Carissa wasn’t surprised. Dr. Garrett was the logical choice. She wondered if she now would be asked to take on more duties as Dr. Garrett’s personal assistant. He was a quiet man and far more organized than Dr. Walters.
“Dr. Garrett asked that I be the one to let you know about the decisions he’s made for staff changes in light of my leaving.”
Carissa appreciated getting a heads-up whenever there were staff changes or schedule changes. It made her job easier.
Dr. Walters removed his glasses and looked at Carissa straight on, his brows lowering like flags at half-mast. “I’m afraid the decision is to let you go.”
She didn’t move. Then blinking, she repeated, “Did you say, let me go?”
“Yes. I’m very sorry, Carissa. I know you didn’t expect this.”
“I don’t understand. Why?”
“As is the case with most business decisions, finances were a determining factor. You know how challenging it has been to remain within our operating budget for the past year or so.”
“Yes, but I …” Carissa knew she was the highest-paid support staff in the office. She wasn’t prepared to justify her position.
Dr. Walters raised his chin. “Finances aren’t the only reason, though. The new operating system is now covering many of the responsibilities that originally were part of your job description. And the new billing and insurance procedures have improved greatly since you first came on staff.”
“Yes, that’s true, but …” Bravely rounding back her shoulders, Carissa tried to think of something brilliant to say. “Wouldn’t all the doctors agree that an office manager still is needed?”
“Yes, they do. All the doctors agree there is need. However, they see the position in a more limited capacity with fewer responsibilities.”
Dr. Walters shifted his position. “And that’s why it’s been decided that Molly will take on the office manager position. In a greatly reduced role, of course.”
“Molly?” Carissa felt her face going pale. “Are you sure the doctors all agreed to this?”
“Yes, they did. I no longer have a say in the final decisions around here, and for that I am sorry, Carissa. Very sorry.”
Carissa stared at him.
“The layoff is immediate. You’ll receive your compensation, of course. I expressed my confidence to the other doctors that you would stay on long enough to assist in a smooth transition. Dr. Garrett believes Molly is prepared to start immediately.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means you have today and tomorrow to get Molly up to speed on everything she needs to know. Tomorrow, Friday, will be your last day.”
Carissa could barely breathe. In a whisper she said, “And you agreed to this?”
Dr. Walters lowered his puppy dog eyes. “As I said, these decisions are out of my hands now. I know this comes as a deep disappointment to you, Carissa. I never expected my retirement to affect your position. I realize how much you’ve done for me here, especially over the past few years. You single-handedly kept me going at a productive level, and I’m very grateful. I want you to know you can depend on me for a top-notch reference wherever you decide to go next.”
Her throat was beginning to close. Carissa had no idea where she could go. She hadn’t applied for a new job in more than fifteen years. This was where she belonged.
“There is one more thing.” Dr. Walters reached into his coat pocket.
Carissa didn’t think she could handle “one more thing.” Not after all the life-altering news he had just given her. For a moment she wondered if he was going to pull out his pad and write her a prescription for a sedative to help her recover from the shock.
Instead he pulled out his key ring. Without saying anything, the aging gentleman worked at removing one of the keys with his short thumbnail.
“Hold out your hand.”
She did and was embarrassed to see that her hand was trembling. Dr. Walters placed a single key into her palm. The top of the key was painted white. Carissa looked at him for an explanation.
He smiled one of his pleased smiles. She had seen that look a number of times over the years. It was the smile that came to him when a patient’s blood work returned negative for diabetes or when he opened a biopsy report from the lab and saw the word “benign.” This was his life-giving grin, and he was giving it to her in the midst of her grave loss.
“What’s this for?” Carissa still held the key in her open palm.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow. Keep it in a safe place, and before you leave tomorrow, I’ll tell you what it’s for.”
For a long time after Dr. Walters exited her office, Carissa sat staring at the wall. The key remained in her clenched hand. None of what had just happened seemed real. She never expected to lose her job.
An overwhelming sense of grief crept up from her gut and seemed determined to wrap its clutches around her heart. It was the first time in her married life that she didn’t call Richard as soon as she had important news. How could she tell him anything right now?
It was also the first time in the past few years that she felt like crying out to God. Not that she knew what she would say to him either. Her drifting away had been slow and not obvious to others. But Carissa knew. She knew how it used to feel at moments like this when she could easily run to the deep, holy corners of her heart and cry out to God. He always met her there and calmed her in mysterious ways.
The portal to that quiet place now seemed a thousand miles away, across a treacherous ocean. Carissa felt very much alone.
Molly appeared at her partially opened door. “Is it okay if I come in?”
“Can we wait until later for this, Molly? I’m not quite ready to start your training.”
“Oh, I know.” Molly entered the office anyway. “I just wanted you to know that I didn’t realize this is what Dr. Garrett was going to decide. I didn’t ask for this, you know what I’m saying? I mean, I hoped I’d eventually get hired on full-time here, but not like this. This wasn’t my idea. I’m really sorry you’re leaving.”
Carissa felt herself soften a little with a twinge of compassion for Molly. In a low voice she said, “Don’t worry about it.”
