Whoa! It wasn’t just me, after all, I thought.
“Nick, ever since then I’ve been praying and fasting on what to do,” Kanae said.
“Why didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend back then at the Bell Tower?”
“I was going to ask Tammy for your e-mail to tell you everything, but then Tammy told me that you texted her about my sister taking your breath away …”
“No, no, no,” I said. “That text to Tammy was about you, not Yoshie.”
“It was about me?”
“You were the one I talked the most to that day. You were the one who caught my eye and held it during my speech, and you were the one I texted about to Tammy.”
“Well, I thought you were just a player flirting with us both!”
“No,” I insisted.
We both paused a second.
“So, now, you are telling me that you were praying to God and fasting about me?” I asked.
“Yes, I didn’t know what to do,” Kanae said. “I have a boyfriend, but I’d never felt what I felt when you looked at me.”
“Are you serious?” I said.
She fell silent.
Me too.
We’d run out of words. We’d been drawn to each other, but we’d both been torturing ourselves because of a misunderstanding. Our eyes locked again, and the longer we sat there, the more I never wanted to look anywhere else.
I was mesmerized.
Then panicked.
I felt an overwhelming urge to lean forward and kiss her. The emotional barriers were down. We’d opened up and shared our hearts. Yet she still had a boyfriend, which saddened me beyond belief.
She sensed what I was thinking.
“What do we do?” she asked.
“We can’t do anything. We’ve got to let this go. You have a boyfriend.”
Did I really just say that? I thought.
“You’d better go now,” I told her. Because I want to kiss you so badly, I thought.
I was whipsawed by thoughts of joy and feelings of panic. This beautiful young woman had genuine feelings for me. She could love me! But she still had a boyfriend.
I had to put my feelings on lockdown.
“Give me a hug and go upstairs now,” I told her. “We need to pray for God’s help. No matter what these feelings are, we need to ask God to take them away.”
I was torn, and so was Kanae. We decided to go our separate ways and believe by faith that if we were meant to be together, God would do miracles.
After Kanae left, I prayed on the couch for at least an hour, asking God first to calm my heart. Then I prayed for Him to help me stop wanting to be with Kanae if He did not want us to be together. I tried to convince myself that if she was not the one, I could just move on.
I dreamed of Kanae all night, and then in the morning, I had to say goodbye to her. Before leaving, she and Tammy and I huddled in the kitchen and talked through all that had happened. Tammy apologized for assuming that I’d been referring to Yoshie instead of Kanae when I texted about my feelings after the Bell Tower speech. We accepted her apology and forgave her for an honest mistake. Then we said our farewells to one another.
I left, not knowing if I’d ever see Kanae again, let alone be with her one day. I was emotionally exhausted from the highs and lows of the last twenty-four hours. All I could do was put it in God’s hands, but that didn’t stop my heart from aching. There was some consolation in the fact that she had admitted to having feelings for me. Just knowing that meant a lot to me. Her attraction to me confirmed that I wasn’t making up things in my head or thinking wishfully.
The fact that a smart, godly, and beautiful young woman like Kanae could see me as someone she might love was itself a blessing, and I had to acknowledge and thank God for this great gift. Kanae had impressed me as a Proverbs 31 woman, a wife or woman of noble character. Her character and faith in God blew me away. Part of putting faith into action in relationships is working to be your best and then believing that it is possible for someone to love you. It’s about believing there is a person out there who could look at you, see beyond all your flaws and shortcomings, and still love you.
My story should encourage you in this. Know that if it is possible for me, it is possible for you. If that is not enough, look around you. The world is full of imperfect, normal people who have found love and companionship. Love is possible for you too. I pray that your soul mate finds you soon, and I pray also that your bonds are stronger than the challenges you will face.
WORKING IT OUT
Six weeks passed without any communication from Kanae. I had to return to Dallas for another engagement, and I was torn about whether I should call her. Tammy had extended a standing invitation for me to stay at her house whenever I was in the area, but I didn’t want to put Kanae in an awkward position. I decided to stay with another friend in town, but I forgot to call him to check if he’d be around. When I called him from the Dallas airport, he was out of town.
My caregiver and I had been traveling so much neither of us wanted to stay another night in a hotel. I was road weary and feeling down. My mind, body, and soul were weak, and so was my willpower. The thought of seeing Kanae and maybe talking to her a little bit—even if her boyfriend were still in the picture—trumped any thought of staying in a hotel.
I called Tammy to see if we could spend the night. Mark and the kids were home and welcomed us to come by, so we headed their way. And, yes, Kanae was there too.
During the drive from the airport, I had another talk with God.
You know I’m tired, and I am going to Tammy’s instead of a hotel. You know who is there and … I smiled at God’s sense of humor. I suspected God was smiling too.
I should have been more apprehensive and guarded, but I was so exhausted and disoriented from my travels that I had a goofy grin on my face. “This is going to be fun,” I told my friend as we pulled into the driveway.
Mark and Tammy’s kids ran out, greeted us, and grabbed our bags, so we went into the kitchen. Kanae was there and we locked eyes.
