What I haven't mentioned is that Rube also had another job. He left school last year and got an apprenticeship with a builder, despite getting an abysmal result on his final exams.
I remember when he got them delivered.
He opened the envelope next to the slanted, slurred front gate of our house.
"How'd y' go?" I asked.
"Well Cam," he smiled, as if he was thoroughly pleased with himself. "I can sum it up in two words. The first word is completely. The second word is shithouse."
And yet, he got a job.
Straightaway.
Typical Rube.
He didn't need to work with the old man on Saturdays, but for some re he did. Maybe it was an act of respect. Dad asked, so Rube said yes. Maybe he didn't want anyone to think he was lazy. I don't know.
Either way, we were working with ol' Cliff that weekend, and he woke us nice and early. It was still dark.
We were waiting for Dad to get out of the bathroom (which he's always likely to leave in a pretty horrendous state, smell-wise), when Rube and I decided we'd get the cards out early.
As Rube dealt the cards at the kitchen table, I recalled what happened a few weeks earlier, when we had a game during breakfast. It wasn't a bad idea, but I managed to spill my cornflakes all over the deck because I was still half-asleep. Even this week there was still a dried cornflake glued to a card I threw onto the out pile.
Rube picked it up.
Examined it.
"Huh."
Me: "I know."
"You're pitiful."
"I know." I could only agree.
The toilet flushed, the water ran, and Dad came out of the bathroom.
"We go?"
We nodded and gathered up the cards.
At the job, Rube and I dug hard and talked and laughed. I'll admit that Rube's always good for a bit of a laugh. He was telling me a story about an old girlfriend of his who always munched on his ears.
"In the end I had to buy her some bloody chewie. Otherwise I wouldn't have my ears anymore."
Octavia, I thought.
I wondered what story he would have about her in a few weeks' time, when it was dead and gone and thrown out. Her searching eyes, ruffled hair, and human legs and nice feet. I wondered what quirks of hers he'd have to talk about. Maybe she insisted on him touching her leg in a movie, or liked turning her fingers in his hand. I didn't know.
It was quick.
I spoke.
"Rube?"
"What?"
He stopped digging and looked at me. "How much longer for you and Octavia?" "A week. Maybe two."
There was nothing for me to do but continue digging then, and the day wandered past.
At lunch, the fish was greasy and great.
The chips were sprayed with salt and drenched in vinegar.
When we ate, Dad looked at the paper, Rube took the TV guide, and I started writin words in my head. No more cards today.
That night, Mrs. Wolfe asked me how everything was going at school, and I returned to my earlier thoughts that week of whether or not she'd had cause lately to be disappointed in me. I told her everything was all right. For a moment, I debated whether I should tell someone about the words I'd started writing down, but I couldn't. In a way, I felt ashamed, even though my writing was the one thing that whispered okayness in my ear. I didn't speak about it, to anyone.
We cleaned up together, before dinner's leftovers had a chance to get stagnant, and she told me about the book she was reading called My Brother Jack. She said it was about two brothers and how one of them rose up but still regretted the way he lived and the way he was.
"You'll rise up one day," were her second-to-last words. "But don't be too hard on yourself," were her last.
When she left and I was standing alone in the kitchen, I saw that Mrs. Wolfe was brilliant. Not smart-brilliant, or any particular kind of brilliant. Just brilliant, because she was herself and even the wrinkles around her aging eyes were the shaded color of kindness. That was what made her brilliant.
"Hey Cameron." My sister Sarah came to me later on. "You feel like goin' out to Steve's game tomorrow?"
"Okay," I replied. I had nothing better to do.
"Good."
On Sunday, Steve would be playing his usual game of football, but at a different ground from the local, out more Maroubra way. It was only Sarah and me who went to watch. We went up to his apartment and he drove us out there.
Something big happened at that game.
THE COLOR OF KINDNESS
I've thought once in a while about the color of kindness, and I realize that its shades and contrasts are not painted onto a person. They're worn in.
Have you ever stood in your kitchen and felt like falling to your knees?
I don't know.
There are very few things that I know for sure.
I know that when I eat fish and chips, my fingers and throat get greasy. The gorgeous ugliness of it slithers to my stomach, but it's all forgiven when my old man smiles at me, and I wouldn't trade that grease for anything.
When I look in the mirror, I see the color of awkwardness and uncertainty and longing.
If there was an expert amongst these pages, they'd say that I just want to belong somewhere.
But the truth is, I'm not sure I want to belong.
Not like everyone else.
That's what scares me.
CHAPTER 5
On the way up to Steve's, I wondered what the hell my sister Sarah was going to do with her life. She walked next to me, and most men who walked past us watched her. Many of them turned around once they'd gone past and took a second look at her body. It seemed that to them, that's all she was. The thought of it made me a little sick (not that I can talk), and I hoped she would never end up actually being that life.
"Friggin' perverts," she said.
Which gave me hope.
