“If you bear a male child before Hadley, her duty would no longer be needed. She would stay here and would be treated with great respect because of her willingness to serve in such a way. If she bears a male child first, and you second, your child would have the line of succession. Her child would have to be recognized separately or not at all—it would be up to Branford to decide.”
“What would become of Hadley and her child if he refused them?”
“I do not think he would,” Sunniva said with a shake of her head. “But if he did, he would have to decide if they were to stay here or not. It would be unusual not to allow them to live with their station intact for the service she provided in the kingdom’s time of need even if it was ultimately unnecessary.”
For many moments I sat with my head on my queen’s shoulder, my thoughts jumbled inside of my head. I tried to sort through the information Sunniva had provided, and I was at least certain that Hadley would be cared for regardless of what happened.
I did not want her to suffer when all she was doing was trying to help us.
I shivered as a cool breeze came from the top of the castle walls, and Sunniva told me we should find a warm fire inside. I stood on shaky legs, but she assisted me, stopping me briefly before we entered and turning me to face her.
“When I first met you, I knew you were noble in your heart,” Sunniva said. “Now I know inside of your breast beats the heart that is truly royal.”
“Thank you,” I replied as I bowed my head. “May I ask you one more question?”
“Certainly.”
“What will happen if Hadley does not become with child by summer?”
Sunniva’s face paled.
“Let us just pray it does not come to that.”
*****
“I do not see how I can do this,” Branford said quietly. “How I will even be able to…”
His voice trailed off, and he huffed a breath through his nose.
We sat on the edge of our bed as the winter winds began to whistle and moan against the windows. Hadley had returned to Silverhelm earlier in the day and was now waiting for him in the room Sunniva had prepared for her. Though I offered to help, Sunniva insisted on doing it herself.
“You will have to close your eyes and think of me,” I whispered back. I looked away, trying to maintain whatever dignity I had left on this night.
“I am not sure even that will work,” he said. “The very thought is…”
He closed his eyes tightly and scowled.
“I should not burden you with this,” he said.
“Of course you should,” I said, correcting him. “I am your wife. We share all of our burdens, this one most of all.”
He huffed again before looking back to my eyes and reaching out for my hand. He gripped it tightly and then pulled it to his lap as he ran his fingers over mine.
“One day in the near future, you will take the throne,” I said, “and I will be at your side as your queen. We must perform our duties to Silverhelm, no matter what they are. If we will not sacrifice for the good of our people, how could we ask them to sacrifice for us? How could we ask them to give up the grain they give to feed those on the other side of the kingdom? How could we ask them to send their sons to die in our wars if we will not do this for them…for Silverhelm?”
“Have we not done enough?” he asked. “Have you not done enough for your people? You already endure my presence, regardless of my mood. You…you are the only thing that keeps me grounded in my duties.”
He chuckled though there was no humor in the sound.
“And here you are, reminding me of my duty again,” he said, “but at what cost to you?”
“The cost to me is less than it would be if I were forced aside for another,” I reminded him. “This way we will have our child, and I will still be at your side.”
“I do not want to do this to you,” he said again.
“You must do this, Branford,” I said softly as I brushed my lips against his. “Go to her and create the child we need. You must do this for our people.”
“You are…so much better than I,” he whispered. “How can you bear this with such grace when I can hardly contain what this is doing to me?”
With my fingers placed just below his jaw on either side of his face, I tilted his head to me.
“Branford,” I started to say, attempting to use a tone I thought would be most convincing—a tone most like Sunniva’s, “sometimes I need Janet’s help when lacing up a dress, especially some of the fancier ones you enjoy the most when you take me out onto the dance floor and show me off to visitors.”
His expression was confused, but he nodded.
“Would I have been less dressed if Janet had not helped me?”
“Less dressed?” he questioned.
I obviously was not making my point clear enough. I tried again.
“Do you recall the Harvest Celebration this year?”
“Of course.”
“Do you remember what I wore?”
“Very much so,” Branford said, and a hint of a smile returned.
“All those laces and ribbons!” I smiled at the memory. “The gold and black interlaced with the browns and oranges of harvest.”
“You were stunning,” he whispered as he reached up and stroked my check once.
“You found me beautiful?”
“Oh, most definitely,” Branford said with reverence.
“Even though Janet had to dress me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I couldn’t even reach the very first of the laces,” I told him, “and there was no way I could have attached all those ribbons myself. Janet spent several hours making the dress look right on me. Did you realize that?”
“Not so much, no,” Branford said. He was confused again.
“Was I less attractive to you because I could not have worn it had it not been for Janet’s help?”
“Of course not!”
“So needing Janet’s help did not matter?”
“It did not.”
“Then if I brought you a child that Hadley helped us to bring into the world, would you love me less for not bearing it myself?”
I could see understanding in his eyes as my words began to resonate, and once again I noticed wetness glistening in the firelight, twinkling in his bright green eyes. His breath hitched in his throat, and I could see him swallow before he spoke.
