friend then I can’t be there. And I can’t see her as my wife anymore. I have to let it go.
And really, if I keep think about all the things that have been done to me, all the ways that I’ve been screwed, then I’ll go mad. I could rave to her about what she’s done but I see no point. She needs to see it for herself, and I think she is starting to. I think she’s starting to see how much she’s hurt me. I think she’s starting to feel it for herself.
Penny. That’s another problem altogether. I haven’t told Quinn about her but I know I’m going to have to at some point. The longer I leave it the worse it will be when I do. I know that it will hurt Quinn. I know that she’ll feel that I’ve betrayed her as well, and I have. It doesn’t matter that she did it first or that I was hurting and lonely and needing some human touch. What mattered was that I did it.
I made promises to Penny too. I said that I’d call her in six months. Our baby will be born around then. Will I really have time to pursue something with her? Either I will be caring for Quinn nearly ready to deliver, or I will be helping her with our daughter. Either way I might not be making that call. I can’t even think of it now. And in truth I can’t even remember clearly what she looks like. My life has been consumed by work and Quinn and our baby. Maybe that’s the way it should be.
But this is how things are. They’re complicated. My relationship with Quinn is complicated. My work is complicated. My attachment to Penny is complicated.
I’m back in my flat. I’m not calling it the dungeon anymore. This is my home and my refuge now. I pull out my notepad again and scribble some more notes – mostly about Quinn and our friendship and my decision. I fall asleep with the pad on my lap within a few minutes and my sleep is deep and long and full of dreams.
Wednesday
I head back over to Quinn’s apartment. I park next to her Jeep like I used to and send her a quick message. She’s calls me up and I ride the elevator to her floor. The doors open and I find her almost ready. She’s running late, which is not like her, and she’s a little flustered.
“Are you okay?” I ask her.
“I’ve just spent half the day with my face in the toilet,” she replies bluntly.
“If you’re sick, then we should do this another time.”
“I invited you, remember?”
I nod and shrug at the same time. “If you’re too sick to go out, then you should stay at home.”
“No,” she says defiantly. She looks at me, her face pale. “This is important.”
“Why? It’s just dinner with friends.”
“You don’t understand.”
I shake my head. “Then make me understand. This is how we work now. No hints, no secrets, just the truth.”
She nods, and sits on the lounge, putting her heals on. She’s dressed perfectly, as always, in a nice white top and black pants. I’m feeling a little underdressed, but I didn’t realise it mattered. It never did before. Her hair is out and I’m just realising that she’s wearing it differently now.
“They’re welcoming you back,” she tells me.
“Sorry?”
“They’re welcoming you back into my life. When we... when you were gone and I was with Wade, I made them accept him. You were...” She sighs.
“I know what I was. Can I make a confession?”
“We’re late, so it will have to be quick.”
“I know they knew about you and Wade before I did.”
She looks down, bows her head. “Really?”
“And before then, when you were thinking about sleeping with him.”
She nods sadly.
“Did they try and talk you out of it?” I ask her.
“It doesn’t matter. I wouldn’t have listened.”
“But it does put things into perspective, though.”
“How so?”
I shrug. “Well... it seems just about everybody knew by me. No one cared enough to tell me, and I had to find out about it in the worst possible way.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“I know. It just hurts to find out just how unloved I was.”
“You are loved,” she tells me quietly.
“I know that too. I just thought that I should clear the air. So, dinner then?”
“You’re not going to make trouble?”
“No. I’ll forgive them. That’s what I do.”
We ride back down to the garage and I lead her to the Porsche. She looks at me like I’ve been keeping secrets from her, like I’ve kept a secret stash of money she didn’t know about and was hiding it from our lawyers.
“That’s not your car,” she points out.
“It’s Phillip’s,” I tell her. “A gift from Tracy.”
Quinn whistles through her teeth.
“She was rich,” I explain.
“Why have you got it?”
“I stole it. Well, swapped it, actually.”
“He swapped that for your car?”
“Well, that’s where the stealing comes in. I didn’t exactly tell him I was taking it. I did leave him my car though.”
