Chapter 10
Goosebumps raised on Beth’s arms as she understood. “I’m so sorry. The loss, how very sad.”
Nicholas didn’t say anything for a while. He watched the sun set, adding, “It drove me insane. She was the love of my life. To lose her and our son in the same day tore out my heart.”
“I understand.”
With a smile not reaching his eyes, he asked, “Do you? Have you lost a spouse and a child in the same day from your own incompetence?”
She heard the sarcasm in his voice, angering her. “Not me, no, but I understand how the loss of a wife drives a man mad. When Daggart lost Lizzy, he was silent and inconsolable for months. He’d not lost a child too, so I suppose you’re right that I have no idea of how you might have reacted.”
“Excuse me?” His expression changed as if finding one key out of many for a stubborn lock. “I’d been wondering if Lizzy was a completely different person. Who was she, other than Bartlett’s first wife?”
Beth crossed her arms, turning away from him. She felt childish doing so, but couldn’t answer his question. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I didn’t want to talk about my failing as a doctor, either.” He stepped up behind her, putting his hands on her shoulders. “I know you want to tell someone, and I’m good at not spreading gossip.”
She laughed at his attempt to sway her. “You’re right. I do want to tell someone, but can’t.”
Nicholas hugged Beth, saying in her ear, “You made yet another promise?”
His breath tickled in a way she liked. “Of course, and I don’t care for this one either.” Beth tilted her head to look at him with reproach. “I shouldn’t tell you anything.”
“But you will because I want you to and because you trust me.” His smile fading, he added, “I don’t care for how Bartlett treats you, and I don’t care for how much time he spends at Miss Amelia’s camp. He’s pretending to befriend her father, but anyone who sees them together suspects otherwise.”
She shrugged as much as his embrace allowed. “I’m not surprised. The ladies in the sewing circle hinted as much. I let it pass.” Beth paused, wanting to keep any envy from her tone. “Since she looks so much like Lizzy, I knew he’d make a pest of himself with her.”
Nicholas turned her around, examining her features. “You look nothing like Miss Amelia. Why are you pretending to be this Lizzy of Bartlett’s?”
The assessment stung a little and she gave him a bit of a glare. “Oh, I’m well aware of my looks. While I’m not the porcelain doll like her, I knew Lizzy best of anyone. She and I were twins.”
His face crumpled a little before he blurted, “Beth, I’m so sorry.”
“What? Why?”
“She may have been Bartlett’s wife, but she was your sister too. Did you get a chance to mourn Lizzy at all before becoming her for him?”
His observation surprised her and she swallowed the sudden lump in her throat. Beth stared at the middle of his chest, biting the inside of her lip, willing herself to not start sobbing like a baby. Nicholas put a hand to her cheek as a caress, leading her to look up at him and say, “My goodness, you’re the first person to ever ask such a thing. Both my father and Daggart were so distraught over Lizzy’s death. I had to take care of them.” She stared at her feet, shy from seeing the warmth in his eyes. “It’s getting dark. I’d like to go back to the bank. I need my, ok, I suppose, your shoes on.”
“All right, I’ll walk with you.” He took her arm. “Are you cold? You’re shivering.”
“I am, a little. Mostly from fear at how dark it is. Silly me, I like being able to see where I’m stepping.” She smiled, not liking to fib, but not wanting to tell him the truth just yet.
He helped her up to the grassy bank where their footwear was. “Can you tell me how Lizzy died?”
Already ashamed at how much she’d said to him and how emotional she’d been, Beth asked, “Are we going back to that again? Daggart is not going to like me talking about all this with you. If he knew, he’d be worse than furious.”
Grinning, he said, “We can discuss him and how I don’t care what he likes later. For me, I’d like to know what happened to your sister.”
She sat, pulling on her socks, then the boots. Once done, Beth glanced at Nicholas, still standing, waiting for her answer. “You are so stubborn, aren’t you? Very well, have a seat and I’ll give you the quick version.” He joined her, also putting on his footwear. She smiled at him doing little more than nothing in order to keep her talking. “The story explains a lot of oddities about me, and you’ll understand about poor Daggart.”
He snorted a laugh before sitting beside her. “You’re stalling and I doubt Mr. Bartlett is to be pitied in this. Please continue.”
Taking a calming breath, Beth picked at the tough blades of grass. “Lizzy drowned. She and I were washing clothes one day and a flash flood caught us both unaware. By the time either of us looked, a wall of water overtook us. We clung to each other, grabbing at anything solid. After hitting something underwater, we split apart. I made it to shore, she didn’t.” She hoped he understood her brother in law’s anger a little better now.
