“But still, you’ve gotten to see him again. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
“Yes. But I also wanted him to return home. It would mean so much to Ma. And to Oma, too. She is sick and old. I know it would make her happy to see Eli before she goes home to the Lord.”
In truth, Leah felt pretty down herself. She didn’t know what Ethan was thinking or what was going to happen now that he had accomplished his goal of reuniting with Eli. “Have you ever felt like Eli did? I know your father didn’t want you to take a fling. I know he wasn’t thrilled about your seeing me.”
“I have had many arguments with Pa, but taking a fling is my right. Seeing you is my pleasure.”
“And you don’t see how this is a double standard? That you’re going against Amish convention?”
Ethan turned, took Leah by the shoulders and pulled her close to him. “I do not know how it will all turn out, Leah. I only know I love you.”
She threw her arms around him and buried her face in the hollow of his neck, where his pulse throbbed and sent her pulse soaring. “What’s going to happen to us, Ethan? What are we going to do?”
He did not answer.
After supper, while Eli bathed the boys, Leah helped Camille wash the dishes. The kitchen was small and painted bright yellow. Jason’s and Timmy’s drawings hung on the refrigerator, attached with colorful letter magnets. Someone had spelled out cow, cat, dog. “Jason?” Leah asked.
“Timmy, actually,” Camille said. “He’s only two, but can already pick certain words off the pages of books. He’s going to be smart like his father.”
“Where did you meet Eli?” Leah asked.
“College. We both have education degrees. I’ll go to work once the boys are in school so that Eli can return for graduate work.”
“Sounds like you have everything planned out.”
“I like having a plan.” Camille put a pot into the suds. “How about you? What are your plans?”
“I don’t have any.” Leah told Camille about Neil. “I think I should hang around until I see how it’s going to work out.”
“Are you thinking that you might have a life with Ethan?”
Camille’s question was unexpected and made Leah stammer. “I—I don’t know.”
“Well, take it from me, Leah, living with an Amish man is not easy.”
“You do it.”
“And it has been difficult. Eli has such guilt about not seeing his family. Despite his feelings about his Amish upbringing, he is not free of it. He tries to be English, but he can’t quite let go of his Amishness. He is caught between the two societies, and I tell you, on some days it has threatened his sanity.”
“This afternoon he talked as if he hated everything Amish.”
Camille wiped her brow, leaving a trail of suds near her hairline. “What he hates is not being able to get rid of it. If it were a tumor, he could go to a surgeon and have it cut away. But it’s imbedded in him, even now, after all these years of being away. It would be the same for Ethan. No matter how much he loves you, he will always be bound to his culture.”
Leah felt her cheeks growing warm. Until now, no one had ever paired her and Ethan in a permanent way. Even she had hesitated to project a future for them. “Do you hate the Amish?” Leah asked.
“I grew up in Ohio, near an Amish settlement. I am Mennonite—a people sometimes not regarded highly by Amish because we rejected many of the old ways decades ago. I have seen firsthand how conflicted the Amish children are when they attend English schools. Our sons and I have suffered with Eli as he has tried to find his way between the Amish and English worlds.” Camille paused, staring gloomily out the window over the sink into the blackness of night. “Still, I do believe it’s not good for Eli to totally reject his family. I have suggested many times that he make peace with his father and go back for a visit. Perhaps seeing Ethan again will help him decide to do it.”
“I know it would mean a lot to Ethan.”
“Well, if you love Ethan, Leah, be careful. Don’t think you can make him forget his past. Don’t think your love can make up for all that he holds dear in his heart. If you do, you will only find your own heart broken.”
Leah slowly dried the glass bowl she held, not daring to respond to Camille’s comments. Ever since she’d first met Ethan, she’d been attracted to him—and to the sense of family he brought with him. The Longacres were close-knit and involved with one another, not estranged and cut off as she’d often felt in her own family. That is, at least until Neil had become a part of her and her mother’s lives and offered a stability Leah hadn’t known before.
