I’d closed my eyes as soon as I’d heard my pleading words, but finally opened them when the recording shut off and the kitchen was silent.
Shane was frozen, staring down at Bram’s phone like it was about to explode. His face was slack and his eyes wide and filled with tears.
“Goddammit, Bram,” I yelled, turning to shove him backward. “What the fuck is the matter with you!”
“How the fuck are you going to make that right?” Bram said contemptuously, stepping out of my reach to glare at Shane.
Bram looked back to me, but there was no apology in his expression. “You deserve better.”
Bram reached out to touch me, but I pulled away sharply. I was so angry and embarrassed I could have hit him. He shook his head before turning on his heel and storming out of the room.
“Kate, I—” Shane’s voice shook, but at that moment, I heard someone pull up in front of the house. I raised my hand to stop his words and listened carefully before walking quickly to the front door.
There was a silver mini van that I didn’t recognize parked in the driveway, but the glare on the windshield hid the driver from my view. They turned off the engine but didn’t climb out. Then suddenly the back door slid open and a little body was tumbling out and running for me.
“Auntie Kate!” Keller screamed. “I’m here! Auntie Kate!”
I ran across the porch, ignoring the ache between my legs, and met him at the bottom of the steps, crouching as tears rolled down my face.
“I missed you,” I cried as his body hit mine—his arms and legs wrapping around me like a vise. “Oh, buddy, I missed you so much.”
“I came back,” he said quietly into my ear. “I missed you too much.”
“This is the best day ever,” I replied, reaching out behind me to steady myself as I sat down on the bottom stair.
I looked up as my brother Alex stepped out of the car with a small smile, then walked back to the other door and opened it wide. It took a few moments before anything happened, and then first Gavin, then Sage, and finally Gunner were racing for me, rubbing their eyes and looking tired.
“Hi!” I called, laughing as I cried.
“Annie!” Gunner shouted, tripping on the gravel and climbing right up again to run, only this time sobbing from the small scratches he’d gotten on his palms. “Annie! Annie!”
Gavin and Sage reached me first, hugging me tightly, their little hands pulling at my shirt.
“Hey, hey,” I crooned as they held me tight, reaching out to pull Gunner onto my lap. “It’s okay, guys.”
“Gavin peed in his car seat, and Uncle Alex had to cover it with a garbage bag!” Keller announced.
“It was an anccident!” Gavin cried back, his face turning red. “Anccindents happen, Keller!”
“He’s right, bud,” I told Keller sternly. “You wouldn’t want Gavin making fun of you.”
“I made you a bracelet,” Sage said quietly, reaching in her pocket and pulling out a jumble of embroidery thread.
“Thanks, princess!” I reached out so she could tie it on my wrist.
“Baby?” Gunner asked abruptly in confusion, pushing on my still-squishy belly.
“Where’s Iris?” Keller yelled, his head snapping back.
My face ached, I was smiling so hard, as I answered in a stage whisper, “She’s in the house with Uncle Mike and Auntie Liz.”
“She came out?” Gavin asked, eyes wide.
“Yep!”
The kids scrambled off me, and we turned to head toward the house—then froze.
Shane was standing outside the closed front door, completely wrecked. “You guys going to go in to see Iris?” he asked softly, looking between us, but never meeting my eyes. “You have to be really calm and quiet so you don’t scare her, okay? She’s really small.”
The kids gave their agreement, and he pushed the door open so we could pass him. I let the children go first, but when I tried to move past, he halted me with a hand gripping my hip.
“I’m sorry, Katiebear,” he leaned down and whispered in my ear. “I won’t ever do it again.” I stood frozen as his breath fanned over my cheek and jolted as his lips brushed over mine.
Before I could pull away, he was moving farther onto the porch and pulling the door closed between us.
“That guy loves you,” Alex told me from a few feet away.
“Hey, brother,” I greeted, hugging him tight. “Thank you for bringing the kids up.”
“He does, you know.”