“Surprise!” I said, feeling a little sheepish.
She laughed and smiled. If I’d had legs, I’m sure they would have gone weak. As it was, I felt as though I’d walked out of a one-dimensional, black-and-white world into a 3-D Technicolor planet. The chemistry between us was ten times stronger than before, and any remaining doubts were dissipated as soon as Kanae walked up, placed a hand on my shoulder, and said, “After praying all this time, God has put peace in my heart to break up with my boyfriend. I want to be with someone who I can see spending the rest of my life with.”
Yes!
All the disappointments, struggles, failures, fears, and tears in my life became irrelevant and forgotten in that God-given moment of victory. My mind could hardly wrap around the fact that such a special young woman was saying that she would be willing to spend the rest of her life as my wife.
My wife!
Kanae told me that she’d been attracted to me from our first meeting, but beyond that, she’d felt such a strong emotional connection that it scared her. Mature beyond her years, she wanted to act on faith, not emotion, so after we first met, she pulled back and prayed for God’s guidance.
“I prayed for God to tell me what those feelings were, whether they were just a physical chemistry or emotions, or if this really was God’s call for a lasting relationship,” she said. “I didn’t want to rely on my emotions. I didn’t want to step forward only for that reason, so I just kept praying.” In other words, Kanae put her faith into action.
My prayer for you is that someday, when you are ready to receive it, God will put contentment in your heart, either by blessing you with someone who loves you or by allowing you to feel fully blessed without someone. Prepare yourself by staying in faith and being the best person you can be. Give as much love as you can. Put it out there, and God will take care of the rest.
LOVE TESTED
As much as that moment felt like the greates
t romantic movie ever written—or at least the greatest in which I had a starring role—it was not a movie. This was real life, and you know how that can go. Once we committed to each other without reservations, the next step was to introduce ourselves as a couple to our families.
Kanae’s mother and sister gave their blessings right away, and I was very grateful for their love and understanding. When she told her mum, my future mother-in-law actually said, “Glory to God!”
Yoshie had told her mum weeks earlier that there was chemistry between Kanae and me, and their mum said she had been praying and fasting that a relationship would blossom. I won over her grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins by dancing to a mariachi band at a family party and then sharing my faith with them. They weren’t worried about my lack of limbs. A few harbored concerns that I might be a shallow celebrity who lacked substance, but after I shared my testimony and Kanae and I professed our love for each other, those fears went away.
I actually put off telling my parents about this new relationship for a couple of weeks because my dad tends to be wary and likes to interrogate me when it comes to women. My mum and dad quickly came to love Kanae too. She has a level of wisdom rare for such a young lady. Her parents divorced when she was five years old, and Kanae had to take on some adult responsibilities at that early age.
Her maturity became especially apparent when my parents asked Kanae a very difficult question. While my lack of limbs was not the result of an inherited gene—my brother and sister have all their limbs—my parents nonetheless asked how she would feel if one of our children came into the world like me.
My future bride, who had already decided she wanted a large family, replied, “Even if all five of our kids have no arms and no legs, I would love them all. And I know I have it easier than you, because Nick came out of the blue for you, but I would have him as their role model and guide.”
Kanae told my parents that she loved me, and she would love our children too. In the past I had worried that I’d never find a woman whom my parents would approve of because they are so protective of me. But God brought me a young woman who won their respect, their admiration, and their hearts.
Her feelings for me were obviously very sincere, and she expressed them with a depth that fills me with awe, humility, and gratitude. But it’s not just what she says that makes me appreciate and love her so much, she expresses her love for me with actions and deeds each and every day.
I first observed the depth of her caring for me in December 2010. We were only a few months into our relationship when I learned of the cash-flow problems at my business. We were not yet engaged, but marriage was definitely on the table. This was a time when I wanted my potential future bride to see me in the best possible light. Instead, she saw me at my darkest. Maybe, just maybe, there is a worse time in a new relationship to have a total meltdown, but I can’t think of one. There we were, a couple very much in the early stages, and the allegedly strong male went over a cliff and into a valley of despair.
In the previous chapter I gave you all the sorry details of my highly emotional overreaction to a temporary cash-flow problem at Attitude Is Altitude during the economic recession. What I did not tell you is that during the meltdown Kanae proved that her love for me is boundless.
I have never felt the power of unconditional love at such strength. Now that is saying something, because my parents, my brother and my sister, and all my aunts, uncles, and cousins have shown me nothing but unconditional love all my life. Yet they are family. Blood ties are one thing. Kanae’s ties to me were far more tenuous and newly formed. She very easily could have walked away. Instead, she came closer. She put her faith and her love into action in ways that seemed heroic to me.
At a time when I wanted to present myself as a successful provider, I had to admit to my new girlfriend that my business had fallen fifty thousand dollars in debt. In my anxiety I felt like a penniless failure. Why she didn’t run out the door and never look back, I don’t know, but I will be forever grateful that she chose instead to remain by my side, soothing me and encouraging me with her love.
