Chapter Fourteen
A record turned, slowly building momentum as the drive belt overcame the friction that battled to hold it in place. Dollop, Sandbag and Sid had returned to The Underground Tower of Crizal. They stood in the main hall Sid used as the centre of his plan.
The vinyl disc which had been recorded on their short trip fed its contents into the base of a machine, a machine that Dollop could only stare at. Sandbag wobbled woozily behind him, still recovering from the return journey. Sid had taken his place at the centre of what could aptly be described as a contraption.
A tower of screens piled upwards beyond sight, vaguely tubular in design. Any number would be a guess but Dollop put it in the thousands. Sid sat on a chair, which in turn sat on an arm that allowed movement in any direction and to any height. The instant Sid sat the chair took off, pausing at different screens before hurtling away again. There appeared no discernible order to the route he took.
Dollop watched on, his curiosity growing. His thoughts were only interrupted when Sid appeared inches from his face. “Do you see? Do you see how brilliantly my plan is working?” The armoured fiend shot off before an answer could be given. Dollop was pleased as he didn’t have one to offer. Only moments later he returned to the henchman. “Look at how they so feebly fall in to my trap. A trap they don’t even know exists. Hahahahahahaha” A spin launched the megalomaniac away once more, arms raised and spinning wildly he declared what the screens displayed. “Behold every Earth franchise I own in full Technicolor splendour. From this one point I can monitor every inch of every sorrowful land, watching as it falls beneath my spell.”
Sandbag leant over to Dollop. He didn’t wish to watch Sid for fear of the dizziness he may induce, but he was listening and commented thus. “That must take a lot of cameras.”
Sid stopped dead. He was incredibly proud of the ingenuity he had shown in monitoring each Earth and relished the chance to explain. This didn’t stop him swooping down to Sandbag and circling him slowly, drawing tension from his muscles and panic from his lungs. The silence lasted just long enough to make a point. It was just a shame nobody knew what the point was.
“Cameras! Ha. Do I look like a creature from the past?” Neither henchman was stupid enough to answer that question, medieval armour or not. “These planets positively brim with life in every pore of their existence. It’s impossible to be anywhere without a million insects of one sort or another burrowing beneath your feet or circling the very air you breathe. Why would I, with my superior intellect and fiendish mind, not use such a gift? WHY?” Again no answer was actually needed. “By amalgamating the collective perception of these tiny beasts I can see and hear places other megalomaniacs can only dream of. Hahahahahahahaha. What good is an animal with built in antennae if you don’t plan to use them to broadcast? Hahahahahahahaha.” Sid laughed maniacally, nudging the joystick on his chair by mistake and flying round the contraption three times before regaining control. He returned to the duo confused. “Where was I?”
Dollop tried his luck. Curiosity had got the better of him. “You were explaining how the gramophone contraption works.”
“Was I?” Sid was uncertain but too embarrassed at his faux pas to argue. “I suppose I must have been.” He began a slowly rising spiral, partly to prove he could control his seat and partly so he was higher than anyone else, but mainly because he wanted to. “As I studied I realised the potency of comfy seating to be enormous, especially when aiming to induce apathy; however many people showed an unhealthy resistance to sitting in one spot for any length of time. My early attempts failed as gymnasiums appeared and were used to their full capacity. The lure of a comfy seat back home wasn’t enough to draw them away and waste countless months of a direct debit they were locked in to. Home fitness workouts were used for fitness and not, as I’d intended, the titillation of young boys. I needed something more. I needed a two pronged attack.” Sid bit his fist, or at least motioned the intention. He’d forgotten his face mask was fully closed.
“After further experimentation I found the answer: as well as releasing comfy seating I needed to bombard the planets with apathy. Raining it down upon them they would be unknowingly forced back to bed for another five minutes, to ride a vehicle when walking would be so much easier, to take the lift up no more than two flights of stairs, to order shopping online rather than leaving the confines of home. And so I harvest the sensation in its purest form from the planet we have just visited and place it inside this machine.” Realising he would soon be out of earshot and shouting would ruin any dramatics he wished to convey, Sid suddenly plummeted, stopping within breath of his henchmen. Sandbag's posture emanated calmness, even though his stomach wanted to emanate last night’s tea. Staring motionless at the pair, Sid again asserted his terror for no apparent reason before gliding towards the gramophone.
“This machine is linked to every planet you can see on these screens. It takes the raw apathy and feeds it to each one at the exact level required, dependent upon its point in my apathy cycle. Too much too soon and social evolution will cease, too little and they will all become mental and physical athletes. The balance has to be perfect.”