“Have you seen the baby yet?” I asked, ignoring his words.
“Nah, I was waiting for you,” he answered with a cheeky smile.
“She’s gorgeous,” I gushed, pulling him toward the family room where I was pretty sure my parents were hiding. “Bald, but I’ve heard that goes away at some point…”
I was giddy as I reached the family room and found my mom holding Iris while the kids crowded around, staring at her and pointing out different things. Gavin wanted to know why she was wrapped so tight, Keller wanted to take her hat off, Sage wanted to hold her, and Gunner poked gently at her face over and over again, saying “nose.”
It was like Christmas and Halloween and every birthday I’d ever had all rolled together. It may have been the best moment of my life.
* * *
“If you sleep in here, Iris will wake you up,” I warned Keller as the kids and I looked down at Iris, who was lying on my bed. “She has to eat a lot.”
“I can make her bottles,” he replied stubbornly.
There was a movie playing on the TV across the room, and while Sage and Gavin had been in and out all day, Keller and Gunner had barely left my side.
“Bedtime,” Shane called, making Keller stiffen as he walked into the room. “You guys have fifteen more minutes.”
“I’m sleeping in here,” Keller told him mutinously. “I’m going to make Iris her bottles.”
“Uh, I don’t think Iris has any bottles, bud,” Shane said, glancing quickly at my breasts.
“Then what does she eat?” Gavin asked me curiously, never looking away from his baby sister.
“Well, she’s breast-fed,” I told the kids calmly, trying to keep a straight face. I’d sneaked away during the day to feed Iris since there was no way to really do it discreetly when we were still working on her latch. I hadn’t wanted to flash Alex and Dad my boobs.
“What?” Keller asked in confusion.
“Auntie Kate feeds her with her boobs!” Sage answered before I could, snickering.
“Gross!”
“Ew!”
“Goss!”
The boys’ faces showed varying levels of disgust, and I couldn’t stop the laughter that poured from my mouth. “It’s just like animals, guys.”
“That’s so weird. I think she wants a bottle instead,” Keller told me seriously.
“Breast-feeding is good for her, buddy,” I assured him.
“Okay, time for bed,” Shane called in amusement from the foot of the bed.
Gunner immediately began to cry like his heart was breaking and scrambled into my lap, startling Iris awake and causing her to accompany his howls with her own. Suddenly my breasts felt funny.
“You wet,” Gunner hiccuped after a moment, leaning against my chest. “Wet, Annie.”
I looked down and felt my face flush. What an awesome time for my milk to freaking come in.
“Shit,” I hissed.
“Shit,” Gunner repeated.
“Come on, guys,” Shane called out, trying to keep the laughter out of his voice. “Let’s go.”
Gavin, Sage, and Keller moved slowly off the bed, grumbling. I smiled when both boys crossed their arms over their chests in annoyance.
“I’ll be right here when you wake up,” I assured them over Iris’s cries. “Go to sleep, and tomorrow you guys can help me give Iris a bath.”
Shane herded them out of the room while I sat Gunner down next to me and reached for a tiny diaper on the bedside table.
r /> “She’s probably wet,” I told him as I started pulling up her little nightgown. “She doesn’t like getting her pants changed, though.”
“Peen?” he asked as I whipped Iris’s wet diaper off and slid the dry one under her.
“Yeah, she doesn’t have one, does she? Girls don’t have a penis like boys. You’re a boy, and Iris is a girl.”
“I didn’t realize we’d be having a birds-and-bees talk with Gunner at twenty-one months old,” Shane said softly from the doorway.
“Yeah, well, the little man is curious,” I retorted, lifting Iris and rubbing her back.
“Want me to take him?”
Gunner was lying down by that point with the pointer and middle fingers of one hand in his mouth and his eyes drooping.
“No, he can stay in here,” I answered, lying down beside him and placing Iris between us. “I still need to feed the baby, and it’ll be easier for him to fall asleep if he’s in here with us.”
