I gave it all I got, and the thing rolled over on its side. It landed and sent a scary vibration throughout the earth. I wobbled.
“Now what?”
Intense rumbling all around me. I ran back down to the bottom of the mountain where everyone else was waiting. We all watched as the side of the mountain shook, and more giant boulders fell over the giant boulders already hiding the cave, and then the trees fell over it, and then all this mud. It started to rain, and we walked back to town with our tails between our legs. Many people went
home or to the church.
Kirsty and some of the nuns stayed with me.
All that depression made us hungry.
It was decided that a night on the town and a great meal would remedy our negative state of being. Kirsty's boyfriend came down and joined us (although, I suspect he was actually there just to get my autograph). We were all hungry for different things. After much bickering, we finally decided on a place to eat and walked into an Italian restaurant called Sesso Della Bocca. The owner – Mario – was happy to see me.
“Transdolphin! In my restaurant! I am in awe. Thank you for trying to clean up our fine island. You and your friends can order anything you want – on the house. Setzen Sie meine Nahrung in Ihr breites Loch!”
We all clapped and cheered and stuffed our mouths with so much spaghetti and lasagna and garlic bread. The house band played happy Italian music. The cooks came out and took pictures with us. Gang members walking by the joint took one look at me and ran off. I called the waiter over. For my final meal, I ordered a giant meatball. When it arrived, I shook pepper over it. I heard arguing behind me. Kirsty was in a shouting match with her boyfriend. I couldn't help but eavesdrop as they went on and on about who was going to wash dishes when they got home. I had a pile of pepper on my meatball. Just the way I liked it. I picked up the ball of meat with both hands and bit into all that hotness.
A weighty customer walked into the restaurant, followed by a mighty wind. The pepper on my meatball flew all over me.
My blowhole tickled....
I sneezed, and things got unusual:
Thick mucus – green as Smoker's Teeth – shot out my blowhole and splattered all over Kirsty. She was shocked...frozen with her fork of spaghetti hovering in front her open mouth. The band died. The place was quiet. Eyes went from me, to Kirsty, to me, to Kirsty. What was going to happen next? I looked around and tried to smile. All I could think to say was:
“Sorry?”
Kirsty started mumbling...then shaking...then vomited water all over her boyfriend. He jumped up and held her in his arms as she convulsed.
“Call an exorcist!” he begged.
She began scratching the back of her bloody neck.
“Feels so good. I can breathe.”