All of the dresses are a muted red. Mine has extra detail since I’m the maid of honor, with a plunging halter neckline, cinching in the waist, and a low cutout in the back. It’s exquisite. I leave it hanging so it doesn’t get smashed in my suitcase yet.
Louise and I accomplish a lot the next day. We talk for a few hours, first discussing upcoming signings and then covering the timeline for my new book. I love every bit of this work. It’s the only time I am fulfilled.
After I’m done with all the errands, I go to my parents’ and spend the night. They will take me to the airport in the morning. We have a fun night, but I crawl into bed early, feeling worn out. I think about Shane and inwardly groan. It’s not going to last with him. In fact, I need to just be done with men altogether. It won’t do any good. I can’t forget him.
I stare at the ceiling, and as always, it settles on me. The grief. It’s been two years, ten months, and four days and it still cuts just as deep. I turn over and open my nightstand drawer. I haven’t done this in a long time. It’s not smart, but I pull out the small photo album of Ian and me. It’s got about 100 4x6s of us, from the very beginning to the end. I flip through the pictures and see the way he looked at me, the love in his eyes. The light in my face that went away the day I knew what he’d done.
I will never love anyone the way I love him. Ever.
All this searching for something, someone, ANYTHING to dull the ache that he left … I know it will never be filled. He’s the only one I’ll ever love.
I wipe the tears from my face and shake my head in frustration. I thought I was past crying over him. I set the album back in the drawer, and when I do, my fingers brush against the box. I pick it up and open it. My engagement ring sparkles back at me.
I put it on my finger and fall asleep wearing it.
I stand facing them for an eternity, the intricacy of the woodwork blurring together as I stare at the doors too long. Finally, I take a step and go inside. The room is a peaceful blue. I take a deep breath. It feels warm in here, safe. I turn and see Ian standing by the window. He smiles, holding out his hand to me, and I’m not afraid.
- 30 -
Two years, ten months, and five days since he broke my heart
“How’s Laila?”
A long, painful silence stretches out into minutes.
When Ian finally speaks, it’s with a quiet, even tone. “I haven’t seen Laila in over three years. I talk to Jeff often—we’ve managed to put together a relationship of sorts. He’s still trying to work things out with Laila. I don’t know how he ever forgave me, but he…” his voice trails off.
I nod and pull on my skirt, wishing I could be off of this plane now.
“I heard you’re dating someone,” Ian says, looking straight ahead.
“I’ve dated a few someones,” I say softly.
“Last I heard, you were serious about someone.” Ian turns to me now, and the pain in his eyes is threatening to undo me.
“No, not really,” I tell him. “I heard that about you too, though.”
“We broke up. I dated her for 9 months, but we’ve been broken up for a while now.”
The captain begins to give the final instructions before we land. Ian takes my cup and throws it into the bag when the steward walks past.
My brain is still attached to the ‘we broke up’, and I want to hear more about that.
“Did you cheat on her?” It comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.
Ian takes a breath before speaking. “Well, if you consider being in love with someone else the entire time we dated, then yes. But no, I didn’t—she knew about you all along. We were friends first, and she thought she could ‘cure’ me.”
He gives me a weak smile, and my heart does that turn over plunge.
Just then, the wheels make contact with the pavement and we go bouncing along to a stop.
We sit and wait until the seatbelt sign goes off, Ian staring at me the whole time. It’s a bit disconcerting. I can’t stop looking at him, either. His face—his eyes, his lips, that sexy slow grin, his full eyebrows that can show so much expression. I love this man. I can’t stop loving him.
Finally, we’re filing off the plane and now that I’ve gotten my wish, I just want to redo the past hour with him.
Ian is silent on the way to baggage claim. When we stop in front of the carousel to wait for our luggage, Ian touches my arm with his hand. I look up at him and he smiles.