“Never,” he whispered. “I will always, always love you.”
“And you will love the child I bring to you even if he does not come from my body?”
“He will still be our son,” Branford whispered. “Ours. Yours and mine.”
“Yes,” I said, “he will.”
With a slight nod, Branford stood slowly, his hand still grasping mine as he started to walk away, our fingers still touching until the last possible second when he took the step that brought our caress apart.
I did not try to control my tears as the door to our room closed softly, and I was left alone. I sat on the edge of our marriage bed and stared at the candle burning on the table next to me until I could see nothing but dim glowing light, and my eyes ached in their sockets.
I reached over and doused the light with the tips of my fingers, feeling the slight burn on my fingertips as I extinguished the flame. I lay sideways on the bed, my head resting against my husband’s pillow, and inhaled the scent of him. Unable to ebb the flow of my tears, I pulled his pillow tight to my chest and pushed my face into it to muffle my cries. When I had no more tears to cry, I closed my eyes, refusing to think of what was happening in that room on the other side of the castle, and begged sleep to take me.
And that was when I performed my greatest sacrifice for Silverhelm.
Chapter 26—Gracefully Endure
I did not hear the door when it opened and was only alerted to the queen’s presence when she sat at the end of our bed. I gasped in surprise, sat up, and was about to cry out when her soft voice calmed me.
“Do not be alarmed, Alexandra,” she said. “It is only me.”
Sunniva reached her arms around me, and she pulled me against her as I began to sob again.
“How do I endure this?” I whispered against the fabric of her dress.
“We are royals,” Sunniva responded, her voice full of sympathy and regret. “We serve our people in whatever way is necessary. Our lives are never easy, but we do what we must to guarantee the safety and prosperity of our people.”
“How will a son of Branford’s guarantee their safety?” I asked, my voice sounding harsher than I had intended. “It is not as if he can take up arms and defend them!”
“No, he could not,” Sunniva said, agreeing, “but he would be a symbol of the continuation of the Sterling line. Just as it was with Sterling Castle before Branford surrendered it. It could not be taken from him without the church allowing it. Only when Branford gave up his rights could Edgar take possession of it. The Sterling family has many such places, not just the kingdom of Silverhelm, all of which are secured by an heir.”
“But one child…”
“One child is necessary,” she continued. “More are desired, but one son is imperative. When Camden took the crown, it was with great reluctance. I had not conceived a child, and there was much unrest at the time because of it. However, we had Branford’s father and Branford at the time—both of whom could be successors if necessary. But now…now there is only Camden and Branford left, and Camden…”
Her words faltered, and I gripped her hand.
“If it were only Camden with no signs of an heir at that time, we would have also been forced to take a concubine to secure an heir. As it was, it was still a tenuous position. Had we also been at war or close to war, we would have had no choice.”
“As we have no choice now.”
“Yes, Alexandra.”
“And you would have allowed it?”
“How could I not?” Sunniva chuckled humorlessly.
I rested my forehead on her shoulder and tried to understand everything that had happened. Branford chose me as his wife to anger Edgar into war, and he had succeeded in that venture. Though it had been some time since the final battle had been lost, the repercussions continued to haunt us.
In many ways, I wanted to be angry with Branford—at him—for his shortsightedness and his lust for revenge. He had placed us in this precarious position, and we all had to pay the price. But I could not be vexed with him because I knew my husband better than anyone else knew him.
I had seen him through our times together—the pain at the loss of his parents, the guilt and rage he felt at being so powerless to help them when they were attacked had been shown to me many, many times. Above all else, he harbored resentment that they were taken away, and he was left to live without them. After the war, he added to his shoulders the guilt of the lives lost in battle.
I also knew myself better than I ever had before.
Without his rash and childish demonstration of disrespect in taking my hand, I would still be a handmaid to Princess Whitney. Though the position itself did not sound abhorrent to me, I had learned that not all servants were treated as she treated hers. I had made it clear that servants in Castle Silverhelm were not to be treated harshly, and the conditions in Silverhelm for the lower classes had improved though they had never been as bad as they were for those in Hadebrand. The people of Silverhelm now looked to me as their commoner princess, the royal who considered their needs before her own.
Of course there was what was most important to my heart—for if Branford had not made such a bold move, I would not have him as my husband. That in itself was unthinkable to me. If one could have looked into the future and changed one’s path, perhaps I might have found some other way to be with my Branford, but we cannot change what has been—we can only make do with where we are.
My thoughts brought me back to those years when I was a servant to Princess Whitney and the brutality I had witnessed though seldom endured myself. I remembered thoughts I had as a child—envious thoughts that sometimes plagued my slumber.
“When I was young, I dreamed of being like Princess Whitney,” I said, confessing my inner thoughts to the queen. “I thought having servants and beautiful clothing would be so much…fun.”
“And now?”
“I think if given a true choice, I would rather be a commoner again.”
