mad maddie:
the pops, however, has hit a new low
SnowAngel:
ooo, do tell
mad maddie:
ahem. he bought this self-hair-cutter thing, right? cuz he’s such a cheapskate that he didn’t wanna fork over 10 bucks at lloyd’s barbershop. and of course he decides that today, the day of donovan’s wedding, is the perfect day for a trim. so i get home to find dad in the bathroom, hair-cutter aloft, and as i walk to my room, i hear the buzzing begin. bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
SnowAngel:
what’d he do, give himself a mohawk?
mad maddie:
if only. so then the buzzing stops, and he goes, “oops.” “what happened?” i yell. and he says, “i put on the wrong attachment. huh. guess my hair will be a little shorter than usual.”
SnowAngel:
uh oh
mad maddie:
and then for some reason he starts asking if i have a safety pin or a needle or anything pokey. i think he was taking the whole thing apart. but no, i did not have anything pokey, so after a while he puts it back together and the buzzing starts again. and then it shuts off. and he starts LAUGHING.
SnowAngel:
oh crap. what happened?
mad maddie:
my idiot father forgot to put ANY attachment back on, which meant that when he started up again, he took off an entire strip of hair down to his scalp. as in, bald. and then once he’d done that, he figured there was nothing to do but complete the scalping.
mad maddie:
my father is a cue ball, angela.
SnowAngel:
oh no!
SnowAngel:
that cracks me up that he would laugh, tho. that’s so yr dad.
mad maddie:
he was all, “what? it’s just hair.” the moms is massively annoyed.
SnowAngel:
if my dad went bald on the day of a wedding, my mom would jump out a window. or push HIM out a window.
mad maddie:
ah, well. we’ll go to the reception and drink away our troubles, cuz that’s what my family does. shld be a good time.
SnowAngel:
that blows my mind that u can drink right there with them.
mad maddie:
it’s cuz we’re irish. it’s the law.
SnowAngel:
my parents would be like, “you are underage. go sit at the kiddie table.” but yours are like, “here, have another beer!”
mad maddie:
well, they won’t be the ones actually giving me beers. they’ll leave that to my crazy aunts and uncles. and it won’t be beer, it’ll be champagne.
SnowAngel:
la di da
mad maddie:
and before long uncle duncan will be ranting about the middle east and aunt teresa will be doing the line dance she learned in 8th grade to michael jackson’s “beat it.”
mad maddie:
i’m telling u, donovan’s fiancee has noooooo idea what she’s in for.
SnowAngel:
sounds fun
mad maddie:
it definitely won’t be boring
SnowAngel:
do u wish—even just a little—that u and ian were still going out, so he could go with u?
mad maddie:
not at all. ian is a fleck and i am a plane, high in the sky. that’s how over him i am.
SnowAngel:
swear?
mad maddie:
ok, maybe not a plane. maybe just a … telephone pole.
SnowAngel:
meaning what?
mad maddie:
meaning that maybe i do miss him, but what’s the point? if ian had wanted to come to donovan’s wedding with me, then he shouldn’t have broken up with me.
SnowAngel:
he didn’t break up with u. u broke up with him.
mad maddie:
but only cuz i knew that he was going to. he called me a ball and chain, if u don’t recall.
SnowAngel:
WHAT?!!
SnowAngel:
he did NOT call u a ball and chain. he made that ONE comment about wanting to hang out with his friends more, and u did your porcupine thing where u bristle up over nothing.
mad maddie:
there was more to it than that one comment. it was obvious i was cramping his style.
SnowAngel:
omg. only u wld interpret it like that.
SnowAngel:
it’s ok to have feelings, u know. it’s even ok to miss ian.
mad maddie:
thx, Dr. Phil.
SnowAngel:
he adored you, mads. or rather ADORES you, present tense. he would take you back in a heartbeat.
mad maddie:
well, that boat’s already sailed.
mad maddie:
nice of u to say, tho. yr so good to me.
SnowAngel:
yup, cuz i luv ya
SnowAngel:
anyway, who knows? maybe tonight you’ll meet someone new. maybe you’ll meet your future husband!
mad maddie:
or maybe NOT. i’m not looking for a husband, angela—sheesh!
SnowAngel:
u never know …
SnowAngel:
so zoe got that job at Kidding Around, did u hear?
mad maddie:
such a dorky name, Kidding Around. it’s like, “hiya, buddy, watcha up to?” “not much—just kidding around.” with everyone slugging each other on the shoulder.