“I bet he wasn’t too happy with that.”
I laugh. “He wasn’t pleased, no.”
“When are you planning on returning it to him?”
“I was actually thinking of keeping it.”
“It’s not exactly a family car,” she says.
“Yeah. Hadn’t thought of that. Can I just enjoy it for a while?”
“It’s alright with me, but you’d better check with your brother.”
Jen and Allan live twenty or so minutes out of the city. They’ve got a bigger apartment than I used to have when I lived with Quinn. They have a balcony as well – we’ve all sat out there on many an evening looking over the lights of the city. I remember that most of them were fun, even the ones in the last year. But I know that they knew all about my wife and her lover and kept quiet. Everything around me was a facade.
Allan is on the balcony, turning meat on the cooker. I’m still a little annoyed with Jen, though I know I shouldn’t be. If she hadn’t have called I wouldn’t be back in Quinn’s life like I am. Maybe I should thank her. But I won’t – at least not yet. Right now I’m avoiding her.
“Here he is,” Allan says. He’s an import from the south. In the past his accent irritated me a little but I think I’ve missed it.
“Hey,” I say, and take his offered hand.
“So, back from the dead?” He smiles warmly.
“What?”
“I should call you Lazarus.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, here you are back from the dead, out from the cold. That’s quite a feat. Good for you.”
“Ah,” I say. “Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.”
“So you’re not back with Quinn?”
“Not exactly. We’re still friends. So, we’re here as friends.”
“Are you sure about that?” He points with his tongs in the direction of the window. Through the glass is the kitchen. Quinn is there, looking at us and smiling. “I’ve seen that look on her before.”
“With Wade, right?” I ask him with a slight smile.
“What?”
“With Wade. You remember him? He’s the one she replaced me with. She’s the one she made you all accept so that you’d all forget about me.”
“It wasn’t like that,” he replies hesitantly.
“It’s fine,” I say. “I know what happened. And it’s over. He’s gone. And I know that you knew about them, but that doesn’t matter either. Let’s just move on.”
“Then why mention it?”
“I’m about speaking the truth and being true to myself.” I point to the grill. “The steak is burning,” I tell him.
He turns over the meat. “I said I’d seen that look before on Quinn. Well it was a while ago and she was looking at you, you moron. Don’t blow this. Not everyone gets a second chance.”
“Is that what this is?”
“You tell me.”
> Dinner goes without incident – I don’t make a scene. I was fairly sure Quinn would not have appreciated that and I had no desire to spoil the night for everyone. Soon my feelings of betrayal and rejection fade away and we were all back to where we were before – but still I knew that these people were friendly to me for Quinn’s sake. I had to accept the reality of the situation and move on.
As we drive home she puts her hand on my thigh. I glance back to her finding her smiling back at me.
“Thanks,” she says.
“What for?”
“That was hard for you, I know. You did that for me, and I appreciate it.”
I smile, look down at her long fingers resting upon my leg. She keeps her hand there all the way back to her building. I’m sure there is a reason why I want her to move her hand but for some reason I can’t quite remember what it is.
The elevator doors close behind us and we’re standing in her apartment. Its dark, only a single lamp illuminates the lounge room. Shadows dominate the air.
“Well,” I say, “I should get going.”
Quinn turns quickly and throws her arms around me and I’m trapped against the cold steel door of the elevator.
“Make love to me, Judd,” she says and kisses me hard.
My head is reeling. I want her so badly. I want her more than anything in this world. I need her. She needs me. But this is not right for us, not now, not any more.
I push her back slightly. “I can’t,” I say.
“Can’t? No! Make love to me!” she demands.
“We’re friends.”
“Are you serious?”
“Sorry,” I tell her gently.
And I feel suddenly guilty, because even though she’s broken our marriage and my trust, I’ve done the same and she doesn’t know about it. It probably wasn’t a good idea to tell her right then, but I’m a fool and the words just come out: “I slept with someone.”
“What?” She says, stepping backwards.
