As Mark chatted up Remy, I glanced at Rylen beside me. He was lost in thought again.
“How was your day?” I asked.
“Fine,” he responded robotically. “You?”
“Probably not as interesting as yours,” I said.
His eyes cleared as he looked at me with probing questions, like he wondered what I knew. That look from him sent a stab of nervousness through me. I could only guess he’d learned something today that he couldn’t get off his mind. What the hell was going on in this place? Nervousness rose up again, and I was too afraid to ask, even in quiet confidence. Right now I was in a state of ignorance. I knew once I found out what this big secret was, there would be no going back from it. The logical part of me wanted to know everything, but the emotional part wondered how much I could handle.
A blast of weariness made me slump in the seat. I could have closed my eyes, curled up, and slept right there in that noisy room.
“Come on,” Rylen said to me. “I’m heading back.” He cocked his head toward the side of the room with the tunnel, and I nodded gratefully.
“You want to come to the room?” I asked Remy.
She looked up at me with slightly pink cheeks. “I think I’ll just stay here and hang out until my shift. Get to know people and stuff. I don’t really want to go back down that tunnel until I have to.”
“Okay. Night.” She grabbed my dangling pinky with her own and gave it swing before turning back to Matt and Mark.
I gave all the guys a wave and followed Rylen past the common area to the tunnel. My legs were super stiff by the time we got to the hotel. I would have taken some pain meds if I wasn’t restricting the ibuprofen stash to emergencies. I figured one more good night of sleep and I’d be normalish again.
“I want to see if Tater’s in your room,” I said.
Rylen opened his door, and sure enough, Tater was laid back on the bed, his legs dangling from the edge. Rylen spread a hand to welcome me in.
“I can wait out here,” he whispered. I handed him my key instead, and he nodded, leaving us.
I went in and Tater turned his eyes toward me without getting up.
“If you’re here to yell at me—”
“I’m not,” I assured him. I climbed on the bed beside him, curling up and placing my head on his chest.
In half a second his chest heaved up and he pressed his palms to his face. My own eyes burned for the pain he felt. I pulled him up and his arm went around me. I held him around the waist as he cried.
“Tater—”
“We’re all going to die,” he said, pulling back and roughly rubbing his face.
“Well, no shit.” Usually my sarcasm could make him laugh, but not today.
“They’re going to kill you. And Remy. Rylen. Eventually, they’re going to—”
“Stop.” I grabbed his arm. “You can’t do that. You can’t think like that. It’s not healthy, Tater. They’ve taken too much already; don’t let them take your hope, too.”
“You really have hope?” he asked skeptically.
I chewed my lip. “I have you guys, and you all give me hope. This place, these people, that gives me hope. It’s not much, but it’s something.”
He shook his head. His face was so barren, like he’d fallen into a pit and I couldn’t reach him.
“When is your next shift?” I asked.
“The morning.”
I took his hand. “Promise me you’ll try to get some sleep.”
Without a word, he rolled to his side on the bed, staring across the room blankly. My heart ached inside my ribcage. I pulled off his shoes and peeled off his socks. He just . . . let me. Then I kissed his head and whispered, “I love you so much.”
He closed his eyes and said nothing.
I was still trembling inside when I got to my room. Ry sat on the edge of the bed. I gave him a sad shake of my head. “He’s laying down. He’s depressed.”
He watched as I yanked off my shoes and fell face first onto the bed.
“I’ll let you rest,” he whispered. I felt the bed move as he stood. Suddenly the room felt really empty. How long had it been since I was alone? The feeling sort of freaked me out. Ry had the door halfway closed behind himself when I sat up and called, “Wait.”
He stuck his head back in. “Yeah?”
“What are you doing now?” I asked.
“I was just going to read.”
“Oh.” Don’t be needy. You’ll be fine in here alone. “Okay.”
“Do you . . . want me to stay?”
