He held her hand for a minute, which made Andi’s head spin a little. Caleb liked her, she had no doubt. And now that they’d be working more closely together, anything was possible.
She studied the man in front of her. He looked more handsome today than yesterday. His voice was balm against her tired soul. In fact, now that she thought about it, her heart hadn’t drifted to Cody in a few days.
Caleb was waiting for her response. “Yes, God is good.” She felt the sparkle in her eyes. “All the time.”
• • •
SEVENTEEN DOGS AND eleven cats were housed at the temporary animal shelter. Andi and Caleb arrived with instructions to check the animals for injuries, give them vitamins to ward off illness, clean their cages, and spend time with them. As much as possible.
Andi looked across the array of crates. “Poor babies.” She headed through the door. By the looks on the animals’ frightened faces there was no time to waste. “Let’s get started.”
The room stunk and as soon as the animals heard her voice, half of them started crying or barking. The cats were generally wide-eyed and silent. Terrified, their lives turned upside down.
Caleb loved animals. He and Andi had already talked about that. He stopped at the first crate. A beleaguered poodle cowered at the back of it. “Every day more owners find their way here for picking up their pets.” He shook his head. “But many of the people are still stuck in a shelter. Most think their dogs and cats are lost forever.”
After taking some food, treats, and vitamins from a table set up near the door, Andi moved to the next cage. She bent down and peered inside. Trembling against the side of the cage was an older black Labrador mix. He had gray around his mouth and chin, and he looked at Andi with the most trusting, concerned eyes. They seemed to say, My parents are missing. If you could so kindly help me find them . . . or just pet me. Either way.
She smiled at the dog. “It’s okay, boy. We’ll find your family.” The cage was unlocked, so she opened it and patted the top of the dog’s head. “You hurt, boy? How’d you make it through that flood?”
Tentatively the dog stepped out of the cage and nuzzled up against her. He made the slightest whimper. Andi stood and the Lab came to her. He wouldn’t put weight on his left leg. “Oh, no.” Andi kept her tone kind, comforting. “We’ll help you. It’s all right.”
She petted the dog some more and gave him vitamins and a good brushing, being especially careful with his left leg. Then she filled out a record of the dog’s condition and disposition. Lord, let his family find him. Let him get help. He’s such a sweet dog. She sighed. This job would be good for her heart, but it wouldn’t be easy.
Five cages down the row she felt her heart skip a beat. Inside was a female German shepherd and snuggled up beside her was a single puppy, not more than six weeks old. “Oh, honey . . .” Andi dropped slowly to her knees so she could see the two animals better. “What happened to your other babies?”
Caleb was working the far side of the room. He turned to her and sighed. “That’s all the rescuers found. They think the rest were lost.”
Andi looked again at the poor mama. The cage was a mess, and so were the dogs. “I’ll clean you two up, don’t worry.” She opened the door and slowly put her hand inside. “I’m not going to hurt you.”
The female dog stood and shuffled out of the cage. Like the Lab from earlier she dropped down to the ground and put her head on Andi’s knee. Her eyes lifted to Andi’s.
Andi looked intently at the mother dog. “I know.” She patted the messy fur on the mama’s back. The animal definitely seemed sick. Her nose was warm and she was panting harder than the other dogs. Andi had a bad feeling about her. She kept her tone calm and kind. “I’m sorry, girl.”
The dog closed her eyes and lay still.
The puppy wagged his tail and followed his mother. Just like a child, Andi thought. He has no idea how bad things are . . . The small dog frolicked around a bit and then found his way to his mama for some food. She might be wrong about the pup’s age. He might only be five weeks. Not quite old enough to be weaned, but old enough to survive if . . .
She couldn’t finish the thought. Again she ran her hand along the mother dog. “Your baby needs a good home. And he’ll get one.” She found the dog brush and started working it softly over the mama. “I’ll make sure.”