Nicholas paused before pulling on his second boot. “I see.”
Beth shook her head, not wanting to say more, but like a weakened beaver dam, her words flowed before she could stop. “Lizzy’s death devastated our father. She’d always been his favorite, since she looked like our mother. I was his buddy, his shadow, while she was the sun. Pap was ill from grief. He died from it six months after Lizzy.”
He watched as she picked and tore the grass’s seed stalks. In a quiet voice, he asked, “How long have you and Bartlett been married?”
She chuckled and pushed at his shoulder. “Oh now, haven’t you asked me enough questions?” Beth wondered how to distract him from this entire conversation. In an effort to focus on Nicolas instead of her, she chided him, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you worked for a newspaper instead of as a healer.”
“Let me guess, you’ve been married less than two years.”
“Of course. We’re not polygamists. Besides, I’ve had to share enough with Lizzy as it is.” Beth felt sick at the very idea of being herself and still married to Daggart. “I didn’t want to share a husband too. He’s a brother-in-law, or had been.”
He hugged his knees, gaze fixed on the horizon. “Why did you allow all this? My bet is on you were asked or forced.”
She glared at him. “You’re determined to learn everything, aren’t you?”
“I am,” he smiled. “Asked or forced, Beth?”
For a moment, she stared up at the faint stars appearing as the night darkened. The cool of evening brought the scent of wildflowers and creek water. She inhaled, almost enjoying the wet smell for a change. “Does it matter?”
“Forced, then.”
Repressed anger in his voice made her smile. She liked him being outraged on her behalf. “Yes, but not physically. My father made Daggart promise to take care of me. He agreed as long as I did my best to replace Lizzy. I think all of us weren’t in our right minds. Pa and Daggart missed Lizzy.” Beth couldn’t admit her feelings to him, about how it should have been her who died. Not her sister.
Nicholas exhaled a whistle. “It’s obvious to me his grief did drive Bartlett crazy, because no one could ever take my Sally’s place.” After a pause, he shook his head, adding, “I’d have to be insane to ask a woman to do so.”
“Even if you did ask, the woman couldn’t do well. I’m doing a lousy job of taking Lizzy’s place. I don’t look like her at all. I can’t act like her.” At his raised eyebrows, she explained, “I’m too shy. She loved being in town and crowds. I find all those people around me exhausting. I’d rather be home, and Lizzy hated staying on the farm.”
He leaned against her a little, their shoulders touching. “You’d told me once your name was Elizabeth Ann. What was her name, other than Elizabeth?”
“Elizabeth Louise. Our mother died before knowing she had twins, so Lizzy got Louise and I got Ann, a form of And.” Beth saw his incredulous expression. “I know, but it’s better than Two as a name. Pap wasn’t as creative as I’d hoped, but I rather like being Beth Ann.”
“I like Beth Ann better, myself.”
Beth paused, wondering if she should correct him. In for a penny, in for a pound, her father had always said. She took a deep breath and smiled at him. “Then you’d be wrong, Nicholas. I’m Beth Ann Roberts. Or I was, until I promised my father and Daggart I’d take Lizzy’s place.”
He stared at her through narrowed eyes, his brows almost meeting above his nose. “You never legally married him?”
His taking her into his confidence had led her to trust him. She needed to end this entire confessional. “I made a vow to be Lizzy for the rest of my life and that’s what I must resume.” She gasped when Nicholas gripped her by the arms.
“But Beth, it’s not what you should do. You should never have promised such a thing.”
“I can’t be Beth any more. Not to you or anyone else.” She couldn’t think while so near to him.
Nicholas held her closer. “I can’t agree. If you’re not Lizzy, you can’t be married to Bartlett.”
“This was mine and Daggart’s choice, not yours, and it’s done.” She tried to wrestle from his grip, his energy and ardor proving difficult for her to resist. She’d had enough sips of whisky on the sly to know what intoxication felt like, and it felt exactly the way Nicholas’s touch made her feel now. Reason left her when he arrived, every time. “Please address me by Lizzy, preferably by Mrs. Bartlett.”
“The man doesn’t love you, Beth.” He lifted her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze. “He loves Lizzy.”
She bit her lip, tears welling in her eyes and blurring her vision. “I know,” she choked. “He loves her more dead than anyone loves me alive.”
Nicholas pulled her against him, kissing her with a fury that took her breath. He hugged her tight, his arms feeling like steel. She didn’t struggle, wanting to abandon herself to the heady feeling of loving him. His hands caressed her back, molding her hips to his. He opened his mouth as they kissed, raking his tongue over Beth’s teeth and lips.
