“This isn’t a good idea,” I whispered back, staring at the sliver of light coming through my bedroom door.
“Just sleep, baby,” he said gently, smoothing my hair off my face and neck. “She’ll be ready to eat again soon. Sleep for a little while.”
I didn’t think I’d be able to fall asleep with his warm body behind me, but it was only minutes before I was completely passed out.
“Shhh,” I woke to hear Shane whispering near the end of my bed. “Daddy’s going to just change your diaper so you’re all clean before you eat. You don’t want to eat your breakfast in wet drawers, do you?”
I opened my eyes slightly and looked down to see Shane trying to wrangle Iris into a clean diaper. He wasn’t having a very easy time of it as she squirmed and flexed her legs.
“Come on, sis. We can do this. I need your mama to be happy with me. Help me out a little, would you?”
I snorted, and Shane’s head popped up. When he met my eyes, his face flushed. “How long have you been awake?”
“Not long,” I rasped back, groggily. “My boobs are hard as rocks.”
“Yeah, she slept for almost four hours. She must have worn herself out last night,” Shane said, carrying Iris to me.
I fiddled with the little snap on the front of my tank top and blearily pulled down one side as Iris began to squawk. My eyes were still barely open as he laid her down next to me, and I startled as I felt a cool fingertip run over my nipple.
“They’re darker,” Shane said roughly as he turned Iris toward me.
“Like a bull’s-eye,” I mumbled, finally using one arm to situate Iris and get her nursing.
Shane barked out a quiet laugh, and I smiled. In the hazy place between sleep and wakefulness, everything was right in the world.
“She looks like you,” he murmured, running his finger over Iris’s cheek. “Her eyes and her nose.”
“She’s got your skin,” I said back, closing my tired eyes. Four hours hadn’t been enough sleep.
After a little while, I woke back up to Shane disengaging Iris from my nipple and instructing me to turn over. After a little maneuvering, I was on my opposite side, and Iris was once again nursing.
“It’s okay, baby,” Shane said as I tried to keep my eyes open. “Just sleep.”
“You’ll stay?” I asked as I relaxed my head into the pillow.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he answered as I fell back asleep with Iris’s tiny little fingers digging into the skin of my breast.
* * *
“I’m awake,” I mumbled as Sage came barreling into my room the next morning.
“Daddy’s making breakfast,” she told me excitedly, climbing onto the bed. “And Gunner pooped while he was sleeping. It got everywhere. So disgusting.”
“Are you happy to be home, Sage the Rage?” I asked, pulling her closer and wrapping my arms around her.
“Yeah, now that you’re here.”
“Your dad was just trying to do what he thought was best,” I said, giving her a squeeze. “You know that, right?”
“Yeah, but it sucked.”
“I agree, kiddo.”
“Hey, Auntie Kate?” she said softly.
“Yeah, princess?”
“Who’s Iris’s dad?”
My breath caught in my throat as I was blindsided by her question. It had been months since any of the kids had mentioned Iris’s dad, but I shouldn’t have assumed I’d have more time. Sage was almost nine—she wouldn’t be held off with bullshit much longer.
“I’m Iris’s dad,” Shane said cautiously from the doorway, holding the girl we’d been discussing. “But you probably figured that out, huh?”
He made his way into the room and sat down next to us.
“Yeah, I thought so,” Sage said calmly. “You act like her dad.”
“Well, I can’t help that,” Shane said with a small smile.
“Whatcha thinkin’, Sage?” I asked after she’d been quiet for a few minutes.
“Are you going to get married?”
“No,” I answered decisively before Shane could speak. His teeth snapped shut, and I could see the muscle in his jaw tensing.
“Can I tell Keller?”
“Uh, I guess so,” I mumbled, becoming more uncomfortable by the second.
Sage scrambled off the bed and ran for the door before turning back with a weird look on her face. “So Iris is my sister.”
“Yes,” Shane replied firmly.
