Wish I could see you for Christmas.
Jesse
MELINDA’S DIARY
October 22
I’m sad tonight. Bailey let it drop that Jesse is going to a dance with some girl named Beth from his school. B. acted all embarrassed once she’d spilled the news. She said she was sorry, that she’d never meant for me to know. I’m not sure if I’m mad at her or not. It hurt because my feelings for Jesse are mixed up. But it’s not fair for me to expect him never to look at another girl. Unrealistic too. He’s more than a thousand miles from here. I guess I’m lucky he still thinks of me at all.
It would have been better if he’d never kissed me. I wish B. had kept her big mouth shut.
MELINDA’S DIARY
November 15
Jesse’s never said a word about the dance or the girl he took. I’ve pumped Bailey, but she swears he’s never mentioned it to her in his e-mails either. She said she even asked, but he didn’t answer. I asked her why they’re e-mailing each other in the first place, and she said it’s because she feels like they have a lot in common—me, of course, but also divorced parents. She says I can never understand what it’s like to feel rejected and unwanted by a parent—which is different from Jesse’s situation because both his parents want him. Still, Bailey thinks they’re “kindred spirits.”
Yikes! What’s wrong with me? B. is my friend. And so is Jesse. The real problem is this girl, Beth. I wonder, is she pretty? Is she sexy? Whatever she is, I’m sure she doesn’t have cancer. I’m so mixed up. I wish B. had never told me about Beth and Jesse! What was she thinking?
December 15
Chemo’s over. I feel like a person let out of prison. They removed the shunt too and I’m sure not going to miss THAT sucker! I’m learning so much with Ms. Blackbird. She’s worked individually with me and says I’m inspiring. She says I should audition for the Denver ballet group when I’m sixteen because they take young dancers for summer internships. I can’t believe it! She thinks I’m good enough to become a part of her company’s dance corps! Of course, if I’m accepted (fat chance!) and can really join a troupe full-time after graduation, I’ll have to forgo college … at least for a while. I don’t know how Mom and Dad would take the news. I know they have a college fund for me, and Grandma left me a chunk for college too. But dance supersedes college in my book! I won’t be able to dance forever and I can always go to college.
Our Christmas performance will be at the Fox Theater Friday night. I’ve been dancing in The Nutcracker since I was a kid, but I’m more excited about this one than I’ve ever been about others. Dad says we can buy a copy of the tape PBS is shooting of the performance and we’ll send it to Jesse for a Christmas present. I wonder if he’ll care (now that Beth is in the picture).
TO: Bailey
Subject: Third Degree
Why do you keep asking about Beth in your e-mails? There is NO me and Beth. I took her to a dance because she asked me to. I have no plans to date her. She’s OK, but not right for me. Please don’t ever tell Melinda about Beth. I don’t want her to think any girl means more to me than she does. And that’s the truth. Thanks for keeping my secret (which I never should have dumped on you).
Jesse
MELINDA’S DIARY
December 20
I spent the evening consoling Bailey because Kerry broke up with her. He’s such a RAT! He dumped her right before Christmas—probably because he’s too cheap to buy her a gift! I reminded her that he’d done the same thing to Allison and she’s pregnant! I think B. knows deep down she’s better off without him. According to B. he was making too many demands on her anyway. I can guess what “demands” she means too.
It’s hard for her, though, because she’s the kind of girl who always thinks she needs a guy. I’ve never been able to figure out why. She’s a great person, fun to be with, always ready to do anything for a friend. I wish she could see herself through my eyes.
I realize she’s a little bit of a drama queen too. She tends to blow everything way out of proportion until it takes on gigantic importance. Good thing she wasn’t the one who got leukemia. How would she have coped with that?
“Merry Christmas, Melinda.” “Jesse? Is this really you?” “No … it’s my evil twin. Just kidding.… How are you?”
“I—I’m fine. And you?”
