Chapter Twelve
A sparrow sat in its newly built nest, proud at its level of dexterity with a tool as awkward as a beak. It would have considered what it could accomplish given hands, but not being a conscious being it satisfied itself with a tilt of the head and a confused stare at nothing in particular. At the base of the tree the bird called home, were two halves of a previously perfect, white sphere. It had appeared from the sky and bounced towards the bird’s residence at great speed, cracking on impact.
The sparrow had noticed the ball approaching but didn't consider it a threat until it struck the oak tree he resided in. The bird's only reaction had been a brief flapping of his wings and a few glances of mild concern. Satisfying itself that no further danger would follow he returned to his song about how good a nest he’d built, and that any females in the area should come and see what he’d done. Meanwhile the contents of the sphere struggled woozily to their feet and stumbled obediently behind their boss.
“Gooooooood. I see you’re beginning to enjoy our little trips.” Sid completely misinterpreted the groans and pale complexions of his henchmen. “Gather together the equipment and follow me. Forget anything and you will pay with tears and cries of agony.” Sid’s threat was unnecessary, but habits are hard to break.
Dollop and Sandbag collected the equipment: two large kit bags, a gramophone, and an armful of records. They followed behind, battling dizziness and the desire to throw up.
The planet they’d arrived on didn’t have the feel of the hub of a dastardly plan. The air was fresh, the scenery a delight, and the temperature was warm enough to heat the muscles without inducing sweat. Trees dominated the landscape, occasionally opening out in to wide plains of grass. Hillocks punctuated the path to the horizon, the ground undulating just because it could. After twenty minutes walking Sid stopped at one of the mounds and turned to his men.
“Inside the bags you will find two suits. You WILL put these on.” There was no need to be firm. The pair would happily wear whatever was needed, except for a few select items that had to be stipulated in their contracts. The fashion wars had sewn their harvest, employment law had reaped it. “Behind this hill lies the engine of my plan. I don’t want to see it derailed through a simple mistake. This is where my predecessors have always erred: the small details are the fulcrum. The future of success sits upon them. I will not fail because your appearance terrifies my subjects into action.”
The sentence didn’t make any sense, but Dollop believed all would become clear in time. Despots loved knowing a secret, but loved letting people know they knew a secret even more, and positively adored letting everybody know the secret they’d been keeping and awaiting the praise their genius deserved. For the moment the two henchmen concerned themselves with the bag and its contents.
They pulled out an all in one body suit each. Sandbag held it against his ample bulk. He dwarfed the outfit without effort.
“I’m not sure this’ll fit.” Sandbag had only honesty.
“It Will.” Sid’s statement was not to be argued with.
Searching for the opening, Dollop and Sandbag rotated the cloth in their hands. Eventually finding a zip at the apparent back they pulled it open and fluffed out the inside. It was clear it should be entered feet first. The material accepted their considerable brawn without question. This did nothing to lighten the shock each experienced when looking down. In place of the monstrous legs that usually supported their beastly frames sat two scrawny, human legs covered in tatty pants and dishevelled, worn, cloth boots. Placing their arms in the intended slots the zip was pulled up and the attached hoods pulled over their heads. Confused they turned to Sid, who now, as far as the observing world could fathom, stood alongside two average human beings dressed as any other peasant from the English lands during the Earth’s medieval period.
“Gooooooood. You look as insignificant as all the other cogs in my wonderful plan, which includes everybody in the universe. Hahahahahahahaha.” The laughter lasted the short journey over the hillock where they were faced with a medieval village that, on the surface, appeared no different from any other.
A scattering of wooden huts formed a vague circle, surrounding an opening that served as something of a communal area. An untended fire smouldered at its centre, human activity bubbled away at a minimum. Dusty roads led away to similar gatherings of abodes. All offered a sense of life without the evidence of action to back it up. Dollop could see into a nearby hut. Although poorly lit he could make out a figure lay down. It appeared to be on a nine foot bean bag. Sid barked out his next orders before the henchman could look closer. Dollop wasn’t much of a historian but he was sure such furniture had no place in medieval England.
“Set up the gramophone here.” Sid pointed to a spot on the hillock then returned to surveying the scene before him. He appeared proud, like a father showing his sons what would one day be theirs. “If I had either tear ducts or weak emotions I’d consider crying at the sight before me. To see evil being played out in such harmony.”
Dollop and Sandbag set up the gramophone, glancing nervously at each other as they did. They sensed Sid was trying to entice them in to asking further questions, but equally he could be trying to entice them in to perceived insolence for prying in to his business; insolence that would be thoroughly punished. Dollop’s experience suggested silence would the best tactic to employ. Sandbag followed his lead.
Sid had been desperate to tell somebody his plan without having to kill them instantly since concocting it. He was undecided whether to punish or reward his henchmen’s curiosity should it emerge, but as they all stood in silence Sid realised he would have to say something. Even megalomaniacs struggle with the potency of social awkwardness.