“If you want. I mean, I’m just going to lay down, but if you’re just going to be sitting and reading anyway—”
“All right,” he said gently. “Let me grab my book and check on Tater.”
A flutter of happiness shot through my nervous system. Rylen was back minutes later with a huge hardback missing a cover. Something about airplane mechanics was written on the spine.
“Do you think Tater’s okay to be by himself?” I asked, suddenly feeling bad for taking him away.
“Devon was just coming up, so he’ll be there. And Tater’s eyes were shut.”
“Okay,” I said. I vowed to myself to check on my brother and talk to him every day.
I went in the bathroom to change into a nightshirt and brush my hair and teeth. I’d showered both last night and this morning, so I couldn’t do it again yet.
When I came back into the room Rylen was sitting on top of the covers on Remy’s side, his long legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. He was already deep into that book on his lap. He looked up and caught me staring.
“Oh, uh . . .” He glanced at the desk and chair. “I can sit over there.” He started to get up.
“No! No, it’s fine.” I climbed into bed and slipped into the sheets, making an accidental sound of pleasure. Oh, man, my muscles were screaming with release. A full belly, a soft bed, warmth, and this man by my side. I mean, he wasn’t my man, but he was still here, so I’d take it.
I glanced up at him drowsily from where I was snuggled down like a kangaroo in a pouch. His eyes searched my face for what felt like forever before he spoke.
“You can sleep,” he said softly. “I’ll be here.”
He didn’t have to tell me twice.
New Year’s Eve came. Remy and I sat together and watched the festivities in the Lobby—mostly just dancing and mingling—without partaking in it ourselves. It was strange to see Remy on the sidelines at a party. She’d been quiet the past week, mostly chatting with the guys in her off time. But she was far from her old self. She kept a small smile on her face as she talked to them, but her body language showed she was closed off: arms crossed, keeping distance, never touching, even casually. Now and then I’d see her and Tater make eye contact, only for him to look away with a stiff coldness.
I’d tried to talk to him every day, but he wasn’t always having it. He didn’t open up to me again, and didn’t show any emotion as he’d done that night in his room. Rylen promised he’d keep an eye on him too.
Remy and I sat side by side on a loveseat against the far wall, looking out at the hundred-plus bodies crammed in the room, young men and women of various ages and races, all with military ties. It was so much louder than usual. There wasn’t much partying that went on in the bunker, that was for certain. And even now there were a ton of watch guards on duty outside. A sense of safety blanketed this place, but I think we all knew it was too good to be true. I was on my guard constantly, waiting for the moment when the DRI would find us.
Try to relax and have fun, I told myself. I sat back and exhaled.
Of course I knew where Rylen was in the room at any given time. My internal radar sensed him and followed his movement like a bonafide stalker. He sent glances my way now and then, as if checking on me. My stomach dipped each time I found his warm eyes on me, and then he’d go back to his conversations. The guys were good at meeting people. Remy and I? Not so much. And most of the women had their groups that they
stuck with. Except Linette. She seemed to be friends with all of the guys. She was one of those girls who knew sports facts and loved to hunt. She made me look like a girly girl. I hated that I felt a little jealous of how she could command the attention of an entire room, and I especially despised the way she talked down to Remy.
Right now Remy was staring off, chewing her thumb nail. She used to get manicures every two weeks, and now she’d chewed them to nubs. Her hair was full of bright bounce again, but she’d lost a good bit of the voluptuousness that she’d always proudly displayed.
“Hey, Rem?” I said.
“Hm?” She still stared off.
“Want to go talk to anyone or dance?” I didn’t feel like dancing, but I’d do it for her.
“No, I’m okay.” She gave me a small smile.
“What are you thinking about?”
“Actually . . .” Remy pushed her hair behind her ears, casting her eyes downward. “There’s this group that meets after dinner on Mondays and Thursdays—a grief group—I was wondering if you’d go with me?”