“When I said you changed me, it was the truth.” He grasps my hand and puts it on his heart. “Time has only solidified it for me. And today has simply been icing on the cupcake.” His eyes twinkle with the memory. He puts my hand back on my purse and gives it a pat before letting go.
I don’t know what to say, so I pretend to watch for my luggage. I’m looking but not really seeing.
Ian scoops up his suitcase and asks what mine looks like. I give him the description, and it’s already rolling past us on the conveyor belt. He chases it down and brings it back to me.
“Need a ride?” he asks.
“No, Tessa will be here for me. She’s probably already been texting.” I’ve been oblivious to my phone.
“Do you mind if I ask where you’re staying?”
I blush. “The Ritz Carlton.”
“No!” He rears his head back and his laugh echoes. “Me too.” He grins from ear to ear.
“Nuh-uh! You’re just saying that.”
“I kid you not,” he vows.
“What’s going on here?” My eyebrows have developed a mind of their own—this frown will probably give me wrinkles for life.
He holds up both hands before taking the handles of both our suitcases and leading the way outside. “If you were looking for a sign from heaven, baby, I’d say they’re all around you. Take note.”
There’s the cocky man I once knew.
I keep scowling and follow him out the door.
Tessa is waiting outside. I see her just a few cars back and begin waving wildly. She pulls up slowly and hops out of the car, eyes bugging out.
“Sparrow! Ian…” She comes to a screeching halt in front of us, not knowing what to do with herself.
I step up and hug her. “Hey! Ian and I were on the same flight!” I say in an obnoxiously chipper voice.
Ian laughs. “Hi, Tessa. Great to see you. I hear you and Jared are sealing the deal.” He leans down and hugs her. “Congratulations.”
She smiles up at him, momentarily struck by his beauty. I know that look on her face. “Hi,” she whispers.
I give her arm a little nudge to shake her out of her stupor. She snaps out of it and gives him a glare. I didn’t mean for her to go that far with it, just to close her mouth a little bit.
“Yes. Yes, we are doing it,” Tessa says and then she blushes, which might be a first for her.
My eyes meet Ian’s and we laugh softly.
“Do you need a ride?” Tessa asks Ian and then hurriedly looks at me like she’s kicking herself.
“I was, uh—well, I’ll be going back in to rent a car. I just wanted to walk Sparrow out,” he looks at me sheepishly. “I know you have things to do for the wedding, but if you want to get together, even for a few minutes, please … call me.” He holds up his cell phone and waves it. “Or I’ll be checked in under Ian Sterling,” he says mischievously.
“Maybe we’ll run into each other then—you know—sign from heaven and all,” I say with a slight bite.
He takes my hand and kisses it. “I will be looking around every corner, nook, and crevice, then,” he promises. “Sparrow,” he takes a breath before continuing, “4A and 4B … think about how crazy that is. Just … think about it. Maybe the heavens really did stop and orchestrate this whole thing, just maybe.”
He watches as I get in the car and when we turn the corner, I look back and he’s still standing there, watching as we drive away.
“What the hell?” Tessa jumps right in. “Start from the beginning.”
“I thin
k I’m still in shock. I’ve just spent the last hour with Ian—it was like no time had passed. He told me he still loves me. Oh, and he’s broken up with his girlfriend.” The snark creeps up in my voice with that statement.
“Are you gonna see him this week?”
“He’s staying at our hotel, Tessa!”
She turns to look at me quickly and then tones down her expression when she sees my face. “It’s a big place. It’s possible you won’t even run into him.”
“Yeah … not really going to count on that with the way this day has gone.”
“Do you think—um, what if this really is, you know, a sign or something?” she asks.
“I gave up believing in signs a long time ago, Tess.” I look out the window. To hear myself say it, I almost believe it.
