exactly what that means.
“So how did this affect you and Judd, do you think?”
My heart sinks, but I’m holding on to her. This is important. We need to face this even though now I’m under the microscope again.
She wipes her tears away again. “I suppose after we lost our baby Judd stopped holding me, stopped grieving with me. I felt hurt and abandoned, just like back then. I thought he didn’t want me anymore because I couldn’t carry his baby – and when we didn’t get pregnant again I felt such a failure. I felt like I deserved him abandoning me. I thought he would at any moment. I thought he’d find someone else, a better wife, a better mother.”
I’m not arguing this time. We’ve talked about this before. This is not new to me. Still I hurt to hear it again, hurt to hear how I’d turned my back on her two years ago. It’s not how I remember it, but then our memories are often tainted by time and the kindness of self. I know I let her down, that is obvious to me, and I can’t get away from it, like she can’t get away from the fact that she gave up on me, on us.
“Judd...?” Grant says. He wants me to talk, to communicate, but I have no words. I shake my head.
“She’s right,” is all I can say.
“Were you aware of what was happening with Quinn then, about her feeling abandoned?”
I shake my head. “No. But I do understand now. I can see myself doing it. I can see how much it hurt her. I’d undo it if I could.”
Quinn starts to cry softly. I let go of her hand and pull her to me.
“He won’t talk to me,” she cries. “I’ve tried to talk to him, but he won’t talk to me.”
“Your father?” Mary asks.
Quinn nods. “He just said one thing: that I should be ashamed. And I am. I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done. It’s like he was right all along – that I’m worth nothing and he was right to leave me because I’m just going to cause him shame – and I have.”
She’s crying again. There’s nothing to say while she does. I hold her, let her cry herself out again. This is the hardest session we’ve had and I haven’t shed a single tear. But that’s not why I’m here today. I’m here to support her, and I do.
“I want to ask you something,” Mary says, leaning forward so that she can look at Quinn’s face hidden by so much hair. “Do you feel that you’ve been forgiven?”
She shakes her head.
“Not by your father – by the person you’ve hurt the most – by Judd?”
She looks up and turns to me. I’m crying myself now and I’m not expecting it. She looks into my eyes for a moment, searching me, looking for some glimmer of hope. Maybe she didn’t believe me the times I’ve told her, maybe she didn’t want to believe it because she couldn’t believe it of herself, but she was looking for proof now.
If she didn’t believe me then, then I was damn sure she would now. I nod slowly, let my eyes do the talking.
“Have you forgiven yourself?”
Quinn looks down. She doesn’t move her head, not a fraction of an inch.
Mary repeats the question and Quinn looks up, looks at her.
“You’ve been forgiven, Quinn,” she says, and I can hear a slight waver in Mary’s voice, “and that’s the greatest gift that anyone can give you – a second chance. Embrace it and forgive yourself.”
She cries, she turns and throws herself into my arms. I hold her, let her cry into my shoulder. She’s nodding. She’s saying yes.
Grant and Mary smile peacefully. Peace descends on the four of us. I can’t believe that, after what we’ve been though, that I feel this way. Quinn is sitting next to me, her head on my shoulder. She’s not crying any more. I suppose she’s finally exhausted her supply of tears. She’s breathing slowly, like she’s asleep, but I know she’s not. She’s almost at the end of her strength.
I’ve seen her before like this, when we lost our baby. She had cried herself out and I thought that the end of her tears signalled the end of her grief, but I was a fool. She was still hurting to this day. I was determined that I was not going to turn by back on her again, now that we had got this far.
“Judd,” Mary says, “will you leave Quinn with me for a while?”
I nod and she takes my place. Grant and I go out the front and sit on the steps that lead to the gravel drive way.
“I haven’t see her like this for a while,” I tell him.
“She’s faced a lot today, that’s for sure. And she’ll be working through all of that for a while.”
“I know.”
“You’ll be there for her, won’t you?”
I nod. “I’ve moved back in, so, yes.”
“Good.” He looks at me for a moment. “There’s something on your mind.”