“Awesome,” Sage said back, doing a little dance before running into the hallway.
“Keller’s going to have questions,” I mumbled, sitting up in bed.
“Probably.”
“What will we tell him?” I asked, fidgeting.
Shane’s eyes met mine. “That I’m Iris’s dad and you’re her mom. It’s simple, Katie. He doesn’t need any more than that.”
“He’s going to be confused,” I argued.
“I think he’ll understand far more than you give him credit for.”
We went silent as we heard the sound of multiple little feet stomping up the stairs. Sage had obviously shared the news. I braced myself for the onslaught.
Chapter 15
Shane
I pushed myself harder as I ran past the gas station a few miles from our house, and cursed under my breath as one of my earbuds fell out of my ear.
I didn’t have time to slow down as I pulled it back up. Kate was home with all the kids, and I’d hated the look she’d given me as I walked out the front door. She was exhausted—with good reason—and I knew she was dreading the fact that I had to be at work early the next morning. I’d taken as much time as I could, but duty called—at least for the next two weeks.
I had to go back in and get squared away before I could take my post-deployment leave. There was no getting around it, as much as I hated it. My commanding officer had been lenient as hell when I’d told him what was going on, but his patience only went so far.
My stomach clenched as I thought of what Kate had been through in the last week—hell, the last few months. I’d been so caught up in my own shit—how I was feeling—I’d completely neglected the only woman who had ever loved me more than my foster mother.
Christ, when Bram had slid that video of Kate across the table, I’d honestly thought I was going to pass out. I’d been so horrible to her, treating her like she didn’t matter when that was the farthest thing from the truth—and yet she’d still called for me. She’d needed me, and I’d been in San Diego, acting like a self-righteous douche. God, when I’d realized that Gunner was asking for marshmallows and not calling Kate “Mama,” I’d wanted to sink through the floor in shame, but I’d thought it too late for me to change my course.
Bram asked me how I thought I’d make that right. I couldn’t. I knew that there was no way to take back or make up for the shit I’d put her through. The agony on her face as she cried gave me nightmares.
I shook my head and turned around, working my way back toward the house. I couldn’t change the past, but hell if I didn’t want to be what Kate needed now. I wanted to make sure she was eating and getting enough rest. I wanted to take the boys outside so she could have a few moments to herself and cook breakfast so she didn’t have to get out of bed.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to take on more so that she would have less to do.
It killed me that I’d never felt like that when it came to Rachel. I’d come to the conclusion, sometime in my marriage, that because I’d been bringing home a paycheck and working outside the house, it was Rachel’s responsibility to take care of our children. It wasn’t as if I’d never helped—I had…when I had the time. But I hadn’t made it a priority, and because she’d never spoken up, I hadn’t realized how hard that must have been for her.
Or maybe it hadn’t been as hard for Rachel as it was for Kate. Rachel had three children and a best friend who’d apparently dropped everything to help when she was feeling overwhelmed. Kate had five childr
en and no one to depend on but an asshole that she didn’t trust to help her. She watched me with suspicion every time I pitched in with the kids, and I was so ashamed that I pretended like I didn’t see it.
I crawled into bed with her at night like a puppy begging for attention, ignoring the way she stiffened up each time until finally falling into an exhausted sleep.
Kate was the most forgiving person I’d ever met, and I felt nauseous when I remembered all the times she should have cut me from her life.
“What are you doing?” Rachel giggled as I rubbed my lips over her neck.
We were a few yards back from the bonfire the boys and I had built on the back edge of the property. For the first time in over a year, all of the Harris and Evans kids were home from various military bases and school, and we’d decided to celebrate with beer and a fire.
“Kissing you,” I murmured, running my lips up her jaw. Shit, she was the hottest girl I’d ever seen, and I’d been fantasizing about getting into her pants since she’d arrived with Kate two days before. They’d been damn near connected at the hip until tonight, and as soon as Kate had run back to the house for their sweatshirts, I’d pounced.