“Well, I’ll try not to worry about your losing your job, but I can’t guarantee I won’t still feel bad about everything. I mean, I understand it’s going to be gruesome for you to have to train me, but we have only today and tomorrow; so if you can help me out a little here, it would be great. I’m available whenever you are.”
Carissa glanced at the key in her palm and then back at Molly. “We might as well start now. Why don’t you see if you can bring in another chair.”
Molly paused. “Oh. Okay. Sure. I can do that.”
Reaching for her purse, Carissa tucked Dr. Walters’s key into the coin pouch of her wallet. It was the safest place she could think of at the moment. She came to work numb. Now she was on autopilot.
The remainder of the day Carissa provided Molly with thorough direction and felt secretly amazed that she was coping as well as she was. At around four-thirty, though, Carissa felt as if her brain had stopped. All her synapses had gone on strike.
“Molly, how about if we stop and call it a day?”
“Are you kidding? That would be totally fine with me. I don’t know about you, but I’m on overload. This is a lot to learn.”
They agreed to come in at eight the next morning to start early. Carissa shut down her computer and realized she had an even bigger challenge facing her now. Would Richard be home when she got there? Or did he have clients again tonight?
Her office phone rang just then. It was her younger sister, Heidi.
“Hey, I’m glad I caught you. Would you like to meet up for coffee around seven tonight at Francine’s?”
Carissa hesitated. This was the worst time in her life to come under her sister’s scrutinizing eye. She did like the idea, though, of having plans so that she had an excuse not to go home. At least not right away.
&
nbsp; “Okay. Sure.”
“Really? Great! Is seven o’clock good for you?”
“Actually, I think I’ll go there for dinner. Do you want to have dinner with me, or meet me there at seven?”
“I can go now,” Heidi said. “As a matter of fact, I’m about three blocks from your office. That’s why I thought to call you. Do you want me to pick you up, and we can go together?”
“Sure. I’ll meet you out front.”
Carissa knew she couldn’t delay the inevitable forever. She had to go home eventually. She had to tell Richard she had lost her job. The two of them had to talk through their unresolved issues.
But before she faced all those difficult moments, what could it hurt to have a night out with her perpetually upbeat sister? Especially when Francine’s served the best chocolate hazelnut torte in all of Portland.
3
“Palupalu anei ‘oe, ane ma’ule ahina no?
E ho ‘oho a nonoi,
Mai mumule noi mau
Ku kokoke maia Iesu,
Makukau e kokua mai.”
“Do thy friends despise, forsake thee?
Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he’ll take and shield thee;
Thou wilt find a solace there.”
STANDING IN FRONT OF the medical office while waiting for Heidi, Carissa pulled out her phone. She typed a text to Richard, stating she would be home after nine.
Why am I telling him? If this had been last night, I wouldn’t have thought twice about letting him know I was going to dinner with Heidi. Last night it wouldn’t have mattered what time I was getting home.
She erased the text without sending it just as Heidi pulled up in her slightly battered Volvo station wagon. Heidi reached over to unlock the passenger’s door. “Hey, cute shirt. I don’t think I’ve seen that one.”
Carissa slid in and closed the door. “I’m sure you’ve seen it before. It’s not new.”
“What do you think of my earrings?” Heidi fingered the dangling beads and smiled at her big sis.
“Cute.”
Heidi’s blond hair was pulled up in a twist of chaos that somehow managed to look stylish. Like Carissa, Heidi had their father’s fair skin, thin nose, and pale blue eyes. His Scandinavian genes were, according to their mother, the only good thing he ever gave his two daughters.
“Don’t you recognize them?” Heidi asked.
“No.”
Heidi’s chin dipped, and her mouth opened in mock shock. The view revealed her scar from a tongue piercing gone bad.
“What?” Carissa asked.
“I can’t believe it. You forgot already. These are the earrings you bought for me a few weeks ago when we went to the Saturday market. Remember? I was looking at them and walked away, and then you told me you had to go to the bathroom, but you really went back and secretly got them for me. Do you remember now?”
Carissa nodded.
“Well, I absolutely love them. I’ve worn them practically every day since you gave them to me. In case I never thanked you, thank you. You’re always doing little sweet things for me. So tonight, I’m buying our dinner.”
When Carissa didn’t protest, Heidi looked at her more closely. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired.” Carissa tried to force a lighthearted expression.
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m famished. I’ve been craving chocolate all day, which is why Francine’s is the perfect choice. I need something with ganache. I’m counting on them having raspberry gâteau on the dessert menu tonight. This is not a crème brûlée sort of night, if you know what I mean.”
Carissa didn’t know what her sister meant, but it didn’t seem to matter. Heidi kept chatting about dessert options as Carissa tried to calm the rumble in her stomach. She wondered if subconsciously she had agreed to meet Heidi tonight because she knew she could elicit sympathy from her sister if she wanted it. Yet now that the opportunity was before her, Carissa knew she didn’t want sympathy. She didn’t want dessert either. She didn’t know what she wanted.
