Soon, though, I was stabbed.
A feeling shook through me and cut me loose. All my thoughts were off the chain, until one solitary sentence arrived and wouldn't leave me.
The words and Octavia.
That was the sentence.
It wavered in me.
It saved me, and almost whispering, I said to Steve, "Don't worry, brother. I don't need you to tell Sal that I'm not a loser." We were still separated by the flyscreen. "I don't need you to say it to me either. I know what I am. I know what I see. Maybe one day I'll tell you a little more about me, but for now, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm nowhere near what I'm going to be, and ..." I could feel something in me. Something I've always felt. I paused and caught his eyes. I leaped into them through the door and held him down. "You ever hear a dog cry, Steve? You know, howling so loud, it's almost unbearable?" He nodded. "I reckon they howl like that because they're so hungry it hurts, and that's what I feel in me every day of my life. I'm so hungry to be somethin' -- to be somebody. You hear me?" He did. "I'm not lyin' down ever. Not for you. Not for anyone." I ended it. "I'm hungry, Steve."
Sometimes I think they're the best words I've ever said.
"I'm hungry."
And after that, I shut the door. I didn't slam it.
You don't shoot a dog when it's already dead.
WHEN DOGS CRY
I saw a dog cry once.
It was one of those nights when the wind tries to tear the ground along with it, and a storm stirs itself amongst the sky. Lightning roared and thunder cracked above me.
The street was empty but for the dog, first walking the dangerous, desolate city floor, silently clicking over it with his paws and claws. He looked hungry, and desperate, until he simply stood there, and began.
He reached deep, and his fur stood on end, climbing ferociously up. From his heart, from everything in his instinct, he began to howl.
He howled above the howling thunder. He howled above the howling lightning, and beyond the howling wind.
With his head claiming the endless sky, he howled hunger and I felt it rise through me.
Iunger.
My pride.
And I smiled.
Even now, I smile, and I feel it in my eyes, because hunger's a powerful thing.
CHAPTER 13
The phone was ringing. Wednesday night. Just past seven o'clock.
"Hello?"
"Ruben Wolfe?"
"No, it's Cameron here."
"Tell you what," the voice went on, laced with friendly malice. "Could you get him for me?"
"Yeah, who's callin'?"
"No one."
"No one?"
"Listen, mate. Just get y' brother on the phone or we'll beat the crap out of you as well."
I was taken aback. I pulled the phone away, then returned it to my ear. "I'll get him. Hang on a minute."
Rube was in our room with Julia the Scrubber. I knocked on the door and went in.
"What?" said Rube. He wasn't happy to
see me, and neither was Julia. She adjusted her clothing.
I took another step into the room. "Someone on the phone."
"For me?" Rube asked.
I nodded.
"Well who is it?"
"Do I look like y' bloody secretary? Just get up and answer the phone."
He looked strangely at me, got up grudgingly, and walked out, which left me in the room with Julia the Scrubber, alone.
Julia the Scrubber: "Hi Cam."
Me: "Hi Julia."
Julia the Scrubber, smiling and moving closer: "Rube's been tellin' me you're not too much in love with me."
Me, inching away: "Well I guess he can tell you whatever he wants."
Julia the Scrubber, sensing my complete lack of interest: "Is it true?"
Me: "Well, I don't know, to be honest. It isn't really any of my business what Rube does ... but I know for sure that whoever's on that phone wants to kill him, and I've got some idea cause of you."
Julia the Scrubber, laughing: "Rube's a big boy. He can take care of himself."
Me: "That's true, but he's also my brother, and there's no way I'd let him bleed alone."
Julia the Scrubber: "How very noble of you."
Rube came back in, saying, "I don't know what you're talkin' about, Cam. There's no one on the phone."
"I'm tellin' you," I said, pulling Rube out into the hallway. Once we got there, I whispered at him. "There was a guy there, Rube, and he sounded like he wanted to kill you. So when the phone rings again, get up and answer it."
