"No," she said, her voice firm. "Now scoot over."
He didn't have the motivation to argue, so he scooted.
She slid onto the couch next to him, then pulled his head down against her. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really. He's a good friend, and I love him, and part of me thinks I should have seen it coming."
"It's not your fault."
"I know that, too."
Their eyes met, and the concern he saw on her face made him feel cherished. He wished Jared could have felt that way.
"There is one thing."
"Whatever you need."
"I'm so tired."
"Well, then close your eyes and go to sleep."
"Will you stay?"
"Derek, yes. Of course. I'm not going anywhere."
"Thank you."
"Shhh," she murmured, stroking his hair. "Just close your eyes and drift."
And so he did, trying to wrap his mind around the entire day. But he couldn't. All he could process was the fact of Amanda. He'd tried to push her away. She'd stayed anyway.
Now here she was, when he was raw and exposed. Shattered and confused. Basically a mess.
And all he could think was, thank God.
Chapter Eleven
Even in upstate New York, July was a bitch, and Derek wiped sweat from the back of his neck as he and Jared walked the grounds at the hospital.
In the months since Jared had tried to kill himself, Derek had made the trip at least a half-dozen times, squeezing the visits in between his increasingly busy travel schedule for work and his regular trips to Austin, which in Derek's mind had become both sacred and frustrating.
Sacred because he cherished his days with her.
Frustrating because even after a year, they were still flying under the radar. They were in a de facto relationship--any lawyer would say so--but she still refused to describe it that way. Or do anything to move it forward.
But that wasn't a problem for today.
Usually, when Derek visited Jared, they took a walk, then played some chess, then talked about something utterly mundane. Last time, they'd actually debated the lighting design in Citizen Kane, a conversation all the more interesting since Derek knew nothing about film. Neither did Jared, really, but under the circumstances, Derek didn't push that point.
In other words, their conversation to date had been safe. Dull. Even boring. And definitely not insightful.
Today, Derek had asked his friend why.
"A lot of reasons," Jared said. "Some I'd just gotten mixed up in my head. Some Dr. Crowley says I may not fully understand. But I guess the bottom line is that I couldn't figure out how to get off the damn hamster wheel. I mean, you know my life. What was the point?"
"I think you're the point," Derek said, and Jared lifted a shoulder. And, thankfully, smiled.
"Yeah, maybe so. But I've got a ways to go before I find my way back to a version of me that I want to hang out with, you know?"
"I think I do. You staying here for a while, then?"
Jared nodded. "Another three weeks. About time I put myself in the shop for maintenance, don't you think?"
Derek had to laugh, relieved that some things didn't change. "Yes. Past time. I've been worried about you."
"I know. I'm sorry about that."
"Don't be. I get it."
Jared studied him for a minute. "Do you?"
"Yeah." He frowned. "Why?"
Jared waved the question away. "Spend too much time around shrinks and you start thinking like one. I just worry about your hamster wheel, you know? May not be as rickety as mine was, but it's still spinning."
He thought of Amanda. And he thought of the unending crisscross pattern he was following over the continent, and the renovations on the motel that were stalling because he didn't have a free second to push the project forward.
He thought of all that, and he nodded. "Yeah. I know."
* * *
When Amanda got to The Fix Wednesday night, she was surprised by how crowded it was. This was the sixth of the bi-weekly Man of the Month contests--they'd kicked off in April--and each one had drawn a bigger crowd.
"Amanda!"
Amanda turned just in time to get caught up in Megan Clark's exuberant hug. A makeup artist by trade, Megan had recently begun working with Jenna, and had come up with an advertising flyer that seemed to be working.
"You know," Amanda said, "I think this may be the best night yet. Your flyers definitely upped the interest, and what's on the flyer's not too bad either. I mean, Parker? Holy hell, that man is hot." Somehow Megan had convinced Parker Manning--the Parker Manning--to enter the contest. And Amanda could only wonder what sort of bribe she'd used to make that happen.
