Leesie327 says: That’s not true.
gr8phil says: The jerk part is.
Leesie327 says: Yeah. I wish I could go back and be different.
gr8phil says: What would you change?
Leesie327 says: I don’t know. How do you do it? Everyone likes you—but you’re still a good kid. I noticed that much.
gr8phil says: Sports help. You could have done that.
Leesie327 says: The locker room must be brutal.
gr8phil says: I keep my headphones on all the time… tune it out…no big deal.
Leesie327 says: But you’re an athlete. I’m crappy at all sports. Can you see me on the volleyball team?
gr8phil says: Doesn’t matter if you try. I wasn’t born athletic. Takes work. Practice. You didn’t want to try. Not after you didn’t get cheerleader.
Leesie327 says: Busted.
gr8phil says: Who are you and what did you do with my sister? You’re actually kind of human tonight. What gives?
Leesie327 says: Perspective.
gr8phil says: Oh, man, you’re HOMESICK!!!
Leesie327 says: I am not homesick.
gr8phil says: That’s hilarious.
Leesie327 says: Shut up.
gr8phil says: You couldn’t get out of here fast enough and now, whoa, let me get the image right: Leesie’s pale perfect face blotched red, tears running down it, soaking her pillow every night.
Leesie327 says: Hardly.
gr8phil says: You’re not convincing me.
Leesie327 says: Funny the things you miss.
gr8phil says: Like me?
Leesie327 says: Like mom nagging at me.
gr8phil says: And me?
Leesie327 says: Dad patting my shoulder. Stephie praying for the pigs.
gr8phil says: And me?
Leesie327 says: The smell of the wheat right after it’s cut. I even miss all those momma sows.
gr8phil says: AND ME!!!
Leesie327 says: I especially miss fighting with you.
gr8phil says: Yes! The truth comes out!
Leesie327 says: So who are you lurking online for—fess up.
gr8phil says: You first.
Leesie327 says: Michael will be off work in 2 hours and 8 minutes.
gr8phil says: And you’re just sitting there staring at the screen?
Leesie327 says: I’m stalking everyone I know. Tell all so I don’t have to stalk you.
gr8phil says: All the weight training for football paid off. I was a massive hit at Youth Conference. The women wouldn’t leave me alone.
Leesie327 says: And when do you start humility training?
gr8phil says: I’m hanging to chat with a way sweet girl from Coeur d’Alene—Krystal.
Leesie327 says: Sounds serious. Watch yourself.
gr8phil says: Coming from you? That’s rich. She’s the perfect Mormon young woman.
Leesie327 says: Good for you, Phil. That’s what you want. And I watched myself tons, pre-Michael.
gr8phil says: Maybe too much. Would it have killed you to be nicer to Troy—at first? He was nuts about you. You can’t deny you liked him, too.
Leesie327 says: Yuck. You know what it would have meant to go out with him.
gr8phil says: You could have managed him. He would have got tired of not getting any and dumped you. End of story.
Leesie327 says: So I created the monster?
gr8phil says: For sure.
Leesie327 says: You see a lot more than I ever gave you credit for.
gr8phil says: Way, way more.
Leesie327 says: You little snoop. That’s disgusting.
gr8phil says: Give me a flipping break. Every time I turned around last year at school before Michael dumped you, he was all over you. I wanted to kill the guy.
Leesie327 says: Are you kidding?
gr8phil says: You are my sister.
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM #50, WHAT IF?
What if I’d smiled at Troy and said, “Okay.”
Avoided his hand and the make out bushes,
but treated him like a person instead of temptation?
What if I accepted his feelings
as true, ate Hot Tamales and explained
the rules? Invited him to church?
What if I wasn’t so afraid of the way
he made me feel when I looked in his dazzling blue eyes
that all I could do was scream, “No,” and run?
He would have laughed and moved on,
made fun of my sacred pearls of great price,
hassled me all through high school anyway.
Or
Maybe he would have listened.
Maybe he would have changed.
Maybe he would have said, “Yes.”
High school life would have been so different:
popular, accepted—
protected.
His life, too—changed, blessed.
What did I rob him of?
I was too afraid, too weak, too righteous
to try—
No way
will I mess up
like that
again.
Chapter 3
LIFELINE
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 9/23 3:41 AM
Leesie327 says: HEY!!! You’re early.
liv2div says: where’ve you been all week?
Leesie327 says: Here. Where’ve you been?
liv2div says: sitting in this nasty hole trying to catch you online
Leesie327 says: But you were working.
liv2div says: rained out…why aren’t you ever home?
Leesie327 says: I am. All the time. Except classes.
liv2div says: and you sit home every night?