Over the summer, Leah had lived among the Amish, but she knew she’d not been fully accepted by them. A part of her found their lifestyle attractive, even compelling. Another found the Amish full of contradictions. They were a people of great personal integrity and strong family values.
But poor Ethan! She didn’t want him to end up like Eli: torn and divided, unable to make his peace with either the world of the Amish or that of the English. Neither did she want to feel forever like an outsider herself, as Camille did. Leah found it difficult to think about a future with Ethan, and even more difficult to see her future without him.
NINETEEN
That night Leah slept fitfully. She was glad when the aroma of brewing coffee drifted up from the kitchen. She got up, dressed and went downstairs, where she found Eli and Ethan sitting at the kitchen table.
“Good morning,” Ethan said with a smile. “I have told my brother that we will leave this morning. I must work tomorrow, and you have school.”
“Do you like school?” Eli asked Leah politely.
“It’s all right.”
“Leah scored high on those SATs,” Ethan offered. “She is near the top of her class.”
“Good for you,” Eli declared. “Where are you going to college?”
“No plans yet. I’ve never loved school the way you do.”
“Don’t waste your talent,” Eli said. “I see many students who are smart but unmotivated. They’re headed for dead-end lives. College helps you focus on your future.”
Leah wasn’t in the mood to discuss her future. “I’m thinking about it,” she said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. It gave her something to do with her hands. “I’m sure Ethan’s told you about my stepfather, who is so ill. I’m not sure I should make too many plans.” She didn’t mention her own medical baggage. “Anyway, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do yet.” She sat down at the table. “You know, Eli, you have nice kids. And back in Nappanee, you have some really nice brothers and sisters. That means that Jason and Timmy have some pretty neat aunts and uncles. Because I grew up alone, I think it’s cool to have a big family. I think you and Ethan are both lucky to have that. For what it’s worth.”
Eli wrapped his hands around his coffee mug. “I’ll take your comments under advisement.”
Leah smiled sweetly. “Just as I’ll take yours about college for me.”
Timmy and Jason swooped into the room, clamoring for breakfast, and soon Camille joined them. She prepared a big batch of pancakes, which the group wolfed down, and once the dishes were cleared, Leah and Ethan prepared to depart for home. Soon Ethan and Leah were standing in the driveway and Eli and his family were clustered around them.
Ethan opened the driver’s side door and got in.
“So you have your license,” Eli said. “Does Pa know?”
“No,” Ethan admitted.
Eli shook his head. “He’s still as hard as ever.”
“No, he is not,” Ethan insisted. “Go home and see for yourself. You will be surprised.”
Eli leaned into the window. “I can’t do that, brother. I can’t let him subject my family to his unbending, unyielding attitudes. It would confuse my sons and undo everything I’ve spent these years trying to forget.”
Leah leaned over to look Eli in the eye. She said, “He didn’t put up a fight when Ethan made up his mind to come home with
me in January. It upset him, sure. But he let Ethan go without any yelling or arguing. I think you should know that.”
“That’s hard to believe.”
“It is the truth,” Ethan said.
Leah added, “I always wished I’d had a grandfather, but both of mine were dead by the time I was old enough to know what one was.”
Eli straightened. “I’m glad you came, Ethan. You are a fine man. I have missed you.”
“And I you.”
“Will you write?”
“I will.”
“You are welcome to come again,” Camille offered, hooking her arm through Eli’s. “Both of you.”
Eli nodded. “Yes. Now that we’ve rediscovered one another, please don’t lose touch.” Leah saw moisture in Eli’s eyes and felt sorry for him.
“You are my brother, Eli. Nothing will ever change that. Not ever.”
As the car pulled out of the driveway and onto the highway, Leah watched through her window until Eli and his family vanished from sight.
When they reached home, it was night and rain was falling. The house’s windows were dark. “Wonder why Mom hasn’t turned on any lights,” Leah said. “She knew we were coming home.”
Ethan raised the garage door. Roberta’s car was gone. They went into the house, but the silence told Leah that no one was home. In the kitchen, she found a scribbled note taped to the refrigerator door: Neil took very sick. Ambulance came. I went to hospital to be with him. Come ASAP.