I put a value on my worth as a human being when I felt worthless because of my business debt. Kanae reminded me that love doesn’t look for price tags. She demonstrated in words and actions that her interest was not in measuring what I had to give. Instead, she poured out for me all the caring, nurturing, and sustaining love she possessed.
One of the thoughts that really bothered me about the debt was that I’d been hoping to put some money into savings so I could pull back on my speaking schedule for a year or so. I didn’t want to be traveling all the time during our first year of marriage. Family and friends had been telling me for years that I should slow down, and finally I had a good reason to do just that—my wife-to-be.
When I told Kanae that my for-profit business was profitless and in debt, her response was, “That doesn’t matter to me. I’ll get a nursing job and support the both of us.”
She did not hesitate. She did not flinch. She did not run for the door. She ran her fingers through my hair, comforted me, and let me know she would always be there for me.
It meant so much to me also that I knew Kanae was praying for me every day. Emotional support can be a big blessing, but prayers are even more powerful. To know that she understood my needs and prayed that they would be filled was so comforting. God is the ultimate provider of peace and patience, and Kanae prayed for Him to heal me and give me peace and joy.
I realized that she had become the bridge to all that I can be in Christ. Kanae is the key to my becoming all that I can be as a husband, speaker, evangelist, friend, boss, brother, and son. With her, I don’t have to ask for anything. I don’t have to tell her what I need. She knows. She feels what I feel, and she encourages me, but more important, she stands in the gap with prayer and asks God to give me what she can’t provide, which is His wisdom, His healing, His peace, and His patience. Finally, Kanae gives me her empathy. She is my greatest empathizer. Everything that affects me affects her. She is there for me, and I always want to be there for her when she needs to talk and to vent.
You know you are in a loving relationship when you are willing to give without receiving anything in return, when you put the other person’s needs above your own. I put Kanae above my ministry and my businesses, which means spending time together, watching movies, sitting in front of the fire, and just talking through our lives. I’m increasingly amazed at how many layers there are to a relationship like ours. The more Kanae gives to me, the more I want to be worthy of her love and devotion. She makes me want to be better.
A friend was telling me one day about his new relationship, and he kept saying, “I think she is too good for me. I don’t deserve this woman.” I told him that was a great place for him to be at that point in his relationship. We should be with people who inspire us and motivate us to grow, to be more godly, more caring, more giving, more empathetic. I am already a much more patient man than ever before. Of course the bar was not set real high during my single days when I tended to be self-centered and impatient.
My uncle Batta recently reminded me of a journal I kept years ago, and in it I’d made a list of ten things I wanted in my wife.
“Does Kanae fulfill all the things on the list?” he asked.
I had to go back and check it. Then I called him and said, “As a matter of fact, yes! Every one of them!”
It was a funny moment, and beautiful too.
I may be a few years older than Kanae, but she is wise in ways I’ve yet to learn. She has established the foundation for a relationship that is not contaminated by expectations or distractions or subconscious hopes. I believe this is a love that will grow deeper and richer over time. I’ve often said that if you aren’t growing in faith, then you are shrinking in it, and so it is with love. She is truly a child of God. She is royalty, and God has given her to me so that we can love each other and honor Him for His blessings.
Our love is contagious. An
elderly woman saw us together one day, talking and laughing, and she came up to us with tears in her eyes and said, “Now I believe in true love again.” I can’t explain to you the joy I have when I see Kanae smiling or laughing, dancing, singing, and having fun. I can’t wait for the day when we can watch our children do the same.
You are God’s creation and therefore worthy of His love, which makes you worthy of a loving relationship too. I pray that you are as blessed by love as I have been, but remember to do your part and prepare yourself to not only receive it but to give it unselfishly too.
FOUR
A Life of Passion and Purpose
EARLY IN MY LIFE, WHEN MY PARENTS WERE TRYING TO LOOK AHEAD AND figure out what sort of future I might have, my father, the accountant, suggested that I follow him into his profession. “You are good with numbers, and you can always hire other people to be your arms and legs,” my dad said.
Crunching numbers is fun for me. Counting on my fingers and toes is not an option, but thanks to modern technology and my little foot, I can use a calculator and computer easily enough. So in college I went along with the parental plan and majored in financial planning and accounting. The thought of helping people make good monetary decisions, creating wealth for them and mapping out strategic plans for sustenance, appealed to me. I also enjoyed trading in the stock market, where I had both good and bad experiences.
Working as a financial planner seemed like a good way to serve others while supporting myself and, I hoped, my family too. Still, I never felt fully committed to that plan. There was always the sense that God was calling me to follow a different path. I’d begun giving talks about my disabilities to classmates in junior high. They responded to my words. I touched something in them, and God lit the sparks of a passion He’d placed within me.
Over time I spoke more and more about my faith. Evangelism and inspiration became my greatest passions. Speaking about my love of God and the blessings in my life, including my disabilities and the strength they give me, allows me to serve others. It’s given my life a purpose, one that I believe God created for me.