Every ounce of guts inside of me sank like lead to the floor. I could not think of anything worse. I’d seen that group huddled together in one of the meeting rooms, all of them looking serious about something, but I hadn’t known what was going on. Yeah, I had a lot of shit in my head these days, but my method of coping had always been to keep it to myself, or occasionally confide in Mom.
Now my only choice was to stuff those feelings down deep inside of me. They were mine. My problem. No amount of talking would make them go away. And the thought of hearing everyone else’s stories made me sick to my stomach. Maybe that made me a bitch, but I just wasn’t good at it. Sharing and comforting. My entire job as a paramedic had centered around being with people in the most traumatic moments of their lives, and I had a way of stuffing each story deep inside of myself afterward, down into the darkness where I couldn’t see it or feel it anymore.
Remy shook her head when I didn’t answer. “Never mind, it’s okay.”
“No, I’ll go with you.” Damn it. “I’m just—you know I’m not good at that stuff. I don’t know if I’ll be able to talk, but I’ll be there to support you.”
The grateful look she gave me made me feel like the hugest jerk for not wanting to go.
“Ladies.” We both turned our heads up to the voice.
“Hi, First Sergeant,” I said. Remy and I both stood.
“Happy New Year,” Remy told him.
He pretended to tip an invisible hat to her. My dad would have liked this guy.
“First Sergeant,” I said. “I’ve been wondering. When do you think we’ll be able to, you know . . .” My nerves suddenly skyrocketed. “Learn more about what’s going on here, and what the plan is.”
Remy’s eyebrows went up, but First Sergeant didn’t look at all surprised by my question. He linked his hands behind his back and pursed his lips in thought.
“This place is run on a need-to-know basis. Much of our intel is highly classified, and disturbing to the point that more than one soldier has lost his mind after learning everything there is to know. Not everyone can handle it.”
My heart thudded and Remy’s eyes now rounded with horror. My God . . . what in the actual hell was going on? I was dying to know, but also terrified. I wanted to think I could handle it, but had it really made people go insane?
“We have to know eventually,” I said. I wasn’t feeling brave, but the lack of knowledge made me feel vulnerable and I hated that sensation.
“True, Miss Tate. And time is of the essence.” The gravity in his voice turned my stomach. “Soon. Okay?”
I swallowed and nodded.
He started to go, but turned back and said, “Oh, and ladies? Call me Top.”
I grinned. He walked away and Remy was trembling as she looked at me.
“Top? Isn’t that what people called your dad?”
“Yeah.” My heart expanded.
“What do you think he’s talking about?” she asked. “What could it be? I know we’re at war. Everyone knows that. Why wouldn’t a soldier be able to handle that? What more is there? Do you think maybe the DRI is some religious cult that does disgusting things or something? I mean . . . besides bombings.” Her voice dropped.
“I have no idea,” I said. And I really didn’t. My mind was whirling a million miles an hour trying to figure out who we were fighting that had the power to do this kind of worldwide damage. I used to think it was dumb luck, that the enemy caught us all off guard and we never had time to defend ourselves before millions were wiped out. But who were the enemy? All of the DRI I’d met seemed like normal-looking people who could’ve been from nearly anywhere, though their personalities were severely lacking.
Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t quite place what race most of them were. All of the DRI had attractive attributes, as far as fit bodies and symmetric faces, nice, thick hair. But thinking about their facial features—they weren’t quite white or Hispanic or black or Asian. Their eyes weren’t quite round or slanted. Their skin was olive toned or creamy tanned. Their lips were perfectly full, their noses somewhere between narrow and wide. What a weird coincidence that not a single one of the ones I’d met had distinctive nationality traits.
“What’s wrong?” Remy asked. I must have been scrunching my face.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
My attention was spear-headed at the sight of Linette passing us with a cigarette in her fingers, walking that sure, sultry walk of hers, straight to Rylen and Tater. My jaw clenched. Remy followed my gaze and groaned. Linette and the guys chatted comfortably. I, however, watched in complete discomfort. I needed to stop letting her get to me. Jealousy was the worst feeling. I hated it.
