I can’t say that, so instead, I say, “It wasn’t your fault, Kas.”
He draws in a shuddering breath. “You don’t know anything.”
“So, tell me. You can talk to me.”
Pulling from my hold, he lifts his eyes to mine. They’re still glazed with alcohol. “You don’t want to know.”
“If you want to tell me, then I want to know.”
He turns from me, eyes on the wall, and his body sways. “You don’t want to get involved with me. I’m not a good man, Daisy.”
He’s said that to me before.
“Yes, you are,” I argue.
“No, I’m not.” His voice sounds so sure. He turns his head to look at me. “I’m a fucking monster, Daisy. Not like those bastards, but a monster all the same. The things I’ve done…”
The things he’s done?
Something cold and hard settles in my stomach. “What have you done?” My voice wavers.
He holds my stare for a moment longer, and then he looks away, back to the wall. “Nothing. Forget I said anything. I don’t even fucking know why I came here.” He stumbles back a step, his back hitting the wall.
I try not to let his words hurt me.
I try…with no success. They sting like a bitch.
Breathing through the hurt, I focus on him. “Let me help you,” I say softly, taking a step closer.
His eyes turn to mine. I can see fissures of pain in them, and they crack me wide open.
“No one can help me,” he whispers, broken. “I was lost a long time ago.”
Tears start to swim in his dark eyes, and I nearly start bawling.
“Fuck,” he mutters angrily. Then, he tips his head back against the wall, hitting it with a thud. He shuts his eyes and begins breathing in and out deeply.
I see movement from the corner of my eye and turn to see Cece standing in the doorway of her bedroom.
“All okay?” she asks, concerned.
“He’s just drunk,” I answer.
“I’m not drunk. I’m just happy,” Kas mutters.
My eyes flash to him. His are still closed.
I remember saying those very words to him when I was drunk.
“Do you want me to make coffee?” Cece asks.
I shake my head. “I’ll just put him to bed. Let him sleep it off.”
“I don’t wanna go to bed,” Kas mumbles.
“You’re going to bed,” I tell him.
“You need a hand?” Cece asks.
“I think I’ve got it. He can walk.” I nudge his chin with my hand. “Can’t you?”
Sleepy eyes open to half-mast. “Huh?”
“Can you walk?”
“Of course I can,” he slurs, drunkenly sleepy.
I reach over and lock the door. Then, I put my arm around his waist. Gripping ahold of him, I move him off the wall. He starts to walk with me, but he’s leaning a lot of his weight on me.
God, he weighs a lot.
I consider myself to be quite strong for my size, but I’m buckling under his weight.
I keep moving, trying to get him to pick up the pace before I fall over. We pass by Cece.
“See you in the morning,” I tell her. “And sorry about…you know.” I tip my head in Kas’s direction.
“Don’t worry about it. And he came to see you, so all is not lost,” she whispers that last part.
My eyes flash up to Kas, whose eyes are firmly shut, but I’m sure he heard her.
I give Cece an annoyed look.
She just grins at me and then disappears back into her room.
Sighing, I maneuver Kas into my bedroom and then onto my bed, which he hits with a thud and nearly takes me down with him.
Righting myself, I walk over and switch on the bedside lamp. The light illuminates his gorgeous face.
He’s sprawled out on my bed, eyes shut, breathing deeply, with one leg hanging off the edge.
Of all the ways I imagined Kas being in my bed, this was not one of them. Drunk and passed out.
He’s going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning.
I unlace his trainers and pull them off. Then, I stare at his trackpants and T-shirt.
Should I undress him?
Maybe not the pants, but I’ll just take his T-shirt off, so he doesn’t get too hot.
I lean over and grab the hem of his T-shirt to lift it.
His hand whips out and catches my wrist, stopping me. “Don’t.” His low voice is a warning.
I swallow back my surprise, feeling like I was just caught doing something wrong. “I was just trying to make you comfortable.”
“Don’t…want you to…see me,” he mumbles. Then, his tight grip on my wrist loosens, and he rolls over.
He doesn’t want me to see him? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
I retreat back, rubbing at my wrist. Leaving the room, I go to the kitchen and get a glass of water and some aspirin for the morning.
I go back to my bedroom, and he looks fast asleep, his breaths deep and even. I put the water and pills on the nightstand, and then I pull the duvet over him, covering him.
Staring down at him, emotion grips my chest.
I reach over and brush his hair back from his face. “Sleep well,” I whisper. Then, I lean in and press my lips to his forehead.
“You’ve made me feel again, Daisy,” he murmurs, surprising me.
I shift back and stare at his face. His eyes are still closed.
Then, he lets out a shallow breath. “You’ve made me feel…and I fucking hate that.”
Sadness engulfs me at his words.
I move back and watch him for a long moment.
Finally, I switch off the lamp. On quiet feet, I move through my room and close the door, leaving him alone.
“You’ve made me feel.”
His words haunt me all the way back to the living room.
I grab the blanket off the back of the armchair and turn off the light.
I could sleep in Jesse’s unused room, but I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight. So, I lie down on the sofa, cover myself with the blanket, and stare up at the darkened ceiling.
