“Because you rarely ever see a woman with pubic hair?” I asked, trying to keep my balance as his fingers found my clit.
“You’re so fucking ripe right now,” he groaned, licking into my mouth. “God, I’m going to have to knock you up again when you’re done nursing. I need more time with you like this.”
“Slow your roll, turbo,” I gasped, shivering as the water running over us went from cool to cold. “We have five children. No more.”
He reached behind me and shut off the shower before I was done speaking, pulling his hands away to fling the shower curtain open.
“No more?” he asked quietly as he helped me out of the shower and started to dry me.
“God, I can’t even think about more right now.”
“So it’s a maybe?”
“Can we get Iris past her first birthday? I’m still recovering from the birth here.”
Shane blanched and glanced down quickly.
“No!” I blurted. “No, that’s all healed up. Good to go.”
He laughed. “That’s good to know.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Uh-huh.”
“You wish,” I said haughtily, pulling the bathroom door open while he still stood there soaking wet.
“Shit, Kate! Cold!”
I laughed and tiptoed out of Shane’s room and into my own. I’d been using the shower in the master bathroom since I was pregnant with Iris, and I hadn’t stopped even though Shane was back. It wasn’t as if he ever slept in his room anyway—he ended up curled next to me in the guest room every night.
Iris was awake but thankfully not crying when I got back into my room. I closed the door firmly behind me, dropped my towel, and scooped her up, almost crying in thankfulness when she immediately turned her head and latched onto my nipple. Ah, bliss.
“Good girl, Iris,” Shane said as he slipped into my room, closing the door behind him.
“She’s not a dog,” I retorted, rolling my eyes.
“Yeah, but she’s emptying you out, which means you won’t wake up in pain in a few…Goddamn, you look incredible right now,” he breathed, staring.
“My hair’s—”
“You’re naked and nursing,” he cut in. “You look like some sort of fertility goddess.”
“Well…I did get pregnant after one night of sex. That’s pretty fertile.”
He snorted, shaking his head.
“My superpower is making babies.”
“You are pretty damn good at that,” he replied, lifting his eyebrows up and down as he lay down on the bed next to us.
“Shit,” I laughed. “I walked right into that one.”
“I’m happy,” Shane announced, letting out a contented sigh as he rolled to his back. “Are you happy?”
“Yeah.” I looked down at Iris, smiling as I saw the way she was staring up at me. “Beyond happy.”
“I make you happy?” he asked softly.
“You and our kids.”
“I’ll always make you happy,” he promised, reaching out to rest his hand on my thigh.
“Until you leave your stinky gym clothes on the floor in the bathroom,” I replied ruefully.
“Except for then.”
“I think I can live with that.” I switched Iris to the other side and then put her back in bed. Thankfully she’d begun sleeping mostly through the night, which meant I’d get a full six hours of sleep before she woke me up again.
I walked toward the dresser, but Shane’s husky voice stopped me in my tracks.
“Don’t put any clothes on.”
“That would be irresponsible,” I whispered back awkwardly. “What if there’s a fire?”
“I’ll dress you before we go to sleep,” he promised, sitting up on the bed.
“You’ll dress me?”
“You’ll be too tired to do it yourself,” he said confidently, his eyes meeting mine before sliding back down my body.
My nipples grew tight at his words, and his eyes flared in response.
“Come here, Kate.”
I moved toward him without conscious thought, and when he could reach me, he pulled me between his spread thighs.
“You want me?” he asked softly, running his hands up the outsides of my legs.
“I haven’t shaved my legs,” I answered, pushing at his hands. God, why did that shit only happen to me?
“Quit it, Kate,” Shane ordered, lightly slapping my hands away so he could put his back on my thighs. “Quit worrying about your legs. They’re fine. Soft.”
I forced my hands down to my sides and met his eyes.
“Do you want me?” he asked again, his hands moving inward before sliding back to the outsides of my thighs.
“Yes,” I whispered back, my heart racing. God, it had been forever since I’d had sex. The need for that connection almost overpowered my self-preservation. Shane had seen me at my worst—hell, he’d seen me in the mornings before I’d had a chance to brush my teeth—but he still wanted me. He knew all my secrets, and all my quirks. But I was still terrified to have sex with him.
I knew that once the line was crossed again, there would be no going back.
“Are you ready for me?” he asked, searching my eyes as his hands traced over the small pouch of my belly and curve of my waist.
“No,” I answered, my eyes growing watery.
“It’s okay, baby,” he said gently, though I could hear the disappointment in his voice. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”
“I’m sorry,” I groaned, reaching out to rub my hands over his short hair. “I’m just—”
“Not ready,” he finished with a nod.
“I’m being ridiculous.”
“No, you’re being cautious. I get it, Katiebear.”
“What am I waiting for?” I asked under my breath as his hands slid around me and lightly over the curves of my ass.
“I don’t know, baby,” he replied seriously. “But you’ll know it when it happens.”
“I’m tired,” I said wearily, dropping my hands back to my sides.