The sick flutter in her stomach from confessing gave way to a ticklish craving. “Nicholas,” she sighed against his lips.
“I’m not Daggart and I don’t want Lizzy. I want you, Beth.” Nicholas said in a whisper touching her mouth. He gently released her to arm’s distance. “When you decide to be my Beth Ann, then I’m yours and this can continue. Until then, you’re Mrs. Bartlett. That’s all you can be to me.”
Goosebumps raised on her arms. He said his Beth Ann? She shuddered with longing at the idea of being his. “I want to be myself, but can’t promise anything.”
“Of course not, you’re all sworn away with ridiculous promises. Once you decide those pledges are absurd and end them, you’ll be able to promise me anything you desire.” He gave her a quick, soft kiss. “Assuming you do desire me.”
She laughed at his suggestion. How many times had she let him kiss her? Making love to him sounded like a splendid suggestion. She exclaimed, “Ha! I want you far more than you fancy me.”
Nicholas gave her a wicked smile, “Somehow, I doubt it.” He grabbed up her pail of dishes, letting his shoulder brush against her stomach as he bend down. “Let’s go, sweetheart, before your brother in law notices you’re missing.”
Beth tried to deny the flush of need racing through her body even now. “He’s my husband and I can’t be your sweetheart,” she hissed.
“No, he’s not and not now, but later you can be.” he hissed back. When they reached the Bartlett’s camp, Nicholas handed her the pail. He swept up her hand, kissing it.
She watched him in shock. “You can’t say and do such things; they invite trouble.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He squeezed her hand before letting go. “Oh goodness, run and find someone else to tease before I become angry.”
He tipped an imaginary hat brim. “You win, for now.”
As Nicholas left her camp, Beth felt distressed. He was the only one, other than her and Daggart, who knew about her taking Lizzy’s place. No one in St. Joseph had known. Daggart and she had stopped going to Kansas City for supplies just to allay suspicions.
She wanted to cry. She’d done so well in the past year and a half, tolerating Daggart and replacing her sister for him. Her father had also forced her to agree, in a way, since Beth couldn’t deny his final wish. If she’d known men like Nicholas existed, she’d have run away before giving Pap her oath.
Used to the mindless routine, she set up the tent, laid out their bedrolls and tried to sleep. Snippets of her conversation with Nicholas stayed in her mind. He’d lost a wife too, and his voice softened when he mentioned her. Beth turned to her side, curling to hug her knees. He loved his Sally as much as Daggart still loved Lizzy. Tears slipped down, one to the side of her eye, the other across the bridge of her nose, and plopped onto the pillow. Beth couldn’t stop her feelings for him and knew she’d forever be his second choice. She wasn’t sure she loved anyone enough to accept life as a substitute yet again.
The train made good time the next morning, traveling sixteen miles. The Granvilles decided to camp near an Indian village. Beth wasn’t afraid of them thanks to meeting Jack, but still shy. While she’d seen plenty in St. Joe, there were so many of them here, she kept close to the wagon. She took out her knitting and sat in the shade, facing away from the village. Mr. Lawrence’s wool was tighter spun than the others. For him to have a well-fitting sock, Beth needed to knit up a test piece of fabric.
Concentrating on her work, Beth shrieked when she saw a little face peering at her from around the wheel. The little Indian girl giggled, and Beth laughed, too. The child came out to look at what she held. Beth showed her the knitted swatch of wool, letting her take it to hold. She smiled, her small round face beaming. Her dark eyes twinkled. Beth couldn’t help but notice how her skin looked like beige satin.
Beth made a little give-me movement, and the young lady handed back the swatch. Once she had the wool and needles, Beth quickly knitted a lace border and bound off. She picked up stitches along one side, knitted another lace border, and bound off, doing this for each of the remaining three sides of the square while her audience of one watched. After weaving in the tail, Beth gave the girl the knitted swatch.
Giving her a toothy grin, she skipped away, braids dancing. Beth watched her go while getting to her feet. She shook the dust from her skirt.
“What the hell did you just do, Lizzy?” Daggart yelled, grabbing her arm.
“Nothing,” she ground out from between gritted teeth. Beth worked to keep from yelping in pain. That arm stayed continually sore, thanks to him.
“Nothin’?” He shook her. ”I saw you give that Indian something.”
Her teeth rattled and she tried to pull free. “I just gave her a little bit of wool. Please stop hurting me!”
