I was hurting, and you didn’t understand. You turned away from me, or it felt like it. I know that’s not what you meant to do, but how I felt. And I couldn’t make you understand. I couldn’t talk to you. I was getting lost, falling further and further away. And then Wade saw that I was hurting and asked me what was going on. He touched me, Judd, when I hadn’t been touched by you for months.”
I nod, but my heart is screaming at me for my foolishness and her pain and brokenness.
“And I thought that he didn’t do it because he wanted to sleep with me, he just cared. And I felt something: a rush. My heart started to beat so fast, and I felt more alive than I’d felt for months and I wanted that. Wade wasn’t grieving our baby. He didn’t have that cloud over him. I wanted to be there too. And when he looked at me I couldn’t see the disappointment in his eyes. I couldn’t see the failure. And he made me laugh. He made me forget that I was a wife, a mother – or could have been. And then our talks turned into more and then...”
She hangs her head. Tears are dripping down. I want to hold her. I want to stop her talking but I can’t. And in a way I don’t want to stop her. She needs to talk this out.
“The thing is, I needed what he could give me. I could barely get through the day without it. But I hid it from you. I hid it for so long. Because while I was sleeping with him I still loved you. I told myself that I loved him too, but it was something else, something different to what we had. But, you understand, I couldn’t stop. I wanted to. I wanted to go back to you. But the need in me was too big to control. In a way it controlled me. I knew it was wrong. My conscience was driving me crazy but it wasn’t strong enough to stop me.”
She has stopped crying. She wipes away the tears from her eyes and her cheeks.
“I was addicted to feeling that way, Judd. I was addicted to the rush that I felt when I was with him, how it was dangerous and destructive and out of control. I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. And I was so terribly ashamed of myself as I did it, but at the same time I didn’t care what it would cost me, what damage it would do and how much it would hurt you. And I couldn’t tell you because of the shame and because I just didn’t want it to stop. But all that time I never stopped loving you, because being with him, what I was doing, had nothing to do with my love for you. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s the best way I can explain it. And that’s why I didn’t leave you. I was unhappy, I was betraying you, but I still loved you.”
I take a deep breath. I want to say something but the words don’t form.
“And then, when you found out, it all changed. I had the consequences of what I’d done. I’d hurt you and lost you all at once. I couldn’t explain it all to you, even if I had the words, because you were gone and you hated me. But I had Wade, but even that was different. It wasn’t hidden any more. There was no rush. There was only regret and sadness. We stayed together, but I don’t know why. We had no history – only sneaking around and sex – and that’s not enough. I need more. I need you. And then we found out about the baby and... well, it just became so much bigger than the two of us.
“Then I saw you and I saw how much I’d hurt you – and I kept on doing it. I blamed you for everything when it was me. And I’m not trying to blame all of this on my addiction. I’m saying that there is a reason for all of this. But then I had the bleeding and you were there. You stepped up. You were there. Do you remember? We held hands for the first time in god knows how long.”
She laughs.
“You even did all the forms for me at the hospital. When I was discharged I hardly had to do anything. And I knew that you still loved me then, like I still loved you. It’s just that there was all this between us now, and we needed to talk it out.
“There’s a problem, though. Because I’ve been addicted to that feeling before, I have to be careful not to fall into that pattern again. I have to learn what the danger signs are. I have to learn how to avoid those situations. It’s like an alcoholic stays away from bars. I need to get help.”
“Mary’s helping you, right?”
“She is, but it’s not going to be enough. She’s fragile and I can’t ask her to take my burdens on as well as her own.”
“So, someone else?”
Quinn nods slowly. “She has someone in mind. I’ll meet them at the seminar. I need to tell you all of this so that you know what I’m going through. But I just feel so ashamed.”
“Of what?” I ask her. I reach over and take her hand.
“Of being an addict. It’s so humiliating. When I’m out of control it terrifies me.”