“Fine. Listen, I called to thank you for the tape. And the Braves shirt. They’re both perfect.”
“You’re welcome.… Thanks for the rose pendant. I’m wearing it now.”
“I’m glad you like it. The tape is my favorite thing. You look so … so real. I’ve replayed the Chinese dance part so many times I can hum the music in my sleep.”
“Tchaikovsky would be pleased to know that.”
“You, um … looked beautiful. Even prettier than that famous ballerina you like so much.”
“I don’t think so, but thanks for saying it. So … what did you get for Christmas?”
“My father sent a video camera. Said that if I won’t come to him, then the least I can do is send tapes of my day-to-day life. It’s a pretty good idea, actually. I can send you tapes too.”
“Would you?”
“I’ve taped our apartment and me and Mom opening presents this morning.”
“How’s your mom? We didn’t get a Christmas letter from her this year.”
“She’s all right. Wrung out because she’s taking an extra course this term. So tell me, is everything still okay with you?”
“I guess so. My latest blood counts were normal. I’m going back to school in January. You know—back into the classroom. I’m excited, but sort of scared about it too.”
“Why?”
“I’ve been out ever since last May. Everybody’s so far ahead of me. Not with studies and class work, but with friends and cliques and all the social stuff. Know what I mean?”
“Bailey’s there. She’ll make sure you fit right in, won’t she?”
“She’ll help, but I may be a total social retard. I’ll have to see how the kids treat me.”
“You didn’t plan on getting cancer. They should be nice to you.”
“We’ll see, won’t we?”
When Jesse and I talked, I really wanted to ask him about Beth.
You didn’t, did you!?!
No. I bailed. Lost my nerve.
Whew! So glad you didn’t, because I wasn’t supposed to tell you about her. If he finds out I did, he’ll never tell me anything again!
Then I’m doubly glad I didn’t. He tells you things he doesn’t tell me. It hurts my feelings.
Back up, girlfriend. Why would he tell you about another girl? Poor strategy.
Do you think he really likes Beth but is only being nice to me for old time’s sake?
NO WAY!!! He’s not a jerk like Kerry who’s telling everybody that he and I did IT (which is a total lie, if anyone says anything to you. Sure he pressured me, but I held him off and now am I ever glad I did!). I can’t wait until high school. Maybe the guys will be more mature.
News flash, Bailey … you’ve already dated high school guys and didn’t like the way they treated you.
So maybe I won’t date anybody. Most guys are jerks anyway.
Bailey without a boyfriend? I won’t believe it until I see it. Not to change the subject (OK, changing the subject), want to come over New Year’s Eve and stay up with me and watch the ball drop in Times Square on TV? I’m going to call Jesse and say happy New Year at midnight. You can wish him the same thing.
New Year’s Eve sounds fine. Patti’s having a party, but I don’t want to go because Kerry’s going to be there with his new airhead girlfriend. Who wants to be subjected to seeing them do the kissy-face thing all night long? Not me! And yes, I’d like wishing Jesse happy New Year. You know, he may be the only nice guy left on the planet.
Bring brownies, the ones you bake with th
e M&M’s in them. I’ll cover the popcorn and soda. We’ll have fun. And Jesse will be so surprised. Yikes! I just thought of something. What if he’s at a party with Beth?
Then he’ll hate himself because he wasn’t home when you called. Trust me.
December 30
My Confession
I am pond scum. Puppy piddle. Turtle turds and beetle dung. And every other nasty thing I can think of! Why am I all of these loathsome things? Because I’ve fallen in love with Jesse Rose. And the only reason I’m writing it down is that there’s no one I can tell. Especially my best friend in the whole entire world, Melinda. And if I don’t tell someone, I’m going to burst. So this piece of notebook paper becomes my “confessor” and the keeper of my awful secret.