Andi and Caleb worked all afternoon, seeing to it that every animal had a cleanup and lots of love. Not all of the animals were sick—a few kitties were playful, and many of the dogs, too. They gave Andi plenty of reasons to smile. But by the time they went to leave their supervisor announced sad news.
The mama German shepherd had died. Sometime in the last hour. Death and loss were a part of her job. But the announcement hit Andi harder than she expected. She felt tears on her cheeks before she even realized she was crying. Then an idea hit her. “I’ll take the puppy.”
“You’ll take him?” Caleb looked at her, a slight smile on his face. He brushed his knuckles against her cheek, as if he couldn’t take his eyes off her. “That’s a beautiful gesture, Andi. From a profoundly beautiful human.”
Her heart skipped a beat, the feel of Caleb’s touch still working its way through her. Stay focused, she told herself. She sniffed a bit and smiled at him. “I promised his mama.”
Andi asked, and her supervisor agreed. “He’s too little to leave alone in the cage. He’d cry all night.”
Me, too, Andi thought. If she had to imagine the puppy here by himself. “I’ll keep him in a box at the hotel and bring him here each day until we find his family.”
Andi filled out some paperwork stating that she would release the dog as soon as the owner showed up. The supervisor provided Andi with puppy food and a pair of bowls, along with a small collar and a leash.
As they left the shelter, Caleb stopped her halfway to the shuttle. “Andi, you’re sweeping me off my feet. Like no other young woman ever has.”
Young woman. Andi smiled. No one had talked to her this way. His words were so different. So European. Combined with his accent, his words made Andi dizzy with attraction. More now than ever. “Thank you, Caleb.”
He looked from the puppy to Andi. “When we get back to the hotel, might I have the pleasure of taking you and the puppy out to dinner?”
She smiled, basking in the warmth of his expression. “Yes.” She patted the little puppy’s velvety soft ear. “Indeed, fine sir. The two of us would like that.”
Dinner was casual. Pizza at an outdoor restaurant across the street from the hotel. Caleb was kind, a brilliant conversationalist, for sure. Andi caught herself wishing the meal would never end.
“Tell me about Amsterdam.” She allowed a little flirt in her tone. “I want to picture you there.”
He grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”
The puppy slept in his box while Caleb told her about the Netherlands and his flat on the edge of the city. “It is a refined culture. One that finds great joy in the arts.” He let his eyes hold hers. “You’d love it, Andi.”
Only after the puppy woke up and started crying did they agree it was time to turn in. Caleb picked up the puppy and handed him to Andi. She cradled him near her chin. “I won’t get attached.” Andi said the words more to herself than to Caleb. “He’s the cutest ever, right?”
“He’s a handsome fellow, yes.”
When they reached the lobby, Caleb hugged her and this time he ran his hand along the back of her head. When his mouth was near her ear he whispered, “This night was exquisite. Thank you.”
Exquisite. Yes. Andi had to remember to inhale. She searched his eyes. “For me, too.”
She thanked him for dinner and pulled herself away. Which wasn’t easy. Because all she wanted to do was find a pair of chairs and sit with him, get to know him better. Let his voice wash over her and his brown eyes look deeply into hers.
Enough, Andi, she told herself. He’ll go back to Amsterdam and you’ll never see him again. She tried to
gather her senses as she took the elevator up to her room. Caleb had caught more than her attention. He had caught a piece of her heart. She steadied herself once she was inside her room. She took the puppy from his box. “Hey, little guy. I won’t let anything happen to you.” She held him up and pressed her cheek against his fur. “I promised.”
The puppy sniffed her, making a series of whimpers as he did.
“I know.” She nuzzled his face. “We’ll take a walk tomorrow morning, okay?”
This time the puppy yawned.
Andi found a towel in the bathroom and set it in the box. Poor baby. He had no idea his mother was gone. As long as he had someone to care for him, he was happy. Something about the little puppy made Andi think of the baby boy she gave up for adoption. Little Johnny Baxter, the child being raised by his adoptive parents, Luke and Reagan Baxter.