Leah’s heart sank, and nausea gripped her stomach. “Something’s wrong with Neil, Ethan. We have to get to the hospital. Hurry!”
Together they ran out the door into the rain.
Leah found her mother in the emergency room waiting area. “Mom! What happened?”
Roberta grabbed Leah’s arms. Her face looked pinched and white. “I went to take Neil his supper tray. I couldn’t wake him up. I was scared. I called nine-one-one and an ambulance brought him here. He’s unconscious, Leah. They won’t tell me anything.”
“They will when they know something,” Leah said. “You’ll see. Is Dr. Nguyen with him?”
Roberta nodded and looked at Ethan. “I’m glad you’re here too.”
“I will stay for as long as you need me.”
Leah began to tremble. She couldn’t get warm despite the jacket she wore. She kept remembering last summer and the frantic hours of waiting for word on Rebekah.
“I thought he was doing better,” Leah’s mother said, half under her breath. “I really did.”
They waited almost an hour longer before Dr. Nguyen came through the swinging doors of the emergency room’s triage area. Roberta sprang to her feet. “What’s going on?” she cried. “How’s my husband?”
“We’ve finally gotten him stabilized,” the doctor said. “I’ve transferred him up to a room.”
“I have to see him.”
Leah’s mother almost bolted, but the doctor stopped her, saying, “Neil’s condition is extremely critical, Mrs. Dutton. His liver function tests are poor. His liver is failing.”
Leah said, “But without his liver working—” She stopped as the implications slammed into her.
Leah’s mother shook her head. “I won’t accept this. What about that fancy new drug he was taking? He was doing better on it. He was.”
“The drug didn’t have the efficacy we hoped it would.”
Leah wondered why doctors always resorted to using complicated words when they wanted to sidestep an issue. “You mean it didn’t work,” she said.
With a slight nod, Dr. Nguyen acknowledged and accepted Leah’s remark.
Roberta snapped, “We’ll talk more later. Right now, I want to see Neil. Where is he?”
Dr. Nguyen gave them Neil’s room number, and with a swish of her coat, Roberta stalked to the elevator.
Neil lay on a hospital bed hooked to IVs and lead wires attached to monitors. His skin, stretched over his thin frame, was the color of mustard. Even the whites of his eyes were yellow. Yet he managed a wan smile when Leah, her mother and Ethan came into his room.
“I’m not too pretty, am I?” he asked.
Roberta bent and kissed his cheek. “You look good to us. Goodness, you gave me a fright. When I came in and couldn’t wake you …” She didn’t finish the sentence.
Neil held out his hand to Leah. “I’m glad you’re back and can be with your mother.” To Ethan he said, “How’d it go with your brother?”
“It was a good visit. Thank you for all your help.”
Neil nodded, shut his eyes and grimaced with pain. “Sorry,” he said moments later. “They’ve given me enough morphine to stop an elephant, but it still hurts.”
Leah thought she might burst into tears. “Mom only got to talk to Dr. Nguyen for a few minutes. She said the drug you’ve been taking hasn’t worked,”
“I know. It doesn’t look good for me, honey.”
“Stop that kind of talk!” Roberta said with a stamp of her foot. “Your doctor will think of something. I’ll make sure she does.”
Leah saw resignation on Neil’s face. He turned his head toward Ethan. “I need you to watch out for things at the house while I’m laid up.”
“I will be there.”
“If you need anything—if anybody needs anything—you call Harold Prentice, my attorney. You understand?”
“We will,” Leah said.
“Now, you all go on home tonight. I don’t want you hanging around this place.”
“Fat chance!” Roberta dragged a chair over to Neil’s bedside. “I’m spending the night right here with you.”
“You need your rest, Robbie.”
Ignoring Neil’s words, Leah’s mother said, “Leah, I do want you and Ethan to go back to the house. Both of you stick to your regular schedules. School tomorrow for you, young lady.”
