“Oh, monkey,” I cooed, sitting up to pull him onto what was left of my lap. “It’s okay.”
He mumbled something back that I couldn’t understand then began to sob as I rocked him back and forth.
“Son, it’s time to go, if you’re going,” I heard Mike say from the hallway, making my body go cold.
“Give Auntie Kate a kiss, guys. It’s time to go,” Shane called out as he stepped toward the bed.
“No,” Keller replied as Sage’s face grew terrified. She looked between me and Shane, her lower lip quivering.
“Give me a smooch, sweet thing,” I teased, my voice hitching. “Time to go.”
As she leaned over and gave me a quick kiss, wrapping her arms around where I held Gavin, I closed my eyes and tried to get my emotions under control. Sobbing would only make their departure harder for them, and I couldn’t let that happen.
Sage crawled off the bed and walked to the door without looking back, dodging the hand that Shane held out to her.
“Give me a kiss, monkey,” I said into Gavin’s ear as he hiccuped. “You get to ride on an airplane!”
“Don’t wanna.”
“You love to fly! I bet the flight attendants will even give you some pretzels if you use your manners.”
Ellie came into the room then, and I widened my eyes at her strained face. “Come on, Gavie,” she called, picking Gavin up off my lap after another quick kiss. “Grandma will help you buckle your seat.”
“Mama!” Gunner yelled as I watched Ellie carry Gavin out the door. “Annie! Mama! Mama!”
“No more, bud,” I told him with a small sniffle, setting the small bowl of marshmallows to the side as I kept Keller in the corner of my eyesight. He’d climbed off the bed and was standing rigidly across from Shane.
“Can I have a kiss?” I asked Gunner, pulling him toward me.
“No! Mama!” He twisted and turned, pissed at me for not giving him more marshmallows. Before I could get him settled, he was plucked out of my arms.
“Mamas are marshmallows?” Shane asked, a weird look on his face.
I nodded. I couldn’t even speak to him.
“We’ll get you some mamas for the car, bud,” Shane mumbled, rubbing Gunner’s back as he met my eyes. “I’ll take him to the car. Come on, Kell,” he ordered, his voice absent of any emotion.
“No. I’m staying with Auntie Kate,” Keller argued mutinously.
“Keller,” Shane warned with a stern look before walking out the door with my baby.
“Mama! Annie! Annie! Mama!” Gunner yelled fearfully, trying to pull away from Shane. He still wasn’t quite comfortable with his daddy, and my stomach turned as he began to cry.
When they disappeared from view, I turned to Keller, tears rolling down my face.
“I’m going to stay with you,” he said, reaching out to wipe at my face with his grubby fingers. “Don’t cry.”
His words only made the tears come faster.
“You gotta go, baby,” I argued. “Your dad wants you with him. He’s missed you like crazy.”
“He can take Sage and Gavie and Gunner.” He straightened as we heard Shane’s footsteps thudding back down the hallway. “And I’ll just stay with you.”
“Let’s go, bud,” Shane said resolutely as he stopped in the doorway.
“I’m staying here.”
“No, you’re not. Get in the car, Keller.”
“No.”
Shane started toward us, his jaw flexing, and Keller scrambled up behind me on the bed.
“No!” he screamed, cleaving my heart in two. “Don’t!”
Shane gently but firmly pulled Keller away as he grasped at me, pulling at my shirt and arms.
“Don’t let him take me!” he shouted, his eyes dry but his voice filled with panic. “Auntie Kate! Auntie Kate! Please! Please!”
He fought Shane. God, he fought hard. But he was no match for a full-grown man.
I dug my fingernails into my thighs as I called back to him, trying to calm him in the only way I could. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. I’ll call you tonight. I love you! You’re okay.”
They left the room, and I sat silently listening as Keller screamed the entire way to the car. I had no choice.
I was almost thirty years old, and I’d never hated anyone until that moment.
