I glanced away from him, and I wondered how many people like me Branford may have killed in anger, and my thoughts lingered on the carriage driver. He most certainly would have died if Branford had not listened to my pleas. I still wasn’t even sure why I begged for the man’s life or why Branford decided to retract his punishment. I felt an unbidden shudder run through my limbs.
“The next thought I had was of you. I thought about how easily a similar fate could have befallen you long before I ever laid eyes on you. You could have come to a similar end, and then you would not be here with me now. I found this thought to be very…unsettling.”
I felt pressure from his fingers against my back. One of his hands moved up my back, and he pulled me against him until my head rested on his shoulder, and my body pressed tightly against his. He dropped his other arm and wrapped it around the top of my legs. He was holding me almost like one would hold a child.
“The idea of harm coming to you is difficult for me to imagine. I realize that may sound ridiculous to you, given my recent behavior, but I was not in my right mind at the time. Sometimes my temper can hinder my ability to think clearly, and I act on impulse instead of thought. But sitting here now, contemplating the idea, I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about your being hurt or killed. And to know I caused such a mark on you...”
Branford’s words trailed off, and I felt his touch against my hair.
“Are there any others, Alexandra?” he asked, his voice full of concern. “Did I hurt you anywhere else? If you don’t warn me before I see any other marks…”
Again his words disappeared, and I didn’t take long to decide that telling him about my bruised arm would be much better than having him find it on me later.
“My arm is bruised a little,” I said quietly. “But that’s all. It doesn’t hurt.”
“It doesn’t hurt,” Branford muttered under his breath. I glanced up to see him close his eyes and take several slow, deep breaths. He mumbled something else, but I couldn’t make out the words. He tilted his head back against the chair as he stared up at the ceiling for a moment. He blinked a few times, took a long, slow breath, and turned toward me. I felt his lips pressed against the top of my head.
“I’m well trained in how to lead knights into battle,” Branford said. “I know how to motivate them and how to ease their fears. I know what to say when they are unsure of themselves, and I need to convince them to continue on, and I know what to do when they see the battle as lost but still must fight until there are none of them left. But you…”
Branford brushed the backs of his fingers over my cheek and then turned me to face him.
“I have to figure it out,” he said quietly. “I can’t expect you to be able to tell me what you need any more than I could expect those men to tell me how to give their lives with pride and confidence for their kingdom. It’s unreasonable. There has to be a way…”
His gaze went wide for the briefest of seconds before his half smile returned to his face. He looked right into my eyes with a strange glimmer in his gaze, and I wondered if it was because the light from the fire was hitting his eyes just so. He reached to push the fallen strands of hair from the side of my face back behind my ear and over my shoulder. He traced along the outside of my arms with his finger until he reached my side, where he set his hand comfortably against the rounded part of my hip.
“You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,” Branford said. “You’re kind and devoted, which is exactly what I wanted in a wife. I think I am beginning to understand why you do not speak to me the way I wish, but we will just have to find a way to…well, to change that. I know it will be slow because asking you to unlearn such behavior at my whim is hardly reasonable. Still, I want you to try, starting with when we are right here in this chair with you on my lap. If you feel there is something you should tell me, we will sit here like this. I promise to listen to anything you say. You will never be punished for speaking to me when we are in this place. If I ask you a question here, you may answer with what is on your mind with no fear of retribution. Do you understand?”
“I think so.”
“In return, I want you to always answer me truthfully when we are here,” Branford said, continuing, “and if there is anything you want to tell me, or think you should tell me, ask me to sit here with you. Will you promise to do that?”
“Yes, my…Branford.”
“We’ll sit here every night we can before we go to bed. If there is anything you wanted to say to me during the day but were afraid to do so, this will be the place you can speak what you wish. If something happens when we are apart, you could tell me about that here, too.”
“Like, I could have told you about hearing you speaking with Parnell?”
“Yes.”
“And you wouldn’t be…um…angry with me?”
“I’m not angry about that,” Branford said. “Not anymore. If you had told me here, I would still have been upset with you, Alexandra. You should have made it known to me that you were not sleeping. I may still get angry at times, but you will never be punished for it if you tell me here. Does this make sense to you?”
“I understand what you are asking,” I told him, “though I don’t understand why you would do such a thing.”
Branford’s lips pressed against my hair again.
“Don’t worry about the whys, Alexandra. That’s my job.”
“Yes, my Branford.” I heard him chuckle as I blushed again.
“I do like it when you say that.”
“You do?”
“Yes, very much so.”
“Why? I’m not addressing you correctly.”
“But you are laying claim to me. As I have said, I am yours as well. You didn’t seem to believe me at the time, but at least I get to hear you say it in this way.”
I sank my teeth into my lower lip, and Branford ran his hand from my waist, over my hip, and then back up my side. His fingers danced over the back of my hand, then up the sleeve covering my arm.