“Okay,” I say with a sigh. “There is. We’re trying to be intimate, but...”
“But you can’t.”
“Ah, no.”
“There’s some problem. Is it that Quinn was with that other man?”
I nod slowly. “She replaced the bed, which was pretty amazing of her, but... Well, I keep seeing him in my head when we start, and when things get serious, well he’s right in there and I just imagine him taking over. I’m right back there, seeing them, and I can’t do anything.”
“I see. That’s understandable. And, in a way, he is in there with you both. When she slept with him, she was bonded to him emotionally, just like she was bonded to you all those years. Those bonds are hard to break.”
“She tells me that she doesn’t think about him anymore.”
“Well, that’s good, but she’s still bonded to him, and that’s going to take some time to break.”
“Well,” I say, feeling the anger inside me build, “that’s just great.”
“But you have to believe her and trust her when she says that she doesn’t think of him anymore. These are emotional and spiritual bonds that she didn’t even realise are there, but Mary has told her. The point is, she doesn’t mean to have them, she doesn’t want to have them, and she’ll break them in time, when she’s ready.”
“Okay.”
“You have to realise that you two not making love is not just your issues. She has hers, believe me.”
“But she wants to. She tells me she wants to.”
“She might not realise how these issues affect her. You both have to extend grace to each other while you work this out.”
“Grace?”
“I mean, give each other understanding, forgiveness. Give each other a break. It’s not exactly what I mean by grace, but close enough for you, I think.”
“Okay. So what do I do? I can’t fix her, only myself. So what do I do?”
He thinks for a moment. “Imagine those bonds between them, those links, are breaking every day, getting weaker. Imagine there are bonds joining you with her that are growing stronger. Imagine it’s you that’s replacing him – which, you actually are.”
I think through his suggestions and I start to imagine what is possible.
“But, don’t rush into things. Take your time. Let these images build. Quinn is going to have her things to work through too, but when you’re ready...” He smiles and I grin like a fool.
Quinn is exhausted when I get her home. I put her to bed and she sleeps the afternoon away. I lay with her for an hour, hold her so that she knows that I haven’t left her. She’s better when she wakes a little before dinner time, but she’s still so very drained. I don’t know how to help her, and I don’t want to try. That’s not my job. I’m there to comfort her, to pass on my strength to her. And she needs me now more than she has ever needed me, and in a way I need to be needed by her. She’s quiet that evening. She sits and watches the television in my arms until sleep tries to take her again. I lay her onto her bed and climb in next to her, she pulls me over so that I’m hugging her back. I reach around and cradle her growing belly and our daughter and we’re a family together like we were always meant to be.
“Thank you,” she says quietly.
“For what??
??
“For caring for me. I don’t deserve it.”
“You have to stop thinking that,” I tell her with a whisper. “That doesn’t matter anymore. You’re loved. You’re forgiven. That’s what matters.”
“I know.”
“Just rest,” I tell her gently. And she does.
In the next episode of Twenty Four Weeks…
Judd visits his family… A dinner date takes an unexpected turn… Wade makes an invitation…
“Chloe has got it into her head that the two of us and the two of you should have dinner together. So, I’m asking.”
“What?”
“Dinner,” he says, like the idea is not a total disaster waiting to happen. “You, me, Quinn, Chloe. When are you two free?”
“I heard you,” I say back sharply. “I just can’t believe you actually asking this.”
“What’s the deal?”
“Words come out of your mouth, but I think sometime you have no idea how they sound. What’s the deal? Do you think that I’m going to sit there between you and Quinn and not lose it completely?”
…
“Thanks,” she says when we’re in the car. “I needed that.”
“You’re welcome,” I say.
Then she laughs. “They knew what we were up to.”
“What? Who?”
“The waiters.”
“Damn it,” I say. “I thought I saw a little smirk when I paid the bill.”
“Don’t worry about it. It was thrilling though, right?”
…
When we’re alone Grant asks me about my personal struggles and I tell him of my progress. He’s pleased and I’m glad I can make him proud of me. I tell him of the dinner with Wade this coming week and he looks at me