He's so weird.
I walk to the table and begin to lay everything out that I need in order to study. I'm pulling out my chair to sit when his apartment door flies open again. I turn around, and he's walking toward the kitchen with a plate in his hands. He puts the pizza in his microwave, presses a few buttons and starts it, and then heads straight toward me. He's doing that intimidating thing again that makes me naturally back away from him, but his table is behind me, and I can't go anywhere.
He reaches me and quickly presses his lips to mine. "I have to go back over there," he says. "You good?"
I nod.
"You need anything?"
I shake my head.
"There's juice and bottled water in the fridge."
"Thanks."
He kisses me briefly again before he releases me and walks out the door.
I fall into my chair.
He's so nice.
I could get used to this.
I pull my notebook in front of me and begin studying. About half an hour passes, and then I get a text from him.
Miles: How's the homework going?
I'm reading the text on my phone, smiling like an idiot. He goes nine days without seeing or texting me, and now he's texting me from twenty feet away.
Me: Good. How's the game going?
Miles: Halftime. We're losing.
Me: Bummer.
Miles: You knew I didn't have cable.
Me: ???
Miles: Earlier, when you yelled at us. You told us to go to my place to watch the game, but you already knew I didn't have cable. I think Ian's suspicious now.
Me: Oh, no. I didn't think about that.
Miles: It's cool. He's just giving me looks, like he knows something is up. Honestly, I don't care if he knows. He knows everything else about me.
Me: I'm surprised you didn't tell him already. Don't all guys kiss and tell?
Miles: Not me, Tate.
Me: I guess you're the exception. Now leave me alone, I have to study.
Miles: Don't come back until I come tell you the game is over.
I lay my phone down on the table, unable to wipe the grin from my face.
*
An hour later, the door to his apartment opens. I look up, and he walks in, shuts the door, and casually falls against it. "Game's over," he says.
I drop my pen. "Perfect timing. I just finished my homework."
His eyes fall to my books, spread out across the table. "Corbin's probably expecting you."
I don't know if that's his way of telling me I should leave or if he's just making conversation. I stand up anyway and begin to gather my books, attempting to hide the disappointment on my face.
He walks straight to me and takes the books out of my hands, setting them back down. He gives them a shove, sliding them a foot away, and then he grabs my waist and pushes me onto the table.
"That doesn't mean I want you to leave," he says firmly, looking me hard in the eyes.
I don't smile this time, because he just made me nervous again. Every time he looks at me with this much intensity, I get nervous.
He slides me to the very edge of the table and stands between my legs. His hands are still on my waist, but his lips are now on my jaw. "I was thinking," he says softly, his breath caressing my neck, covering me in chills. "About tonight and how you've been in class all day." He slides his hands beneath me, lifting me off the table. "And how you work all weekend, every weekend." My legs are wrapped around him now. He's carrying me to his bedroom.
Now he's laying me on his bed.
Now he's on top of me, brushing my hair back, looking me in the eyes. "And I realized that you never have a day off." His mouth is back to my jaw again, kissing it softly between each sentence. "You haven't had a day off since Thanksgiving, have you?"
I shake my head, not understanding why he's talking so much but loving it just the same. His hand slides up under my shirt, and his palm meets my stomach, continuing upward until he's cupping my breast. "You must be really tired, Tate."
I shake my head. "Not really."
I'm lying.
I'm exhausted.
His lips leave my neck, and he looks me in the eyes. "You're lying," he says, brushing his thumb over the thin layer of bra covering my nipple. "I can tell you're tired." He lowers his mouth until it's pressed against mine so softly I barely even feel it. "I just want to kiss you for a few minutes, okay? Then you're going to leave and go get some rest. I don't want you to think I expect something just because we're both home."
His mouth touches mine again, but his lips can't compare to what his words do to me. I never knew thoughtfulness could be such a turn-on.
But oh, my God. It's so hot.
His hand slides beneath my bra, and his mouth invades me. Every time his tongue caresses mine, it makes my head spin. I wonder if that will ever get old.
I know he said he just wanted to kiss me for a few minutes, but his definition of kiss and my definition of kiss are written in two different languages. His mouth is everywhere.
So are his hands.
He pushes my shirt up above my bra, pulling one side of it down until my breast is exposed. He teases me with his tongue, looking up at me while he does it. His mouth is warm, and his tongue is even warmer, causing soft whimpers to escape from me.
He runs his hand down my stomach and lifts slightly off of me, holding his weight up on his elbow. His hand trails over my jeans until he reaches the insides of my thighs. He runs his fingers against the material between my legs, and I let my head fall back and my eyes close.
Good Lord, I love his version of kissing.
He begins to rub his hand over me, pressing firmly against my jeans until my entire body is silently begging for him. His mouth is no longer on my breast. It's on my neck now, and he's kissing, nibbling, sucking, all in one spot, as if he's trying to brand me.
I'm trying to be quiet, but it's impossible when he's creating this amazing friction between us. But that's fine, because he's not being quiet, either. Every time I moan, he groans or sighs or whispers my name. Which is why I'm being so loud, because I love his sounds.
