“What?” she asked in feigned surprise.
“I’m going to kill Anita.”
“No you’re not. She was worried. Don’t be mad at her.”
“She’s nosy! I should have told you. I wanted to tell you.” I began to sniffle. Nothing was how I’d imagined it. Nothing was going right.
“Oh, baby,” my mom said softly. “I’m sorry. I know that kind of thing is important. I would have waited until you called me, but Ani said you were sick and I was worried…”
“I know, Ma. It’s fine, I’m just—it’s these stupid hormones! I can’t get a handle on it. I swear I want to kill someone, and within seconds I’m crying because one of my toes has chipped nail polish.”
“I remember that. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to be a nightmare to live with.”
“Good thing I live alone then,” I mumbled, wiping my face on my clean sheets. Take that, Shane.
“You want to talk about it?”
“Not especially.”
“Are you going to anyway?”
“Yeah.” I sighed, curling up into a ball and pulling the bedding over my head.
“What’s going on, lovey?”
“I slept with Shane,” I mumbled, sort of hoping she wouldn’t understand me.
“Well…that was a long time coming.”
“What?”
“Katie, you and Shane have been circling around each other for years—ever since you were kids.”
“Mom, he married my best friend. I’m not sure I’d call that circling.”
“Katiebear, I’m going to tell you something, and you can take it however you want.”
“I don’t think I want to hear it.”
“Tough.”
I snorted a laugh, and it was the first time I’d laughed since I’d found out I was pregnant. My mom could always do that—somehow make the bad seem not-so-bad with a few carefully chosen words. I hoped I could do that one day.
“Back when you were kids…Shane was running.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to say he didn’t love Rachel. I’d never say that, because it plain isn’t true. I know he loved her—you could see it when they were together. But Katie…they never lived together for any significant period of time.”
“It’s his job, Mom—”
“You don’t have to defend him to me, Katherine Eleanor. I know that boy, and I’ve loved him since he moved in with your uncle and aunt. What I’m saying is that Rachel was easy for him to love, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. She was what he needed, and I was always glad he found that in her.”
“They were perfect together,” I whispered, my throat growing tight.
“Well, I wouldn’t say that.”
“What?”
“Shane needed someone to take him at face value back then, lovey, and Rachel did that…you didn’t.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” My heart began to thump hard in my chest, and my hands grew clammy.
“Well, I guess Aunt Ellie and I always thought that you were too much for him.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“That is absolutely not a bad thing, Kate. You saw him, and for a while I could tell that he reveled in that. He loved that you could see straight through him. It challenged him.”
“He left me, Mom. I’m not sure how you could say he loved anything about me.”
“You got too close, Katie. He wasn’t ready for that.”
“Well, how was I supposed to know that?” I cried, sitting up in bed. “I was nineteen! I didn’t know what I was doing!”
“There’s those hormones.”
“He dropped me, Mom. He never cared about me. You should’ve—” No. She didn’t need to know that Shane had called me for months my freshman year of college, then had acted like he didn’t want anything to do with me the minute he’d seen my best friend. It wasn’t even relevant anymore. “He just…made it very clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. He’s avoided me for ten years. His opinion’s pretty obvious.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you, lovey.”
“You didn’t.”
“Okay, new subject?”
“Yes please.”
“How did Shane take the news?”
“That’s the same freaking subject!”
* * *
I woke up the next morning to whispers and the smell of formula breath fanning across my face.
“Is she awake yet?”
“Not yet! Daddy said to be quiet.”
“Quiet!”
“Whyet!”
“I wish she’d wake up already.”
“Keller, you better zip it.”
“If your daddy wanted to let me sleep, he wouldn’t have left four monsters in my bed,” I growled, sitting up too quickly and pulling them to me as they squealed and my stomach churned.
“Oh, Auntie Kate needs another minute, guys.” I moaned, lying back against my pillow. “Want to snuggle for a little bit?”
They curled up around me, Gunner playing with my loose hair, Gavin’s head resting on my sore boobs, Keller’s body twisting one of my ankles in a way it didn’t want to twist, and Sage holding my hand. Within seconds, I felt a million times better.
“Where’s your dad?” I asked quietly, letting my eyes close as Gunner’s tiny fingers ran through my hair.
“Goin’ potty.”
“He’s taking a long time.”
“I bet he’s pooping! He stinks so bad!” Keller crowed, making me snicker.
“I’m not pooping, Keller,” Shane mumbled from the side of the bed, making my eyes pop open. His cheeks were red with embarrassment, and I think I fell a little then.
“You stink worse, Keller,” I accused, meeting Shane’s eyes.
“No I don’t! You do, Auntie Kate! You reek!”
“You week!” Gavin yelled right in my ear.
Shane’s eyes crinkled a little at the sides as he tried to hold back a smile.
“I thought you might want to see them,” Shane said quietly as he sat on the edge of the bed. “I know you don’t feel good—”
“Thank you,” I cut in, letting go of Gunner for a minute to reach out and rest my hand on his knee. “This is just what I needed.”