SnowAngel:
cuz it’s a childcare place, for when parents don’t have a babysitter or whatever. KIDDING around. get it?
mad maddie:
der, angela. not getting it was never the problem.
mad maddie:
yikes, time to motor. old baldie’s calling my name.
SnowAngel:
have fun at the wedding! tell donovan congrats for me! OH, and you and zoe are both coming over tomorrow, ok? we’re having Sunday Afternoon Movie Madness.
mad maddie:
that sounds awesome—only not “Bridesmaids.” i know it’s supposed to be funny—and it is—but it’s oddly depressing too.
SnowAngel:
we will take a vote
mad maddie:
fine, we’ll take a vote
SnowAngel:
and my vote counts double since it’s my house. buh-bye!
Sat, Nov 20, 10:32 PM E.S.T.
mad maddie:
dude! future hubby alert!
SnowAngel:
for real???
mad maddie:
no. cute boy, tho. very very cute.
SnowAngel:
where r u? is the wedding over?
mad maddie:
reception. boy’s name = clive.
SnowAngel:
CLIVE?
mad maddie:
but i call him chive, cuz i is witty. friend of donovan.
SnowAngel:
cool—i wanna hear more! call me!
mad maddie:
can’t. lurking behind dessert table.
SnowAngel:
yr lurking behind the …?
SnowAngel:
maddie. go somewhere and call me, cuz guess what? i think i figged out why my parents are being so weird.
mad maddie:
spill
SnowAngel:
short version: when i told zoe, she was all, “maybe what they’re hiding is a GOOD thing, angela,” and i think maybe she’s right. i think they’re buying me a car!
mad maddie:
holy shit!
SnowAngel:
i know!!! they keep talking in these hush-hush quiet voices, and then they clam up whenever i come in the room. seriously, call me and we can analyze every last nuance—it’ll be awesome!
mad maddie:
can’t, sorry. it’s bunny hop time!
Sun, Nov 21, 11:01 AM E.S.T.
zoegirl:
maddie! how was the we
dding?
mad maddie:
it was awesome, altho i’m kinda hungover. not terrible, tho.
zoegirl:
more, please
mad maddie:
it was mainly family, so the ceremony wasn’t huge, but with my family that’s probably a good thing. donovan looked great in his tux, and lisa looked drop-dead gorgeous.
zoegirl:
what was her dress like?
mad maddie:
her dress? i don’t know. it was … white. NOT froufrou. for lisa it was perfect, especially cuz she’s so tiny. but, like, naturally tiny. healthy tiny.
zoegirl:
did she seem happy? was she glowing? when i fall in love, it’s gonna be with someone who makes me glow.
mad maddie:
ok, excuse me while i barf
zoegirl:
whoa, you really are hungover
mad maddie:
uh, no, i was barfing cuz somehow ur channeling angela with this “glowing” shit. why does everyone have to get all mushy when it comes to love?
zoegirl:
i am *not* channeling angela. you cannot compare me to angela, that is so unfair.
mad maddie:
i don’t know if lisa was glowing, but she smiled a lot, and at the reception she gave me a big hug, which surprised me. i used to think she was snobby, but now i’m wondering if she’s just shy.
mad maddie:
she’s not, like, the coolest girl in the world, but she’s the coolest girl for donovan, if that makes sense. i think they’re good together.
zoegirl:
well, that’s awesome. you can be cynical maddie if you have to be, but i want that someday. i want to fall in love for real.
mad maddie:
u don’t consider mr. h for real?
zoegirl:
don’t, maddie. i don’t even like to joke about that.
mad maddie:
about what? the fact that u almost had an affair with your horny english teacher?
zoegirl:
i am covering my ears now. la la la.
mad maddie:
how about his whole christianity kick, can i joke about that? ya gotta admit, it’s great material. it’s not very often that a guy uses God to try and lure in the girls.
zoegirl:
please stop
mad maddie:
zo, it happened over a year ago. it’s ancient history. when WILL i be allowed to joke about it?
zoegirl:
changing the subject. i talked to angela this morning, and she said you met some guy named after a seasoning. cilantro? paprika?
mad maddie:
ha ha. it’s clive. i just call him chive. he goes to northside.
zoegirl:
what grade’s he in?
mad maddie:
he’s a junior like us. he loves music, which is why he goes to n’side, since they have such a good performing arts department. i told him how i wanna major in music AND advertising and then be the person who makes album art.