Griffin Draper had come in with Megan, and now he rolled his eyes. An up-and-coming voice actor and web series creator, Griffin was extremely talented, but also self-conscious of the scars he'd received after being burned as a child. Megan, Amanda knew, had become one of his closest friends.
Megan ignored Griff's reaction, pushed a lock of dark hair off her forehead, and nodded in solidarity with Amanda. "Seriously hot," she agreed.
"Honestly, if this were a bachelor auction instead of a calendar contest, I think I'd have to bid." Amanda started to fan herself, but when Megan clapped a hand over her mouth in an obvious attempt to hold back laughter, she turned around--only to have her eyes fly open at the sight behind her.
Parker was there, yeah. But she wasn't embarrassed by what he might have overheard. For one thing, it was true, and he was surely used to being fawned over by women by now. For another, she barely even registered Parker.
No, what had her eyes going wide was the man with Parker--Derek. What on earth was he doing there tonight?
She heard the others talking, but she was too shocked to process words, so she didn't clue back into the conversation until Megan spoke up. "Who's your friend?"
"Sorry," Parker said. "Everyone, this is Derek Winston."
Everyone started introducing themselves and shaking hands. And then it was Amanda's turn. She met his eyes, and she knew hers were full of questions. Some of her friends who came to The Fix knew they were acquainted, of course. But Brooke wasn't around at the moment, and so right now it just seemed easier to take his extended hand, ignore the ever-present zing of connection, and mutter her name in introduction.
She was certain that everyone could read her face and figure out what was going on, but no one seemed to notice her at all.
"You're Winston Hotels, right?" Griffin asked. "Nice properties."
"Thanks," Derek says. "It's a family business, but I've taken over as the director of North American operations. I'm in town visiting the Austin properties. Since Parker and I go way back, I thought I'd come watch him shake his groove thing up on that stage."
"If my groove thing does any shaking it won't be on that stage," he said. And although it might have been Amanda's imagination, she could have sworn he looked at Megan.
"There you are!" Taylor D'Angelo hurried forward, her ponytail bouncing. She shoved her way through the crowd, then grabbed Parker's arm. "You're supposed to be in the back. It's almost time for the show to start."
"See you all later," Parker said as he was dragged away.
About the same time, Megan headed toward the stage, leaving Derek and Amanda alone, with Amanda gaping at the man. She was trying to gather her thoughts, when a familiar looking man approached, and she remembered him as the guy sharing a table with Derek that very first night they met.
"Hey," the man said, "I didn't expect to see you here."
"I came to see Parker humiliate himself."
"Didn't we all? I'm Landon, by the way," he added, thrusting his hand out for Amanda. "An old friend of Derek's."
"Oh. Right. Well, I'll leave you two to talk. It was great to meet you."
She saw Derek's eyes go wide, but she didn't hesitate. Just cut through the crowd and headed to the back of the bar. In all the time
they'd been together, they'd never come to The Fix. They'd never talked about it; it seemed to be an unspoken rule.
So to see him here now was strangely upsetting. No, she thought. Not upsetting. It was confusing. Because as much as she'd wanted some time to think, she also couldn't deny an almost overpowering urge to sit with him at a table in the back, their heads bent close together as they watched the contest. And that desire--that craving to have more of him than she already had--had been growing constantly for months.
And, yeah, that scared her.
Frustrated, she dragged her fingers through her hair. Bottom line, she wanted Derek. Heavy underscore beneath the bottom line? She wanted all the parameters tailored to her convenience.
Well, hell.
Fortunately, he hadn't pushed her to change the status quo. And surely tonight was just a coincidence.
In fact, he was probably just as surprised as she was, which accounted for whatever odd vibe she'd picked up.
Biting back a grin, she eased toward the back of the bar. If she slipped out through the back exit to the alley while the contest was going on, no one but Derek would miss her. And he'd undoubtedly know to look for her at his condo.