“I used the spare key.” His voice grew quiet.
“I figured.”
“You want it back?”
“No,” I whispered.
“Okay.”
“Auntie Kate, why are you sick?” Sage asked suspiciously, her voice quivering.
“Come here, Sage the Rage,” I answered, pulling her toward me. “I’ve got news.”
“Kate,” Shane warned in a low tone.
“I’m going to have a baby.”
My words seemed to stun the kids into silence for a moment before they all spoke up at the same time.
“Baby.”
“Baby.”
“What?”
“You are?”
“Yep! Growing a baby sometimes makes a mama sick, but only for a while. So that’s why I’m sick. Once the baby’s a little bigger, I won’t be sick anymore.”
“You’ll be fat!” Keller yelled.
“Keller,” Shane snapped.
I shook my head slightly at Shane and met Keller’s eyes. He wasn’t being a brat…He was worried.
“Come here, Kell.”
He crawled up and sat on my thighs.
“Careful, pal,” Shane warned.
“He’s okay,” I said with a smile, never looking away from Keller. “I’m just growing a baby, bud. But it takes a long time—nothing’s going to change for a while.”
“Where is it?” he asked curiously, looking down at my relatively flat stomach.
“Right about here.” I pointed, making all of the kids look closely at where my finger was.
“I don’t see anything.”
“That’s because its really, really tiny right now.”
“How tiny?” Keller asked dubiously.
“Like a little bean.”
“But it’s going to grow?”
“Yep.”
“Cool.”
“Very cool,” I agreed.
“Is it going to be our cousin?” Sage asked, jolting me out of my soft conversation with Keller.
“Can you grab me a glass of water, sis?” I asked after what seemed like a really long pause. “I need to take my medicine before I get sick again.”
“Ew!” Keller yelped, scooting back away from me.
As Sage climbed off the bed, I turned to meet Shane’s eyes.
He looked as shell-shocked as I felt.
Chapter 5
Shane
I felt like I was spinning out of control.
As I lay there in my bed, I couldn’t help but think back to when I’d sneaked the kids in to see Kate a few mornings before. She’d been sleeping so heavily that she hadn’t even heard the door open or the kids’ quiet conversations, and for a moment I’d felt a flash of something between protectiveness and possessiveness rush over me.
It had rattled me so badly that I’d made an excuse to use her bathroom and had locked myself in there for a few minutes to get my shit under control. Protectiveness I could handle—it wasn’t a new feeling when it came to Kate. But possessiveness was wrong on so many levels that I felt like a creep for even putting a name to it. I didn’t want her, and she wasn’t mine.
She wasn’t mine even though she was currently carrying my child.
I pushed my sheets down to my feet in irritation and rolled onto my side, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep. I had less than two weeks before I had to leave, and though I was already starting to transition into work mode and the familiar life I’d be living for the next six or seven months, my mind constantly raced with the thought of leaving my kids.
I’d left them before. Shit, I’d left over and over again…but things were different now. I wouldn’t be leaving them with their mother, secure in the knowledge that everything would stay the same when I was gone. I was leaving them with Kate, and I trusted her with their lives, but I couldn’t reconcile that with the place she had in mine.
She was pregnant. God, how could I have been so stupid? As if fucking Kate hadn’t been enough of an epically bad decision, I’d also stormed the gates without putting on my goddamn armor.
Not that I’d had any condoms with me anyway. I hadn’t had sex in a year, and I hadn’t planned on having sex for a very long time after that. Then I’d made the boneheaded decision to use Kate to end my dry spell.
Kate. My wife’s best friend, and the niece of the only people I’d ever called my parents. The worst mistake I’d ever made in my entire life.
I couldn’t decide if I was mad about what I’d done or so fucking sad about the entire thing that I wanted to weep.
I didn’t want a child with her. God, I didn’t want any more children period.
I could barely keep up with shit as it was, even with Kate to take care of the kids while I worked. How the hell could I add another kid into that mix? When Rachel was alive, I’d teased her that I wanted a houseful of kids. I knew that it was a lot to place on her shoulders when I was away so much, but she’d agreed wholeheartedly with my dream, and she’d never once complained about the life we’d made.
If she hadn’t died, I had a feeling that she’d probably already be pregnant by now, and I’d be ecstatic about adding to our brood.
But Rachel was dead, and Kate was the one who was pregnant. I couldn’t find it in myself to be excited about that.
And as I turned to my belly and shut my eyes tightly, I finally gave in to the fear that had been niggling in the back of my mind for close to a week.
The fear that I wouldn’t love Kate’s child the way I loved the others.
The fear that I’d feel nothing.
* * *
“Are you sure you’re okay with them?” I asked for the third time as I screwed the lid on my coffee mug.
“I’m fine, Shane. I promise. Sage doesn’t have school today so I’m going to let them sleep as late as they want and then make them snuggle on the couch for a movie day.”
“Are you still puking every five minutes?” I asked, taking in her pale face and hastily tied-up hair. She still didn’t look good.