Leesie327 says: Not exactly.
liv2div says: great…you’re with somebody else…I knew it…you’re in love with some dweeb
Leesie327 says: Kind of impossible when you wash over me twenty times a day. The farther away you are, the more intense you get in my heart. How are you doing that?
liv2div says: maybe I have powers, too
Leesie327 says: You shouldn’t have come back in August. We were coping.
liv2div says: really?
Leesie327 says: No, but I was getting used to the ache.
liv2div says: we both put on a good act
Leesie327 says: Until the airport. Who are we kidding? The guys here—none of them—no one’s you.
liv2div says: no Prince Charming? you haven’t been there that long…give it time…BYU is your dream come true
Leesie327 says: But my prince is on a dive boat in Thailand.
liv2div says: no, he’s in a creepy bar watching old European men pick up teenage Thai girls…that guy can’t be your prince… too perverse…we don’t breathe the same air
Leesie327 says: We could.
liv2div says: don’t tempt me…I spend my down time making up kidnap schemes.
Leesie327 says: That’s not what I meant. You could try my air.
liv2div says: there are monasteries all over the place here…maybe I’ll become a Buddhist monk…how do you think I’d look wearing orange robes and shaving my head?
Leesie327 says: Way too hot for a monastery.
liv2div says: freak, babe, you’re making me crazy…I need to stay far, far away from you
Leesie327 says: It doesn’t matter how far away you are. I still feel your heart. I still know when you’re thinking about me, when you’re waiting online to chat, when you miss me. We’re connected. I don’t know how to break it. I don’t want to break it.
liv2div says: I was waiting twice this week and you missed it
Leesie327 says: Sorry. If I know there’s a chance—that you’re not out on the water—I’ll stay signed on.
liv2div says: when you’re home…you need a laptop
Leesie327 says: I need YOU.
liv2div says: you’re destroying me…we decided this way back in Florida
Leesie327 says: Just say it, Michael. Please.
I’m aching for it.
liv2div says: serious, babe? I’m allowed?
Leesie327 says: Don’t make me beg.
liv2div says: I love you, Leesie Hunt…I dream about you…holding you…can’t forget the scent of your hair…but its so much more than that…you haunt me worse than Isadore
Leesie327 says: Does she still attack in the middle of the night?
liv2div says: Not like you do…does that make you feel better?
Leesie327 says: Worse. Way worse. I’m so, so sorry.
liv2div says: you’re not going to say it?
Leesie327 says: I love you. Forever and ever, I love you.
liv2div says: this doesn’t help…we can’t do this again
Leesie327 says: Now we can’t even chat?
liv2div says: let loose like this
Leesie327 says: But we can still chat?
liv2div says: you are torture…you know that…pure torture
Leesie327 says: You’re the one who should find somebody else.
liv2div says: so I have your permission to take a Thai chick home tonight?
Leesie327 says: No. Absolutely not. Don’t be sickening.
liv2div says: it might make me feel better…at least for tonight
Leesie327 says: You said it was criminal.
liv2div says: not here
Leesie327 says: You said it creeps you out.
liv2div says: I could get drunk first
Leesie327 says: I’m going to throw up.
liv2div says: relax…I’m still drinking coke…no Thai chicks on the horizon
Leesie327 says: Don’t scare me like that. You shouldn’t joke about those poor girls.
liv2div says: I was testing you
Leesie327 says: Did I ace it?
liv2div says: Flunked out…big time…you’re lying as much as I am
Leesie327 says: We’re going in circles now. Go home and get some rest.
liv2div says: it’s not late here…you’re the one who needs to rest.
Leesie327 says: You think I can sleep after this?
liv2div says: good…I like picturing you tossing around awake with me in your brain
Leesie327 says: And I torture you?
liv2div says: who needs the internet when you’ve got voodoo girl around?
Leesie327 says: It’s our spirits. Melted together. This isn’t smart, is it? I should go.
liv2div says: no…you forced this out of me…you can live with the consequences
Leesie327 says: I wish I could.
liv2div says: liar
Leesie327 says: You know, there are missionaries in Thailand.
liv2div says: yep, all kinds of do-gooders here
Leesie327 says: I mean Mormon missionaries. They could teach you about my air. That’s what they do.
liv2div says: they don’t work to save children from brothels?
Leesie327 says: I guess they could. They try to teach families—help them get out of those situations or prevent them. They concentrate on the soul. I could contact them. Tell them about you.
liv2div says: too bad I can’t shut you up like I used to
Leesie327 says: No fair reminding me of your lips.
liv2div says: and sicking missionaries on me is fair?
Leesie327 says: So that’s a “no?”
liv2div says: I’m out of here
Leesie327 says: We haven’t talked all night.
liv2div says: I haven’t eaten…my stomach is making rude noises
Leesie327 says: You’d rather eat than chat with me?
liv2div says: about missionaries? yup…later…babe.