The phone did ring again and this time Rube came running out of the room and got it. Again, they hung up on him. By the third time, Rube barked into the phone. "How 'bout you start talkin'? If you want Ruben Wolfe, you've got him. So talk!"
There was no response from the other end, and the phone didn't ring again that night, but after Julia left, I could see that Rube was a little pensive. He was about as worried as Ruben Wolfe gets, because he knew without doubt now, like I did, that something was coming. In our room, he looked at me. In the exchanging of our eyes, he was telling me a fight was looming.
He sat on his bed.
"I guess that bad feeling you had was right," he began. "About Julia. It's definitely that last bloke she had." It wasn't like Rube to be scared, because we both knew he could take care of himself. He was one of the most liked but most feared people in our neighborhood. The only trouble now was that nothing was certain. It was a feeling, that's all, and I could sense Rube was feeling it as well. I could smell it.
"Did you ask what's-her-name about him?"
"Julia?"
"Yeah."
"She reckons he isn't the brightest spark, and that he's got way too much time and a lot of friends. She was with him for about a year."
"And she just up and ditched him?"
Rube looked over. "That would about cover it."
"For you? He must be a real ugly bastard if she quit him for you."
"Don't get smart," he half warned. "... I'd consider gettin' after him, but you always end up worse when you do that. That's when they come back for y' with half their bloody neighborhood behind 'em."
We were quiet for a while, both thinking about it.
"If somethin' comes up," finally said, "I'll be there, okay?"
Rube nodded. "Thanks, brother."
The phone rang the next night as well, and the next.
On the third call of Friday night, Rube picked up the phone and shouted, "What!?" He then grew quiet.
"Yeah." A pause. "Yeah, sorry about that." He looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders. "I'll get him." He took the receiver away and covered the mouthpiece. "It's for you." He held it out to me, thinking. What was he thinking?
"Hello?"
"It's me," she said. Her voice reached through the phone and took me. "You working tomorrow?" "Till about four-thirty."
She thought for a moment. "Maybe," she said, "we can do something when you get back. I know an old movie house. I think they're playing Raging Bull." Her words were soft but intense. The voice was excitement. The voice was shivers.
I smiled. I couldn't help it. "For sure."
"I'll come over just after four-thirty."
"Good, I'll see you then."
"I have to go." She almost cut me off, and she didn't say good-bye. She said, "I'm watching the clock," and she was gone.
When I hung up, Rube asked what I knew he would.
"Who was that?" He bit into an apple. "She sounded familiar."
I moved closer and sat at the kitchen table and swallowed. I concentrated on breathing. This was it. This was it and I had to say it. "Remember Octavia?"
Nothing was said.
The tap dripped.
It exploded into the sink.
Rube was halfway through another bite when he realized what I was saying.
His head tilted. He swallowed the piece of apple and made the calculation, while I was thinking, Oh
no, what the hell's about to happen here?
Something happened.
It happened when Rube went and tightened the tap, turned back around, and said, "Well Cam ..." He laughed.
Was that a good laugh or a bad one? Good laugh, bad laugh? Good laugh, bad laugh? I couldn't decide. I waited.
"What?" I asked. I couldn't stand it anymore. "Tell me."
Nervously started telling him about what happened. I told him about standing outside the house in Glebe. About Octavia showing up. About the train and going there, and the shell, and --
"It's all right, Cam," he said, but I wasn't sure about the expression on his face. "That Octavia," and he shook his head now. "You'll treat her like a goddess, won't y' Cam?"
I smiled, but didn't bare my teeth. This seemed too easy.
He repeated the question. "Won't y' Cam?" because we both knew the answer.
This time, I couldn't hide the smile, even though I was still uneasy about Rube's response. He seemed happy enough, but in all honesty, Rube was never the type to let you wonder what he was thinking. He laughed a little and I decided that was a good thing, and we stayed together in the kitchen, just as Sarah came in.
