She plops down on the couch and rubs her face. The soft glow of the streetlights outside slip through the curtains and illuminate her face. Her hair is matted and there’s dirt all over her face. I don’t know where she’s been but from the looks of her, she’s been living hard outside somewhere. Leaves cling to the flannel shirt she’s wearing, and her blue eyes appear lost and tired.
She blinks slowly a few times before she pivots on the couch and makes eye contact with me.
“Xavier? Baby, why are you sleeping on the floor?” she questions with a slight gravel in her voice, like she’s nearly lost her voice.
I clutch the blanket against my chest. “Grandmother told me to sleep here until you got home.”
She raises her hand slowly like it’s taking a lot of effort and then pats the cushion next to her. “That’s silly. You come up here and sleep with me.”
“Mama, I’m eight now. I’m big. We won’t both fit,” I say, wishing that we could.
“Don’t be silly,” she says in that dreamy tone she always has when she’s high. “Come snuggle with your mama. I’ve missed you.”
I push my body up and drag my blanket along with me. I sit next to my mother before she pulls me down with her as she covers us up with the blanket. She smells of vomit, body odor, and cigarette smoke, but I don’t care. She’s my safe haven, and the only person in this world I love.
“Xavier, promise me you’ll always be at this house. I want to always be able to find you here,” Mama whispers as she strokes my hair.
I close my eyes, relishing in the moment. “I’ll wait here forever for you, Mama.”
She pats my head. “That’s my good boy. I love you.”
For the first time in a long time, I feel peace wash over me. Maybe tomorrow will be the day she decides to stop living life on the edge and clean herself up.
Nothing would be better than that.
Sleep comes easy because tonight, unlike most nights, I’m completely relaxed, feeling safe in her arms.
I don’t move an inch all night, and the sound of birds chirping outside wakes me. For a moment I forget where I am. I’m not used to sleeping on something soft—my bed is always on the floor—and I don’t remember sleeping with something cold beside me.
My eyes pop open, and my breath catches in my chest as I find myself still wrapped in my mama’s arms.
Her cold, lifeless arms.
I freeze and panic engulfs me.
“No. No. No.” I shake my head and nudge her. “Mama? Mama, please!”
If Grandmother finds out that I allowed this to happen to her, she’ll kill me.
I sit up and shake her. “Come on, wake up.”
My mind flashes to something I saw on television once, and I quickly press my lips to her chilled ones. I blow a puff of air into her mouth, but nothing seems to be happening, so I try again.
Tears flow down my cheeks.
This can’t be real. The one person I love in this world can’t be gone.
I refuse to give up. I’ll keep putting air into her as long as it takes.
The next thing I know I’m being jerked back by the hair on my head.
“Get back, you little beast! Look what you’ve done!” Grandmother wails.
She falls to her knees beside the couch and throws herself across mama’s body and sobs. “Gina. My sweet, Gina. Why did you allow a demon inside you?”
I attempt to slink off the couch. Maybe if I can hide somewhere good, she won’t hit me today.
The cushion underneath me moves a bit and the couch creaks. Grandmother’s eyes flash to me, and they narrow instantly.
“You! You did this to my baby!”
For an older woman she’s fast. She jumps to her feet and wraps her hands around my neck, squeezing hard.
I gasp for air, but everything around me begins fading in and out of view.
“If she’d never loved you, she’d still be alive. You ruined her life. You’re the one who should be dead. Not her! Not my Gina!” she shrieks and tightens her grip.
The darkness flows over my eyes, and for the first time, I welcome death.
Hands shake me vigorously. “Xavier, wake up. Please. You’re scaring me.”
My eyes open at the sound of Anna’s sweet voice, and I scramble back against the headboard of the bed to get away from her touch. My chest heaves as I stare at her with wide eyes.
Dreams like that are so fucking real. They take me right back to the place in my life I try so desperately to shut out.
Sweat rolls down my chest and onto the sheet wrapped around my body. I need to get my mind off this shit. I have to forget.
I jump off the bed and fall to the floor on my stomach. I begin doing push-ups as fast as I can, needing the burn. I wish Anna wasn’t here to see this. I don’t need her to know how weak I am inside—how broken I am.
Just like before, she sits next to me on the floor and watches me. After a few moments her hand reaches out to mine in an attempt to comfort me.
I close my eyes. That little bit of contact with her feels so good.
“Will you talk to me about what happens when you’re like this?” she asks, her voice soft.
I keep working. How can I tell her the man that she loves is bad news?
When I don’t answer, she tries again. “Please, Xavier. You can trust me.”
The sincerity in her voice makes me want to tell her. I’ve never talked about my childhood with anyone. It’s too hard.
“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together. Let me in. I want to know all of you—good and bad.” She’s on her knees beside me now, wrapping her arms around my shoulders, attempting to calm me down.
I lie down on the ground so I don’t hurt her by accident, and she rests her chest against my back.
She smoothes my hair back and kisses the side of my head.
“I’m here to listen.”
I nod, not knowing what else to say to her.
“Do you want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”
I take a deep breath and stare straight ahead at the nightstand in front of me. “My mother died with her arms around me, and sometimes my nightmares take me back there.”