“I thought you and Kate—” she murmured in protest, but completely contradicted herself by dropping her head back to give me better access to her neck.
“What about me and Kate?” I asked distractedly as I saw Anita and Kate coming through the trees. I was going to be pissed as hell if Katie had been telling this girl a bunch of lies.
“She talks about you all the time,” Rachel said as I slid my hands down to her ass. “I thought maybe—”
I cut off her words as Kate and Anita reached the tree line a few feet from us. “There’s nothing between Kate and me,” I said against her mouth as Kate came to an abrupt stop and our eyes met. “She has a thing for me, but I’ve never been into her.”
I pressed my lips against Rachel’s, moaning when she slid her tongue into my mouth. My eyes never left Kate’s—even as she stopped Anita from storming toward us.
Kate moved toward the fire with tears rolling down her face, and I closed my eyes relishing the way Rachel’s hips had started rolling against mine.
As far as I knew, Kate had never said a bad word to Rachel about me. Within six months, I’d talked Rachel into moving to San Diego with me, and a few months after that we’d gotten married. I’d ignored Kate when she’d moved down after us—a little worried that she’d come for me—but she’d never said a word. After the first couple of years, my wariness had turned to apathy, and the fact that Kate seemed to hang out with Rachel whenever I wasn’t around had no longer bothered me.
If she’d planned on telling Rachel what a dick I’d been, I’d assumed she would have before the wedding.
I’d ignored her presence in our lives for years, tuned out every conversation when Rachel had tried to mention her, and pretended like she didn’t even exist.
Looking back, I couldn’t fathom how I’d done it. Kate fucking lit up a room. She was so happy and just fucking fun. I wasn’t sure how I’d ignored her for so long.
I tried really hard not to compare her and Rachel. That wasn’t a fair thing to do—but I couldn’t help but notice the differences between the women.
Where Rachel was reserved, Kate was outgoing. Where Rachel was willing to sit with the kids through a Disney movie, Kate was there with snacks and all the makings of a blanket fort. Rachel never told me if something was wrong, instead preferring to work shit out herself or completely distance herself from me until I figured out what I’d done wrong and fixed it. Kate told me straight out if something was bothering her, and then moved on, almost too quickly for me to rectify anything.
What little relationship I had with Kate was so incredibly different from what I had with Rachel that I had a hard time keeping up. Kate just kept coming back. I loved that about her. She was so tenacious when she cared about someone.
I also hated that about her. I hated that I’d been such a fucking dick, and I hated that she’d let me.
For the past couple of nights when I’d lain down beside her, after she’d fallen asleep and I knew she couldn’t hear me, I’d promised her that she’d never have to forgive me again if she could do it one last time.
I finally finished my run and walked the last quarter mile back to our house. Oddly, Miles’s Jeep was parked in my driveway.
“I’m home,” I called out as I opened the front door. I walked through the house when no one answered and found Kate and Miles sitting at the patio table laughing and watching the kids play.
My stomach turned, but as I reached for the handle of the sliding glass door, I paused. I smelled like ass.
I turned and ran up the stairs two at a time, throwing my clothes off as soon as I’d reached my room. After a fast shower, I threw on some basketball shorts and a T-shirt, not even bothering with boxers. I wanted to get outside and figure out what the fuck Kate had been laughing at.
As I hit the hallway, I heard Iris fussing in Kate’s room. She’d left her in the fucking house?
“It’s okay, princess,” I called softly, walking through the open doorway to find Iris jerking her arms and legs furiously in her bassinet. “Did Mama leave you all alone in here?”
I picked her up out of bed and rubbed her back for a minute while she hiccuped.
“Daddy’s here,” I murmured against her bald head, rocking her from side to side. “Let’s get that wet diaper off you.”