"What's going on?" she asked. "What's all this smilin'? It looks like the end of a Scooby bloody Doo episode in here."
Rube clapped his hands. "Wait till you hear this," he nearly shouted. I don't know -- he appeared to be trying too hard. "Remember Octavia?"
"Of course."
"Well." He was more subdued now. "Looks like you'll be seein' a bit more of her again because --"
"I knew it!" Sarah went through him. She pointed at me. "I knew there was a girl, you little bastard, and you wouldn't tell me anything!" I'd never seen Sarah grin like this. "Wait!" she said, and maybe thirty seconds later, she came back with her Polaroid camera and took an instant shot of Rube and me, both leaning against the sink.
"Smile again, will y's," she said, and we did.
We crowded around to watch the picture form, and soon I could make out the rough gatherings of Rube's hair and the outline of my face. The apple was still balancing in Rube's hand and we were standing there, leaning, both in old jeans, Rube in a flanno work shirt, me in my old spray jacket. It appeared to be so right, both our faces imprinted with smiles.
Appeared ...
Sarah pulled the photo closer to her.
"I love this picture," she said, without a moment's thought. "It looks like brothers."
What brothers should be, I thought, and we all continued looking at it, as the tap still dripped down, exploding more quietly now, into the sink.
"Give us a look at that," Rube said, and he snatched the photo from Sarah's hand. Immediately, I could tell. Somehow I knew.
The way he did it.
The way his eyes zeroed in on the photo. I knew my brother was about to ruin everything. In the last few minutes, it had been coming, and now it was here. A quiet anger about the situation had reached him completely now. He'd decided that he didn't like this at all. Octavia and Cameron -- to Rube, it wasn't right. It didn't sound right. It didn't feel right. In his eyes, I could see it now. He was about to end it, on gut feeling.
He smiled, but suddenly it wasn't genuine anymore. It was sarcastic as he said, "Yes sister, this sure is a great shot you've produced here." He showed it to her as if he'd taken it himself. "It's such a great shot of me and young Scraps here, isn't it?"
Sarah was confused. "Scraps?" she asked, just as I felt my insides collapse.
"Sure," my brother laughed, still focused on the photo. I could only just hear his words above the anxiety that boxed me in the ears. "Sure sister," he explained. "Scraps -- I find the girls and Cam picks up the scraps...."
I remember Sarah looking over at me then.
With a few sentences, Rube had destroyed me. Weeks later, I found out why he really did it, but for now, it seemed like he'd done it only because he was capable -- because he was the guy who got the girls in this house, not me. Not Cameron. And especially not with a girl who was once with him.
Defeat opened the kitchen floor at my feet, raising its hands up to pull me down. Stay calm, I told myself as I watched Sarah pull the photo back from Rube's hands. A wounded look scattered slowly and painfully across her face, and when she looked back at me, I felt my anger gathering itself together. When it was all there, I climbed up from the defeat and stood before my brother, face-to-face.
I read his expression. It shaped up to me.
"You're a real bastard," I said. It didn't sound like me, though. I didn't normally have this much aggression in me. "You know that?"
"Well just remember that you pick up the scraps of a bastard," he answered. "If it wasn't for me you'd have nothing," and that was it. It was all I needed. I leaped at my brother and tore him down to the floor. In the background I could hear the shrieks of Sarah. I couldn't even understand her for the electricity in my ears, and too quickly, I could see the plates and cups and forks from the table crash silently to the kitchen floor. Straightaway, I was on my back. Rube, the faster, the stronger, had me pinned. Next I saw his fist, close up. It met my face right beneath my eye and everything shook. I thought the ceiling was splitting apart, and just when it all joined up and found its right place again, it burst open as my brother threw his fist into my face many times. His knees burned through my shoulders. His eyes tore into me. And his hair showered into his face as I fell limp and took it now without feeling anything.
"Stop it!" I heard Sarah screaming now. She'd gone out and come running back into the kitchen with a bucket of. She threw it down just as Rube got off me. The freezing water splashed over me, covering me like a nice, icy blanket. "Bastard!" she yelled and threw the bucket at Rube. He shrugged it off and walked out.