She’s quiet, allowing me to take as much time as I need. I still can’t look at her though. I don’t want to risk seeing pity in her eyes.
I debate ending my story there, but there’s a pressure in my chest, and for some crazy reason it feels like everything I’ve ever bottled up is fighting to climb out of me. Maybe Anna should know everything about me. She’s the first person who’s loved me since my mother. She needs to know what she’s in for.
“My mother was a drug addict. It was just her and me until her addiction became the main focus of her life. We were evicted from our apartment when I was eight. Mom ended up loving drugs more than anything else, and we lost everything.”
Anna squeezes my shoulders in encouragement but remains quiet.
I lick my dry lips and taste the salt on my upper lip that still lingers from my vigorous workout. “We moved in with my grandmother a few months before Mom died. My grandmother was a religious woman, but she was filled with so much rage toward me. She was convinced I was an evil seed, planted in her daughter, making her an addict. The blame was always placed on me and she took it out on me, physically. My mother’s love for her demon seed is what ruined her life, because she refused to give me up.”
I shake my head and bite back the emotion I feel creeping up on me. “That’s why I can’t love you back, Anna. My love will destroy you.”
Anna leans in and kisses my cheek. “You know that’s not true, right. No child is to blame for their parent’s sins, and what happened with your mom, that’ll never happen between us.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I whisper. “It would kill me if I did.”
She lies down beside me and gazes up at me, and for the first time in a long time I feel safe again—safe, because this amazing woman loves me.
“It will kill me if I don’t get t
he chance to love you,” she says as she strokes my face. “I love you, Xavier. We can make this work. We can fight our demons together. You don’t have to be afraid of what we feel for one another.”
I close my eyes and lean into her touch. “I’ll try.”
I’m sure that’s not the answer she was looking for, but it’s the best I can give until I can wrap my head around this and make sure I can keep her safe from those demons.
Even if the demon she needs protection from is me.
Chapter 20
The third time backstage is a little easier, and I’m beginning to learn the ropes here quickly, just like I did at Larry’s. There are people back here who are best to avoid, while others, like Liv, are an absolute joy to be around.
In the catering room, I find myself sitting next to Liv and Kami. The other women stay clear of the two of us, like they have the past couple of times I’ve been in here.
Deena curls her lip in disgust at me as she passes by our table. I have the feeling as long as I’m with Xavier, she’s going to hold a grudge against me.
“She’s a treat, isn’t she?” Liv says next to me. “She’s just like the rest of them over there—conceited and stuck on their own appearances. That, and how much money their man spends on them.”
I shake my head. “That’s so superficial.”
Liv smiles. “That’s why I like you, Anna. You’re nothing like them. I have a feeling that’s how X feels too. The good ones get tired of that type sooner or later and look for quality.”
The mention of Xavier’s name makes me smile. Ever since he opened up to me the other night, I feel like we’ve grown so much closer. He’s yet to tell me he loves me back, but he seems to enjoy when I tell him how I feel about him, and that’s okay. After what he’s gone through, I’m amazed at the man he’s become today. Most people aren’t strong enough to overcome a past like that, and it gets the best of them, dragging them to low places they can never pull themselves out of.
I’m glad he trusts me enough to tell me what he went through. I firmly believe talking about things in your past is the first step to healing.
My cell buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out to see Quinn’s name flash across my screen. “Sorry, Liv. I have to take this.”
I stand and walk into the hallway for some privacy. “Hello.”
“Hey, hot mama! I saw you on television the other night. You looked great. How’s things going?” Quinn asks.
“Good.” I sigh. “Xavier has worked it out so I get to go out to the ring with him every time he has a match.” I pause and think about how much I could use her with me here. I need her guidance. “I miss you, already.”
“Aww, I miss you too, but I’m so happy you’re out in the world, living your own life.”
I shove my hair back from my face. “My father came here, demanding that I go back to Portland with him.”
She gasps. “He didn’t? I take it you told him no? How’d that go?”
“It was intense. Father grabbed me, and Xavier shoved his hand away. I was worried for a minute for my father because Xavier can get crazy when he’s angry.”
“Girl, I know that’s the truth. Uncle Simon should know better than to try and lay his hands on you with your bodyguard around.”
I pick at my nails as I lean against the wall. “He knows now, I think. He left without much of a fight.”
“Honey, I know he’s your dad, but I have to say, I think you’re better off away from him. He’s too controlling. I don’t know why he always focuses on you and says nothing to your little brother.”
“Armando does everything he should. He does exactly what Father wants without question—I did too when I was his age. Once he gets out of high school, I think things will change for him.”
“Agreed,” she says. “You know, Anna, speaking of change, I have major news for you.”
I raise my eyebrows, completely curious as to what she’s itching to get out. “Oh? Do tell.”
“You’ll never guess who Andy fired last night…”
I stand a little straighter as I ask, “Who?”
“Alice,” she says with a snicker.
My eyes widen. “No way! Why?”
