“Sorry, man.” Texas Harry stood, holding up his palms. “I meant no offense. I wasn’t thinking . . .” Tex ran a hand down his patchy facial growth and sighed. Tater turned away.
My hands shook as I pretended to focus on the cups in front of me, lining them up. The lean redheaded Air Force officer, Sean, came over and squatted next to me.
“What can I do?”
“Sean . . .” I had to know. “What about your parents?”
His jaw clenched. “They haven’t talked to me in years. Since I . . . came out.” He glanced up at the other guys, his auburn-scruffed jaw clenching, as if daring them to say something. Nobody reacted. Either they already figured, or they didn’t care. I glanced at Remy and she gave me an I told you so nod as Sean continued. “But I have an older sister in Seattle who I’m close with. She’s the one I’m worried about. I was near Vegas visiting . . . a friend. I left for Nellis Air Force Base when the bombs hit, got turned away, and when I came back my friend’s whole neighborhood was empty. I can only assume he’s dead now.”
My eyes fluttered closed and back open. I looked over at Josh with his Italian features, sitting with his legs wide, poking the ground with a stick. “Nah,” he said. “It’s been two years. I’m that asshole kid who uses his leave to party instead of visiting his family in upstate New York.” He gave an ill-humored laugh and shook his dark head. “I got two nieces and three nephews. My brother owns a sandwich shop . . .” He poked the ground harder, his lips tightly sealed now.
When I turned to Devon’s tall, muscular form, he crossed his arms and shook his head. “I don’t know. I never made it out there,” was all he said. But his eyes were alight, probably remembering his loved ones, I think in Mississippi.
Was it possible that what was happening here in Nevada was happening nationwide? I wasn’t sure what was better—not knowing and being able to hope your family was okay—or knowing they were gone. My chest squeezed and I wiped my eyes on my shoulder.
“Let me finish this,” Sean said. “You can go get ready.”
I gave a small nod of gratitude and stood. Rylen and Tater were breaking down the tent and making quick work of it. They’d set my backpack outside of it next to the tightly rolled sleeping bags. When I leaned down to get my bag, Tater took my arm.
“Still mad at me?” he asked quietly. I’d been upset that my brother hooked up with my best friend, especially under these circumstances. But that was before last night’s bomb. The worry in his eyes killed me.
“No.” My voice was soft. “It’s the least of my concerns. Do you guys need help?”
“We’ve got it.”
I headed down the path to a patch of trees where I could get ready in private. I pulled a facial wipe from the pack and cleaned my face, then my underarms. The pack was only half full. I didn’t want to think about how we’d soon be out of the things we relied on. I changed into my skinny jeans and a thin sweatshirt with a wide neck that showed my collarbones and part of one shoulder. It felt baggier than usual. My fitted jeans that were supposed to be tight were loose too. At least my sneakers still fit right.
I ran a brush through my hair and pulled it up in a slick, high ponytail. That was it for my primping. On my way back up to camp, I tossed my bag in the back of Dad’s SUV where the guys were loading in the camping stuff. Rylen closed the trunk and looked me over, making me feel suddenly warmer.
“You’re losing weight,” he said grimly.
“We all are,” Tater remarked. He pulled up his T-shirt to show the camo belt he’d had to use with his jeans, pulled tight enough to bunch the fabric.
Rylen let out a small laugh and pulled up his own T-shirt to show he’d resorted to using his work belt, cinched tight, too. My stomach gave a flip at the sight of his lower abs with a light patch of happy trail hair leading down between his V-lined hips. I quickly turned away and walked the rest of the way up the hill to camp, shaking out my arms. I’d been checking out Rylen for years, even while he was married, which had caused me a fair amount of guilt. But it felt really wrong to do it while he was grieving a freshly dead wife. A girl who’d kind of become my friend.
The other guys were bustling around when I got there, and Sean handed me a steaming cup of watery latte. I closed my eyes and brought it to my nose, inhaling the scent. Well, friend, I thought, this is it. I hope we meet again someday. I took a sip and felt the sweet warmth down to my toes. A moan escaped me.