Chapter 11
Kate
I knew that time had passed since Shane had taken my kids away, but I wasn’t sure how long it had been. It felt like an eternity. The light beyond my closed eyelids slowly disappeared as the sun fell out of the sky, and at some point someone had turned on the lamp sitting on the nightstand next to my bed, but I didn’t open my eyes to find out who had done it. I didn’t care.
I couldn’t move. I could barely breathe. My limbs were so heavy that I wasn’t even sure that I’d be able to roll over. I wondered if this was what it felt like to be dead.
Family came in and out of the bedroom, checking on me and talking in low whispers that they thought I couldn’t hear. Maybe they thought I was asleep, but I wasn’t. Not at any point. I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to sleep again.
Keller’s screams replayed over and over in my ears until I dragged my arm over the side of my head, pushing my biceps hard against my ear. It didn’t help. I could still hear him. I could see the way his frantic eyes had met mine as he’d kicked and screamed.
Finally, blessedly, the sounds melted away until there was only white noise. Everything was blank, almost like I was floating between sleep and wakefulness.
“I’m just gonna keep you company, sis,” my dad’s voice said, floating past the emptiness. The sounds of something heavy hitting the carpet were followed by rustling and the sigh of relief my dad always made as he sat down.
Then there was nothing again.
Voices came and went. Someone brushed my hair back from my face, but I still didn’t move.
Iris squirmed restlessly then must have gone to sleep. My belly tightened on and off, but it didn’t hurt, so I ignored it.
“I wish Alex was here,” Ani said softly, lying down on the bed next to me.
I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or not, but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want Alex. I didn’t want my dad who wouldn’t leave the room or my mom who sat at the foot of the bed rubbing my feet. I didn’t want Ani or Bram or my uncle and aunt, who’d stopped by for a while but hadn’t stayed. It had to have been weird for them, knowing that a man they considered their son had done this to me.
Our family dynamics were so odd; I wondered sometimes how the outside world saw us.
Me, Bram, Alex, Trevor, and Ellie and Mike’s other son Henry had all grown up together since we were kids. We acted, looked, and felt like cousins even though our appearances were so different. Over the years, we’d even picked up facial expressions from our parents that strengthened the similarities. Shane and Anita, though, had come in when most of us were almost grown. They were considered ours, but they didn’t share our history or have the same type of bond—which was probably a good thing considering the fact that Shane had gotten me pregnant, and Anita and Bram…I didn’t even know what the hell to say about them. Something was going on between them, just below the surface, but neither of them talked about it.
Anita shifted beside me, and I wanted to scream at her to leave me alone. I didn’t want to feel her moving or hear her murmuring to Bram. I wanted to be nothing. I wanted to find my blank spot and stay there so that my chest didn’t feel like it was breaking open each time I inhaled. If not for the baby nestled below my heart, I’m not sure what I would have done to find that place.
“What the fuck do you want?” Bram’s voice rumbled from somewhere below the bed. He must have been sitting on the floor, but I didn’t bother to open my eyes to check. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. “Fuck you, douchebag,” Bram said. He needed to go away if he was going to talk on the phone.
“Not as easy as you thought to take a kid from the only mother he??
?s ever known, huh?” Bram said nastily.
“Bram, is that Shane?” my mom asked in confusion.
Bile rose in my throat, and I tried valiantly to swallow it back down. Oh God, I couldn’t breathe. Bram nodded, and my throat closed up.
“Hold on,” Bram ordered into the phone. “Katiebear, Shane’s on the phone.”
“What’s wrong?” I choked out, uncovering my head. I’d been lying there so long that my arm was completely numb and I could barely move it.
“He said Gunner’s upset, and he can’t get him calmed down,” Bram said, pushing himself up off the floor.
I didn’t even realize I was crying until I nodded and the air hit the wet spots on my cheeks. “Hey, Dad,” I said, my voice hoarse, “can you grab my guitar for me?”