“I want to know you, Alexandra,” he said. “I want to understand what you need from me even if you won’t ask me for anything. I still want to provide you with everything you need and anything you want. If there is ever anything you desire, you may ask for it here.”
“If you wish,” I answered.
“I do,” he replied. “I have one last question for you, Alexandra, and since we are sitting here like this, I want you to be completely honest. You won’t be punished because of your answer.”
I nodded quickly.
“Do you still wish me to bed you tomorrow night as we have discussed?”
“I…I think so,” I replied. I didn’t know why he would be asking such a question now unless he was still considering whether or not I could be effective as his wife.
“Yes or no, Alexandra,” he said quietly. His finger touched the end of my chin. “Can you not even tell me this?”
“I want to stay your wife,” I responded. I wasn’t sure if it was the right answer or not, but at least it was true. “If I am to be your wife, I want to…to be…that way with you.”
“Is that a yes, then?”
“Yes,” I said and felt my face flame. Branford cupped my chin with his hand and turned me to face him before placing his lips against mine.
“Then we should get ready for bed,” he replied. His lips turned up into a smile, and his eyebrows arched over his eyes. “I have much to teach you this evening if you are to be ready tomorrow.”
“Would you like to bathe before bed?” I asked.
“Yes, I would—if you are willing to help me.”
“Of course, my…Branford.”
And that is how we began redefining our relationship.
Chapter 12—Cooperatively Learn
I pulled the kettle from the fire and added the heated water to the basin. Branford grabbed the edge of his shirt and pulled it over his head as I soaked the cloth for him. As he removed his shirt, I allowed myself to loo
k from the corner of my eye at the muscles outlined on his chest and arms and marveled at the sheer strength displayed there. I glanced at his eyes, and saw him smirking at my stare. I looked away quickly, feeling ashamed.
“Look at me all you want,” Branford said. “I can only hope that was a look of appreciation in your eyes.”
Avoiding his gaze, I went back to testing the water’s temperature and making sure I had everything I needed. Branford laughed quietly, and I felt him move to stand close behind me as he rested his fingers lightly on my waist.
“What is it you like?” he asked quietly. It was a direct question, so I knew I had to answer him. I thought for a moment before responding, trying to hide my embarrassment.
“The lines,” I said. “I like the way your muscles make lines over your chest and stomach.”
“Hmm.” He tightened his grip on my waist and turned me around. I tilted my head to look up at him, trying to decipher the meaning of the sound he made. As I had been on several other occasions in our short time together, I was a little in awe of his magnificent features. I found myself wanting to touch his face and wondered if that was something I would be allowed to do or if it would not be welcomed. I looked to his eyes, and his expression was passive. I wasn’t sure if my answer pleased him or not.
“Is that…wrong?” I asked tentatively.
“Of course not,” he said with a small shake of his head. “I was only intrigued by your response. What I appreciate when I look upon you is your softness, your curves. I find it interesting you seem to appreciate the opposite.”
“It seems more fitting for a man.”
“I suppose it does.” Branford nodded. “I have always considered how strength benefits me in battle but not how it might be perceived by others. Of course, I’ve never had anyone to bathe me before. Well, not for a long time.”
“When was the last?” I asked and then considered I might not want to know the answer.
“The woman who cared for Ida and me when we were young would bathe us. I didn’t really trust any servants after we left Sterling. I would never let anyone get that close to me.”
“But you…you trust me to do it?”
Branford looked at me sharply for a moment, and I could see the doubt in his eyes though he contained it quickly. His chest rose with a deep breath before he answered.
“The bathing doesn’t concern me,” he said. “When you shaved me…well, that was rather difficult, I must admit. I’ve never allowed anyone to do that before, and I’m not used to being in such a vulnerable position.”
I didn’t know how to respond though I was not surprised by what he said. I had seen the uneasiness when I held the shaving blade near his throat and had felt him relax noticeably when it was over. He had been perceptibly nervous the entire time.
“Would you like me to start? With your bath, I mean?”
“Most definitely,” Branford replied, his eyes sparkling. He turned in a half circle, apparently wishing for me to start with his back. With my hands, I traveled slowly over my husband’s shoulders and down to his waist. Warm droplets of water escaped the washcloth and dripped down his skin, flowing quickly over the outlined muscles before merging into the fabric of his soft linen trousers.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly as I used a dry towel to remove the drops. I immersed the washcloth in the warm water and wrung it out, testing it to make sure it didn’t drip this time.
“I think it just means you’ll have to do it all again,” Branford said as he looked over his shoulder. When I looked up to his eyes, they sparkled with playfulness.
“If you like,” I said, trying to contain my own smile.
“I like it very much.”
I went back to my task, trying to control my smile by biting at my lip. The feel of his skin underneath the cloth made my fingers tingle though I wasn’t sure why. I washed around the muscles in Branford’s back, dried him off, and then washed the backs of his arms as well.
“Will having Amarra share our rooms truly not bother you?” Branford asked suddenly.