“Damn, that’s one lucky cup of joe,” Tall Mark said. I opened my eyes and caught his goofy grin, lopsided.
“Shut it,” I muttered. Normally I would have smiled, but the effort was too great. The grief that had flooded my body the night before still blanketed me, stunting my muscles from exerting signs of happiness. Every time I thought of a world without Juanita and Jacob Tate Senior, my insides felt like they were being massacred. Such wonderful lives, wasted. Suddenly I wasn’t even interested in my coffee.
“Enjoy it,” Mark said. I forced myself to take another sip for him. He patted my shoulder and went to help the others. His tall frame looked even thinner than yesterday, camo pants hanging lower with no butt to speak of, bunching around his ankles.
In a matter of minutes, the guys had packed up the camp and shoved everything in the back of Dad’s SUV and Devon’s mom’s minivan. We finished our coffees as we huddled around the front end of the SUV where Texas Harry had laid out the map.
“We gotta avoid all big towns, cities, and main roads,” he said. “Which means we’ll have to zig-zag our way northeast.”
“Let’s hope for clear back roads or dirt terrain without a lot of rocks,” Tater said. He pointed at part of our route. “This is the county we grew up in, so we know that area pretty well.”
“There’s a few national forests along the way if we need to stop,” Rylen said, pointing to a couple areas in Utah. He looked at Devon. “How much gas do you have?”
“‘Bout half a tank.”
“Shit,” Tater mumbled. “It’s at least 450 miles to Dugway Proving Ground. I used our spare gas to fill up and I’m at about three-quarters of a tank. That’ll only get us a hundred and fifty miles or so. We need to hit that gas station before we head out.”
His eyes turned downcast at the mention of the gas station, and Remy let out a whimper, quickly covering her mouth. I took her other hand and squeezed. Going there would mean seeing where the camp had been—seeing the aftermath of last night’s bomb.
“All right then,” Texas Harry said quietly. “Let’s get a move on. We’ll take lead since Matt has the binoculars. Once we get closer to your neck of the woods, we’ll switch out.”
Tater nodded and patted the hood. “Hooah.” The guys repeated him, and we broke apart. My stomach was a mess thinking about our upcoming journey. I kept hold of Remy’s hand until it was time to climb into the back of Dad’s SUV with her. Tater jumped behind the wheel and Rylen took shotgun. He glanced back and held my eyes a few seconds. I gave him a nod.
Remy and I sat close, holding hands, garnering strength and comfort from one another for what was ahead. I watched Mom’s car as we passed it, leaving the safe shelter of Ash Meadows National Wildlife Refuge. Remy’s grip on my hand tightened as we exited into open land. Whoever killed our parents was out here. Fear of the unknown threatened to make me cry out, but I strangled it back down. We had to move forward.
We had to survive and fight.
As we neared the gas station, I started to crouch a little in my seat, which was silly, but Remy was doing it too. She leaned over my lap toward the window and her eyes darted skyward. Mine did the same. No fighter planes in sight. But my breathing got heavier and it felt like my heart was heaving in on itself as we pulled up at the gas station and parked. None of our eyes were on the building. We all stared in silence at the smoldering valley in the distance. My body was stiff and tense.
We continued to stare as we got out of the vehicle and walked to the edge of the paved lot. The four of us stood in a row, facing the sm
oking ruins. It looked from afar as if someone had taken a giant bucket of dirt and rocks and dumped it unceremoniously in the valley. Nothing green in sight. Just dirt and ash covering indistinguishable rubble where hundreds of people had walked yesterday. I felt the other five guys come up behind us and respectfully wait.
Remy let out a dry sob and sucked the air back in. She shook her head hard and ran to the SUV, shutting herself in. We let her go and continued to stare. I couldn’t believe it. I just couldn’t, even as I stared at the proof of what happened.
Nothing substantial remained. Only a partial wall where the large building had been. The camp was gone. Tater startled me by falling to his knees beside me. He scooped dirt into his shaking hands—dirt mixed with the ashen remains of our family.
I bent next to him and took his shoulder. A tear dripped from my nose into the dirt at our feet and I shut my eyes.