“Let’s go to sleep then.” He stood from the bed and gave me a light tap on the ass, moving around me to grab a nightgown and a pair of panties out of my dresser.
He dressed me gently and kissed my forehead. “I told you I’d dress you.”
Once we were back in bed, he curled around me and fell asleep quickly, but I couldn’t sleep for a long time. I felt like shit for turning him down yet again, but the thought of having sex with Shane caused this weird fluttery panic deep in my belly that I couldn’t ignore.
I trusted my gut.
Chapter 17
Kate
What the heck, Keller?” I yelled in frustration two weeks later, knowing that I should try keeping my voice down but unable to calm myself.
I was staring at a letter that he’d brought home from school, and I couldn’t believe what I was reading.
My boy, my sweet sensitive boy who was protective of Gunner and Iris like they were his children, was a bully at school.
“What’s going on?” I asked, tempering my voice a little.
He stood in front of me, his arms crossed over his chest—which incidentally was no longer cute anymore—and refused to say a word. Instead, he was glaring at me like he couldn’t stand the sight of me. I didn’t understand what was going on.
The first month of school had been hard for Keller. He didn’t like being away from home all day, and he didn’t seem to be making many friends in his class. But I’d thought he was adjusting. He’d snapped out of the funk he’d been in and had gone back to being the playful daredevil we all knew and loved.
“Well?” I asked in exasperation, pointing and glaring at Sage and Gavin, who were trying to peek at us around the corner of the wall before looking back to Keller. “Your teacher says you’ve been being mean to the other kids. That you’ve been calling them names. Is that true?”
He scowled, his eyebrows pulling together.
“Answer me,” I ordered.
After a few minutes of silence, I honestly had no idea what to do. I wanted to send him to his room, but I knew that wasn’t really a punishment. Gavin and Keller had toys strewn from one end of the bedroom to the other. I’d essentially be sending him up to play.
“Fine,” I mumbled, walking over to a kitchen chair and pulling it against the wall. “Sit.”
He didn’t move from his spot, and I finally had to take him forcibly by the hand and walk him to the chair, lifting his ridged body up until he was seated.
“You can stay there until you’re ready to talk,” I said in frustration.
I checked on Gunner, who was playing quietly on the floor, and Iris, who was drowsing in her swing, before sitting down at the table where I could check my email and watch Keller.
He didn’t move. He just sat there staring across the kitchen.
For an hour.
Then two.
By the time Shane came home, I was almost in tears I was so frustrated. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to make him keep sitting there, but I also didn’t want him to outlast me.
“Daddy’s home,” Shane called as he pushed through the front door.
“Keller’s in trouble!” Gavin called, his voice a little wobbly.
“Gavin! Shh,” Sage scolded.
I couldn’t see Shane but he must have acknowledged them somehow because they went quiet. Soon Shane was walking into the kitchen.
He took in Keller sitting in the kitchen chair then looked at me, raising his eyebrows. “How long has he been there?”
“A couple hours,” I said in frustration.
He must have interpreted the tone of my voice wrong, because suddenly he was scowling.
“Up to your room, bud,” he told Keller, turning to face him. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Keller jumped up from his spot and raced out of the room, sending me a look of triumph as he went past. My jaw dropped in shock.
“What the fuck, Shane?” I hissed, standing up.
“Funny, that was going to be my question,” he said back, unbuttoning his uniform. “Hours, Kate?”
“Are you kidding me right now?” I asked, my voice low.
“He’s six years old, and he’s been sitting on a wooden kitchen chair for hours?” Shane asked derisively, pulling off his blouse. “A little excessive, don’t you think?”
My heart raced as I watched him move around the kitchen, placing his wallet and watch on the counter before turning to face me. I couldn’t speak. The words felt lodged in my throat.
“Don’t do this again,” he said, when I still hadn’t answered him after a few moments. He moved to leave the kitchen, and I snapped.
“You fucking asshole,” I seethed, tears filling my eyes. “He had the chance to get up. All he had to do was talk to me.”
“What?”
“I can’t believe you.” I shook my head, closing my laptop and sliding it under my arm. “Keller was still there because he was being stubborn as hell. All he had to do was say one word about why his teacher sent a note home from school saying that Keller was being a bully.”
“What the hell?” Shane asked, his head jerking back.
“Yeah, that was my thought,” I replied. I set my laptop in a cupboard above the counter where the kids couldn’t reach it and grabbed my keys. “I’m going to the store. I just fed Iris, so she should be fine for a while.”
“Kate,” Shane called, but I didn’t pause as I moved through the living room, telling the kids good-bye as I went. I was so livid that I had to get out of there before I said something I didn’t mean.
* * *
I took my time at the grocery store. I took a long-ass time at the grocery store.
By the time I got home, it was after the kids’ bedtime, and I was sure that Shane had had to heat up some breast milk I’d stored for Iris in the fridge. I’d been gone for hours.
My anger had turned to frustration, which had then turned to hurt. I wanted to say that I couldn’t believe Shane had immediately acted like I was being a heartless bitch for disciplining Keller but I couldn’t. He’d made his views clear on that a long time ago, and because we’d never had another run-in, I’d let myself forget about it.