Andi thought about him often, wondering if in some way the child missed her. But the truth was, he had the most wonderful parents. Andi heard updates from Luke and Reagan a few times a year. Johnny was thriving. Andi had done the right thing. And now this little pup had the right parent, too.
Her.
Once the puppy was asleep in his box, Andi took her journal, sat near the window and began to write. Never mind that Cody was part of her past, or that Andi would break off their second engagement again if she had it to do over. She still felt a little unfaithful after her day with Caleb. She stared at the empty page and then—almost as if her heart was doing the talking—the pen began to move.
Dear Cody . . . His name still felt familiar on her tongue. In her soul. She sighed and continued. I’ll never send you this letter and you’ll never see it, but still I have to write it. This job stirs up incredibly deep thoughts, times when I feel like coming back to my hotel and crying for hours. Today it was a dog that died. She thought about Caleb, how he cared about the loss the same way she did. Anyway, all of it makes me wish you were here. She scribbled out that last part and tried again. All of it makes me remember you. The way we used to be. Back when I could just sit next to you and share with you. Feel your arm around my shoulders.
You were always the best listener, Cody. Your heart heard the things I said and you would do anything in the world to help me. A Bible verse or a hug, a walk along the beach. I felt safe with you. You loved with actions. . . . At least you used to. Before the end. She read what she’d written. What happened? I still don’t understand how it all faded away. Maybe I never will.
Her pen flew across the page, her thoughts clear. Sometimes I wonder where you are, and whether you think of me. Whether you’re mad at me. She hesitated. Please don’t be mad at me, Cody. You were distracted. Confused. I don’t know, but I know this—I couldn’t give you my life unless you really wanted me.
She felt again the full weight of walking away from him. Leaving Cody was one of the hardest things she’d ever done. She closed the journal and stared at the fading light outside. Eventually her heart would heal and she could move on. Maybe to someone like Caleb.
Maybe sooner than she thought.
Andi watched the way the city lights lit up a few stray cumulus clouds. Dozens of puffy white clouds had dotted the heavens the day she broke things off with Cody for the last time.
He had been finishing work at Oaks Christian, always the last one to leave after a football game. This one was on a Saturday afternoon, and Andi had been in the stands. Although Cody didn’t know that. He thought she was having lunch with her parents.
In reality she’d already had lunch with them, already told them she was going to break off the second engagement. She had their blessing, because of how he’d treated her. How he’d been so shut down emotionally.
Andi still couldn’t believe the roller coaster of emotions they’d both gone through from the time he found her in that coffee shop after their first broken engagement. He had offered to pray for her. That’s what had drawn her back into his life.
Back into his heart.
They ended up talking the next day, and hours later they met at the beach and talked until nearly midnight. He took her to dinner the next evening, and like that they were a couple again. During that time her parents had moved back to Bloomington for a year. Cody told her he was taking her to Indiana for a surprise birthday party for her mother.
Instead it turned out to be a surprise engagement party.
With all their family and friends watching, Cody asked her—a second time—to be his wife. What else could she say but yes? She loved him as much then as she had before.
It should have been a match that outshone the moon and stars. But a few months after they got back to Los Angeles, Cody began to withdraw. She’d be talking to him and he’d stare off at the sky. Like she wasn’t even there. Sometimes he’d be on his phone. Too busy to look up or notice her.
After a season of that, Andi had her answer.
So after that Saturday football game, Andi waited till everyone had cleared the bleachers and all the players had gone home. When she saw Cody return to the field carrying his gear bag, she walked down the stairs and met him.
She could still hear their conversation now.
“Andi?” He had stopped and set his gear bag down. “I thought you were at—”
“My parents and I . . . we went to lunch earlier.” She removed her sunglasses and looked into his eyes. “I need to talk to you.”
Even now when she looked back on the moment she was sure Cody had no idea what was coming. He took her hand and led her to a nearby sideline bench. “What is it? You look serious.”