Jesse treats Melinda like she’s a queen. I want a guy to treat me the same way. But no boy does. Things start out good between us, but once we get used to each other and the goo-goo feelings fade, we drift apart. Most of the time, I get pressured to do things I don’t want to do with the guy. If I don’t cave, he walks. That’s the way it was with Kerry.
Except I did let him go a little too far (not all the way, but almost!). So now he’s spreading rumors, and there’s nothing I can do, because kids at school want to believe
him—Mr. Cool Jock. Now other guys are asking me out
because they think I’m easy—which I’m NOT!
I never want Melinda to know any of this. Especially how I feel about Jesse. What kind of friend wants her best friend’s guy? Especially a best friend who’s sick with a terrible disease? Also, I know the truth about Jesse and Beth (that Beth is nothing to him) and I don’t tell Melinda. Still I let Melinda think the worst.
See how worthless I am? I hate me. But not enough to stop loving Jesse.
Signed,
Bailey Taylor
Prisoner of Dark Secrets
P.S. I feel better after writing this. Tomorrow night I’ll hear Jesse’s voice on the phone. It’ll break my heart because I know he only cares for Melinda, but I want to hear him so much. Love hurts. Oh yeah … it hurts big-time.
MELINDA’S DIARY
January 3
Returned to school today. Scared, but happy to be back. I’d forgotten how loud the halls can be after all the time I’ve spent alone at home. I stood at my locker and soaked up the atmosphere like a sponge. Some kid almost ran into me and I nearly panicked because I sure don’t want to get injured and end up back in the hospital. I’ve had enough of hospitals to last me the rest of my life!
In homeroom, everybody was friendly, but I knew they were talking about me. “She’s the girl with cancer,” a girl whispered (loud enough for me to hear). “Is she bald?” “Is she wearing a wig?” others asked. I wanted to yell “No,” but I wasn’t supposed to hear them, so I kept my mouth shut and kept smiling. Don’t they know it hurts to be talked about? What’s wrong with people anyway?
Mom got permission from the superintendent of schools for me to carry a pager at school. If I ever get sick, I can page her and she can come get me. But I won’t use it because it’s so lame, and besides, it makes me feel even more like an outsider. I ate lunch with Bailey (lucky we have the same schedule!) and got eyeballed by the football players. Bailey says that they’re shunning her. Why is Kerry being so mean to her? I’m glad I know someone like Jesse, who’s never been mean to me.
P.S. I think he’s over Beth, because on New Year’s Eve, he said he was sitting alone by the phone wishing he could hear my voice. If Beth were really important to him, he’d have been with her. That’s what I think, anyway.
February 14
Jesse is so cute and original! He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for my desk for Valentine’s Day. My desktop on my computer, that is. His virtual roses arrived in this morning’s e-mail and I’ve had them up and running since I got home from school. I can change their color and their size whenever I want. I put them right in the middle of my screen and every time I look at them, I smile. He makes me so happy!
February 14
Dear Self,
This is the first Valentine’s Day that I haven’t had a boyfriend since I can remember. No matter. Jesse’s the only boy I like. And I know he’ll never like me in the same way.
Maybe I’ll become a nun.
(Sister) Bailey
May 23
Dear Lenny and Elana,
No, you’re not seeing things. There really is a graduation announcement enclosed in this envelope. Isn’t it beautiful? I never thought this day would come, but I graduate from the Santa Cruz College School of Education on Friday. I can hardly believe it myself! I’ve even impressed Jesse—which is a hard thing for the mother of a teenage boy to do, don’t you know! I only wish you all could attend the ceremony and share my happiness.
Now comes the challenge of finding a job. I’ve sent out résumés to high schools throughout the area and already have four interviews scheduled. Jesse wants us to return to Atlanta, of course. Naturally, I know why. He’s still smitten with Melinda, even after all these years. Goodness knows I’ve tried to make a life for the two of us here, but he still yearns for what he can’t have. I’ve told him that he can apply to any college he wants, and frankly his grades are good enough that I know he’ll qualify for scholarship money somewhere. He tells me he wants to study medicine. Can you imagine? My son, the doctor!
