Chapter Four
Ethan walked through the ravaged fields, finding the withered vines were an apt visual analogy for how he felt inside. How could this be happening? He’d always known he wouldn’t have children. He’d been an only child for several years, before his parents accidentally got pregnant with his brother. At eleven, he’d been able to see how the kid drove them apart, putting distance between his parents. He assumed his birth had caused the same issues, but unlike after he was born, they hadn’t been able to repair the problems that go-round. They’d divorced by the time Steven was eighteen-months-old.
He’d watched his mother make the same mistake with her next marriage, ending up devoting all her time to her new daughter and forgetting her husband. It had been no surprise when his stepfather had left her after less than four years, and she’d had no one except her children to love. His dad had been more sensible, choosing to remarry a woman who didn’t have children, and they’d never produced any. That had been a decision that resonated with Ethan.
He’d learned the lesson well. If you want your wife to be your wife, don’t have a child. It had been a thrill to discover that would never be an issue with Lily. There had been just a couple of times over the past years that he’d wavered, even once thinking about suggesting fostering or adoption to his wife, but ultimately, he’d decided he wanted to be the center of her world as much as she was his.
With all that in mind, he wondered at what point his startup had become his primary focus. When had Lily stopped being his first priority? It didn’t even make sense to him. They’d made so much money from using the software privately that he had no need to launch a company. Or he could have hired developers and managers to take the software public and used some of their amassed wealth to just enjoy each other without pressures from his company or her job.
It seemed so clear in retrospect the course they should have taken. Only now they couldn’t. He didn’t believe any solar flare would be stopping them, but the baby she’d unexpectedly conceived would put a halt to everything.
Ethan knew he was being selfish. He’d been selfish with his time since starting his company, and now he was being selfish with hers. Knowing it and stopping it were two separate things. He wanted Lily to love him as much as she always had, not have her loyalties divided. It was already clear there would be no contest. She’d chosen to keep it without so much as a discussion with him.
He sighed, acknowledging he couldn’t blame her. She’d never confessed that she’d wanted a baby, so he hadn’t realized how much not being able to had bothered her, even if only vaguely. It would be incredibly selfish of him to deny her the chance that most women had, whether or not they exercised the option. Her body had given her a miracle, and here he was outside, sulking like an ass.
Firming his mouth, he turned to go back to her, having decided he’d just make the best of the situation. As an adult, he’d have to make sure to keep their marriage strong and their focus on each other. They would meet the kid’s needs, of course, but he couldn’t let her get completely lost in motherhood to the cost of their marriage.
When he reentered the house, he found her sitting at the kitchen table, pushing the food she’d made around her plate. Feeling sheepish, he sat down at the spot she’d set for him, reaching for her hand. He half-expected her to shrug him off, but she squeezed his fingers. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded. “It was a shock, I know.” Looking up to meet his gaze, she said, “I’d planned to tell you this morning. I’ve known two weeks, and it took me that long to summon the courage to break the news.”
He flinched. “You weren’t afraid of me, were you?”
She smiled softly. “Of course not, but I figured your reaction would be about what it was. This is a shock for both of us. I knew you didn’t want kids, but I didn’t realize how opposed you were to the idea. I truly didn’t think it would ever be an issue between us, since I was sterile. Supposedly.”
“Having kids split up my parents. My mom lost herself in motherhood, and my father got left out in the cold. When she remarried, she did the same after Lynn was born. Her second husband left her, and she died several years later all alone.”
“Whereas Jim and Patty are still happily married and still together.” Her eyes widened with horror. “Oh, no. I didn’t even think about warning them.” Looking sick, she said, “It just didn’t occur to me to call your family.”
Ethan patted her hand. “I understand.” She’d lost her parents in an accident three years ago, and Kenny had been her only sibling. “They wouldn’t be your first thought, since they don’t visit very often.” Ethan frowned at himself, realizing he felt just a little cheated that his dad didn’t make more of an effort to include him in his life. Of course, he had a solid marriage with Patty, to whom he was devoted, so it was reasonable that he wouldn’t worry too much about his grown son. Right?
“What about Lynn and Steven?” She looked at the clock. “You could probably still get hold of them.”
He hid his disdain pretty well, he hoped. “What’s the point now, babe? If something does happen, it should be soon. They wouldn’t have any time to prepare.”
She shook her head. “What if you never get to talk to them again?”
He lifted a shoulder. “I don’t think it’ll come to that.”
Lily grimaced. “Lynn is in Paris, and Steven lives in Albuquerque. If power goes, you’ll never see them again, Ethan. I don’t want you to waste your last chance to at least talk.”
Feeling the need to humor her, though he had no intention of mentioning the mad ravings of her friend and the crazy nutjobs who really thought the sun was going to wipe them out, he excused himself to make short calls to his siblings.
When he came back, she had cleared the table and sat with her hand on her stomach, looking a mile away. He returned to his seat, once again taking her hand. “The truth is, I never wanted a baby. I still don’t, even with one growing inside you, babe, but it’s happened. We’ll make the best of it. I won’t lose you over this. Okay?”
She seemed a little sad, but nodded. “I don’t want to lose you either, but I don’t want our baby to feel unwanted.” Nibbling her lip, she said softly, “I want it a lot, and I already love it. As soon as I accepted I was having the baby, it felt right. I don’t expect that to happen to you right away, but it has to when he or she arrives. You have to bond.”
She left the “or else” unspoken, but he could infer what she meant. Ethan swallowed the lump in his throat, hating that he might lose his wife over this. “I promise to do my best.” He meant it too. It wasn’t what he wanted, but he could adapt. For Lily, he could do anything.