Just before exiting the room, he pointed his finger at me.
"What the hell's wrong with you, anyway?" he said callously. "You couldn't find anything of your own, could y'?" He laughed. "Jesus! You don't pick up the girls y' brother once had. It's low! It's screwed up, you bloody freak!" He laughed hard and angry and awful. "How 'bout I give y' Julia's number when we're done? Would y' like that?" He left then, finally, slamming the front door behind him.
And me?
I was spread out on the kitchen floor.
Bruised. Soaked.
Beaten.
I closed my eyes and opened them again. The whole thing seemed surreal.
Did that really happen? I asked myself, but then the swelling on my face proved it to me, aching and turning over my skin. The disbelief and shock held me down -- I'd always been worried about telling him, and now my worst fears had been realized. They were free to trample me.
Slowly, I looked all around.
The kitchen floor was covered with water, broken crockery, and other assorted scraps.
PIECES
Sometimes there only seem to be clouds.
Tonight, the clouds hang above me, sulking in the sky. They watch me write the words. I don't even think they bother to read them.
I imagine myself in a room, where some shattered pieces are strewn on the floor, in front of me.
As I walk toward them, I have no idea what they are, so I approach with trepidation. They seem to be a puzzle, all torn up and thrown apart. They look injured.
I crouch down and begin putting them together, finding each scrap that surrounds my feet.
Gradually, I see the picture form as I put it all together.
Gradually, I see.
These pieces on the ground.
Are made of me.
CHAPTER 14
I didn't go out with Octavia the next night.
She showed up right at the time she said she would, but when she saw my face, she knew immediately what had happened. I had a bruise that swelled b around my eye and slid across my cheekbone. When she came onto the porch, I remember seeing her eyes back away from me. It didn't take long for her body to follow.
There was no hello.
No niceties.
> I only stood and wanted to touch her hand, and the girl said, "Is that ...?" Is that.
All I could do was nod my head in agreement with the question that was cut in half. It was an attempt to ignore the pain of it. Is that from Rube? is what she'd really meant to say.
Watching her feet.
I recall it so clearly -- watching as her feet backed down the steps, carrying her toward the gate.
She said, "I'm sorry, Cam." Her words winced. "I'm so sorry -- I should have known." The pain she felt at coming between my brother and
me was obvious. It was wringing itself out through her expression. Her face dripped to the ground. What she didn't know was that it wasn't just her that came between Rube and me the previous night. It was everything that was different about us. It was Rube being the winner and me not settling to be the underdog anymore. It was the way he treated girls against the way I wanted to treat them. It was me facing the reality that I had lived my whole life not in Rube's shadow, but behind it, not even able to touch it. Yes, it felt like everything.
"Please," I called out then, afraid that it sounded like a yelp. "Octavia, don't go."
But she did.
She shook herself from the gate and walked onto the street. Half a walk. Half a run. There was panic in every footstep, and the sound of each one seemed to erase everything else that had happened before. Her face had been so full of sacrifice. In an instant she was willing to give up whatever she wanted, or what the two of us wanted, for the sake of Rube and me. She left so fast, and my reactions were simply too slow.
Can it be so quick? I asked myself. Can everything burn down so fast? Can she just tread past me because of Rube?
The truth of it kept rolling over me. It was like a virus, arriving with more strength with each passing thought of it. I replayed it at least a hundred times within a few minutes. Her words, her face. And the savage sound of her soft, falling footsteps.
How could it be so fast? I asked again, but there were no answers. A week ago she wanted every piece of me.
She loved me even for my failures, like not being able to lean on the glass windows in the tower. She loved the shell and my words. All those things were gone now.
I'd envisioned so many things for this night.
A cold street with us walking through it, warm.
An empty movie cinema, but for us.
Laugh
Talking.
Sitting in the underground waiting for Octavia's train home.