“You gave something to that dirty little Indian? Why the hell for?” He shoved her against the wagon but didn’t let go of her. “Now she and every last one of them are goin’ to come over here, beggin’ for handouts.”
He seemed so certain. She struggled to say, “No they won’t.”
“Goddamn it, they sure as hell will.” He hit a fist against his open palm. “All of them will be here, expectin’ you to feed them with my food.” Daggart gripped her arm again, squeezing harder this time. “I don’t have money to buy more at Fort Laramie, and you’re not giving my supplies to a bunch of animals.”
She sucked in air, trying to ignore how his fingers dug into her skin. “Please, Daggart. It was just a little bit of wool, nothing of yours.”
“It’ll be something of mine next time.” His voice grew louder with each word. “Whatever you don’t give them today; they’ll steal from us tonight.” He grabbed the back of her hair with his lef
t hand, fingernails digging into her. Despite her cry, he continued, yanking back on her hair with each word, “We’re goin’ to be scalped and killed tonight, ever last one of us, thanks to you.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Beth saw Nicholas holding the little girl’s hand. He led her away with a grim expression. She pleaded with Daggart. “Please don’t do this. You know you don’t mean any of it.”
He let go of her arm to grab her chin. He squeezed her face, sneering, “You’ve not seen the bones of white men scattered across the plains.”
Beth whimpered from the pain but was compelled to reply, “You’ve not seen it either.” He squeezed even harder, fingers digging into her jaw and she cried, “Stop, please stop! You’re hurting me.”
“Not as bad as you’ve hurt all of us.”
Samuel interrupted him with a cold, “What is going on here?”
Standing taller and still gripping Beth’s face, Daggart retorted, “None of your business. This is between me and my wife.”
Grabbing him by the shoulder, Samuel swung her husband around to face him. At such force, Daggart let go of Beth. “As loud as you were yelling, sir, it’s between you two and everyone else. This makes it my business.” Releasing the man, Samuel asked, “Do you need help in resolving this issue quietly?”
Daggart shifted from one foot to the other. “No, I’m just mad. My idiot wife gave an Indian runt something without a trade.”
“Daggart!” she gasped and stepped from his arm’s reach when he glared at her.
Clearing his throat, Samuel stated, “I don’t understand how this warrants a riot.”
Enunciating each word as if to a child, Daggart told him, “She’s goin’ to give away all my supplies before I find a single gold nugget.”
Nicholas walked up, holding the little girl’s hand. “Did I hear him yell something about Mrs. Bartlett causing the tribe to scalp and kill us tonight?”
Samuel laughed, shaking his head, “I think the whole country heard.”
“I’m glad you think this is funny,” Daggart sneered.
The younger brother sobered up fast. “I find it ridiculous. No wonder Chuck sent me over here. I’ll see to it no one from the tribe bothers you today or tonight.”
“You can’t promise me they’ll not hack us into little bits to eat.” He gave one of his mean little laughs. “They ain’t called savages for no reason.”
Nicholas stepped up to him, the girl hiding behind and clinging to him. “I’m more likely to do such a thing to you right now than they ever will be. Consider this a promise.”
Daggart took a staggering step backward as if propelled by the force of Nicholas’s fury. “Fair enough, then, I’ll take your word there’s no problem from savages tonight.”
Beth saw people, both whites and Indians, gathered around them. Embarrassed, tears filled her eyes and she wiped them away with a sleeve. Daggart stomped off, and as he walked away, Beth glanced at those assembled. She saw pity in everyone’s face and shame filled her. She ignored their stares and gave a wavering smile to the little girl hiding behind Nicholas, clinging to his leg. Her voice broke the tension. “Hello again, sweetie.”
Samuel asked, “Are you well, Mrs. Bartlett?”
The argument now ended with Daggart’s departure, Beth sighed in relief after glancing around the crowd. All the bystanders each moved on with better things to do. “Yes, I’m fine.” She gave him a small grin as if she meant her response. “It seems I have a guest from the village, though.”
Nicholas smiled at her, although his expression was still grim. “This young lady would like me to thank you for her gift. Her mother insisted on Sunny giving you something as trade until I explained this was a gift.”
“Sunny? What a perfect name for her!” Beth nodded, “Yes, her wool is a gift. I wouldn’t want anything in return.”
“I thought as much.” He knelt, said a few words to the girl, who laughed and ran back to her family. Nicholas straightened. “Despite what Bartlett thinks, these people don’t take what isn’t theirs.”
“I’m sure they don’t,” Beth replied.
“Your husband seems convinced all red men are savages,” Samuel said. “I would like for him to reverse his opinion before his words cause harmful action.”