“Originally I bought this Earth franchise as a place to be alone and begin hatching my next sinister plan. Impatience being one of my virtues I tired of waiting for the program to finish and came here before completion. I had to admit it was a haven of tranquillity. I almost regretted slaying the salesperson for their bold boasts and overselling techniques.” Sid savoured the uncalled for revenge in his mind. “Where was I? Oh yes. Whilst here, I grew frustrated at the lack of comfortable places to sit. My posterior is worth more than the pathetic wooden offerings I found, and so I set about importing my own seating. Some IDIOT at Comfyco, who I must add met with a very unfortunate accident involving my metal fist soon after, typed in the wrong details and sent enough chairs for the whole planet. Not wishing to turn my haven in to a bloodbath of fury I simply distributed the seating throughout the globe and continued thinking. After being here for several centuries I noticed something very strange.”
Another pause followed. Sid thought his cliff-hanger may invoke a comment, a comment he could pounce on. The memories of vengeance had stirred his evil yearnings. Dollop and Sandbag maintained their silent tactic. Sid's pause and suspicious glance made him look odd, causing him to relent and continue.
“You see the natives remained living a remarkably frugal lifestyle. No cities developed, communication beyond shouting never occurred, weapons were not needed, even takeaways remain non-existent. The whole planet just sat down and stopped evolving, which is when it struck me: Apathy! If I could somehow spread this level of apathy throughout the universe then nobody would stand in my way. Who could be bothered to? I could declare myself ruler of the universe.” Sid turned as though his crowning ceremony was taking place before their very eyes. Dollop and Sandbag had another piece of the jigsaw to ponder. Dollop was particularly impressed with it. Sid wallowed in the imaginary crowd’s applause for a while, before returning to the story.
“Using my new found knowledge I set about the specifics of my plan. I required large enough quantities of apathy to infect the entire universe. Meaning the population had to grow well in excess of the pittance here, yet I couldn’t just visit large planets and flood their masses with cushions. I was so infuriated at not spotting the solution sooner that I wiped out an entire solar system in frustration. It was
obvious: comfy seating had to evolve within a thriving society, taking control once all the hard, physical work had been completed. Once their world became automated they could lie back as a species and never leave their seats again, which with their weak minds they surely would. Hahahahahahahaha. This mass lounging session would generate vast quantities of apathy to help me conquer the universe. Hahahahahahaha.”
Dollop grew increasingly impressed at the theory. Sid grew increasingly wheezy at all the laughing. The little, bad guy soldiered on.
“Once I knew how to generate the apathy I needed a method of distribution. I knew that apathy spreads like the warmest of butter so all I needed was to strategically position enough Earth franchises in the relevant places and the universe would slowly infect itself. The greatest irony is that when I placed such a large order of Earths, the company offered me a golden discount card. Imagine that, rewarded for being so dastardly. Hahahahahaha.”
Dollop and Sandbag sat down. The laughter was drawing things out unnecessarily. Sandbag spoke to Dollop. Unfortunately Sid overheard through his mirth. “So what's the gramophone for?” Sid stopped rolling around the floor in giggles and shot across to the henchman. With Sandbag sat down in his man suit the pair met at eye level.
“You dare to ask for more information after I’ve laid the soul of my plan bare?" Dollop cringed at what may happen next. “Goooooood. I like curiosity in my employees. I’ll save that nugget of information until I can demonstrate it fully. For now we have recordings to make.”
Sid turned and walked to the said gramophone. Sandbag told the part of the brain he’d prepared to deal with pain to relax. The tension that had filled both beasts’ muscles subsided. Dollop had given up being surprised by various bosses unpredictable behaviour and let the experience wash away with the days other trivial moments.
The day continued at a relaxed pace, set by the lethargic animals that idled by. Unrushed by the changing light, Dollop had spent the day in the village attempting to talk to residents. Sandbag had joined him briefly but grew bored quickly. Nobody was interested in making conversation. They couldn’t be bothered with that sort of thing irrelevant of the topic raised. Sid had meandered by the gramophone, recording all the time. Dollop found that as long as the villagers were left alone to sit in their chairs they weren’t concerned with the wider universe and its goings on. Impressed by the effect, but equally sad at what it had robbed from them, Dollop returned to Sid.
The armoured maniac was in an amenable mood.
“They’re definitely apathetic.” Dollop tried to shake off the lingering thoughts that had been slowly entering his mind. All he could think about was finding the greatest comfort. He appeased his mind with the promise of a nap the moment they got back on the ship. For now it would have to make do with a quick sit on the lusciously, plump looking grass, although he point blank refused to fetch a blanket and a pillow.
“There’s no doubt.” Sid spoke in a civil and almost friendly manner. “Do you know what year it is here?” It was clearly a question Sid didn’t want answering by anyone but himself. “2132. There should be a thriving metropolis with flying cars and computers the size of atoms. Humans should be able to contact any other on the planet with nothing more than a thought, but see what has happened.” Sid pointed towards a man twizzling a stick that connected his hand to his nose. It allowed him to pick it with minimal effort. “The height of their technology. Now do you believe in my attempt?”
Dollop nodded slowly and murmured a sense of agreement fuelled by admiration. Sid strolled into the village, laughing with his arms raised for no reason other than excess joy.
Dollop wasn’t naïve enough to fully believe they would win. He knew the plot was still likely to unravel like the weakest of knots, but for now he lay back and allowed the possibility of ending his career with a victory to toy with his dreams. As his eyes closed the lethargy in the village giggled at reeling in another victim. It had more than one trick to play when it came to inducing rest.
Contents