As Heidi steered the car back into the traffic flow, she glanced over at Carissa. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Did I tell you about that old skating rink off Belmont? The one we used to go to when we were kids?”
“What about it?”
“I read in The Oregonian that it’s being looked at by Whole Foods. Can you imagine how thrilled my husband would be if an organic grocery store were available within walking distance? He would be there every day, oogling the eggplants and caressing the cabbages.”
Carissa knew she should be grinning at Heidi’s quip, but her mind was too numb. Her sister’s marriage was in full bloom while hers was dying. Why? How did we get to this place of disconnect?
Heidi kept chatting, carrying on a one-sided conversation, as they drove across the Burnside Bridge. Carissa gazed out the lowered car window and watched the bikers weaving through a stream of strolling pedestrians as they all headed to downtown Portland on this mild August evening. The dark waters of the Willamette River hosted an assortment of motorboats as well as sailboats that appeared to be picking up their pace with the vibrant evening breeze.
How can the rest of the world so effortlessly be rolling along when my life is in the midst of such upheaval?
As they drove past Powell’s Books, Heidi rambled on about her new Pilates class while Carissa thought of all the times she had visited Powell’s on her lunch break. She especially loved to go on rainy days, which prevailed nearly nine months of the year in Portland. It lifted her spirits to prowl around the three-story labyrinth that covered a square city block and carried every new and used book imaginable. Was it only yesterday when she had come here and picked up the small book of poems?
I won’t be coming here like I used to, will I? After tomorrow, I won’t have lunch breaks to spend at Powell’s because I won’t have a job.
The realization sent another tremor through her fragile system.
“Do you mind walking?” Heidi asked.
“Walking?” Carissa tried to focus on her sister.
“To Francine’s. Parking is so difficult to find anywhere near Twenty-third Avenue.”
“I don’t care.”
Feeling Heidi’s scrutinizing gaze as they sat at a stoplight, Carissa decided she couldn’t do this.
“You know what? I changed my mind.”
“Okay. No big deal. I’ll drop you off in front of the restaurant and then go find a place to park.”
“No, I mean I changed my mind about going to dinner.” She tried to hide the wobble in her voice. “Can you take me back to the office?”
“Okay.” Heidi pulled into the parking lot of a Goodwill Store and made the turn to go back down the hill. “What’s going on? Something’s obviously bothering you. What is it?”
Carissa paused. While Heidi was commendably sympathetic, she was also quick to share personal information with others. If their mother got ahold of the news about Carissa’s job loss before she told Richard, it would be a mess. Saying anything to her sister now wasn’t a good idea.
Heidi reached over and gave Carissa’s hand a squeeze. “Hey, hello! Are you still with me?”
“Yes. Sorry. I’m just too tired to do this tonight.”
“That’s okay. What do you think it is that’s making you so spacey? Hormones maybe?”
“No, it’s not hormones.”
“Are you sure? Because my mother-in-law went on some sort of estrogen therapy a few years ago. She said she was spacey all the time and felt like she was going insane before she started the treatment. It’s worked well for her.”
“It’s not my hormones,” Carissa repeated, more firmly this time.
Heidi wouldn’t let it go. “Are you starting to have hot flashes? You could be premenopausal. You are in that whole empty-nest phase of life right now. I have a friend at work, about your age, and she gets vitamin B shots
every two weeks. She says it makes a world of difference in her energy level.”
“Heidi, I don’t need shots of any sort. I’m just under a lot of stress right now. That’s all. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Okay. That’s fine.”
To her credit, Heidi remained quiet for the next two stoplights. Then she said, “You do know that extra vitamin C is good for stress, right?”
Carissa bit the inside of her lip. But she didn’t say anything she later would regret. She was prepared for Heidi to start suggesting one of her thirty-day herbal cleanses, as she had in the past. This time Heidi seemed to pick up on the hints from her sister and managed to stop with all the advice. For someone who was nine years younger than Carissa, Heidi sure enjoyed stepping into the role of firstborn whenever Carissa was out of sorts.
Heidi pulled into the back parking lot of Hillside Family Physicians. With faux-finality, she said, “Sorry if I was bugging you with my suggestions. I was just trying to help.”
“I know.”
“I understand that you don’t feel like talking right now, but would you promise that you will call me when you do feel like talking?”
“I will.” Carissa reached over and gave her sister’s arm a “thanks for trying” squeeze. “I’ll call you in a few days.”
Heidi looped her arms around Carissa and cleverly managed to slide in one more piece of advice along with her closing hug. “I hope you can go home, take a long bath, eat something, and sleep. Get some good sleep.”
With a wave, Carissa climbed into her car. She drove straight home even though she still wished she had someplace else to go. As much as she didn’t want to go home to an empty house, even more she dreaded going home to find Richard there.
As she pulled into the driveway, she saw him in the front yard, mowing the lawn. He stopped and let the mower engine idle while the two of them exchanged noncommittal glances. This was so out of the ordinary for both of them—the cold stares, the inability to bounce back from a disagreement. She hated it. All of it. How was she going to tell him she had lost her job?