It was a hard fall back to reality.
I backed my SUV into the driveway and popped the hatch before getting out. The thought of carrying in all the groceries I bought made my shoulders slump, but I grabbed a huge package of toilet paper and two gallons of milk on my way inside anyway.
I hated grocery shopping with the kids, but I couldn’t deny how much easier it was when they helped me unload the car.
“Hey,” Shane called out, shutting off the television as I passed through the living room.
“Hey,” I answered, setting the milk on the counter and the toilet paper on the floor before turning right back around. “There’s a ton of groceries in the car.”
He nodded and followed me outside, grabbing half the contents of my trunk in one go. We moved silently around each other, putting things away. I was too tired to even converse with him in any type of normal manner.
After we finished putting everything away in their proper places, I turned and walked up to my room without a word. For the first time ever, I locked the door behind me. If the kids needed something in the night, Shane could take care of it.
I stripped to my T-shirt and underwear before checking on Iris, who was sleeping peacefully. Then I crawled between the sheets.
I was just…melancholy. That was the best word for it. We’d been functioning so well for so long that I’d grown complacent with the way things were. I hadn’t even thought twice when I’d sat Keller on that chair. I had hated it, but shit—all he’d had to do was speak up. My stomach sank as I thought about how he’d been acting at school. Was there something going on with him? He’d seemed fine up until I’d asked him about the note from his teacher. Had I missed something? What was I doing wrong?
The doorknob rattled, and I glanced that way before closing my eyes and pulling the comforter higher on my shoulders. I just wanted to go to sleep and start fresh in the morning. Everything looked better in the morning.
Within minutes, I heard another sound at the door, and I watched in disbelief as it swung open, the light from the hallway outlining Shane’s bare torso.
“You don’t get to do that,” he said quietly, walking forward and closing the door until only a crack of light remained. “You sleep with me—even when you’re pissed.”
“I didn’t want to sleep with you,” I replied flatly, lying unmoving beneath the blankets. If he thought I was going to just ignore the shit he’d done that evening, he was sadly mistaken.
“When you’re pissed, you don’t get to walk away anymore.” He circled the bed and lay down behind me, a few inches separating our bodies.
I snorted.
“I thought you were in this with me, Kate,” he said quietly, frustration lacing every word.
“Yeah, well, so did I.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” He rolled to his side and leaned up on one elbow to see my face.
“I’d forgotten that you didn’t want me to discipline the kids,” I answered bitterly. “No problem, boss.”
“Don’t. Don’t do that. I’m trying to fucking talk to you.”
“You probably should have done that before you made me feel like shit,” I said, silently cursing the way my voice wobbled. “I didn’t want to make him stay there, Shane. But if I’d let him down, he would have known that he could pull that shit again.”
“I didn’t know—”
“You didn’t ask. You just came in and made me look like the bad guy—once again overruling anything I fucking said. I thought we’d moved past that shit. So stupid.”
“I’m sorry!” he growled. “But you don’t help the situation when you just walk away. You were gone for hours, Kate!”
“Well, I needed a fucking minute to breathe.”
&
nbsp; “I could have used some help with our six-year-old who was completely fucking silent the entire time I tried to talk to him.” His voice rose as he jerked up in bed, and suddenly Iris’s wails filled the room.
“I’ll get her,” he grumbled, throwing the blankets back before I could climb off the bed.
His voice changed to a soothing croon as he laid her on the bed and changed her diaper, and I had a lump in my throat the size of Texas by the time he handed her to me and lay back down—turning his back to me.
“He didn’t say anything when you tried to talk to him?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.
“Nope. Just stared at me like I was an asshole,” he answered flatly.
“God, I wonder what the heck is going on with him?” Iris slipped off my breast, her mouth slack. I guessed she wasn’t hungry, just pissed that her dad had woken her up.
I laid her back in her bed and crawled in next to Shane, facing his back. I wanted to reach out and touch him but I was still so mad—so disillusioned by his attitude when he got home.
“Sometimes I say shit before I think about it,” he said quietly, his voice apologetic. “But I figure it out, and I apologize. I can’t apologize to you when you’re not here, Katie.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as my eyes watered and my nose started to run. “I need you to back me up with the kids, Shane. No exceptions.”
He didn’t turn around. “I will. It’s instinct for me to step in—I have a hard time stopping myself. Especially when it comes to the kids. The shit I saw in foster care—”
The meaning behind his words hit me like a sledgehammer, and I clenched my fists so hard that my nails bit into my skin. I moved forward and wrapped my arm around his waist, molding myself to his back.
“I trust you, Katie. I don’t know why I jump to conclusions—”
“I get it,” I murmured, kissing his back. “I’m sorry I left.”
“Please don’t do that anymore.” The ache in his words made my breath catch.
“I won’t,” I promised, kissing his back again.
“I’m beat,” he finally said, lifting his hand to cover mine against his belly. “Let’s figure out the Keller stuff in the morning.”