“I can see that,” I say. “And I understand. Don’t be ashamed, because I don’t want to shame you. We can get through this together. And it’s good in a way.”
“Good?”
“It’s good that you know. It’s good that you’re aware of this, that I am too. And look, I’ve always said, if I’d have been a better husband to you, you wouldn’t have been in that position. You wouldn’t have started that behaviour.” I take a deep breath. “But you’re done with him right? It’s completely over? There’s nothing left of him in your heart?”
She shakes her head. “It’s over. I’m with you, totally, absolutely. I’m completely in love with you, Judd. And it’s like I’m addicted to you now, but in a good way, a healthy way. And I don’t ever want to let you go.”
“Alright,” I say with a deep breath. “So, we’ll just deal with this like we have everything else, okay?”
She nods and smiles sadly, and I lean in and kiss her, to connect to her, to show her that I believe everything will be alright.
Thursday
After the show, after all of our calls and discussions, Wade closes the door to his office. He pulls out of his bag two sets of papers.
“What’s that?” I ask him. But I know the answer. In part.
He looks them both over, tells them apart, and slides one of them over to me. “Take a look,” he says.
I do. Another contract. With my name on it.
“Is this what I think it is?”
He grins. “It’s exactly what you think it is.”
“You’re taking me with you?”
“We had a long talk on Monday. Firstly, what we did last week, talking about our story, being honest, it paid off. Apparently this is just the kind of vibe they were wanting. So, the show is going on as planned.”
“Congratulations.”
“Thanks, man. But the thing is, that was your idea. And the truth is I can’t move forward. But even if I could, I don’t want to. I need you behind me, stopping me from doing something stupid, stopping me from being a total ass, pushing me forward. You’re my best friend. I don’t deserve you at all, but here you are. And what you’re doing for me and Chloe...”
“I can only do so much there.”
“I know. But you tried to tell me that I was in a dangerous place, but I wouldn’t listen to you. I’ve learnt my lesson there.”
“Good.”
“Anyway, secondly: they understand that you’re just as important to the show as I am. They understand that the show won’t work without you, and they know now that I won’t come over to them without you.”
“So you got them to draw up a contract for me as well.”
He grins again, nods emphatically. “Take a good look. I guarantee you’ll like what you see.”
When I get home Quinn is already dressed for classes tonight.
“I thought we could order in,” she says after kissing me.
“I’ve got a better idea. We’ll eat on the way.”
And we do. There is a pizza place a block from the community centre. We’ve been there a few times. We get a booth down the back where it’s quiet and close to the bathroom. After we’ve eaten I pull out my contract from my jacket and smooth it out. I haven’t signed it yet, but I have read it from front to back, several times. Wade was right. I did like what I saw.
“What’s that?” she asks me.
“This,” I say,
passing it to her, “is a contract to join Wade in his new show.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“But you said they didn’t want you.”
“They didn’t, but after what happened last week, Wade convinced them to take me. And I actually believe that he doesn’t think he can do it without me.”
She flips through the pages while she drinks her soda, and settles on the one that I had settled on. There is a number, bigger than I have ever seen. She almost chokes on her drink.
“Exactly. And I get six months off to look after you and Rachel. All in all it’s pretty good.”
She gets to the end. “You haven’t signed it,” she points out.
“I wanted to show you first, get your opinion.”
“You don’t need my permission.”
And I think back at our lives the last two years and I realise that we never really consulted with each other over anything. We didn’t talk. We didn’t discuss. We led separate lives living in the same house and we seemed content with that. Now I think about it then it’s kind of a stupid way to live. It’s a kind of stupid way to have a marriage – where you don’t really have one at all. And the thing was, even before I found out that Quinn was emotionally invested elsewhere, we weren’t really married. We were pretending. We had both settled for a facade.
“I’m not asking for it. I’d like to sign it, but I won’t if you don’t like the idea. We’re a partnership. We talk about things now.”
She nods slowly. “You’re right. We should talk about things