“Nope. The anti-nausea stuff they gave me is like magic. I haven’t puked in like—” She looked past me to the clock on the stove. “—four hours.”
“You were up at two in the morning vomiting? Why the fuck would you even take that medicine if you’re still puking? That’s fucking bullshit. Call the doctor and see if they have anything else—another brand maybe. Did you buy generic? They say that stuff is the same as the name brand, but—”
“Whoa! Slow down there, turbo.” She cut me off, raising her hands in the air between us. “It’s not foolproof, okay? It helps, but it’s not a cure-all. I’d much rather puke every six to eight hours than every fifteen minutes. It’s doing its job. I’m keeping my food down and can actually drink water again. It’s all good.”
“You’re still throwing up,” I replied stubbornly.
“Let’s see how many different names we can think of to describe vomiting. We’ve used like three already. Why don’t I go next?” She pursed her lips and squinted for a minute before stating, “Blowing chunks. Now you.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I’m changing the subject from something you seem intent on arguing about even though it’s a fruitless endeavor. Harfing. Upchucking. Hurling.”
“I’m not playing this game with you,” I replied, annoyed. If she didn’t want to take care of herself, that wasn’t my business. She seemed completely okay with looking and feeling like crap all the time, and who was I to argue with that?
“Yakking,” she announced, following me around the kitchen as I grabbed my wallet and my keys. “Ralphing.”
“Knock it off, Kate.”
“Praying to the porcelain god,” she retorted, with a pleased smile.
Even with her gaunt cheeks and messy hair, I wanted to kiss her so badly it hurt, and that made my frustration rise. “Does being annoying usually get you what you want?”
“If you’re going to work annoyed instead of worried, then it worked.”
“I’m not worried.”
“You’ve been pacing.”
“You’re sick, for fuck’s sake.”
“I’m telling you, I’m fine. I’m excited to finally have a day off from school—just me and my monsters,” she replied with a sweet, contented smile.
“They’re not yours.” I couldn’t stop the words before they came rushing out of my mouth, but I regretted them the same second the smile fell off her face.
“I’ve been calling them my monsters since they were born, Shane,” she said flatly. “I’m not going to stop because you’ve got a stick up your ass for some reason I can’t quite comprehend.”
“You’re—”
“No,” she cut in. “You don’t get to be a dick to me. You don’t. I haven’t done anything to you, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I’ve helped take care of the kids since they were born. You can’t change that—it’s just fact. I’m sorry that you think this is some sort of competition or whatever the fuck you think it is. They’re yours. I get it. But that doesn’t mean that I’m nothing, and you can’t try and act like it does.”
“I don’t think you’re nothing.”
“Look, I know that you don’t like me.”
“That’s not—”
“But for the next nineteen years, you’re going to have to deal with me.” Her eyes began to water, and a few tears slipped from her eyes. “I’m sorry for that. I’m so, so sorry. But we have to figure out a way to make this work because, for better or worse, I’m here, and it’s exhausting trying to get along with you.”
Kate turned to walk away, and my stomach clenched.
“Why do you always do that?” I asked in irritati
on. “You never let me say anything before you’re walking away.”
“I know what you have to say, Shane. You’ve already said it, remember? I’m just saving us both from words you can’t take back.”
“All you’re doing is pissing me off!” I called as she started walking again.
“That’s just a bonus,” she called back quietly.
I scratched my head in frustration, growling deep in my throat before perching my cover on top of my head and walking out the front door.
She was so fucking irritating. She acted like I was such a dick, and though I could remember vividly the times that I had been, there were far more times over the past year that things had been just fine between us. Had we ever been best friends? Not really. But that didn’t make me a dick.
And the fact that she kept saying I didn’t like her pissed me off. I’d never said I didn’t like her. She was fine. Likable. She just wasn’t someone I wanted to hang out with in what little spare time I had. That didn’t make me a dick, either.
I couldn’t understand why she just kept pushing at me. Did she want me to fall on my knees and ask her to be best friends forever? Because that was never going to happen.
But I had never, not once, acted like she had to walk on eggshells.
That was complete and utter bullshit.
We had the kids in common. That was it. I wasn’t going to pretend that I thought she was interesting or sexy or fun. That wouldn’t be fair to her, and frankly, it would just fuck things up worse than they already were.
* * *
The house was noisy as I stepped in the front door that night after a long-ass day at work. I’d been checking and rechecking lists all day, running back and forth all over the base trying to get shit ready for the deployment that was slowly closing in. God, I was tired. Tired and in a pissy mood.
“You’re doing awesome, Sage!” Kate’s voice rose above the clatter of pans Gavin and Gunner were playing with on the floor. “Make sure you’re cutting through all the way to the counter, okay?”
Keller was silent for the first time in a long time, building something with Legos at the kitchen table, and Kate was moving around Sage as she cut biscuits out of the dough on the counter with what looked like an empty can of corn.
“Something smells really good,” I announced, setting my keys and wallet on the counter.