She eased through the crowd and was just about to slip into the hallway, when she heard the familiar voice calling her name.
"Amanda."
She turned, her breath leaving her as she saw him, his broad shoulders filling the space and his eyes full of so much passion she knew that her panties were already soaked. If it wouldn't be so damn dangerous, she'd just drag him into the ladies room and have her way with him right then.
Instead, she just smiled and said, "Hey. I'm sorry for cutting out on your friend. I was surprised to see you. I was afraid he'd read something on my face."
"Baby, that's not even on the radar. I just want you to meet me in our room in an hour. Will you do that for me?"
"Absolutely," she said, although she was surprised that he wanted to meet at the hotel. Usually they went to the condo. Then again, they had met in July. Maybe he wanted to celebrate their anniversary month in the same room they'd managed so well in before.
"I have news," he said. "I was going to wait to tell you, but baby, I'm too excited."
"Really?" She couldn't imagine what it could be. Maybe tickets to a show tonight? They'd been talking about going to see something this summer.
He took her hand, then leaned in close, his breath tickling her ear. "I'm moving permanently to the condo. And I'm cutting out the work travel, too. No more waiting. From now on, you can have me anytime you want me." He pulled back just enough to meet her eyes. "And baby, I always want you."
Chapter Twelve
Derek had known that his news was going to blow her mind, and he'd debated whether to drag out the news or tell it in one fell swoop. In the end, he'd decided to do both. Tell her about the move to Austin first, and then tell her the rest when he got her alone.
What he hadn't expected was such a visceral reaction from her. But here she was in their hotel room, pacing back and forth, barely saying a word.
"I guess I don't understand," she said. "You just decided to up and quit your job?"
"My job that required me to travel so much, yes. I'll still be employed." At least, he hoped so. That discussion was part of the dragging it out portion of tonight's program, and right then she didn't look primed to hear it.
"But--"
"Amanda, please. Sit down."
She scowled, but complied, settling herself on the foot on the sofa in the suite's living room. Since he wanted to see her face, he sat on the ottoman across from her. "I did a lot of thinking after Jared's suicide attempt," he began, then tried to put into words for her how much he'd empathized with Jared's feeling of his life having no meaning, no real connections.
He took her hands then. "But I'm not Jared. I have you. And I wanted more, but that wasn't possible unless I made some changes. I thought--hoped--that you wanted me in your life. And not just in a way that pops in periodically."
She swallowed, but she didn't hesitate. And when she said, "Yes, of course I do," he thought those were the sweetest words in the world.
"Jared described it as a hamster wheel, and he's right. There's only one way off, and that's to make the jump. Take a leap."
"A leap of faith," she said, her voice fragile. "At least you're luckier than a lot of people. You have your money and your family business. A safety net for if you fall."
"True," he said. And not true, though he didn't tell her that yet. No sense muddying things up before they needed to be.
He drew in a breath and continued. "But here's the thing. It's not just that I'm sick of traveling, it's that I want to see you more. And not just more often, but more. Richer. Deeper. I love what we have, don't misunderstand. But I don't want to be going in a circle on a hamster wheel with you. I want a highway. Or long, lazy country roads. I want a horizon and a future."
"You want a relationship."
"Yes. No. I think we have a relationship. I want to put the stamp of approval on it and trot it out for our friends and family to see."
She pressed her lips together. "What if I'm not ready for that?"
He leaned forward so that he could put his hands on her knees. "Baby, why wouldn't you be? What is it that's scaring you?"
She drew in a breath. "I don't know."
He slid off the ottoman so that he was on the floor looking up at her. "I think you do. I talked to Nolan, and Leo was a prick. He left without warning, he was an asshole. And that makes you scared. But I'm not Leo. You're going to have to put up a fight to get rid of me."
Her eyes met his, and for a moment, he saw their future in her soul. Then she hugged herself and shook her head.
"Dammit, Amanda, you're scared to take a risk on something just because it might fail. That puts you on the damn hamster wheel."