“Maldito,” Tater whispered. Curse them. “We’ll find them.” His tone was rough and deadly. I nodded and wiped my face.
“All the goods are gone,” Texas Harry said. We turned to find him at the shop’s door, his hands cupped to look inside. “This door ain’t gonna be easy to break.”
“I’m sure we can make it happen,” Rylen said. He walked to the SUV and came back with a hammer.
“Be careful,” I said. “Aim for the edges, not the middle. Edges are weakest.”
He narrowed his eyes as if wondering why I’d have that kind of information.
“We had to know how to break windows to get into locked buildings or cars. In case babies were left inside. Stuff like that. And all of this glass is tinted, so hopefully it won’t shatter. The tint keeps it stuck together.”
Rylen lifted his chin in understanding. “Smart Pepper.” My heart expanded at the sound of his nickname for me. A feisty chili-pepper, just like the one he’d had tattooed on his chest when he’d been feeling homesick in the Air Force. Back before he’d come home with a wife and shattered my heart.
He walked to the window next to the door and sized it up, getting a good grip on the hammer. Then, in a ripple of arm muscles, he swung. I flinched at the loud cracks as he swung twice, three times until there was a head-sized fissuring of glass. Just as I’d thought, the shards stuck together from the tinting. Rylen tossed the hammer to Tex and kicked the broken spot with the bottom of his boot, successfully pushing it in. He stuck his arm through the hole and unlocked the door.
“Sweet.” Texas Harry opened the door and we filed in.
I looked back and found Tater still crouched on the ground, staring at the bomb site, and something inside me died all over again. I approached him, and his eyes were far, far away.
“Tater,” I whispered. “Come on.”
He let me pull him to his feet, but his gaze was crazed. I gave his arm a squeeze and his eyes cleared. Tater looked from me to the gas station, and suddenly became alert. He jogged forward and I stood there a second, feeling a little freaked out to have seen my brother so out of it. Then I shook it off and followed them inside.
Disappointment filled me as it became apparent that not a single scrap of food or drinks had been left behind. Just toppled boxes and empty racks. We checked every single crevice of the abandoned store.
“Hey,” said Matt from down on the floor. “Found an M&M!” He stood and held up the beautiful blue circle between his fingers. My mouth literally watered. I could feel the crunch of the shell and the soft, creamy chocolate inside.
“You’re the big winner,” Tater said flatly. “Enjoy.”
“I think I’ll give it to Remy.”
Texas Harry, Josh, and Tall Mark awwwed, making Matt’s cheeks darken. “Fuck you guys. She’s sad.” Tater frowned as he watched Matt walk from the store to give Remy her gift. I couldn’t be jealous that Rem was getting a treat, but apparently Tater could. For different reasons.
“Let’s see if this pile of shit place has a generator,” he grumbled.
Generators and electronics were not in my job description, so I stayed out of the way while they looked behind the register and in the back office room, flipping switches and searching. I squatted to see if that lone M&M had any siblings. Nothing.
Matt came back in with a dreamy, small smile on his lips. He went straight into the tiny room I thought was a broom closet and said, “Generator’s in here, but the juice is low. Almost out. Might be enough to switch on the pumps for a few minutes. Get the cars ready.”
Tater and Devon leaped the counter and ran out to position the cars. My heart began to jog in my ribcage. Please let this work. I closed my eyes right there in the empty candy aisle and waited. Moments later I heard a click followed by a series of beeps and shouts of victory. My eyes flew open.
“It’s on!” Matt hollered.
“I’ve got the pumps on at the register,” Josh called out.
Mark stood at the window and whirled his hand in the air, signaling to Tater and Devon to pump.
“It’s working!” Josh said. “The meter’s going up.” We all cheered and for a second I smiled until it faltered like an awkward, unwanted sensation and fell away, leaving behind a quiet scrap of gladness.
“Ah, man, the power button’s blinking,” Matt said. “C’mon, baby, just a minute longer.”
I held my breath.
“Tater’s finished!” Mark called. “Now he’s trying to fill up the backup canister.”