“I am.” She blinked back tears and for a long time said nothing. She studied his face, his expression. Memorizing the way it felt to sit beside him, to be his fiancée. One last time. Finally she drew a slow breath. “Cody . . . it isn’t working.”
His cheeks grew a shade paler and alarm colored his expression. “Andi.” He shook his head. “What are you talking about?”
“Us. You and me.” She looked at her left hand, at the diamond solitaire on her finger. Then she lifted her eyes to his. “Lately . . . it’s like you don’t see me, Cody. You’re distracted. You look past me.” She hesitated. “Sometimes you and I are at dinner and you look out the window, like you’re seeing other worlds, other . . . I don’t know.”
“That isn’t true.” Cody took her hands. “I love you with everything I am, Andi.”
Even then Andi had believed him. “I know you do.” She savored the feel of his touch. “But you’re not excited. You’re not anxious to marry me. At least I don’t feel it.”
“But I do want to marry you . . . I think about it all the time.”
“You’re thinking about something else.” She paused. “Or someone else.”
Cody stood and paced a few feet. He looked shocked. “There’s no one else. This is crazy, Andi.”
“It’s not crazy. My parents see it, too.” She waited a few seconds. No way she was going to bring up Bailey. But she couldn’t help but think of her. Andi’s best friend had been Cody’s love for years. Sure, Bailey was happily married. But Andi still wondered if Bailey was the reason her fiancé had been distracted. The doubts in her heart wouldn’t go away.
One of Andi’s favorite movies was Scrooge, the musical. The one with Albert Finney. In that old film Abigail comes to visit Scrooge in his countinghouse. Scrooge barely looks up as Abigail explains that he has replaced her with his love for money. Her words to him replayed in Andi’s mind. And so I release you with a full heart, for the love of him, who you once were.
That’s how Andi had felt that day at the football field with Cody. With her heart breaking in half, Andi worked her hands free from his grasp. She removed her engagement ring and handed it back to Cody. “I can’t marry you.” She kissed his cheek and stood. “I’m sorry. You’re not who you were, Cody. I don’t know what happened but . . . I can’t marry you.”
That day, standing there with the engagement ring tucked in his hand, Cody said only a few words. “I’m sor
ry, Andi. I love you still. I always will.”
Then Cody had done something that stayed with Andi to this day. Something that reminded her not to dare answer the phone when he called. Not ever.
He let her walk away. Just watched her go.
Something he never would’ve done if he cared.
Andi let the memory break apart. She opened her journal again and once more read what she’d written. Cody, I still pray for you. I still miss you. I still love you. And one of these days I’ll stop writing you these letters.
That’s when I’ll know that I’m over you.
Her cell phone rang and she answered it on the first ring without checking caller ID. “Hello?”
“Andi, it’s Randolph.” The director of the disaster relief organization.
She hadn’t talked to him since she was hired. “Yes, sir?”
“I wanted to thank you myself.” He sounded very satisfied. “Your friends Bailey and Brandon Paul made a significant donation today. I thought you should know.” He went on, explaining how the group would now continue serving hundreds of displaced citizens. Even buying Bibles for people homeless and hurting.
When the call was over, Andi sat on the hotel floor next to the sleeping puppy. She had barely mentioned the organization’s financial struggles to Bailey. And now this. Back in college, Andi had often been jealous of Bailey. Not only of Bailey’s ability to live out her faith but mostly of the way Cody looked at her. Cody, the only boy Andi had ever loved.
Andi looked out the window again. The clouds were gone. If Cody loves Bailey after all this time, would you set him free, Father? Please . . . Bailey’s married and that’s just . . . it’s wrong. Please, God.
Possibly she was mistaken. But Andi doubted it. The good news was that over time she and Bailey had become more than former roommates. They were real best friends. They talked on the phone all the time and they prayed for each other every day. Besides her parents, no one knew Andi better. She loved Bailey Flanigan Paul with all her heart.
Even if maybe Cody still did, too.