I pushed awkwardly against the mattress and sat up with Ani’s help as my dad opened up my guitar case in the corner. I only knew of one way that Gunner would settle down so late at night. Inhaling a shaky breath, I dug my fingertips into my eyes, trying to control the feeling of helplessness. My baby was crying for me, and I couldn’t hold him or rub his back—but this, I could do this.
“Ask him to put the phone on speaker, okay?” I said to Bram, my voice catching on the last word. My belly went hard as a rock and pain hit me with the force of a sledgehammer as I took the guitar from my dad and rested it on my thighs. I breathed through my nose for a minute as I pretended to get situated. I could barely reach the strings with my massive belly in the way. “Put yours on speaker, too, brother,” I said, watching as Bram nodded and hit the SPEAKERPHONE button before setting his phone on the bed.
An involuntary whimper left my throat as the sound of my crying boys filled the room. It wasn’t just Gunner. Gavin was crying, too.
“Hey, monkey,” I called out above the noise, my voice breaking. “Gunner? Gavin? Where are my monkeys?”
Slowly the noise through the speaker decreased.
“Annie?” Gunner cried. Oh God, he sounded scared.
“Hey, baby,” I said, lifting my hand to cover my eyes. If I didn’t see the room I was in, maybe I could pretend they were right there with me. “Why are you crying, huh?”
“Annie,” Gunner whined.
“You have to sit quiet, okay?” I called, my hands shaking. “Gavin, you ready?”
“Yeah.” Gavin’s voice came through shrill.
“Are Keller and Sage there?”
“Yeah.”
I began strumming Gunner’s favorite song and shuddered as the little voices went silent. I almost stopped again just so I could hear them. Closing my eyes again, I started to sing. My voice was deeper than normal, raspy and breaking, but it didn’t matter. My stomach tightened and my breath caught at the sharp pain that seemed to be pulsing between my hips, making my shoulders curve inward as my body began to shake, but I still didn’t stop singing.
Those were contractions, I thought as the pain started to ebb. I’m going into labor.
All of a sudden, Sage’s voice came through the speaker, high and clear, singing along with the chorus. My chin hit my chest as I tried not to sob. Labor could wait.
I shuddered in pain when another contraction hit, and I felt a gush of liquid between my legs just as the song came to a close, but my fingers didn’t stop moving along the strings of the guitar as I segued into a new one. I wasn’t ready to stop even though the kids seemed to have settled down. I couldn’t bear to hang up the phone and cut the only connection I had with them.
Bram staggered back against the wall as my voice cracked, but I ignored him. I just kept playing, until suddenly, Shane was speaking into the phone.
I grit my teeth as my fingers suddenly went numb.
“They’re asleep,” he said quietly. “Thanks, Ka—”
Bram grabbed his phone from where it was lying on the bed and threw it hard against the wall, cutting off Shane’s words and shattering it into a million little pieces.
“You’re probably going to need that,” I said, letting my guitar fall forward as I reached for Bram’s hand.
“I’ll get a new one,” he replied.
“That’s good, because my water just broke and someone needs to call Alex,” I said quietly, my lips trembling as a mix of excitement and terror warred with my devastation. I hadn’t been able to say good-bye.
“You’re an idiot,” he said with a smile, shaking his head as our dad rounded the bed and picked me up, cradling me in his arms.
“You’re an idiot,” I taunted back weakly over Dad’s shoulder as my mom said something about getting me in the shower.
My stomach cramped again, and my dad’s arms tightened around me as my entire body froze in agony. “You’re all right, Katiebear,” he said softly, setting me on my feet in the bathroom. “She’s coming a bit early, but everything’s gonna be just fine.”
He was wrong. I didn’t think anything would ever be fine again.
Chapter 12
Shane
I fucked up. Bad.
I finally dropped to the couch with a sigh and rubbed my hands over my face. I had no idea what to do.
When I’d decided to take the kids home with me, I hadn’t done it out of spite. Fuck, if anything I’d thought I was doing the right thing.