“Back home. When we were... when I was sitting Shiva. I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier, but...”
“Who?” she demands.
“It doesn’t matter.”
She steps forward and pushes me and my head collides with the metal door behind me. “Get out,” she tells me coldly.
“Listen,” I say, but she won’t. She doesn’t tell me to go again; she just looks like she’ll kill me with a knife if I stay.
Next thing I know I’m Phillip’s Porsche, just sitting there staring, wondering what I did wrong and knowing the answer at the same time. My phone rings. It’s her, and I’m hoping she’s cooled down so we can talk.
“Was it before or after the hospital?” she asks me directly, coldly, without introduction.
“Before,” I tell her.
“And after?”
“It was just the once, Quinn, I swear.”
“Fine,” she says, still icy. “One bad turn. I get it.”
I want to tell her that I was lonely and hurting like she was, but I don’t get the chance. The phone goes dead and she’s gone and we’ve taken a step backwards. “Damn,” I say and start the car. I drive back to my flat alone and angry, not at her, but at my own stupidity.
Thursday
I don’t sleep well that night. I’m playing the scene over and over in my mind and I’m thinking how I could have handled it better. Maybe I should have just slept her like she asked me to, that would have been the simplest solution, the bravest. But then, perhaps, not sleeping with her would be braver – honouring our new friendship.
When I get to the station Kenny is sitting in my desk already getting ready to go on air. I know something is wrong immediately. Wade comes out of the booth and he is wearing an odd expression. I’d never seen it on his face before. He looks guilty. Not quite. I can’t quite read him.
“Judd,” he says, pulling me into the office.
“What?” I ask. “What’s going on here?”
“Listen man, I’ve got to tell you: Quinn called me last night, she asked me to come over.”
I go cold. I feel worse than I did when I walked in on them. I’ve been betrayed twice and I’m a fool.
“What did you do?” I demand, stepping toward him, looking like I’m going to live up to my promise.
He puts up his hands to defend himself, stepping back as he does. “Nothing,” he says. “We talked on the phone, that’s it, man.”
“I told you...”
“Yeah, I know, but she called me. I didn’t go over Judd, you have to know that. I couldn’t do that to you again. She needs you man, she needs you more than you know and you keep screwing it up.”
I sit, put my head in my hands, growl in frustration.
“Go and find her,” he tells me.
“The show...”
“Kenny’s got it.”
I look up at him. “You did this?”
He looks sheepish. All of this is not in his nature.
“Thanks,” I say. “That’s the most decent thing you’ve ever done.”
He nods and waves to the door. “Do me a favour?” he asks me as I turn to leave.
“Sure.”
“Don’t tell anyone about this. We can’t let word get out that I’m not a total bastard. It’s bad for ratings.”
I punch him in the shoulder as I pass. I no longer want to punch him in the face. Small steps, I think.
Quinn has left for work. She walks four blocks to the office every morning. She won’t be able to do that forever, she might have three or four months and then I’ll have to drive her. I know she’ll be there a little before nine. I run to head her off. I don’t run regularly, if at all, and I’m breathless a block before her building. I’ve got five minutes to catch it again and cool down.
I wait for her. I hope she doesn’t see this as an ambush. She appears in the crowd, walking slowly. Her eyes are down, looking at the pavement, and she’s a little bent over. She has excellent posture, she stands tall and straight and it makes her look all the more beautiful, unless she’s weighed down by something. I think of the times when I’ve seen her bent over with her cares, and that was a year ago. She’s been straight for a year and now back to where she was.
I call her name and she stops, looks up and sees me. I pull her to the side.
“Judd, what are you doing?”
“I know you rang Wade last night.” I don’t accuse her. There’s none of the tone I would have applied before.
“God,” she says, looking down, shaking her head. “Now my humiliation is complete. Thank you, Judd, thank you very much. Rejected by two men in one night. This is a real low for me.”
I reach over and take her chin, lift it gently. “I understand why you called him,” I tell her. “You were angry and betrayed, I know the feeling. They were the same reasons I slept with Penny. But I swear it was only once and before the hospital.”