Iris began turning her face toward my chest, and my face heated as I realized Shane wasn’t planning on going anywhere.
“Do you mind?” I asked in irritation, pulling at the nursing tank top I was wearing.
“Not at all,” he answered with a smile, walking farther into the room.
I blocked him out as I pulled down my wet tank top and moved Iris’s head toward my nipple. We weren’t pros at getting her to latch right yet, but I thought she may be getting the hang of it.
The room went silent as she finally started to nurse, and I felt my entire body relax into the bed.
“Baby,” Gunner murmured around his fingers, reaching out to touch Iris’s head.
“You’re getting to be such a big boy,” I whispered back, running the tips of my fingers down his arm. “Time to sleep, monkey.”
After a few minutes, he pulled his hand back and curled it into his chest, falling asleep. When it was time to put Iris on my other breast, I slid my finger into her mouth and unlatched her before sitting up.
I glanced to my side to find Shane taking a photo with his phone, which had me scrambling to cover my bare breast. I’d known he was there, but I had kind of ignored it as I’d snuggled with the babies.
“I just wanted one of Gunner and Iris,” he said softly before putting the phone back in his pocket. “Here, let’s get you out of that wet shirt.”
He grabbed one of my camisoles off the end of the bed and moved toward me, throwing the shirt over his shoulder. “Come on, I’ll help you. I know you’re sore.”
“I can do it,” I replied, reaching for the shirt on his shoulder.
“Just—please, Kate? Just let me help you.”
“Turn around,” I ordered, making his shoulders slump in defeat.
“I’ve already seen everything,” Shane mumbled once his back was turned. “So this is kind of ridiculous.”
“Yeah, well, that’s when I was being your doormat. No more tits for you.”
He barked out a quiet laugh, and I rolled my eyes, peeling my tank top down over my hips so I didn’t have to try to pull it up and over my sore breasts.
“You were never a doormat, Katie,” he said seriously, turning around before I was ready. “You were—you just loved me.”
I opened my mouth to reply when Iris squawked on the bed.
“I need to finish feeding her,” I said, turning away and climbing onto the bed. Iris and I seemed to work best if I was lying down and she was pulled in against me, so I lifted her up and lay between her and Gunner. When we were situated, Shane took a few steps closer to the bed and climbed in behind Iris.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I asked in astonishment. The man must have brass balls.
“I’m not going to touch you,” he assured me, his face reddening. “I just—I wanted to be close for a minute, okay? I haven’t really got to see her much…”
Shane’s eyes left mine and landed on the small baby lying between us. He reached out and ran his finger over the back of her neck, making her startle a little.
“She’s really beautiful,” he commented, his voice almost a whisper. “Some babies, well, remember Keller? Some babies are cute just because they’re so small even though they look like a gremlin.”
I laughed a little. Keller had been such a homely baby.
“But she’s really gorgeous. She could model for baby food or something.”
“Our daughter isn’t modeling for anything.”
“Oh hell no. I just meant, well you know, she could.” His eyes met mine again. “Katie, I—”
“Don’t, Shane,” I cut in. “Just leave it for right now.”
“I want you to come home with us.”
“Shut up, Shane.”
“You belong at home with us. We’re your family.”
“Oh, you just decided this now?” I argued, clenching my jaw. “Kids weren’t so easy when you didn’t have help?”
“That’s got nothing to do with—”
“Sure it does. You couldn’t do it on your own, so now you’re hoping that I’ll come back and play nanny for you again. Fuck you.” I hissed as Iris’s mouth went slack and she slid off my nipple.
He reached out and grabbed my jaw firmly but gently when I tried to move away.
“I—” His words faltered as he stared at me, and his mouth opened and closed a few times before he shut his eyes in defeat. “I want you with us in San Diego,” he told me as I pulled away and scooped Iris up against my chest before crawling off the bed. “The kids and I want you with us.”
“Low blow,” I murmured as I set Iris down in her bassinet.
“It wasn’t meant to be a low blow. Christ, Kate. You want to be there, too.”