Infuriated, Leah shook her head. “I want to stay, too.”
Her mother stood, took Leah by her elbow and dragged her into the hall. “I won’t have Neil thinking we’re on some kind of death watch.”
“But what if—”
“I’ll call you if there’s any change. You can be here in a matter of minutes. Now please, do as I ask.”
Leah felt torn. She knew her mother was right. Neil needed the kind of moral support that came with people going about their normal routines. “All right,” she said reluctantly. “But call me if anything happens.”
Leah and Ethan said goodbye and left the hospital, but once back home, Leah got scared. “What if he dies?” she asked Ethan. “What if I can’t talk to him again?”
Ethan put his arms around her and rested his chin on her bent head. “Do not think such terrible thoughts, Leah. Neil’s in God’s hands, and God will decide what’s best for him. I have an idea,” he added softly. “Why don’t we bundle tonight? Just as we did on New Year’s Eve.”
“Here, in front of the fireplace?”
Ethan lifted her chin with his forefinger. “I would like to hold you tonight, Leah. I would like to be close to you and feel you close to me.”
Without hesitation, she nodded. Some Amish customs made perfect sense, and on this night she wanted to be in Ethan’s arms more than anything. “Hold me, Ethan,” she whispered. “I’m so cold. Please, hold me.”
TWENTY
As the days dragged by, the three of them fell into a routine. Leah’s mother spent nights at the hospital on a cot in Neil’s room, remaining through the day until Leah got out of school. Then Leah relieved her mother, who went home to rest, freshen up and deal with phone calls and mail. In the evenings Ethan drove Roberta back in her car and visited until ten o’clock; then he and Leah drove together to the house in Leah’s car.
Leah could hardly concentrate on her classes, but fortunately her teachers cut her a lot of slack. Sherry sent her cheerful notes at school and mailed a card to the house. Leah began to appreciate what a good friend Sherry was and swore she’d be more available to do things with Sherry once Neil had returned home.
However, Dr. Nguyen gave them little hope that Neil would ever go home. “His liver function keeps falling,” the doctor said outside Neil’s room on Thursday.
“Do something!” Roberta demanded.
“We’ve done all we can,” the doctor said, looking upset. “The cancer’s invaded other parts of his body. It’s everywhere now, and we can’t stop its progression.”
Roberta stifled a cry. Tears swam in Leah’s eyes. Ethan gripped Leah’s hand so hard that it throbbed. “I just can’t believe there’s nothing else you can do,” Roberta said.
“I wish there were. Doctors like to heal patients, Mrs. Dutton, not watch them die.”
Leah’s mother looked resigned. “What’s going to happen now?”
“He’ll gradually slip into a coma,” Dr. Nguyen said, “which may last a day or a week. But eventually he’ll simply stop breathing. I’m sorry. So very, very sorry. He put up a good fight.”
“A fight that he can’t win is no fight at all,” Leah’s mother said bitterly.
One afternoon Leah was alone in the room with Neil when she heard him say her name. She dropped the magazine she was reading and leaned over his bed. “Yes? Are you in pain? Do you want me to call a nurse?”
“No. I want to talk to you.”
“I’m listening.”
“It won’t be long now, Leah.”
“Please, Neil, no—”
“Now, don’t you fall apart on me. I’m not afraid to die, Leah. I know where I’m going from here. But I sure hate leaving you and your mother alone.” He sighed deeply. “I need you to watch out for your mother once I’m gone.”
Leah wanted to say, “Mom’s able to take care of herself,” but didn’t.
“I know you think she’s strong, but she needs you. I love her,” Neil said softly. “And don’t you ever doubt for a minute that she loves you. She may not have always expressed it in ways you understood, but she’s tried to do what was best for the two of you.”
Leah had to admit that she and her mother had gotten along much better since Leah had learned the truth about her real father and grandmother. Hearing about her mother’s early struggles had helped Leah to understand her mother’s proclivity for marrying and divorcing. “You helped make her different,” Leah said. Neil had made both their lives different.