The thing is, I think we're all perverts. All men. All women. All disgruntled little bastards like me. It's funny to think of my father as a pervert, or my mother. But somewhere, in the crevices of their souls, I'm sure they've slipped sometimes, or even dived in. As for me, I feel like I live in there at times. Maybe we all do. Maybe if there's any beauty in my life, it's the climbing out.
Like always, Steve was pretty quick to come down once we arrived at his apartment. He was on the balcony, raised his head, and next thing, he was with us, keys in hand. Steve's never been late for a single thing in his life.
He chucked his gear in the boot and we left.
We took Cleveland Street, which is always a bit choked, even on Sundays, and the radio was quiet as Steve drove. People cut him off and buses pulled out in front of him, but nothing moved him. He never blew the horn or yelled. To Steve, such things were irrelevant.
It was good for me to be at the ground at Maroubra that day. It was good to watch Steve and his ways. Just like the words I'd been writing made me feel and see things differently, it also gave me a greater curiosity. I wanted to see the way people moved and spoke and the reactions they were given. Steve was a good person to take notice of.
There was a rope fenced around the field and from where Sarah and I stood, I could see Steve approach the other members of his team. Every one of them looked his way and said something very briefly. Only one or two spoke with him longer. He stood at the edge of them and I could tell he wasn't close with them. With any of them. Yet, they liked him. They respected him. If he wanted it, he could have laughed with them and been the one that everyone listened to.
But it meant nothing there.
Not to Steve.
In the game, though, when he said he wanted the ball, he would get it. When something big was needed, Steve would do it. In the easy games the others would shine, but when things were hard, Steve was there, even if it was on his own.
They got ready and there was a lot of shouting and carrying on from the dressing sheds and both teams ran out. Steve was the captain of his team, and like I thoug
ht he would, he spoke a lot more on the field. Never yelling. I could just always see him mentioning something toplayer or telling him what he had to do. Each one listened.
It was three o'clock when the game started.
The crowd was pretty big, with most of them drinking beer or eating meat pies or both. Many of them shouted things out, often losing food or spit from their mouths.
As was often the case, there was a brawl in the first few minutes, which Steve stayed right out of. There was a guy who leaped up and hit him around the throat, and everyone ran in. Punches collided with skin, and fists were cut up on teeth.
Steve only got up and walked away.
He crouched down.
He spat.
Then he got up, took the penalty, and ran twice as hard.
They called his name incessantly. "Wolfe. Watch Wolfe."
They would send a few guys to take care of him every time, making sure to hurt him.
Each time Steve returned to his feet and kept going.
It made Sarah and me smile, as Steve sliced through them a few times and set up other people to score. By halftime, his team was well in front. It was late in the second half when the importance of the day occurred.
The sky was a heavy gray and it was about to rain.
People were huddling now, in the cold.
A slippery wind was sliding across the air.
Kids kicked a ball and chased it behind us, with tomato sauce glued to the corners of their mouths, and scabs on their knees.
Steve was lining up a shot at goal from as far out on the field as you could get, right where the opposition supporters stood.
They mocked him.
Swore at him.
Told him he was useless.
As he moved in to kick the goal, a can of beer was thrown at his head. Beer flew out of it and the can slapped my brother on the side of his face.
He stopped.
Mid-step.
He froze.
In no rush, he bent down, picked up the can, and studied it. He turned to the group where it came from, who were quiet almost immediately, and without looking at them again, he gently placed the can on the ground, out of the way, and lined the kick up again.
The crowd watched as Steve moved in and kicked the ball.
It rose up and soared through the posts, and Steve turned to face the people at his side. He stared at them for a few seconds, then returned to the game, leaving the beer can, half-full, half-empty, and halfarted as it lay abandoned next to the sideline.
As I watched the end of the incident, I couldn't help but notice that Steve's stare wasn't angry in any way. If anything, it was amused. He could have done anything he wanted. He could have said anything. He could have spat at them or hurled the can right back at them.
But that was something they could have done just as easily.
There was no way they could have walked in again, taken the shot, put it straight through the middle, and then stared as if to say, "Well? Have you got anything else for me?"
That was how he beat them.
That was how he won.
He did the only thing they weren't capable of themselves.
When I realized that, I couldn't help but laugh, which made Sarah do the same, and we were the only people laughing in the whole ground. For everyone else, the game went on.
The game went on, the rain held off, and Steve's team won by a country mile.
When it was over, he said his good-byes and that maybe he'd go for a drink with the other players, though everyone knew he wouldn't. We were going home.
There was more silence in the car than anything else, and I don't know about Steve or Sarah, but I couldn't stop thinking about the thrown beer can. I kept seeing the ball soar through the posts and the content stare on Steve's face. Even when Sarah reached for the dashboard and sang with the radio, it was the memory of that stare that spoke loudest through my mind. His face was the same now as he drove, and in some strange way, I think Steve was also thinking about it. I was even expecting him to smile, but he never did.