“Andy’s inventory was off on a lot of things. Apparently Alice was helping herself to bottles of liquor whenever she felt the need to take one home with her. Andy installed a surveillance system when none of us were in the restaurant because at first he didn’t know who was doing it, but then he saw Alice stealing, clear as day.”
Quinn takes a deep breath and sighs happily into the phone like Alice getting canned is the best news ever. “Andy says he knows now that it was probably Alice who took the money out of your apron pocket, and he wants you to know he’s sorry.”
Karma has a way of coming around and making everything right in the world. Alice is a cruel person, and I’m elated that her wicked ways caught up with her. Too bad it didn’t happen before I got fired for something she did. But, hindsight is twenty-twenty. If I hadn’t lost my job, I would never have taken Xavier up on his offer, and we wouldn’t be where we are now, working on our relationship.
“Tell him I accept his apology, but things happen for a reason. I’m happy where I’m at,” I tell her honestly.
“I’m glad things are going well for you.”
“Me too.” A thought crosses my mind. “How are things with you and Brock?”
“Well…” she giggles. “That’s actually the other thing I wanted to tell you. Brock and I are getting married.”
My mouth drops. “Oh, my! Really?”
“Yes!” she squeals. “I can’t believe it. I know it’s crazy, but I love him and I know he’s the one.”
“Wow! Have you told Aunt Dee yet?”
“Ma met him a few days ago, and she adores him. He was so sweet to Ma, Anna. I feel really lucky to have found him.”
“That’s great, Quinn.”
A short man with a buzz cut wearing a Tuesday Tension shirt approaches me and whispers, “Anna, the writers need to see you.”
I cover the receiver on the phone. “Okay.”
I move my hand. “Quinn, I have to go. We’ll talk soon.”
“Love you, Anna. Have fun with Mr. Sexy.”
I giggle and shake my head as I tell her goodbye.
I turn toward the man. “Lead the way.”
I follow behind him, unsure of what the writers could possibly want from me. It doesn’t seem like standing ringside to support Xavier requires too much guidance, but I’m sure this is just protocol. I know Xavier meets with them before every show, so I’m sure it’s nothing.
He leads me to a room and opens the door. “They’re waiting for you.”
“Thanks,” I say as I step inside.
The room has two large folding tables pushed against each other with four laptops set atop them. Three men and one woman type furiously, and I go completely unnoticed by them. I scan the rest of the room, unsure of who I’m here to see. My gaze flicks into the corner, and I take a step back.
Rex sits with a smirk on his face and pats the empty chair next to him. “Saved you a seat, Princess.”
The female writer looks up from her computer. “Hi, Anna, have a seat. We’ll be with you in just a moment.”
I do as requested, but I choose the seat on the other side of the empty one next to Rex. My entire body stiffens, every inch of me on edge. I don’t like having him so close, especially without Xavier knowing where I am.
The female writer finally spins around in her chair and faces me. She’s pretty, in that librarian kind of way, her dark hair pulled back in a low-set bun and her glasses resting low on the bridge of her nose.
The kind smile on her face relaxes me a bit. “Anna, I’m Vicky, the head writer of Tension. I wanted to meet with you to go over a couple of ideas I have for your character.”
I furrow my brow. “My character?”
“Yes, dear. Now that you’re a full-fledged member of our crew we’ve written a story
line for you. Your stage name is Anna Sweets, and you are Phenomenal X’s love girlfriend.”
I smile. I like that title. It’s fitting considering we’re official now. “Sounds good. Is that all?”
Vicky shakes her head. “You haven’t heard the best part yet. Rex approached me with an idea that will solidify the rivalry between him and Xavier. Something that will really get the fans involved.”
I readjust in my seat. Any idea of Rex’s cannot be good—especially when it involves Xavier. “So what’s the story?”
“You’re going to love this, Princess.” Rex winks at me, and my skin crawls.
“You are going to have an affair with Rex. It will drive Xavier into a jealous rage. Fans will love the intensity it brings,” Vicky says.
I shake my head. “No. No way will I agree to that.”
Vicky removes her glasses and carefully folds them before leveling her gaze on me. “You signed a contract, Anna, and this isn’t up for negotiation.”
I don’t like being backed into a corner.
“What if I refuse?”
“Then we fire you and escort you off the property. You won’t be allowed back into the vicinity at any of our shows.”
I attempt to clarify as my stomach clenches. “So, if I don’t agree to go along with this, I can no longer be backstage to support Xavier, in any manner?”
“Correct.”
I sigh and shove my hair back from my face. This will send Xavier over the edge, but what choice do I have? If I don’t go along with this, there’s no point of me being on the road with Xavier.
I hate it, but I don’t see any other way around it. Xavier will understand that it would all be an act, wouldn’t he. Wouldn’t it be worth it for me to be able to stay backstage with him?
I hope he sees it that way.
I stare at Vicky and do my best to pretend that Rex’s eyes aren’t boring into me. “I’ll do whatever you want, as long as Xavier gets to keep his job. He won’t allow all this to go down without a fight. I know him.”
Vicky smirks. “Mr. Cold doesn’t run things around here. If he tries to fight this, we’ll fire him. Everyone in this business is replaceable.”
“Including you?”