“You know I wanted to kill him when it all came out. I still do. But, all those letters, all that time … I really do believe he loved you, Sparrow. And if he’s saying he still does, even though so much time has passed since you’ve even seen him—I just think you might need to think about it. Hear him out. I know you still love him. I knew it before I saw the two of you looking all mushy-eyed at each other, but that did make it even clearer!” She laughs and then sobers up quickly when she sees me staring at her. “Ro, don’t take this the wrong way … I know you’re the one who was hurt and you’ve suffered and I am SO angry at him for that! What if, though—what if maybe he’s suffered enough now?” She says it so softly and with a guilty expression. She’s biting her lip, waiting for my reaction.
I don’t say anything. I need to think. My head is too foggy.
Finally, I say, “It’s never been about making him suffer or even about my pride, although that certainly took a nosedive a long time ago.”
“What does it come down to then? Now, after all this time, what does it come down to?”
I think about it for a while. “It’s about trust. I don’t think I could ever trust him.”
“Do you believe he’s changed?”
When I’ve thought about it over the weeks and months and years, I’ve hated to admit to myself that I do—I do believe he changed. I don’t know if it was once he decided to end it for good with Laila. Or if it was when I found out the truth. Either way, I have believed for a long time now that he really did change. Part of me figured I made him healthy for someone else.
I heave a huge sigh. “Enough with the heavy talk. Yes, I do think he’s changed. I still don’t know what to do with that. This is your week, Tessa. I want it to be all about you, not my insane life.”
“It’s been about me for a long time,” Tessa says. “You have been with me through my whole relationship with Jared, helped me plan the most spectacular wedding ever, even though you live across the country, you’ve listened to me ramble on the phone about how great my life is when you’re miserable. I think it’s your turn now.”
I reach over and squeeze her arm. “I love you, Tessa. And I love all your rambles.” We both laugh then and the air feels lighter.
When we get checked into our room, Tessa bounces on the bed and says, “You know what? We really don’t have to do anything the next few days but have fun! Everything has already been done or has been handed over to someone else.”
“I thought we had all kinds of work to do!” I playfully toss the pillow at her. “So what are we gonna do with ourselves?”
“Well, I have a spa day scheduled for us tomorrow,” she says proudly.
“Yay!” I plop down on the bed.
“A few special dinners here and there and COCK-tails.” She’s always loved to emphasize the ‘cock’ for the sheer purpose of tormenting me.
“I like a little cock with my tail,” I say, giggling. “Or a lot of cock, I should say.”
Tessa goes red. “SPARROW!”
“What? I’m not allowed to say that?”
“No! No, you’re not!” She looks mortified.
I laugh until I hurt. “I give up! I guess I can’t say ‘fuck it all’ either then, right?”
Tessa pulls me back on the bed, covering my mouth and tickling my side. “Give me my Ro back! What have you done with her?” she shouts.
“Fuckshitassdamnhellfuckcrapcrapcrap!” I yell at her.
“I think I’m not the one you need to be saying that to!” she yells back.
We laugh until we cry and then hug until we’re laughing again.
We get ready for a late supper and go down to the lobby when Jared arrives. When we get off the elevator, I shouldn’t be surprised to see Ian and Jared in conversation, but I am. I feel like I did the time I fell out of a tree and got the wind knocked out of me. Ian turns just as we get near him and his eyes are shining so bright they’re like two lit sparklers. I hadn’t exactly forgotten how beautiful he was, but I really think he might be even more so now.
His eyes slowly scorch over me, taking in every curve, every inch of my body, like he’s remembering all the ways he used to love it. Heat rushes through me, and I curse my splotchy, traitorous self for ever being born.
“Sparrow,” his voice comes out in a husky rasp, “you couldn’t possibly be any more gorgeous. You …” he shakes his head and pulls on his lips in that nervous gesture that always gave him away. “God, you make my insides shake.” He laughs and then he realizes he has an audience. “Sorry, that was probably way more than any of you needed to know.” He looks at Jared and Tessa who are staring at him with slack jaws. “Sparrow here turned me into a “feely man” when she exposed my dark side. I used to be so stoic and mysterious, and now I spew things like ‘God, you make my insides shake.’” Ian looks around and laughs awkwardly and now my jaw is hanging open too.