Sid realised he’d missed a part of the explanation out. Cursing himself, and inducing cramp in his foot as punishment, he turned to the two beasts and made a feeble attempt to squeeze it naturally into the ongoing discussion.
“What is that you say? Where does the apathy go when it reaches its destination?” Dollop and Sandbag did everything they could not to look completely bemused. They failed miserably. “Why it searches out every cushion, chair, pillow, and bean bag; anything with even the slightest ooh potential. Once found it waits inside scanning for victims, for those who look as though they’d appreciate the rest. Enticing them in with an irresistible plumpness it snares them, holding them in position." Sid glanced at the pair. Everyone knew he hadn't got away with his cumbersome verbal shoe-in but nobody was about to mention it.
Sid continued. "Once apathy has saturated the Earth to the required levels it spreads beyond the planet's boundaries and out into space, searching the universe for its next victim. Finding a new host it repeats the pattern until everyone and everything is infected with a desire to not. Hahahahahahaha.”
“What’s so special about that screen?” Sandbag took Sid’s verbal offering as a sign of freedom to ask questions. He pointed to a golden screen covered in lights and sitting at the base of the tower. Sid replied without anything other than courtesy.
“Aaaaaaaaaah. This is Dave Normal.” The image showed a standard human sat on the edge of a bed he was trying to leave. His hands cradled his head. “Dave lives at the emotional centre of the universe. The mental state of all that exists is averaged out and mapped on to Mr Normal’s life. He is the physical representation of the universe's emotional state. He is entirely unaware of such a thing, which is a shame as knowing this would save him a fortune in therapy. You see at the moment Dave is growing tired of the daily grind, but when not only does he stop going to work in the mornings but he stops even setting his alarm, I will know enough of the cosmos is infected to begin phase two of my plan.”
“What’s phase two?” Sandbag continued in the mood of open questioning. Sid however had switched temperament and screeched to within millimetres of Sandbag’s left tusk.
“If you pry in to my business once more I’ll continue my mission with one henchman and a jar of innards to keep my thoughts warm at night.” The tilt of Sid’s head sent an unwanted shiver through Sandbag’s body. “Back to your quarters.”
A flippant turn and flick of a switch activated the bracelets both henchmen wore. The pair were dragged into the air by their arms, through several previously closed doors, and flung back into their room. Sandbag sat up, rubbing his shoulder apologetically. “I guess that was one question too far. Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. All part of the job.” Dollop relocated to his bed. It groaned under the weight, but did so with a promise to uphold its duty of su
pported rest.
Sandbag stood and equally found his bed. He was still shaking slightly from his exposure to Sid’s raw fear. He attempted speaking to distract his mind. “It does sound like a very clever plan, although the plans always sound clever to me. It amazes me when the hero turns up and points out the obvious unguarded flaw.”
“It does sound clever, and I wouldn’t blame you for getting carried away, but I’m always wary of inevitability.” Dollop shuffled around, settling on a foetal position of rest. “Sounds like we won’t have to fight any major battles though. That’s a bonus.” He rested his monstrous eyes beneath his beastly lids.
“I thought you loved a good battle. You once told me it was the best way to start the day. Aside from Ak-Lak-MiLak and eggs on toast.”
“I did. I used to love the smell of an axe whistling past my face, but where I once saw the healthy expression of pent up rage and a chance to demonstrate physical dominance I now see the chance to slip on the mud on to a discarded spear, or catching my hammer in a buckle and being defenceless for that crucial split second. Field battles rely too much on fortune. Once I realised that I couldn’t go in with the same enthusiasm. I spent all my time checking my equipment. Started buying new shoes the moment the tread wore out, oiled my armour regularly, all those distractions took my eye completely off the task in hand. I’m afraid the wild abandon of youth has left these bones, I fear never to return. I’ve faced my mortality and no longer see it stretch out before me. Age has made me thankful for the things I wish to hold on to.”
“Well I still can’t get enough of them. It’s the best part of the job: going crazy in a big open space filled with people trying to do you harm. Bring it on, I say.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to change your natural instincts with one monologue. Only time and experience can do that.” Dollop drifted further towards sleep.
“I’m sure there’re plenty of both yet to come.” Sandbag lay back, twitching at the thought of war but restful in his posture.
“My point proved to perfection. Oh to combine the experience of age with the blind abandon of youth.” Dollop let out a wishful sigh and turned to face the wall. Even the worrying throb that emanated from the very building couldn’t disturb his imminent slumber. The occasional cackle reverberating around the Underground Tower reminded them of where they were, but they were too tired to care. It had been a long day with an excessive amount of travelling. They both hoped tomorrow would be played out in one location.
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