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“If I remember it correctly, I did shove a blade into you. Unfortunately, I experienced a rare act of bad aim,” she retorted, reveling in the red-hot anger.
His spine stiffened as the blue of his eyes heated. “You are a puppet of the Sanctuary. And you don’t even realize it. ”
“A puppet—are you kidding me?” She leaned forward. “I don’t corrupt people! I don’t kill innocents!”
“Neither do I!” he roared.
If anything, Julian’s anger should have been a warning, but she was so beyond the point of caring. All the wild emotions he incited the night she had found Michael came to the surface. It was dizzying, heady, and powerful. This was, after all, his fault. It had nothing to do with the fact that anything he said could possibly be true. Not at all. “So what, you don’t do it now, but you did. Yet you judge me for being loyal to my duty—to the Sanctuary?”
“I’m not judging you, Lily. ” He stepped toward her. “All I am saying is maybe there is more to the world than being a Nephilim and doing everything the Sanctuary tells you to do. ”
“Uh, hello, the fact I hold a conversation with you is the exact opposite of what the Sanctuary tells me to do. So, buddy, I really don’t abide by all their rules. ”
He let out a breath as he ran a hand through his hair. “I know. I shouldn’t have suggested that. Your acceptance of me is proof you don’t. ”
She folded her arms and looked at him smugly.
“It doesn’t change how sadly misinformed you are about my kind. Yes, some of us are pure evil. So much so that even your great Nathaniel would piss his pants in their presence, but we all didn’t fall for the same reasons, and not all of us made the same choices. That’s where your Sanctuary is blind. And once they succeed in exterminating all of us, they will move on to your kind. You damn well know that is true. ”
The words knocked the smile right off her face, even though she secretly believed the last part to be a hundred percent true, but that was neither here nor there. “I don’t even know why I’m having this conversation with you. ”
“Because you know there is more to life than being a Nephilim. ” His words were full of passion and belief. “That you deserve to be more than the Sanctuary’s killing machine, because eventually the Sanctuary will turn on you. When that happens, what do you have? Nothing, because your whole life has been this one thing!”
“What?” Startled, she took a step back. Something she rarely ever did. “Why am I even listening to you? What you’re saying makes no sense to me. You’re the enemy, Julian. Of course you would see it as me not having a life or whatever. ”
He stared at her for a moment. “Of course you would see it that way. I don’t see you as Nephilim, and you don’t see me as a Fallen. ” As he argued, the blue of his eyes deepened. “I see you as Lily. I see you for who you are, even though you don’t. ”
“How do I see myself, Mr. I Know Fucking Everything?”
“You don’t see yourself at all. Not as Lily. You see yourself only as a Nephilim. What is your creed? To hunt down the Fallen, kill the minions, and protect your fellow Nephilim at all costs? Where is Lily in that?”
Whoa. Her face scrunched up. “What the hell is this? I know what and who I am. ”
He looked doubtful. “Then tell me!”
His demand set off a chain reaction of events. Unable to face the harsh reality, she did the one thing she never did. “You know what, forget this. ” Lily spun around and ran.
Well, tried to run was a better way of putting it. She made it to the ledge and was about to leap when Julian snagged her around the waist and hauled her to the ground. Part of her recognized what Julian was saying was correct, but the other part refused to acknowledge it.
He set her down, and she immediately made a bad decision in a string of bad decisions. She half pushed, half swung at him. He stepped to the side, and her momentum sent her stumbling past him. He tried to catch her once again, but she twisted and they both crashed to the dust-covered rooftop.
Pissed off and very aware of his hard body pressing down on hers, Lily immediately began pushing at him. “Get off me!”
Julian easily pinned her hands down beside her head. “I’ve followed you for eight years, Lily. I know you better than you know yourself. I have watched you make decision after decision. Besides the apartment, I have never seen you do one thing for yourself. Your entire being centers on the Sanctuary and your duty, while other Nephilim have a life outside their obligations. Where is your life?”
She shook her head frantically. Tell him that you do make decisions outside your duty! She couldn’t form the words. Besides him and the apartment, she hadn’t done a single thing for herself. He knew this after watching her for so long.
“Do you know what the Fallen call the Nephilim? We call your kind cannon fodder, and you were cannon fodder for the Sanctuary the night you went after Baal. You did so for the Sanctuary, and where were they when you lay there broken and near death? Did you make such a foolishly brave decision as Lily or as a Nephilim?”
“Stop this. ” She didn’t want to hear it.
“Damn it, Lily, you are more than just a Nephilim. You are Lily. ” His grip around her wrists loosened. “You will be fearless in battle, but the idea of wanting something for yourself terrifies you. What we have? It’s the first time you’ve allowed yourself to do what you’ve wanted simply because you wanted it. That terrifies you. I can see it every time you are around me. You fight what you want, and you’re scared the whole time. You’re afraid this makes you a bad Nephilim. Not a bad person, but a bad Nephilim. ”
His words didn’t just startle her into submission; they shocked her to the core. The truth had never been so potent, so shattering. Her hands unclenched as her chest rose and fell raggedly.