She nodded slightly. “I would like that too.” Especially since their captains had such strong feelings. What if Daggart offended them enough to be left behind, Beth wondered. She wanted to believe Nicholas wouldn’t do such a thing, but didn’t trust her own judgment of him.
Nicholas’s eyes narrowed as he stared at her. “You have never stated your opinion. Do you agree with him concerning the natives?”
Beth bit her lip, thinking of how to answer honestly. “As his wife, I shou—”
“But you’re not—” Nicholas broke off at her warning glare.
She smoothed her skirt of possible wrinkles. “As his wife, I should agree.” Looking up at both men, she added, “As a human being, I have difficulty doing so.”
Samuel smiled. “Mr. Bartlett is fortunate to have a wife so loyal to him.”
“Sam, she isn’t his—” Nicholas kicked the ground, cursing, “Damn it all to hell! I’ve got things to do.”
His anger scared Beth. She watched him walk away and held her hands from nervousness. Rattled, she jumped a little when Samuel’s voice startled her.
“Mrs. Bartlett, I apologize for my brother’s rudeness. He’s been in a foul mood since yesterday sometime.” He smiled at her. “My brother also dislikes anyone disparaging Indians. He’s very protective of them.”
“I understand,” Beth said, although she didn’t. The man cosseted such an aggressive group of people. Surely they didn’t need his defense. She could think of only one reason why Nicholas would be so caring. “He must have friends in the tribe.”
“Ah. Something like that, yes.” Samuel tipped his hat. “If Mr. Bartlett needs calming, do let me know. I have a talent for making hotheads see reason.”
“Thank you, I will,” she lied. Beth feared the humiliation from her asking for another man’s help would kick off Daggart’s terrible temper. Beth sighed in relief as Samuel left.
Everyone seemed cranky without warmth, coffee, or tea. A drizzle gusted from the north, chilling Beth to the bone. The downpour darkened the day too early, and no one wanted to stop long for noon. She agreed with the other ladies, better to keep warm by moving. Later that evening and through the next morning the temperature remained too cold to even talk. The wind pushed rain into wherever they tried to sleep. Chimney Rock appeared in the west after almost twenty miles, giving everyone the reassurance of progress.
Beth kept on the south side of their wagon with Erleen, the sunbonnet’s brim keeping her face somewhat dry. The blowing rain made seeing anything impossible. She avoided Daggart, going to sleep just before dark. Even when around her, he’d kept to himself. For most of the day, their oxen needed his attention more than her mistakes did.
The next two days stayed cold and less windy. Warm food and hot coffee lifted spirits as did dry clothes. The air seemed to sparkle with the party’s improved mood. Beth hoped to see Nicholas a little. The days seemed long without him. She didn’t have the nerve to ask anyone where he was, but did notice Mr. Lucky wasn’t around either. The men rotated as scouts, she knew, and speculated this was his turn.
Just before nightfall, everyone took the opportunity to enjoy drinking from Scott’s Spring at Devil’s Gap. Abundant vegetation grew around the sweet, clear water, a welcome change from the muddy North Platte. A few tried climbing the bluffs to see from the top, but the loose soil at the bottom carried them back down each time. Beth gave socks to a grateful Chuck and Lawrence, with Samuel playfully unhappy at not receiving his.
Once all the cattle, oxen, and horses gathered the next morning, the wagon train moved through Devil’s Gap. The sandstone underfoot bore deep ruts from other emigrants. A couple of wagons were able to fit side by side between the two tall c
himney-like bluffs on either side, but most needed to pass through in single file. Past the bluffs, the land stretched out in front with no trees and no wood for noontime meals. A few had found driftwood by the river, but most of the timber still grew behind them on sandbars carved out by the North Platte.
After traveling an easy thirteen miles, the group continued to a place called Horse Creek. Each took a drink from the water jar filled at the bluffs. Beth and Daggart went about their evening chores as usual. Near dusk, she leaned against Erleen as the cow tugged at the dried grass. She relaxed and closed her eyes, enjoying the animal’s warmth and comforting bulk.
Erleen shifted her weight in search of a new supply of food, startling Beth into opening her eyes. She saw a couple emerge from the willows around the creek. Amelia and Nicholas walked along the bank, arm in arm. Beth didn’t want to watch, in case she saw an intimacy she’d not like. But, just as a disaster draws in gawkers, she couldn’t look away from them. The laughing girl whirled to face Nicholas, hugged him, and kissed both cheeks in a European fashion. She saw him grin and return her kisses. Beth turned towards Erleen, ignoring the sudden stinging in her eyes.