Love them.
His hand quickly moves to the button on my jeans, and he unbuttons them, but he doesn't switch positions or move away from my neck. He pulls my zipper down and slides his hands on top of my panties. He resumes the same movements, only this time they're a million times more intense, and I can instantly tell he isn't going to have to do it for much longer.
My back arches off the bed, and it takes all I have not to pull away from his hand. It's as if he knows exactly the right places to touch that will make me react.
"Christ, Tate. You're so wet." Two of his fingers pull my panties aside. "I want to feel you."
And that's it.
I'm a goner.
His finger slips inside me, but his thumb remains outside, coaxing moans and oh, my Gods and don't stops out of me like I'm a broken record. He kisses me, swallowing all my sounds while my body begins to tremble beneath his hand.
The sensation lasts so long and is so intense I'm afraid to let go of him when it's over. I don't want his hand to leave me. I want to fall asleep like this.
I'm completely still, but we're both breathing so heavily we're unable to move. His mouth is still on mine, and our eyes are closed, but he's not kissing me. After a few moments, he finally pulls his hand out of my pants, then zips and buttons them back up. When I open my eyes, he's slowly sliding his fingers out of his mouth with a grin.
Holy shit.
I'm so glad I'm not standing up right now, or seeing him do that would have made me fall straight to the floor.
"Wow," I say as I exhale. "You're pretty damn good at this."
He smiles even wider. "Why, thank you," he says. He leans forward and kisses my forehead. "Now, go home and get some sleep, girl."
He begins to lift off the bed, and I grab his arms and pull him back down. "Wait," I tell him. I push him onto his back an
d slide on top of him. "That's not really fair to you."
"I'm not keeping score," he says, rolling me onto my back. "Corbin's probably wondering why you're still over here." He stands up and grabs my wrists to pull me up with him. He pulls me against him close enough for me to tell he isn't at all ready for me to leave yet.
"If Corbin says anything, I'll just tell him I didn't want to leave until I was finished with my homework."
Miles shakes his head. "You need to go back, Tate," he says. "He thanked me for protecting you from Dillon earlier. How do you think he'd feel if he knew I only did that because I was being selfish and wanted you all to myself?"
I shake my head. "I don't care how he'd feel. It's not his business."
Miles brings his hands to my cheeks. "I care. He's my friend. I don't want him to find out what a hypocrite I am." He kisses my forehead and pulls me out of the bedroom before I can respond. He gathers my books and hands them to me when I reach the front door, but before I walk out, he grabs my elbow and stops me. He's staring down at me, but there's something else in his expression this time.
Something in his eyes that isn't desire or want or disappointment or intimidation. It's something unspoken. Something he wants to say to me that he's too afraid to say.
His hands cup my cheeks, and he presses his mouth to mine so hard I hit the frame of the door behind me.
He kisses me so possessively and desperately it would make me sad if only I didn't love it so much. He inhales deeply and pulls away, exhaling slowly, staring me hard in the eyes. He drops his hand and steps back, waiting for me to step into the hallway before he closes his door.
I have no idea what that was, but I need more of it.
I somehow make my legs move, and I walk into Corbin's apartment. Corbin isn't in the living room, so I set my books down on the counter.
I hear Corbin's shower running.
Corbin's in the shower.
I immediately walk out the door and back across the hall and knock. His door swings open so quickly it's as if Miles was still standing in the same spot. He glances over my shoulder at my apartment door.
"Corbin's in the shower," I say.
Miles looks back at me, and before I think he even has time to process my words, he's pulling me inside his apartment. He slams the door shut and shoves me against it, and once again, his mouth is everywhere.
I waste no time, unbuttoning his jeans and pulling them down several inches. His hands take over and pull my pants down completely, along with my underwear. As soon as he slides my feet out of them, he's urging me toward his kitchen table. He spins me around, positioning me until I'm leaning across the table on my stomach.
He reaches between my legs, spreading them farther apart while freeing himself from his jeans. Both of his hands move to my waist and grip tightly. He steadies himself against me and then carefully eases himself inside me. "Oh, God," he groans.
I press my palms flat out on the table. There's nothing to grab hold of, and I desperately need to grab something.
He leans forward, pressing his chest against my back. His breaths are heavy and hot and crashing against my skin. "I have to get a condom."
"Okay," I breathe out.
He hasn't backed away yet, though, and my body naturally wants to take him in the rest of the way. I press myself against him, pushing him further inside me, causing him to dig his fingers into my hips so hard I wince.
"Don't, Tate."
His voice is a warning.
Or a dare.
I do it again, and he groans, quickly pulling out of me completely. His hands are still digging into my hips, and he's still pressed against me--he's just no longer inside me.
"I'm on the pill," I whisper.
He doesn't move.
I close my eyes, needing him to do something. Anything. I'm dying here.
"Tate," he whispers. He doesn't follow it up with anything. We stand quietly still, with him in the same position, poised right outside me.
"Dammit." He releases my waist and finds my hands palms-down on the table. He slides his fingers through mine and squeezes, then buries his face against my neck from behind me. "Brace yourself."