Instead, we were all pretty quiet, until Steve dropped us home.
"Thanks," Sarah said.
"No worries. Thanks for coming."
As I was about to get out of the car myself, Steve stopped me.
He stopped me with, "Cam?"
"Yeah?"
He looked into the mirror and I could see his eyes as he talked to me.
"Just hang on a minute."
This had never happened before, so I was unsure of what to expect. Would he tell me what the stare had meant, or how it felt to make those people look so stupid? Would he give me a guide on how to be a winner?
Of course not.
Or, at least, not like that.
His eyes were soft and honest as he spoke and it was strange for me to be feeling this way about Steven He said, "When I was your age, there were these four other blokes who beat me up. They took me round the back of a building and beat me up for some reason I'll never know." He stopped a moment and he wasn't emotional in any way. He wasn't telling me some sob story about how other kids hated him and this was why he'd turned out the way he did. He was just telling me something. "When I was lyin' there, all crumpled up, I vowed that each one of them was going to get his share of what they all did to me. I went over it in my mind and thought about what I wanted to do. Every morning, every night; and when I was ready, I went to them, one by one, and beat the absolute crap out of them. By the time I'd got to three of them, the last one tried to make peace." The eyes sharpened a little, remembering. "I bashed him too, even better than the other three." He stopped.
He stopped talking and I waited for more, until I realized that was it, and I nodded to my brother. At the eyes in the mirror.
For a moment, I wondered, Why is he telling me this?
He didn't look proud or happy. Maybe just that same expression of contentment as before. Or maybe he was just glad he'd told somebody, because it sure didn't seem like he'd tell a whole load of people what he'd just told me. I couldn't be sure. As usual.
Finally, when I got out of the car, I wondered if anyone knew my brother. I wondered if Sal knew him.
I just knew that Steve was talking to me that day and it felt all right.
No, it felt good.
When he left, I waved to him but he was already halfway up the street. In the house, Octavia was sitting in our kitchen.
Rube wasn't.
They were as good as over. She looked beautiful.
ALLEY BOYS
There must be thousands of alleys in this city. Dark alleys everywhere.
In many of them, people have fought, cutting each other down and placing punches and kicks to bodies that have already fallen....
But what about the alleys in a person?
In a boy?
In a human?
How many times have I beaten myself down? I wonder. How many times have I lain there, in one of those alleys, between buildings that shiver and houses who slouch, their hands fixed in their pockets, doing nothing?
Tonight, I run through those alleys.
Past wounded cars.
Down grimly lit stairways.
Till I'm there
I feel it.
Know it.
I see myself, lying there, at the bottom of the deepest, darkest alley. A slight breeze wades across the floor of it. It whispers to the rubbish, then picks it all up and moves it along.
Get up, I tell me.
Get up.
Slowly, I do. I make myself realize that it's okay to be Cameron Wolfe, and desire reaches through me again.
I realize that there's no one else in these alleyways, to beat me down or help me up.
There's only me.
CHAPTER 6
Three words: God damn Miffy.
I wasn't really in the mood for walking him, especially when I had to wait around quite a while for Rube.
At first, I sat in the kitchen with Octavia.
She didn't look too impressed with things, considering she and Rube were supposed to be going out that afternoon. It must have slipped Rube's mind. At least, that was what I told her. Me, though? I knew. Rube was away from her on purpose. I'd seen him do this before.
Come in late.
Argue.
Tell them he doesn't need this garbage.
It was a pretty good technique for Rube. He didn't mind being the villain.
There were leftovers on offer, but Octavia didn't stay for them. I walked out with her and we remained on the front porch a while, talking, and even managing to laugh now and then. Next door, I think Miffy could hear us and was expecting his walk. He sounded agitated at first, then started going off his nut.
"I'll just go get him," I said, and quickly went next door to pick up the little bastard.
When we got back, I noticed Octavia was shivering.
As she stroked the dog, I took off my jacket and offered it to her. She accepted it, and soon after she said, "It's warm, Cam." She looked just past me. "It's the warmest I've felt for a while...."
In a way, I hoped she wasn't just talking about the jacket, but it was better not to think that way. When you think like that, you end up standing outside people's houses, waiting for something that never comes.
She gave it back when we walked down to the gate and I opened it for her.
The moon was stuck to the sky and Octavia said, "The's no point coming back really, is there?"
"Why?" I replied.
"Don't why me, Cameron." She looked away and glanced back. "Don't worry about it." Even when she leaned onto the gate with her hands and her voice became unsteady, Octavia looked great, and I don't mean that in a dirty kind of way. I just mean that I liked her. I felt sorry for her, and for what Rube was doing to her. Her eyes smiled at me, for just a moment. One of those hurt smiles a person gives you to let you know they're okay, even though they're far from it.
After that, she left.
When she was just past the gate, I asked, "Octavia?" She turned around. "Y' gonna come back?" "Maybe," she smiled. "One day."