"Forget the fucking hamsters," she snapped. "And you know what? It's not just me. Or have you forgotten about the motor inn. Because that's some pretty risky business, but I haven't seen you going after that project in almost a year."
"Right, well, that's something else I wanted to tell you. I took that leap, too."
She blinked at him, then slowly sat down. "What?"
"The motel's just been sitting there, waiting to be renovated. My pet project going ignored, and I couldn't stand it. So Since the board didn't want it to be a division, so I set up my own corporation--DW Boutiques. The Winston Corporation is coming in as an investor, which is how I'm capitalizing it. But it's all on me. This fails, my name in this business is shit. My dad will probably stick me back in the mailroom."
Fire lit her eyes, and his heart swelled. "Derek, that's amazing. Congratulations."
"I can't do that, though," she continued, and he felt that flicker of hope fade into ash. "I don't have a safety net."
"Sure you do. You have me." He grinned. "I'll need a good real estate agent."
"That's only the net for if the business fails." A tear trickled down her cheek. "The truth is, I didn't even love Leo. It was my ego that was hurt, and my business, which really pissed me off. But if I go all in and then I lose you..."
She stood and started pacing. Again. And, dammit, he let his frustration get the better of him.
"For Christ's sake, Amanda, I love you. I love you enough to take a risk. To go out into the world with you at my side and to tell people that we belong together. That we're in this whole thing together, hamster wheel or highway. Don't you get it, baby? For me, it's all about you. I do," he whispered. "I really do love you."
Tears streamed down her face, and she hugged herself so tight her knuckles were white.
"Maybe I don't love you."
He shook his head. "That one's lame," he said. "I know you do."
A strangled laugh bubbled out of her. "Yes," she said simply. "I do." She licked her lips. "But maybe that's not what matters. I'm sorry, Derek," she blurted as she hurried for the door. "I really am, but I have to go."
/>
Chapter Thirteen
"I want him," Amanda said to Jenna as they sat in the back office of The Fix, just before the lunch crowd came in. Amanda had spent over twenty-four hours doing nothing but watching sappy movies and drinking wine, and contrary to pop culture, she hadn't figured a single thing out.
"I mean, I really do want him. I was even getting there on my own. And then he went and dumped everything on me without warning. I wasn't ready. But maybe I was on my way to getting ready."
"So tell him that."
Amanda sighed. "I thought I did. But I think he heard no."
And honestly, maybe she'd said no. He was mixing up the idea of a relationship--and the way he was describing it as a long highway all the way over the horizon sounded a whole lot like 'til death do us part. And to go from not even telling their friends--until this very moment--to side-by-side burial plots was a little too zero to sixty for her.
Or maybe she was just making excuses.
"Why am I making excuses?" she asked. "I mean, if I'm really ready--if I love him the way I'm supposed to--wouldn't I be ready to jump right in?"
Jenna shook her head. "Reece was full of excuses. But we're great now. Maybe you're just scared."
"I am," Amanda said. "I really am. That it won't work out. That my business will fail."
"Fail? Why?"
"I--" She threw up her hands. Because the truth was that she hadn't cocktailed her way to a lead or a client since she met Derek, and yet she had more clients than ever simply from the folks she'd met in his building.
"Oh, hell." Tears trickled down her face and she felt like an idiot. "If I never say yes, I can't be wrong."
Jenna frowned. "What?"
"That's it. I think that's what's holding me back." She twisted a strand of hair. "I thought I loved Leo--it wasn't love. It was lust. But they seemed the same at the time. I thought everything was fine, and then he just left. Boom. Everything I believed was wrong."
"So you're saying that maybe what you believe about Derek is wrong, too?"
Amanda exhaled slowly. "What if he realizes he doesn't love me after all? I mean, obviously I'm a basket case. Maybe he bolts."
"Maybe he sticks."
"How can I be sure?"
Jenna lifted a shoulder. "You can't. So the question is, are you willing to take the chance?"