The edges of his hair brushed her cheeks as he leaned in. “For eight years I’ve waited for you to realize that. I’ve waited for you to see yourself for who you really are. You’re Lily Marks, a beautiful, extremely clever woman whose capacity for compassion sets you apart from the Nephilim. It’s not your fighting skills or how good of a warrior you are. It’s the fact you look at me and see a man rather than a Fallen.
“Underneath all the duty and obligation is Lily. And do you know what you do to me?” he continued passionately. “Of all the people, Nephilim and humans alike, you’ve been the only one who has ever made me wish I was a man and not what I am. You did that—Lily, not the Nephilim. ”
She stared at him, wide-eyed and silent. What he said…well, it was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her. How he saw her was simply amazing, because all the people she knew, including herself, only saw her as a hunter. But what Julian saw terrified her, just as her feelings for him—and how badly she wanted him—terrified her.
He rested his forehead against hers. “Oh, Lily, don’t you see? There’s nothing wrong with wanting love, the house, and even the damn picket fence. Desires and passions do not make you a bad person. ”
Oh damn, she was really close to crying. She turned her head, squeezing her eyes shut. He pushed back the curtain of reddish-brown hair that fell across her face, gently turning her to him. She opened her eyes, damp with unshed tears. If she knew better, had some experience in these sorts of things, she would have thought the way he looked at her meant something powerful and real.
His fingers trailed down her cheek. “Lily?”
“I really hate you right now, you know that?” she murmured.
“No you don’t. That’s the whole problem. You don’t hate me at all. ”
She exhaled unsteadily. No, she didn’t hate him. But she kind of wished she did. It would make things a hell of a lot easier. But Julian understood her in a way Luke and Nathaniel never could. The invisible barriers slowly cracked.
He kissed her so deeply that she thought her soul would burst into flames. He laid claim to her soul, just as he had already done to her heart.
/> Chapter Nineteen
Two weeks after Julian had basically handed her the truth, and his words still brought a smile to her lips. The kind of smile that didn’t fade even as she stared down at the minion she had just vanquished. Stepping away, she gazed out into the night sky.
Damn, she was tired.
Between monitoring Michael’s training and hunting at night, she was only getting four hours of sleep tops. Granted, she would get at least five and half hours of sleep if she’d stop sneaking off to spend time with Julian.
The soft breeze kicked up, stirring a few tendrils of hair around her face. She gave a little half smile. She’d gladly give up an hour or two of sleep before she was due back at the Sanctuary if it meant going to sleep well sated.
Julian was rather adept when it came to ways of entertaining her. He used his lips or his fingers, and she was never uninterested. They hadn’t done it yet, although they came close a few times. Just last night she begged him to take her. She hadn’t cared that they were on the rooftop of the Hilton. Right there, out in the open. She had wanted him that badly, and he had known it.
Julian had still refused her. Damn him.
Although Lily was reluctant to admit it, it wasn’t just his touch she looked forward to all day. Things had changed since that night they had fought and Julian had forced her to confront her feelings. She no longer thought of him as a Fallen—if she ever really did. As dangerous as that was.
They even exchanged phone numbers. When Julian had ordered her to enter his cell number and the numbers for all three clubs he owned into her phone, she had found it hilarious. He had looked at her strangely, and she’d tried to explain why she thought it was funny they were now just at the exchanging-phone-numbers stage. He didn’t get it, and she had given up on trying to explain.
Her smile spread.
The voice in the back of her head picked up, whispering, Remember Anna. This is what happened to Anna.
Swatting the voice to the side, she stepped to the ledge, and a shiver danced over her skin. Turning around, she was surprised as a giant of a man landed in the middle of the roof.
Gabe sauntered toward her, a cocky little grin on his lips. “Hey, babe, long time no see. ”
Lily almost stepped back, but stopped before she toppled over the ledge. Other than passing each other at the Sanctuary, she hadn’t seen Gabe since the night in the laundry room. Heat tinged her cheeks. “Hey,” she said lamely.
He stopped in front of her. “Haven’t had any bad shifts recently. I’m kind of disappointed. ”
Now the tips of her ears burned. “Yeah, well, things have been…good. ”
His smile spread as he studied her. Gabe was good-looking—very much so. Any girl, Nephilim or not, would be throwing off their panties for him, but Lily didn’t feel the slightest urge to do so.
“Well, you know where to find me. ” He hopped up on the ledge beside her. “Even if you’re having a good shift. ” Then he bent, kissed her under her ear, and jumped.