Another beep sounded and Matt groaned. “No, no, no, come on.” Then a whoosh went through the building as the generator shut down and silence filled the air.
We looked around at each other.
“It’ll have to be enough,” Texas Harry said.
Hopefully we could find another abandoned gas station along the way. We left the building as Tater was pouring the small amount he’d gotten in the canister into Devon’s tank to top it off. They gave each other high fives and everyone shared slaps and knuckle bumps before climbing back into vehicles. I slid next to Remy. We reached for one another instinctively and held tight.
“Let’s get the hell out of here.” Tater put the SUV in drive and we were off.
Remy put her head on my shoulder and I got a small but distinct whiff of chocolate.
“I might have to lick you, Rem,” I blurted.
Both Tater and Rylen turned to us, nearly cracking heads in the process.
“She smells like chocolate,” I explained. Tater shook his head and faced forward again. Ry gave me one last bemused look before turning back too.
“Hey,” Remy whispered. She raised her free hand to my face, and to my shock, there was half of the tiny candy pinched between her finger and thumb. “I saved half for you.”
My heart lurched with emotion. “Are you serious?”
She nodded and her chin quivered as she raised the M&M to my mouth and fed it to me. She licked her fingers off while I savored the tiny morsel. My eyes watered as I crunched down and Remy said, “Good, right?”
A second later we were hugging and crying all over again.
“We have to save our water,” I choked.
She sniffled and let go of me to wipe her face. “No more crying.”
“Maybe try to sleep,” Rylen suggested. “We’ll wake you if anything happens.” He gave me a reassuring glance.
I didn’t know if I could ever sleep again, but I pulled our pillows from the top of the pile in the back and we snuggled against the windows, our feet and legs tangled in the middle. I looked out the front windshield and saw only dry landscape and distant mountains. Nothingness. Kind of how I felt inside.
I jolted awake with a pounding in my head as the SUV swerved into rubble.
“Whoa,” Rylen called. Tater quickly righted the SUV. “You okay, man?”
My brother ran a hand roughly through his hair. “I’m fine.”
I glanced at Remy, who was watching him with worry. Had he fallen asleep? Or maybe his mind was wandering? He looked pissed off, so I was afraid to ask. Instead, I stared out at the sight of dry, rugged,
mountainous terrain. The minivan in front of us began to slow.
“Where are we?” My voice was scratchy from sleep.
“Well, look who’s awake,” Tater said drily. “You missed all the fun.”
I sat up straighter. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” Rylen answered. “We saw one white van back in Nevada. Looked like it was going in the direction of the Air Force Base. But we were too far away to be noticed.”
“We’re not in Nevada anymore? How long did I sleep?”
“Few hours,” said Rylen. “And we’re in Utah.”
Whoa. I stretched and cracked my neck.
And then Remy spoke so quietly at the window, I almost missed it. “We saw more bombed camps.”
“What?” My belly tightened. I looked up a Rylen, who gave a morose nod.
“Three areas that looked like they’d been fenced off and bombed.”
Oh, my God. I pressed a hand to my stomach. If they’d seen that many, just on back roads, who knew how many people had been taken from their towns and cities to these remote places to be killed? Could it really be happening all over the U.S.? The world? Horror and indignation made my head pound harder.
Tater pulled into a small lot with a sign that read: Beaver Dam Wash National Conservation Area. He followed the minivan off the pavement and into a crevice between two rocky hills.
My stomach gave a gurgle as a gnawing hunger pain struck. Climbing out of the car, I felt weaker than I had in a while. I fought against it and helped to set up the gas burner so I could heat soup for everyone. A chill in the air made me wish I had a sweatshirt or jacket. I knew as we moved north into higher elevations it was going to get cold, and I was not looking forward to that.
I handed everyone a few crackers and shoved mine into my mouth, almost choking on the dryness. I emptied all five cans of chicken noodle into the pot. That would be half a can for each of us. I hoped like hell we got to Dugway soon and that they’d have some sort of resources there. In the meantime, we had to keep up our strength, even if it was only two small meals a day. Or even one.