My children belonged with me, end of story. And I hated that Kate had to stay in Oregon, but that wasn’t my fucking fault. I’d warned her, I’d made it clear that I didn’t think she should take the kids there in the first place, and now look what had happened.
I’d had to take four heartbroken kids back to California while we left her behind.
I’d known that it would be an adjustment for the little ones. Kate had been taking care of them for as long as they could remember, and I felt like a stranger. I got that. I did. But I hadn’t anticipated that my oldest two would completely hate me. Sage wasn’t talking—not to anyone—and Keller was as rabid as a junkyard dog.
The baby would be born soon, and Kate would be able to come back home. I’d planned on her coming back when I’d made the decision to bring the kids with me—but I hadn’t planned for the shit show I’d just participated in.
It was as if I’d stolen my own children.
A knock on the front door startled me, and I shot to my feet to see who it was. Midnight was pretty late to be showing up on someone’s doorstep.
“Alex?” I asked in surprise. “What the hell are you doing in Oceanside?”
“Lots to talk about, champ. Can I come in?”
“Yeah, yeah, come on in.”
I watched in confusion as he dropped a duffel by the front door and shuffled toward the kitchen.
“You have beer?” he called back quietly.
“I have no idea. I just got here.”
“Yeah I heard,” he answered, coming back toward me with two beers in his hands.
“What’s going on?” I asked as he tossed one to me.
“Oh, I’m pretty sure you know why I’m here.”
“Kate,” I replied, dropping back down onto the couch.
“What the fuck is going on, Shane? This seems low, even for you.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“You’ve never been crazy about Kate—we’ve all seen that. So why the hell did you sleep with her?”
“We were drunk,” I sputtered.
“Try again. You’re not eighteen, and you weren’t at a frat party.”
“I don’t see how this is any of your business.”
“Well, see, that’s the thing.” Alex sat forward and rested his elbows against his knees. “Bram and I have been watching out for sis since she was eight years old. We’ve patched her up and defended her honor more times than you could count. Hell, we almost went to jail for her when that little fucker of a foster kid tried to rape her—”
“What?” I shouted, coming off the couch.
“Oh calm down, idiot. He didn’t get far, and that was years ago.”
“When?”
“Well, let’s see…she was ab
out twelve, I think. Long before you came around.”
“Christ.”
“We’re getting off topic,” Alex said with a shake of his head.
“Why the fuck would no one ever tell me that?” I asked, furious.
“What the hell is it to you? Up until about nine months ago, you didn’t care if Kate dropped dead in the middle of the street.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“No, that’s the truth,” he shot back, his fists clenching. “Oh, I know all about that shit when we were kids—you hanging out with Kate, taking what you wanted from her and giving nothing back. Hell, we all saw that. But Kate is Kate, and she begged us not to step in. For some unknown reason she continued to trust blindly even after what that little shit had done years before…and for that you fucked her right the hell over, didn’t you?”
“It wasn’t like that,” I argued, my face heating.
“Oh, it was exactly like that. You didn’t want sweet Kate. She wasn’t cool enough for you. Hot enough for you. Whatever, man, that was your deal. But you strung her along for years before she finally got rid of you…but she didn’t, not really.”
I crushed the beer can in my hand, making beer pour out all over the floor.
“Oh, no. You had to twist the knife a little farther, right? Had to have your last coup de grâce. So instead of walking the fuck away, you went for her best friend. Hell, her only friend back then. The one that finally made her feel cool. The only girl she’d ever met who took her at face value and didn’t see anything wrong with her.”
“I fell in love with her!” I hissed. “What the fuck was I supposed to do, just drop Rachel because Kate didn’t like it?”
“Yes,” he answered simply, taking the breath from my lungs. “You should have never started that shit in the first place, but hey, we were all young and stupid once, right? It’s the shit you’ve done since then that makes you a fucking loser.”
“I haven’t done anything to Kate. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You have no idea.” He shook his head and leaned back against the chair, staring at the ceiling. “Jesus, I didn’t realize you were that stupid.”