Twenty-Nine
My eyes blink open. The room is at the point where light is just entering dark, casting an eerie glow.
And I’m not alone.
I push myself up to a seated position.
Kas is in the armchair. He’s leaning forward, his forearms resting on his thighs, his hands clasped together, his eyes watching me. I see that his shoes are on his feet, like he’s not staying.
My heart sinks.
“How are you…feeling?” I ask tentatively. My throat is dry, my voice croaky from sleep—or lack of.
When our eyes meet, I see a heavy mixture of pain and regret in his. Those feelings clamp down on my heart, like a vise.
He exhales a tired-sounding breath and looks away from me.
“Haley was my girlfriend,” he says in a quiet voice. “We were together for two years, ever since we were both fifteen. She was my childhood sweetheart, so to speak. She was pretty and sweet and smart and kind. She was just good, Daisy. And I loved her for all those reasons.
“We went to the same high school. We’d just finished our A Levels, and we were going to be heading off to university. We’d both gotten places at Birmingham. We had it all planned. We’d go to university, graduate, get jobs, and then move in together. It was supposed to be the start of our lives. It turned out to be the end of our lives…well, the end of hers.”
I slowly slide my legs off the sofa and put my feet on the floor, so I’m sitting upright. Kas doesn’t even seem to notice I’ve moved. Right now, he’s in a whole other place, and it’s not here with me.
It’s somewhere bad and haunting.
“It was a Saturday night. Our school was hosting a prom at the Marriott Hotel in central London. Haley was so excited to go. She had spent the entire day getting ready. She’d gone to the beauty salon to have her nails, hair, and m
akeup done.”
His eyes drift across the room, like he’s seeing something else, someone else in another time and place. A soft expression enters his eyes. “She looked beautiful.”
A sad smile touches his lips and quickly clears. “At prom, Haley wasn’t drinking anything, but I had some whiskey with my friends in the restroom. One of them had snuck in a bottle, but I wasn’t drunk, by any means. Prom was coming to a close. We had a limo to take us home, but it was a really great night, and I wasn’t ready for it to be over. So, I suggested to Haley that we take a walk. I thought it’d be romantic, like in the movies.” He lets out a sad-sounding laugh. “So, I told the limo driver to wait. We started walking around the outside of Hyde Park. I suggested we go in. Haley wasn’t sure, but I assured her that we’d be fine.” He lets out a hollow laugh.
“We’d been walking in the park for only about five minutes when I heard footsteps behind us. I hadn’t even known there was anyone else in the park. We hadn’t seen another soul the whole time we were in there. I didn’t think anything was wrong off the bat…until the footsteps got closer and heavier.
“When I glanced back, I saw two guys—older than us, early twenties—and I just knew. I whispered to Haley to walk faster and then to run when we hit the corner. She told me she was afraid. And I told her not to be, that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.”
His eyes lift to mine, and the pain in them is palpable. Looking away, he starts wringing his hands together.
“When we hit that corner, ready to run, we walked straight into another guy…and he had a knife in his hand. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that they’d cornered us.” He blows out a breath. “I just thought they were going to mug us. Take our stuff and go. But that wasn’t just what they were there for.
“They forced us off the main path, deep into the foliage. I tried to fight back. I’d always been tall for my age, but I wasn’t built like I am now. I wasn’t as strong. And they were older, stronger, and armed. All three of them were carrying knives. I didn’t stand a chance against them. They took turns kicking the shit out of me. I remember hearing Haley screaming, begging them to stop, and then her screams became muffled until they were just soft whimpers.”
His brows draw together in pain, and more than anything, I want to go to him, comfort him. But unsure of if he wants me to, I stay in my seat, feeling helpless.
“I was on the ground, beaten up pretty bad. My nose was broken, and my eyebrow was split and bleeding into my eye. I could hear them laughing about it…me. They were talking, but I couldn’t make out what was being said. Then, I was rolled over onto my back. Two of them held me down. One with a knife to my throat, and the other bastard sat down on me, straddling me, as he hovered his knife over my stomach.” He drags a hand over his face, clearing all emotion from it.
I feel sick at the thought of what’s to come.
“The guy with the knife at my throat leaned in and laughed in my face. I can still remember exactly how he smelled…rotten breath that stank of cheap alcohol and cigarette smoke.” He draws in a breath. “He laughed and said, ‘Now, you get to watch while we take turns fucking your pretty girlfriend.’ Then, he grabbed my face”—Kas puts his hands to his face, holding his cheeks, in what seems to be a subconscious movement—“and turned it to the side. Haley was…”
He stops, swallowing back his grief.
The pain I’m feeling for him is indescribable. I’ve never hurt for someone like I’m hurting for him right now.
He exhales a harsh breath. “Haley was on the ground a few feet from me. Something had been tied over her mouth, so she couldn’t scream. And the other guy…he was on top of her…raping her.”
Oh God, no. My eyes briefly close in anguish.
“He was raping her, and I couldn’t do a goddamn thing to help her. She was looking at me with fear and pleading in her eyes, and I…couldn’t watch.” His words catch in his throat. He presses his fist to his mouth before dropping it.