“I don’t think so,” I said. “I’ve never really spent much time around animals.”
“I’m glad,” he said. “I have to admit I was a little hesitant to ask.”
“Why?”
“I didn’t know if you would want an animal in our rooms. Some people don’t think they should ever be indoors.”
“I’ve never seen animals inside like that,” I told him. I ran a dry cloth up and down Branford’s arms until they were dry. “I know there were some hunting dogs around Hadebrand, but I never came into contact with them. I had never touched a dog before today.”
Branford turned to face me and then leaned over a little to kiss my lips softly. He stood back up, and I rinsed out the cloth to start washing his chest.
“Is there another washcloth?” Branford asked.
“Yes,” I replied. “Do you not like this one?”
“I like that one fine,” Branford said.
I reached under the basin and pulled out another cloth, but Branford took it from my hand as he spoke.
“I just thought maybe I should wash you, too.”
I may have actually gasped at the suggestion.
“Would that be all right with you?” Branford asked softly.
“I…I think so.” I could barely make a sound as Branford reached up to my shoulders. He ran his hands slowly down my arms and then back again before he started to open the front of my dress. I stood motionless, my heart pounding as he looked from my eyes to his hands as he worked. He removed the laces and watched my eyes closely as he pushed the clothing from my shoulders and down my arms. He pulled my hands out of the sleeves one at a time. The dress was gathered at the waist and caught there, but I was bare from the waist up. Even though I knew he was looking at me, I couldn’t meet his eyes.
“Are you going to finish washing me?” he asked. His voice was still soft, and he spoke slowly. I nodded and reached over to the basin, dropping the cloth almost as soon as I picked it up. I bumbled out an apology of sorts as Branford reached for my hands and drew me closer to him. I stared down at the floor until he tilted my head up to face him. “Alexandra, what’s wrong? Are you…are you frightened?”
“Yes.” I tried to breathe normally.
“I will not hurt you, my wife. Remember what we talked about? I will not take you tonight. I only wish to see you and touch you. It won’t hurt. I promise you it won’t hurt. Right now, I’m just going to wash you the same way you are washing me. Is that all right, Alexandra?”
I heard his words. He was only going to wash me. I felt my body shudder at the thought and wondered if I could possibly be any more nervous. Then I realized I could be, and I would be very soon when he took me to our bed for the first real night of intimacy he had promised. That thought brought on more thoughts—thoughts of the next night. Suddenly, I was more nervous.
“Alexandra…” Branford cupped my face and moved his own head to one side to look at me. I bit down on my lip, sure he was going to be angry with me. Before I could consider what to say to him, he had pulled my dress back over me, and a moment later I was in his arms. He carried me swiftly to the chair where we had sat just a few minutes before and seated himself with me in his lap. “Why, Alexandra? Why does this frighten you so?”
“I’m sorry, Branford. I didn’t…I mean…you didn’t have to…”
“Hush,” he said. He brushed his fingers over my lips then pushed tears from my cheeks. “I’m not angry with you. I just want to understand. Why are you so afraid?”
“What do you mean?”
“You think I’m going to truly hurt you when I take you,” he said. “I can see it in your eyes. You aren’t just nervous. You seem as though you aren’t sure you’ll even survive the act! There can be some pain, or so I understand, but the way you react…I don’t know what to think. If no one has ever harmed you in such a way…Alexandra, tell me. What do you think is going to happen?”
; “You want me to…to tell you…”
“Tell me what you believe will transpire,” Branford said clearly. “Tell me what you think I’m going to do to you.”
“You will…um…use your…” I stumbled over the words. “Um…to open me…so I can have your children. Shelly told me about it when…when she was, um, given to a knight.”
“Shelly? Was she one of Whitney’s handmaids as well?”
“Yes.”
“She was given as a tournament prize?”
“Yes,” I replied again, my voice growing hoarse. “The knight was asked what he wanted, and he said he would, um…would speak of it to King Edgar privately. Later that evening, Shelly was taken away.”
“Tell me what happened.” I felt Branford’s hand on the back of my head as he pulled my cheek to his chest, cradling me against him.
“When she came back…” The image in my head made me close my eyes and press my face to Branford’s chest as he tightened his arms around me. I saw her in my mind as she stumbled backward, nearly falling to the floor when the guard who brought her released her arm. Her clothing had been torn, and she tried to hold it against her body as she started to fall. Her mouth was cut, her arms bruised, and her face stained with her tears. “She told me what he did…how he lay down with her. She said it hurt…and she bled. She was still bleeding when she came back.”
“Still bleeding?” Branford said. He sounded confused. “What do you mean?”
“She was still bleeding,” I repeated. “She said he bit her mouth, so her lip was bleeding a little. And she was…um…bleeding between her legs.”
“Was it time for her to…well…to be…”
“No,” I shook my head. “It wasn’t her monthly time. I thought all women…um…would bleed the first time. Isn’t that why you cut your hand, to show I was pure on our wedding night?”