“Penny? High school Penny?”
We’ve spoken of her before. “Yes.”
“And it’s over?”
I sigh. I promised that I’d call her in six months. “It’s over,” I tell her. I’m not sure if it’s a lie. Maybe it is. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give her up just yet.
She frowns. “I suppose I don’t have any right to be angry with you. I was still with Wade then, and we were separated.”
I nod.
“And I can’t make any claims on you now,” she continues. “I don’t know why I got angry, Judd. I think I got jealous. But after everything I know I don’t have the right to tell you who you can or can’t sleep with. It’s stupid, and maybe a little unfair, but I guess I always thought it would only be me.” She looks down to the sidewalk. “This is all too hard. I’ve done things, you’ve done things. All the talking in the world isn’t going to erase that.”
“I know.”
She shakes her head sadly, turns her sad face to me again. “I’ve got to get to work. Can we talk later?”
I nod, and then she frowns again.
/> “Shouldn’t you be at work right now?” she asks me.
I grin. “Wade gave me the day off,” I say.
“Really?”
“I’m starting to think he’s not quite so bad after all. Hey, can you do me a favour?”
“Sure.”
“Next time you think of calling him, call me first. Even if we’re fighting. If you tell me you’re going to call him, I’ll stop fighting you, okay?”
She raises her brows. “You realise you’ve just given me an instant win?” she points out.
I smile. “I’ll let you win every time if you like. Okay,” I say, pointing to the front of her office, “off to work.”
She turns to go, takes a step, but I’m in front of her in a second. I’ve grabbed the front of her coat and I’m kissing her with everything I’ve got in me. I don’t know why I do it. It’s an impulse, it’s reckless. It’s a risk. I’m taking a chance on her, on us. She kisses me back eagerly and we’re both breathless when we pull away.
“That was unexpected,” I say, surprised by what I had done. I let her go and step back. She smiles slightly, the sadness suddenly gone from her. I leave her, standing in front of her building, flustered and happy and, maybe, just maybe, remembering that not too long ago she was in love with me.
Friday
I message her after we finish for the day. I invite her to our old place, a block from the station. The waitresses look confused. Me, then Wade, then me. I get that. I get confused sometimes. I stand when she arrives and she leans over and kisses me on the lips. I immediately feel the rush, the heat in my face, the quickening of my pulse. I feel the softness, the tenderness behind it. Something was changing in her, I could feel it. Something was changing in me too. I was giddy, like we were in our early days. They were so long ago that I had forgotten the feeling. It was back and I was elated and terrified all at once.
Maybe I reading too much into this, but it feels real and new. It feels like the burdens I’ve carried for so long have been lifted and I’m starting to see life again full of hope and joy and sunlight. I want her to feel this too, though she says that she’s not ready, but I think she’s had a taste, seeing it in me.
She sits, and I follow. I’ve ordered her a coffee just as she likes it and it was on the way. There was one benefit from history – I had a head start on knowing her. But I still had much to learn.
“So,” she begins, almost nervously. “How are you?”
“I’m good,” I tell her, and it’s true. I’m floating.
She smiles shyly. “This has been quite a week.”
I nod. “It sure has.”
“Is it always going to be like this - all these ups and downs?”
I smile. “Well, this is how we are now.”
“You’re in a good mood.”
“I am. Everything seems lighter, brighter.”
“I feel it too. It’s strange, but every time we’re together... I don’t know... it’s just different than how it was before. You’re different. I can’t explain it. And then I found out about you and Penny and I just went crazy because I thought, well, that’s it. He’s moved on. There’s no hope.”
“Believe it or not I actually understand exactly what you mean.”
“You do? Look, I’m so sorry I tried to get you to sleep with me. I’m just going crazy with all these hormones raging through my body. But it won’t happen again, I promise. You said we’re friends, and I value that more than anything.”
“Me too,” I say.
“I want you to know something.” She leans forward, takes my hand. “Nothing means more to me than your friendship. I broke it like it didn’t matter, but it did, and it still does. And I’m probably