“Should we go over there?” I asked.
“No,” Remy whispered sadly. “Tater needs some positive attention right now, even if it’s from her. And you don’t have to worry about Rylen. His mind is always on bigger things.”
Yeah, I told myself. Bigger things. Okay. No problem.
“And do you really not care that she’s talking to Tater?” I asked.
“Me and Jacob talked last night after my shift.” She watched him as she said it. “We’re both too messed up right now to have anything. We’ll just keep hurting each other.”
“You can have something,” I said. “It doesn’t have to be romantic.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “But I have a hard time being just friends with a guy when I like him.”
“So, you like him.” I nudged her and she nudged me back.
“You know I do. And I can’t handle the emotions right now.”
I nodded.
A loud voice from the other side of the room shouted, making me jump, but after a second I realized he was counting down.
“Fourteen . . . thirteen . . . twelve . . .” And everyone joined in. I hadn’t realized it was almost midnight already.
My first instinct was to move to our friends across the room, but Linette was literally hip-to-hip with Rylen as she counted down, punching the air with each number. He stood with one hand in his pocket, the other holding his cup of water, not smiling or counting, but not moving away from her. His eyes scanned the room and found me.
I felt myself freeze as the air stuck in my lungs and I stared.
“Two . . . one! Happy New Year!”
In seeming slow motion, Linette turned to Ry, her cigarette raised, and kissed him right on the lips. It was only a second, not even long enough for tongue or anything big, but it was enough to make me press my hand to my stomach as the worst case of green monster in history tore through my body, shredding me in a fury.
Rylen’s eyes focused on her with surprise, but she just gave him a sly smile before slinking over to Tater and hugging him. Rylen found my eyes again through the crowd, my heart pounding, pounding, pounding.
I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
“Did she really just kiss him?”
Remy asked.
As Linette made her way around my group of guys, hugging them, sometimes pecking them on the lips, and then clobbering Tall Mark when he grabbed her ass, I moved toward them, possessiveness rearing its wild head.
“Amber . . .” Remy’s voice held warning. “What are you doing?” She followed behind me as I sewed a path through the crowd. By the time I got to the other side, Linette had moved to another group, greeting them just as happily.
I tapped her shoulder and she turned to me, her head pulling back in surprise. I must have looked unfriendly, because she snubbed out her cigarette and crossed her arms.
“Can I help you, Tate?” She had to raise her voice in the super loud room.
“Yeah,” I told her. “Stay away from Rylen.” Oh, my God. I couldn’t believe I’d just said that.
Her eyes narrowed to fighting slits. I felt Remy behind me, her hand clutching the fabric of the back of my shirt, like she was prepared to pull me away.
“Who? Airman Fite? And why should I do that? Oh, right. You’re like his sister or something. Well, he’s a big boy. No need to protect him.”
“I’m not his sister,” I snarled. “His wife died one week ago. He’s still grieving!”
She slanted her face closer to mine. “I know his story better than you think I do. He spilled his guts when I questioned him. He needed to get it all out, and I let him.” She swished her long bangs out of her eyes and focused on me with precision. “None of us is guaranteed a full life anymore. Every one of us is mourning someone, and we don’t have years to get over it. Sometimes the best way to heal is to move on. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”
She turned her back to my face and I stepped away, almost knocking Remy over. She pulled me away.
“I can’t believe you just did that,” Remy hissed. “You just totally gave her ammunition against you, you know that, right?” She faced me, crossing her arms. “Now she’s going to hate you and go after Rylen with all she’s got. You need to hurry and go after him yourself!”
My jaw fell open.
“I meant what I said!” I told her. “It’s disrespectful to ‘go after’ him right now. She doesn’t know him like I do. If he hooks up with someone this soon after Livia’s death, he will feel guilty. That’s how he works.”