“I shut my eyes, Daisy. I left her there, alone. I shut my fucking eyes, like the coward I was, because I couldn’t bear to see them hurting her.
“A second later, I felt a hot pain in my stomach. The guy sitting on me had stabbed me in the stomach for shutting my eyes. They’d meant it when they said they wanted me to watch. It was just a fucking game to them. We were a game to them. The bastard told me, if I shut my eyes again, then he’d kill me. And he meant it.” His glistening eyes stare at the floor.
“So, I watched while they took turns raping her. I watched them hurt her over and over again.” He swallows hard.
“The leader of the gang knelt on top of me, holding me down. I knew he was in charge, as he’d been the one giving all the orders…and he was the first one of those bastards to rape Haley. He’d made it clear to them that he was going first.
“They were all sick fucks, but he was a special brand of sick, all on his own. He really got off on it. He taunted me, telling me what a good fuck she was. He—” He breaks off at his own words, his breathing heavier, angrier. “He even thanked me for sharing her with him and his boys.” The sound of disbelief that escapes him is filled with agony.
Bile rises in my throat at the thought of what he and Haley went through that night.
I wrap my arms around my stomach, trying to hold myself together.
“Then, he told me that, even though I’d been good to him by letting him have my girl, he couldn’t let me live. He drove his knife into my chest, and then he just kept on stabbing. He was smiling the whole fucking time.
“I must’ve blacked out from the pain because I eventually came to, and when I did, they were gone. Maybe they had thought I was dead, or maybe they just hadn’t cared to check. But Haley…she was dead. They’d stabbed her multiple times in the chest while I was blacked out, and as I found out later, they’d finally strangled her to death.
“She died alone and in pain.”
He’s silent for a long moment before he speaks again, “Not long after I awoke, we were found by a passerby who was out late, walking his dog. Somehow, I survived. Some days, I wish I hadn’t.”
His eyes come to me. His expression is unreadable. “So, now, you know everything.”
He stands abruptly.
I shakily get to my feet. “Kas—”
“Don’t.” He lifts a hand, stopping me from going further, even though I have no clue what to say. “You don’t need to say anything, Daisy. I didn’t tell you to be a bastard or hurt you or have you feel sorry for me. You wanted to know, and now, you do. You know the very worst part of me.”
Then, he walks out of my living room and out of my apartment.
And I let him go.
Thirty
I didn’t go into work today. After what Kas had told me before leaving the way he had, I wasn’t sure he would want me to be there. I thought he would need some time to himself. I’ll make today’s hours up this weekend. I just wanted to give him space away from me, and honestly, I needed some time to process.
Kas’s words have been haunting me all day, conjuring up the images of what he must have lived through that night. What he still lives with every day.
“Somehow, I survived. Some days, I wish I hadn’t.”
Those words have stuck with me and affected me most.
I want him to be happy. I want to be the one to make him happy.
He’s so quietly strong about everything that happened to him. He calls me strong, but he’s the one who is. He’s so brave.
Knowing all this has made me realize just what he truly means to me. It’s put everything into perspective.
I knew I cared about Kas. I just didn’t realize the extent.
I’m falling for him.
Listening to him this morning, finding out what had happened to him…I ached for him. I felt every pain that he felt. And I wanted to kill those bastards with my bare hands for what they had done to him…to her.
The depths of the way it wrecked me wasn’t just empat
hy for another human being. It’s because I’m falling for this beautiful, broken, complex man.
That is why I find myself taking the train to Westcott at six thirty p.m.
I just need to see him. Talk to him.
Exiting the train at my stop, I walk the twenty minutes to the Matis Estate.
And then I’m standing outside the gates before I know it.
I key in the code on the keypad, and as soon as the gates part, I slip between them and walk up the long driveway to the house.
When I reach the house, I see that Kas’s car is parked out front, so I know for sure that he’s home. I don’t know what I was planning to do if he wasn’t. Probably wait here until he showed up.
I walk up to the front door and knock. Then, I wait.
It’s not long before I hear his footsteps approaching, and the door swings open.
“Daisy.” He doesn’t look surprised to see me.
As far as I know, they don’t have cameras on the Matis Estate, so he couldn’t have seen me coming.
Weird.
“Hi.” I smile tentatively.
He’s dressed in black lounge pants and a white T-shirt. His feet are bare.
He looks beautiful. Tired but beautiful.
My beautiful, broken man.
He stands aside to let me in and closes the door once I’m inside.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he asks softly.
“Coffee would be great.”
Kas heads off to the kitchen. I take my shoes off and hang my coat up before following after him.
When I get there, he’s making our coffees. I lean my hip against the center island, watching him move around the kitchen.
He walks toward me with a cup in each hand and hands one to me.
“Thanks.” I smile.
“Do you want to sit in the lounge?” he asks.
“Sure.”
I follow him through to the lounge in silence.
There’s a clear discomfort between us, for obvious reasons. I just hope that I can clear that away and put us back on a good path. Hopefully, together.
Kas sits down on the two-seater at the far side of the room. He places himself in the center of the sofa.
I get the distinct impression that he doesn’t want me sitting next to him. So, I take a seat on the sofa opposite him.