Hugo Cortizone regained consciousness. His body warmed by the fragrant sun, his entirety rocking gently side to side. A smile emerged across his face, a sense of harmonious perfection sweeping through his being. Using his years of being alive and all the experience it brings, he knew without opening his eyes that he was on a hammock. It was either that or a dinghy in a paddling pool, but Hugo edged his bets. His well honed hero sense allowed rest without fear. At last, universal peace. No more would he need to spend his days fighting crime, capturing evil, and spouting monologues of minimal worth. A scream rang through the hunk's head.
Hugo sat bolt upright in panic at the realisation. The hammock controlled skilfully despite the turbulent emotion. The words ran through his head once more: ‘No more would he need to spend his days fighting crime, capturing evil, and spouting monologues of minimal worth’. This was a nightmare. What else was there to do with your day?
A second thought entered the concerned, heroic mind: 'Where am I'?
The hammock was perched within the grounds of an English garden plucked direct from royalty. He had no recollection of entering such a place. In fact he didn't recollect much about the whole of recent history.
Hugo turned to find Dollop, still disguised as a maiden, smiling back from a bench-swing covered in flowers and cushions. Sid stood by the side of the henchman. The miniature megalomaniac offered his employee a nudge of encouragement. It felt more like a bolt of thunder, but achieved its aim of triggering the damsel's rehearsed script.
“You’re finally awake. Would you care for breakfast?” Dollop took a moment to grasp the reality of the situation he found himself in. His arms wafted over a table filled with breakfast goods, picking up a few oranges as he did. “We have bread, egg in all its forms, bacon, and freshly squeezed orange juice.” An orange exploded in Dollop’s hand. It released the tension Hugo’s proximity created. The henchman used a wider grin and ignorance to avoid any fuss this may potentially cause.
“Maybe later my sweet lady of virtue.” Hugo was instantly struck by the beauty he was faced with, staring for a time slightly longer than friendly etiquette would allow. Sid noted the development. “First I must know where I am.”
“You are safe. Of that you can be certain.” Sid stepped forward. The sun glistened from his armour, no unfounded fear emanated. The megalomaniac ensured it remained tightly controlled behind the suit. To allow any to escape would break Hugo’s spell instantly. “You are a welcome guest in these truly joyous and curious times of adjustment.”
“Of course, universal peace has been declared.” Hugo looked out to the lawn in thoughtful realisation. He’d been rehearsing the announcement in his mind and was happy it came off as intended. He noted a few potential tweaks for future performances. The ponderous gaze lasted long enough for Sid and Dollop to wonder what the hero was doing. Sid tired of waiting and reeled off the back story he'd prepared. It was enough to turn Hugo’s head back.
“I too face the news with mixed emotions. My entire empire has been built upon the merchandising of heroes.” The wave of the hand was poorly timed.
“Merchandising? You are an officially licensed merchandising outlet?” Hugo’s business head emerged. He hated bootleggers almost as much as tyrants.
“Of course. To trade illegally would draw a lawsuit the magnitude of which only the future could comprehend. Plus I would hate to see all those charities suffer from the lost revenue.”
“The charities, of course, the charities would suffer from any drop in profit. I don’t suppose you have your official license available. If I could just check…”
“Is this really the priority Mr Cortizone?”
“No of course not. Money, pah. I hate the society its importance thrives on. I trust you implicitly. Without trust we allow evil the slightest gap to infect our world, and how it will infect.” Hugo regained a pose of honour before relinquishing it to speak more quietly. “If I could see it at some point before I leave though that would be marvellous. We've had a real issue with forged licenses lately, wouldn’t want to see my expenses going to the hands that haven’t worked for them.”
“Expenses?” Sid was no accountant but he knew of enough loopholes to avoid attention from the taxman.
“Expenses, profits, what’s a column here and there? Anyway you were declaring something.” Hugo leaned forward.
“I was wasn’t I?” Sid recounted his place. “Now that sadly our fruitful harvest is at an end I feel indebted to you as my previous best seller. In some way my assets are yours….”
“At least seventy one percent were anyway.” Hugo beamed.
“Seventy one percent! Is that the commission you charge? Of course it is. That’s what I’ve been paying anyway.” Sid spoke under his breath. “I’m clearly in the wrong business.” Anyway my point is….” Sid wanted to finish his story before he forgot it, and wished to go and check if 'Sid Say's' had been registered as a trademark. Once the universe was his he intended to force his subjects to memorise all his greatest quotes. Why not make even more money off the back of it? “......due to the assets you generated for me the least I can do is offer you a place to come to terms with your new life.”
“Your kindness stretches deep within my heart and pulls a gratitude that knows no bounds. The time away from the spotlight and unending pressure of universal stardom and adoration, a pressure I gladly accept if it means nobody else must suffer it, is time I greatly appreciate.” A stray wink knocked a bird from its perch. “I happily accept your offer and promise no burden.”
“Right, goooooooood. Glad that’s settled.” Sid was pleased the hard part was over. “I shall leave you in the capable hands of my finest damsel. She will attend to your every need.” Sid bowed and turned to walk away, muttering various obscenities about Hugo’s commission rate as he went. Nobody ever stopped to consider it was the bad guys that kept the whole industry going. He never saw a penny of the 'expenses' Hugo generated.
Sid passed through the house he’d offered to the hero and out of the secret door at the front. It resided within the shoe rack and offered passage back into the true face of The Underground Tower of Crizal.
Sid had built an annexe inside Crizal to keep Hugo happy. It consisted of an airy bungalow set in grounds of forests stretching a day’s walk in every direction. To ensure there would be no escape Sid had assigned the perfect guard: Dollop disguised as a damsel. His innocent promise would never be perceived as an extra shackle.
It was a difficult role for Dollop to grow in to. He’d never held anyone prisoner through kindness and understanding, especially not the person he considered his arch enemy. How do you act kindly towards someone who makes you want to rip their face off every time you become aware of their existence?
“Maybe I should leave you alone for a while, give you time to gather your thoughts.” Dollop felt a mild retreat may help.
“Would it appear rude to wish for some space right now?” Hugo worked the sensitive angle of his persona. He knew girls liked that almost as much as muscles.
“Not at all, you’ve been through a lot.” Dollop stood, trying to think, and move, like a maiden.
“I thank you for your understanding.” Hugo continued to be infuriatingly pleasant. Dollop had only seen the warrior within. This new side was difficult to hate with the same passion. “What title does such a beauty as you hold?”
“Sorry?” Dollop felt sure he couldn’t say co-henchman.
“Your name?” Hugo grinned a grin without purpose.
“My name?” Dollop hadn’t gone as far as to develop a name for his character. “Fayre Maiden.” Improvisation was never his strong point.
“Fayre Maiden. What a fine and highly apt name.”
“I suppose it is.” Dollop strolled away. Hugo watched as he went.
Glancing back over his shoulder Dollop checked to ensure Hugo Cortizone really was within striking distance. The man that had plagued his dreams for centuries, the man he had sought
vengeance on forever, sat right there looking dreamy eyed in his direction, clueless and vulnerable; and he could do nothing about it. Life is indeed a funny beast.
With Hugo staring after the exiting beast it was only a matter of time before their eyes met. The shiver that ran through the henchman was one without comparison. He’d faced down beasts with teeth bigger than his entire leg but the alluring gaze of an amorous man was beyond his training. He had no way of dealing with such a threat except to run. In his current attire the escaping jog looked more like a playful scuttle and a wish to be chased. Hugo smiled to himself as Dollop disappeared indoors. ‘You’ve still got it’. Had he known exactly what it was he had he may not have been so pleased.