“I can’t go back to how it was before, Shane. You—” I closed my eyes and swallowed down the lump forming in my throat. “I had to just let you drag them away kicking and screaming.”
“I won’t ever do it again,” he assured me, taking a step forward. “I promise.”
“Yeah, well your promises mean very little to me,” I replied flatly. “Can you bring Gunner into the playpen in the kids’ room?”
“Yeah.” He sighed and picked Gunner’s limp-as-a-noodle body off the bed. “Just think about it, okay?”
I nodded and watched as he walked Gunner into the hallway. Then, overwhelmed, I crawled into bed and brought my hand to my mouth to cover my sobs.
I didn’t have to think about anything. I’d follow my children to California.
I was just terrified that I’d lose what little was left of me once I was there.
Chapter 14
Kate
Do you think this is the best idea?” my mom asked as she helped me pack up Iris’s clothes. “Why don’t you wait a couple of weeks and then Dad and I can drive you down—”
“I don’t want to be away from the kids that long,” I murmured back, zipping up the diaper bag.
“Well, why don’t they stay here with you? Then all of us can go—”
“Mom,” I cut in, “Sage and Keller start school in four days. They need to get back to Oceanside.”
“I don’t see why you can’t at least fly back. You’re not ready for a drive that long. You just gave birth, for goodness’ sake.”
“Iris can’t be around so many people yet. Her immune system isn’t ready for that.”
“Well, this is just ridiculous,” she huffed, zipping one of the suitcases closed.
“Hello, hello, hello!” Anita called, walking into the room. “So you’re really going, huh?”
“Yeah, we’re going to leave in the morning. Early. Hopefully the kids will sleep the first couple of hours,” I replied, wrapping my arms around her and dropping my forehead to her shoulder. “I’m already exhausted.”
“I bet. How’s my baby doing today?”
“Awesome. Dad’s got her in the living room. I think he and the kids are watching a movie.”
“Uh, Dad and the big kids were walking toward the creek when I got here.”
; I looked at her in confusion and moved around her, making my way out of the room and down the short hallway to the living room. When I got there, my heart thumped hard in my chest.
“I would have stolen her from Dad,” Anita murmured, patting me on the back as she passed me.
Shane was sitting in my dad’s recliner, and on his lap was Iris—completely unwrapped from her blanket and partially stripped of her clothes.
“I’m sorry,” Shane blurted as I moved closer. “I was trying to follow your lead, but I—I just wanted to hold her.”
“Is there a reason she’s half naked?” I asked quietly as I reached them.
His face reddened as he began to clumsily press her feet back into her pajamas. “I just wanted to check things out. Count toes and all that. I hadn’t really had the chance to…Well, I hadn’t gotten a good look at her yet.”
I watched but made no move to help him as he buttoned her back up, misaligning the little snaps and having to redo them twice. He wrapped her up like a pro when he was finished, and as he pulled her close to his chest, I sat down wearily on the couch behind me.
“You hadn’t held her?” I asked softly, watching him gently rub her back.
“I didn’t think you wanted me to—”
“I don’t mind.”
“Thank you. I just miss so much with the kids, you know?” He glanced at me, and I nodded. “I don’t want to miss anything else if I can help it. She’s been right here, and I didn’t want to piss you off, but I wanted—I needed to hold her. She probably doesn’t even know who I am.”
“She doesn’t know who anyone is. She’s four days old.”
“She knows who you are,” he argued.
“That’s because I have the goods,” I said, gesturing at my chest.
“No, she knows your voice and your smell. She instantly calms down when you have her. It’s the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.”
“You have four other children, that’s not a new phenomenon.”
“I know,” he said softly, meeting my eyes. “Gunner did the same thing. The minute you had him, he was happy.”
“Sage, Keller, and Gavin were that way with Rachel, too.”
“I guess I wasn’t paying attention.” He gave me a sad smile and shook his head. “I didn’t pay attention to a lot of shit I should have.”