“What do you mean a ‘true choice’?”
I wondered if I should tell her what Branford had suggested. I decided it would do no harm since we would never do such a thing.
“Branford said we could leave,” I said quietly. “He said he would take me far away so we would not have to suffer this.”
I pulled back and looked at the queen’s face.
“The thought was born of fear, Sunniva. He would never have truly considered…”
“I know, Alexandra,” Sunniva said. A small, sad smile crossed her face. “There is not one of us who has not entertained such thoughts from time to time. Even now, as my husband is likely living through his final months, I wish I could take him away from his duties and his worries. But his duties would not magically disappear were he to go into hiding. Someone must care for our people, and if he does not, it must fall to Branford even if he is not ready for the responsibility. There are still those in Silverhelm who suffer for every poor decision either Camden or Branford has made. Think of how they would suffer with no leader at all. If Branford did not take the throne, what would become of our people?”
“They would be vulnerable,” I said. My gaze dropped to my hands in my lap. “Without a clear leader on the throne, Silverhelm would be open for attack from more than just Hadebrand.”
“Hadebrand, Peaks, Seacrest—they would be like vultures tearing at the bones after a feast—a feast made of our people’s flesh. Look at what has happened to Wynton since the loss of the war.”
“The people there suffer greatly,” I said with a nod. “I heard Branford and Camden speaking of the famine there and how Edgar will not allow food to be brought in. He considers it punishment for Lord William’s defiance. Branford said Sir Rylan in Seacrest may be able to—”
“Hush.” Queen Sunniva placed her fingers against my lips. “Do not speak of such things, not even here.”
I nodded and found myself looking around the room. Who could have heard us here? Was the possibility of spies so great I could not speak of Branford’s allies sneaking food to the people who used to be subjects of Silverhelm? Perhaps it was.
“I spoke with Lady Susan a fortnight ago.” Sunniva reached out her hand and took mine. “The conditions in the village worsen each week. Many are weakened by the lack of food and have fallen sick.”
“Silverhelm itself would be so much worse if left undefended,” I said. I knew King Edgar continued his vendetta against anyone who was considered a friend of Silverhelm. If his influence spread farther or if he gained more control over Silverhelm, our people would be targeted, abused, and killed.
“Precisely,” the queen said with a nod, “which is why you will endure for the sake of our people and our kingdom. We will endure everything we must.”
I nodded but could not stop my tears from coming again.
“I know how hard this is for you,” she said softly. “Your position is not unlike mine nearly was many years ago. Camden had to consider the same thing when I did not become with child. It tore at his heart even more than it did at mine. I imagine it is the same for Branford.”
“He does not want to do this,” I said.
“I know,” the queen replied. “He and Camden have spoken often of what to do. I wanted him to discuss it with you, but the idea of bringing you pain is abhorrent to him. He was convinced you would become with child eventually and did not want you to suffer with such thoughts unnecessarily.”
Sunniva reached over to me again and took me into her embrace.
“He loves you so,” she said softly. “I hope he tells you this.”
; “He does,” I assured her. “Very often.”
“I am glad to hear that.”
“I knew he was concerned. I knew he was worried about it. He prayed about it in the church all the time. I didn’t know we had so little time…”
“If Camden was in better health or the relationship with Hadebrand not so volatile…” The queen’s voice trailed off. She did not need to spell out how our circumstances would be different had Silverhelm not lost the war. It had not only decimated Branford’s army, but the conditions of Branford’s surrender—the concessions given to Hadebrand to ensure Silverhelm would not be razed—had allowed Edgar a strong voice in the court. Many who had not agreed with Edgar’s opinions before were now being swayed by him.
“He blames himself,” I said. “He pushed for the war when he was not ready for his enemy. He did not realize how many men Edgar had. Even when his own scouts told him of the numbers, he did not believe it.”
“He learned a valuable lesson,” Sunniva said, “at a very high cost.”
“He continues to pay the price for his mistake.”
“Yes, he does.”
“And now he pays the price for my failure,” I said quietly.
“Oh, Alexandra…my child,” the queen whispered as she held me. “I have been told God has His reasons and His plans for us though we may never understand them ourselves. Perhaps He tests your love for each other or your love of Silverhelm.”
I tried to take a slow, deep breath, but it remained ragged.
“What if I fail this test?”
“I have faith in you,” Sunniva said as she held me tighter. “I have faith in you both.”
The Queen of Silverhelm stayed with me for some time before she went back to her own chambers at my insistence. Though I finally slept, my sleep was not restful, and I awakened many times. Each time my eyes opened, I would look carefully around the dark room for Branford, but he was never there. As the hour grew later, I became concerned. I had assumed he would return quickly.
I wanted him to return quickly. I did not want to think about how long he would be with her. At the same time, I also didn’t want him to return to me at all in the night because I was frightened of the state he may be in when he did return. He could be angry or worse, and I was not sure if I could soothe him this time.