I laid her on the bed and grabbed a diaper from the top of Kate’s dresser, talking the whole time. “I don’t know what your mommy was thinking, leaving my princess in here all alone,” I crooned, my voice somehow keeping Iris calm. “She’s outside with your brothers and sister and Daddy’s friend Miles. He’s a jackass. You stay away from him, okay?”
I smiled as Iris froze, like she was listening intently.
“Daddy was not very nice,” I said, pulling her little pants down her legs and unbuttoning her onesie. “I wasn’t even there when you were born, and I’m really sorry about that. But your mama came home with me anyway, so that means there’s a chance, right? As long as Miles keeps his you-know-what in his pants.”
Iris lifted her hand to her face and tried really hard to get it to her mouth, her eyes unfocused as I babbled.
“You’re doing so good, princess. Look at you, not even crying while I change you. Such a big girl.” I finished re-dressing her and pulled her to my chest. “You think your mama could love me again?” I asked, kissing her little cheek. “Probably not, huh? We’ll just have to keep working at it so you can live with Daddy forever.”
I sighed and grabbed the dirty diaper from the bed, leaving the room. I walked slowly down the stairs, relishing the few minutes I had Iris to myself. With so many people in the house and Iris connected to Kate’s breast half the time, I hadn’t had much time with her one-on-one.
I tossed the diaper in the trash and nonchalantly strolled outside with her, only to find Kate and Miles staring straight at me.
I froze, trying to figure out what they were staring at—I knew I’d put on pants—until Kate lifted her hand up.
Holding a fucking baby monitor.
Miles cleared his throat. “Congratulations, jackass,” he said quietly, letting me know that they’d heard every word I said.
Son of a bitch. My face and neck suddenly felt like they were on fire.
* * *
“I wouldn’t leave Iris in here by herself,” Kate said softly that night as I crawled into bed behind her. “And I’d never take her away from you.”
I didn’t reply. What could I say?
“I can’t be some sort of stand-in for Rachel,” she whispered, making my heart sink to my stomach. “I’m not her. I don’t want to be her.” She sniffled, and I moved closer, silently wrapping my arm around her waist. “I want to be me.”
“That’s not what I’m doing, Katie,” I murmured, pulling her back into my chest. “I just want a chance.”
“A chance to what, Shane? A chance to sleep with me? A chance for another blow job? I’m already the mom—I’m already doing that part. So what exactly do you want?”
“I want to be with you.” I stumbled over my words, my thoughts becoming more jumbled the longer I tried to verbalize them.
I just wanted her. Even without the kids, I’d want her. The kids just made that bond a million times stronger. I wanted her to look at me the way she’d looked at me when we were stupid teenagers—like I could do anything. I wanted to see all the changes that carrying Iris had done to her body. I wanted to map her curves with my fingers and know when she was about to start her period because I’d been with her so long that I could recognize the signs. I wanted the little things and the big things.
But she’d never believe me if I tried to tell her that.
I’d pushed her aside for so long that there was no foundation to build on. Just a mess of shattered pieces that I’d crushed with a sledgehammer every time she’d grown closer than I was comfortable with.
I didn’t know how to be with someone like Kate. She’d demand more from me than anyone ever had before, and that was terrifying. Because even though the history between us had proven that she wasn’t going anywhere, I’d learned over the course of my life that people left.
“You want a housewife, and I’m convenient,” she whispered, shaking her head against her pillow. “You don’t even have to marry me. I’m already here. You know that Iris and I aren’t going anywhere. Why search for anyone else when you’ve got a—”
“Don’t finish that sentence,” I growled, her words making my blood boil. “Easy? You’re the least convenient person I’ve ever fucking met.”
I pulled away from Kate and pushed her onto her back so I could climb on top of her, straddling her waist. I leaned down until our noses were almost touching.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Kate,” I said softly, searching her eyes. “But I know that I want you. Help me.”
“I’ve been helping you since we were kids, Shane,” she replied, with a weary shrug. “I just don’t think I have anything left.”