Jared, bless him, takes that opportunity to hug me and says, “Well, she’d make anyone’s insides shake in this dress!” He looks at Tessa apologetically as he says it, and she beams at him. She knows he’s only trying to diffuse the situation.
“You’re so perfect for Tessa,” I whisper in his ear.
He looks at me gratefully and smiles.
“So uh, I guess you’re all leaving for dinner?” Ian asks and my heart goes out to him. I don’t know why, but I just can’t leave him standing here looking so alone.
“Yes?” Jared and Tessa both look at me, unsure of what to do next.
Ian smiles sadly. “Have a great night.” He does a mini bow and wave and begins to back up.
“You’re welcome to join us, if you’d like,” I say. And then I clamp my mouth shut in disbelief. I can’t take this mouth anywhere, it seems.
He stops immediately. “Yes! Yes, I would love to. Are you sure, Little Bird?”
“Yes.” I divert my eyes because he’s staring me down like he wants to devour me. I can’t take the intensity.
Over supper we have a surprisingly calm, enjoyable time. Sprinkled throughout all the other topics we cover, I find out that Ian has started a center for troubled teens and spends a lot of time with them. As if I needed to hear something that heartwarming about him. He doesn’t drop it into conversation for my benefit either; in fact, throughout the night, he evades being the center of attention at all costs. When Tessa finally gets pushy to find out where Ian Sterling has been spending so much of his time, we get a couple reluctant answers out of him. The teen center is one; the fact that he’s still writing songs like a madman is another.
He wants to know all about how things have gone with my book. He read it, even though he isn’t really a big reader, and thought it was brilliant. I don’t let it go to my head since he doesn’t really read much, but I must say that the fact that he’s a writer does make it flattering.
All evening, he devours everything I say. I don’t say much because I have become a nervous stuttering mess, but even when I’m listening, he’s watching for my reaction and gauging my thoughts. He knows me so well. I just know that he does.
When we reach the hotel, Jared walks Tessa up to the room, and I linger with Ian to give them a minute alone. At least, that’s what I tell mys
elf.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” he asks.
“Tessa has a spa day planned for us.” I twist my fingers together as I say it. My hands itch to touch him, so I have to keep them busy.
“Tomorrow night? I will be with Elliot tomorrow, but can work around whatever your plans are,” he says.
“We’ll see. I don’t know yet what’s happening tomorrow night.”
“Okay,” he says with a smile. “Thank you for tonight. It meant … everything to me.” He reaches out to touch my cheek, and I don’t pull away.
One facial, massage, pedicure, manicure, a blowout, and three glasses of champagne later, I feel like a new woman. After a whole day of pampering, I was concerned that all I’d want to do is go to bed afterwards, but I feel good.
“We need to go dancing while we’re looking this hot,” Tessa says. “Jared said we should just have girl time, but I told him he didn’t need to miss seeing me like this. Even if he only dances for a few minutes, he needs to see my HAIR!” She laughs and gives her head a toss. She’s feeling a little champagne happy herself.
I do a snort laugh at her—she always brings them out of me—and zip up the back of my dress.
Tessa goes still when she sees me. “Oh no. No, no, no. You better hope we don’t run into Sterling tonight. He will be on you,” she sings the last two words and then giggles at herself. She shakes her head, still laughing as we walk out of the door.
We sit in the lounge as we wait for Jared, and of course, there he is. This time he’s with another man—I think it might be J. Elliot, but I’m not positive. Ian sees me right away, and I see him gesture to the man to follow him. They’re in front of us within moments.
“Sparrow Fisher, it’s sinful to have a body like that,” Ian says with a smirk. “You sure know how to fill out a dress.”
“Is that supposed to be a compliment?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.
“Hell, yes.” He laughs. “You know it is. Sparrow, meet J. Elliot. J, I’d like you to meet Sparrow Fisher, the love of my life.”