mad maddie:
we talked forever—he’s got GORGEOUS eyes—and then we kinda ended up getting down and dirty-ish in the corner. the moms totally caught us, which was completely embarrassing.
zoegirl:
oh god
mad maddie:
but she was wasted too, so she didn’t care. she got all teary and started saying stuff like, “u and clive! it’s meant to be!” and i was like, “mom, no. i love being single.” and she goes, “r u telling me ur a slut?”
zoegirl:
nuh uh
mad maddie:
then she calls out to all my aunts and uncles in this really loud voice, “someone bring me another drink—my little girl’s a slut!”
zoegirl:
i swear, maddie, your family is so incredibly different from mine. there is no way i would ever have a conversation like that with my mother.
mad maddie:
cuz your family is normal
mad maddie:
she was just joking, tho. she was just being wild.
zoegirl:
was chive around for all that? did he hear your mom call u a slut?
mad maddie:
yeah, and he laughed. that’s the cool thing about him.
zoegirl:
huh
mad maddie:
i had FUN, zo. the whole night was fun. i know it’s not your style, but i had a blast.
zoegirl:
are you going to see him again?
mad maddie:
who, chive? i hope so, but not in a date-y way if that’s what ur asking.
zoegirl:
why not in a date-y way?
mad maddie:
cuz i’m not looking for that. we don’t all have to GLOW, zo. we really don’t.
mad maddie:
hey, how was your first night at Kidding Around?
zoegirl:
i *love* it. the kids are so cute. there was this one little boy, he was maybe 3, and he had all these fake tattoos on his arm. i would point to one and say, “so what’s that?” and he’d say, “a snake, but not a *real* snake.” or “a bat, but not a *real* bat.” or “a lightning, but not a *real* lightning, because if it was real lightning, there would be thunder. only not here. somewhere else. where the indians are.”
mad maddie:
what indians?
zoegirl:
i do not know, to tell you the truth.
zoegirl:
oh—and guess who works there with me?!
mad maddie:
who?
zoegirl:
doug schmidt!
mad maddie:
doug? as in angela’s doug?
zoegirl:
he’s not really angela’s doug, seeing as how she’s not the slightest bit interested. but yeah. i was like, “doug! wow!”
mad maddie:
he’s gonna be all over u, i can c it now. he’s gonna use u as an inside link. angela may not be interested, but it’s a sure bet HE is.
zoegirl:
maybe. i just think it’s cool that a guy would take a job there in the first place.
mad maddie:
what’d angela say?
zoegirl:
we didn’t talk about it much, because she was kind of distracted. she thinks her parents are buying her a car.
mad maddie:
oh yeah, that’s right—and she says U planted the idea.
zoegirl:
i did not! i just said she shouldn’t assume that whatever’s going on with her parents is bad.
zoegirl:
although i may have to revise that opinion based on a new and not-so-good development. *don’t* tell angela.
mad maddie:
don’t tell angela what?
zoegirl:
well … i saw her dad at starbucks this morning. i was getting cappuccinos for my parents because i’m such a good daughter, and there was mr. silver. and he wasn’t alone.
mad maddie:
who was he with?
zoegirl:
a woman. a woman wearing a tailored skirt and blouse. the kind of woman who actually uses lip liner.
mad maddie:
lip liner, that’s hardcore.
mad maddie:
so what r u saying?
zoegirl:
nothing, i’m not saying anything
mad maddie:
u don’t think he’s having an affair, do u???
zoegirl:
no no no, i’m sure he’s not.
zoegirl:
i just got a weird vibe, that’s all.
mad maddie:
weird how?
zoegirl:
you know how normally mr. silver’s so friendly and buddy-buddy? well, today when i went over to say hi, he looked really uncomfortable. all brusque and at the same time blushing, like he’d been caught in the act.
mad maddie:
WHAT act?
zoegirl:
&
nbsp; i don’t know. and he didn’t introduce me to lip liner woman, even though she was smiling very pleasantly like “oh, and who’s your little friend?” it was one of those moments where he *should* have introduced us, but he didn’t.
zoegirl:
there was something suspicious about it. it made me worry that
zoegirl:
never mind
mad maddie:
what?
zoegirl:
it’s stupid. it’s superstitious. but, like, things are going *so well* for us. you’re happy, angela’s happy, i’m happy. and then i think, crap, when’s the bad thing gonna happen, you know?