Chapter 4
DISTRACTION
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM #51, MERCY
I shouldn’t have nodded
when he sat beside me
in Sunday school, adjusted his glasses
and searched well-worn scrips
to find the verse the girl stumbling
through teaching the lesson announced.
I definitely should not have murmured,
“John 10:16.”
Who knew it would make him blush?
I’m nothing special here—not stunning, tall, tan and
blonde like California saints grow their daughters.
Nobody stares, nobody whispers—
nobody asks me out.
I’m as invisible as this pinked up, chubby nerd-boy
with a slim calculator tucked in the outside pocket
of his cracked, blue vinyl scripture case.
I should have cut him like
my roomy would have.
She’d never be in this position.
No way—not Tawni—the Salt Lake girl
who hi-jacked the bed next to mine
from a Midwest music major I found on ChatSpot.
Not this girl who models on weekends,
told me her father would give me a good deal
if I ever wanted to get surgical
with my inadequate breasts,
and tossed me her old cell
when I fessed up I didn’t have one,
laughing at my prissy face
when I turned it on to a close-up
of her boyfriend’s butt—jeans riding low—
commando.
Not Tawni, who lied to a bishop and a Stake President
to steal a spot on the Lord’s roster of incoming freshmen
and is systematically ruining my dream come true.
She’d never fumble to answer her cell and cringe
while Noah the Nerdling, coaxed by half his hall
in the background, stutters, “Saturday.
Homecoming. The game and the dance.
I’ve got tickets for the Creeper.”
I should have laughed and told him to drop dead.
But I’m not that girl. “Sure. What time?
I’ll pack snacks for the game.”
“Really?” Celebrating guys drown out the rest.
Mercy date for Homecoming.
Least I know how I rate.
LEESIE HUNT / CHATSPOT LOG / 10/06 9:30 PM
Leesie327 says: Can you smell pine trees in Pullman?
Kimbo69 says: All I can smell is my roommate… massive stoner.
Leesie327 says: Go to your window and take a deep breath of pine for me.
Kimbo69 says: How’s the roomy from hell? What’s her name?
Leesie327 says: Tawni. Last night during apartment prayer, she got a text and answered it while Cadence was trying to pray.
Kimbo69 says: Cadence? Musical parents?
Leesie327 says: Yeah. Her guitar grows out of her like a natural appendage. She’s amazing. She hasn’t been a member all that long.
Kimbo69 says: Member?
Leesie327 says: Of the church. A Mormon. She’s a convert.
Kimbo69 says: Okay. Whatever you say. So, texting and praying don’t mix?
Leesie327 says: Extreme rude.
Kimbo69 says: But everyone isn’t into praying like you are.
Leesie327 says: Mormons are. BYU students are. The five of us are. Tawni is killing the Spirit here. And I have to share a room with her.
Kimbo69 says: Sorry you got such a bummer. My roommate’s cool—even when she’s stoned. She’s got a boyfriend, too, so I can get the room for Mark and me a lot.
Leesie327 says: Why aren’t you guys sharing a room? I thought it was co-ed.
Kimbo69 says: Not that co-ed. That hall was full.
Leesie327 says: You guys didn’t want to get another apartment?
Kimbo69 says: Our moms colluded…decided dorm life was something we both should experience…I had to go along…Mom’s the one with the wallet…the bed is awful…how’s yours?
Leesie327 says: Rock-like. But it’s high so I can stuff crap under it.
Kimbo69 says: Watch that roomy of yours…she’ll stuff a guy under hers.
Leesie327 says: She’s got a boyfriend in Salt Lake—Kanyon. He comes down
almost every night. No guys are allowed back in our bedrooms. I’ve kicked him out three times.
Kimbo69 says: Heartless…you’re totally heartless.
Leesie327 says: Honor code. I signed it. She signed it. Housing rules let guys hang out in our kitchen—bedrooms and bathrooms are off limits.
Kimbo69 says: What is she doing at a place like BYU?
Leesie327 says: None of us can fathom that. If I were really heartless, I’d turn her in. She could get kicked out on her butt.
Kimbo69 says: Not even Leesie the Almighty is that heartless.
Leesie327 says: I know. But she’s ruining this for me. I’m supposed to be living my fantasies, but all I can think about are the smell of pines, my dad’s smile and—you know.
Kimbo69 says: Michael. What happened to thousands of the hottest guys on the planet who all believe like you?
Leesie327 says: They are drooling over the girls from California.
Kimbo69 says: Now you are being pathetic…get a backbone, girl…what you need is a hot date.
Leesie327 says: Oh, I’ve got one of those coming up next weekend.
Kimbo69 says: Good…if Michael’s a ten, how does this guy rate?
Leesie327 says: I’m offended. On a scale of one to ten, Michael’s a solid fifteen.
Kimbo69 says: And this guy is?