He slams into me so unexpectedly I scream. One of his hands leaves mine, and he brings it to my mouth and covers it. "Shh," he warns. He holds still, giving me a moment to adjust to him inside me.
He pulls out with a moan and slams into me again, causing me to yell out once more. His hand muffles my noises this time.
He repeats his movements.
Harder.
Faster.
He's grunting with every thrust, and I'm making noises I didn't even know I could make. I've never experienced anything like this before.
I didn't know it could be this intense. This raw. This animalistic.
I lower my face and press my cheek against the table.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
I let him fuck me.
*
It's quiet.
It's so quiet, and I don't know if it's because we were both so loud just a few seconds ago or if he just needs a minute to recover.
He's still inside me, but he's finished. He's just not moving. One of his hands is still covering my mouth, the other still squeezing my fingers. His face is still buried against my neck.
But he's so incredibly still I'm afraid to move. I don't even feel him breathing.
The first thing to move is his hand, away from my mouth. He unlocks his fingers from mine and straightens them, pulling them slowly apart from mine. He presses both palms against the table and lifts his face away from my neck. He pulls out of me without a sound.
It's still too quiet, so I don't move.
I hear him as he pulls his pants back into position and zips them.
I hear his footsteps as he walks away.
He's walking away.
His bedroom door slams shut, and I flinch. My cheek and palms and stomach are still flat against his table, but now so are my tears.
They're falling.
Falling, falling, falling, and I can't stop them.
I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. I don't have a clue what the hell is wrong with him, but I have too much pride and too little courage to go find out.
This felt like an end. I'm not sure I was ready for this to be the end. I'm not sure I was ready for there ever to be an end, and I hate myself for allowing my feelings to get to that point.
I'm also angry because here I am, standing in his apartment, looking for my pants, trying to stop my ridiculous tears, still feeling the remnants of him sliding down my leg, and I have no fucking clue why he had to ruin it.
Ruin me.
I finish getting dressed, and I leave.
chapter twenty
MILES
Six years earlier
"You're getting an outie," I tell her. I run my fingers over her bare stomach, and I kiss it. "It's cute."
I press my ear to her skin and close my eyes. "I bet he's lonely in there," I say. "Are you lonely in there, buddy?"
Rachel laughs. "You keep calling him a boy. What if he's a girl?"
I tell Rachel whatever he is, I'll love him the same. I already
love him.
Or her.
Our parents are out of town. We're playing house again, except this time, we aren't really playing. It's kind of serious.
"So what happens if he really does propose to her this time?"
she asks.
I tell her not to worry. I tell her he's not proposing. He would ask me first before he did it. I know that much about him.
"We have to tell them," I say to her.
She nods. She knows we have to tell them. It's been three months. We graduate in two. She's starting to show.
She's getting an outie. It's cute.
"We should tell them tomorrow," I say.
She says okay.
I move away from her stomach and lie beside her. I pull her against me. I touch her face.
"I love you, Rachel,
" I tell her.
She's not as scared now. She tells me she loves me, too.
"You're doing a good job," I say. She doesn't know what I'm talking about, so I grin and touch her stomach. "You're doing a good job growing him. I'm pretty sure you're gonna grow the best baby any woman has ever grown."
She laughs at my silliness.
You love me so much, Rachel.
I look at her--at the girl I gave my heart to--and I wonder how I got so lucky.
I wonder why she loves me just as much as I love her.
I wonder what my dad is going to say when he finds out about us.
I wonder if Lisa will hate me. I wonder if she'll want to take Rachel back to Phoenix.
I wonder how I can convince them that we've got this.
"What are we going to name him?" I ask her.
She's excited when I ask her this. She likes talking about names.
She says if it's a girl, she wants to name her Claire. After her grandmother.
I tell her I wish I knew her grandmother. I want to know the woman my daughter will be named after. She tells me her grandmother would have loved me. I tell her I love the name Claire.
"What if he's a boy?" I ask.
"You can pick the boy name," she says.
I tell her that's a lot of pressure. I tell her he'll have to live with his name the rest of his life. She says, "Then you'd better pick a good one."
I'd better pick a good one.
"One that means something to you," she says.
One that means something to me.
I tell her I have the perfect name for him.
She wants to know what it is. I tell her I'm not telling her. I'll tell her his name after it becomes his name.
After he's born.
She tells me I'm insane. She says she refuses to give birth to our baby until she knows his name.
I laugh. I tell her she has no choice.
She tells me I'm crazy.
You love that about me, Rachel.
chapter twenty-one
TATE
I worked all weekend, so I haven't seen or spoken to Miles since Thursday night. I keep telling myself it's for the best, but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it with the way I've been letting it eat at me. Tonight is Monday, and it's the first of three days when Corbin won't be home and Miles will be. I know he knows Corbin is gone, but based on the way he left things Thursday, I doubt he cares much. I half expected that he would eventually explain if I did something wrong or at least tell me what upset him so much, but the last I got from him was the slam of his bedroom door after he walked away.