Thank you for your encouragement over the years. Friends like you are few and far between.
Ann
TO: Melinda
Subject: Summer Vacation
There’s no getting out of it. I have to spend most of the summer with my dad in New York. Mom and I had a fight about it, but she says her hands are tied, there’s nothing she can do to keep me from having to go. She says I have to do what he says until I’m eighteen. It sucks.
Jesse
I was online when your e-mail arrived, so don’t go away.
Hey! Why are you up so late?
Term paper due tomorrow and I’m behind. I’m feeling tired and I crash as soon as I get home instead of getting right to my work. ’Nuff about me. Sorry about your messed-up summer, but you just might have a good time. It wasn’t nearly as bad as you thought it would be last time you went. Remember?
But I only had to stay a few weeks last time. This is for the whole summer. What will you be doing?
Dad surprised me and Mom with plans for a six-week vacation to Europe. We leave on June 11. I was planning on taking extra dance classes this summer (since I missed out on Washington this year), but that’s out now. I’ve always wanted to see Europe. Of course, I thought it would be with a dance troupe instead of with Mom and Dad, but Dad made me a promise when I was in the hospital.
Your dad’s the best! Will you have e-mail?
Yes … Dad’s taking his laptop. Give me your New York snail mail and e-mail addresses, and I’ll keep in touch. Well, I’ve got to get back to my paper, but it’s been really nice talking to you.
It sure has! I wish I could see you this summer. Even though my visit last summer wasn’t under the best conditions, at least I got to see you. Just wait until I’m eighteen … I’m moving to Atlanta.
I’ll hold you to that!
June 25
Hello, dear Melinda. I hope this finds you well and happy. I am writing you this brief note because I wanted to tell you that I have spoken to our director, Jeremy McAllister, about your considerable talent. He is most curious to see your audition videos, so when you can, please send your tape to the address on the front of this envelope, to my attention. I will see to it that Jeremy views it immediately. Who knows, perhaps he will offer you a summer apprenticeship!
As you well know, the world of ballet is most competitive, and with companies folding continually for lack of funding, spots in a good company are difficult to earn. However, I do believe you have a chance of achieving your goals. Work hard this summer, and I’ll look fo
r your package for Jeremy.
Ciao,
Natalie Blackbird
Dear Jesse,
Paris is awesome. So far, we’ve visited the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Arc de Triomphe, lots of shops and two art museums—the Musée du Louvre and Musée d’Orsay. Just walking through the galleries made me feel a part of history. When I saw the Mona Lisa, I got goose bumps, but when I saw some of the original Degas ballerina series, I cried. The paintings seem to glow and the dancers look as if they might stand or turn or smile at any moment. I was surrounded by the ghosts of greatness and long-dead images of once-living people. It was eerie.
M
Hey Bailey,
You would absolutely LOVE Paris! A paradise for a fashion diva like you. The teens are très chic like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I look so totally frumpy by comparison. Biggest turnoff for me is that they all smoke. I’m not kidding; kids 11 and 12 years old stand at bus stops with cigarettes, puffing away. Ugh. And little motor scooters dart around with girls holding on to some guy who’s driving. No helmet laws either. I bought you a present at the cutest little boutique (the salesgirl said Madonna shops there). You must come to Paris someday (maybe to visit me when I dance here one day in the future!).
Hugs, M
Jesse,
Arrived in Madrid yesterday. Today it rained and we spent the day at the Prado. More art treasures to see. I guess this might be boring to most American teens, but not to me. Dragging around with my parents can be a bore—honestly, they are so CONSTANT—but still I’m having a good time. It would be more fun if you and Bailey were along on the trip, but I can’t have everything. Hope you’re surviving your stay in New York.
M
P.S. Will try for e-mail hookup 8 P.M., July 4 (six-hour time difference should catch you at 2 P.M.).