Mark saw a stack of Bibles on a side table and wandered close enough to the table to get one. As he picked it up, he made eye contact with Chaplain Bill, who nodded his consent with a small tilt of his head. Mark left with a plain black vinyl copy of the Holy Bible, the most precious book he would ever own.
It seemed as if it were just yesterday, yet here he was, on the outside looking back. Neither the years, nor the book in his pocket, could erase the painful memories of his past. Now it was time to face them.
Chapter 5
Jessi breathed in deeply. The scent of blooming lilacs reminded her to get out her cutting shears and cut enough for every room in the house. Lilacs were one of her favorite early summer flowers now that she lived in Wisconsin. She didn’t know if she would ever get used to the change of seasons that Wisconsin’s climate provided. She had made the move north three and half years ago. She’d needed to make some changes in her life, so she decided a change of scenery was in order. The only thing she had to overcome was leaving Ethan’s grave and leaving Aunt Merry. She finally decided to move, promising herself she would come back every year to visit his grave. She said her good-byes to Ethan on the third anniversary of his accident and moved north to a small community in southern Wisconsin where she taught second grade in the local elementary school. Each June when school got out for summer, she returned for her yearly visit. She called it her pilgrimage to her past. She had never fully recovered from his death, and if it hadn’t been for little Olivia being born eight months after the accident, Jessi probably would have died right along with him. Getting pregnant right after Mark got out of rehab hadn’t been the plan, but it saved Jessi’s life. Olivia changed everything for Jessi. She gave her a reason to live. At five years old, almost six if you asked Olivia, she was the light of her mother’s life.
Olivia knew that she’d had a big brother and that he had died and gone to heaven. Jessi had explained it to her when Olivia was old enough to question her mother about their annual trips. After that, the only time they talked about Ethan was when they were traveling to Oklahoma for their visit, which they were about to embark on. On their journey Jessi would tell Olivia all about the escapades that were a trademark for Ethan—riding his bike with no hands and jumping off the high dive when he was only three years old. He’d almost given her a heart attack.
Talking to Olivia was one way to keep all the memories alive. As the memories found their way to the forefront of her mind, so too did the pain and guilt. She had never forgiven herself for allowing such pain to come to her son. She doubted she ever would.
A week after school let out, Jessi and Olivia headed south on I-90. The trip would take them two full days of driving. To break things up a bit, they stopped at a hotel in Missouri. Jessi watched as her daughter immediately took off her shoes and climbed up on the hotel bed. “Olivia Jean, you be careful jumping on that bed.”
Even jumping on the bed, something kids did every day, scared Jessi. What if she fell off the bed? What if she hit her head, were all thoughts that passed through her head. Every time she would come close to the edge, Jessi would cringe. Knowing that Olivia had to stretch out those growing legs, she managed to conceal her fear for a little while.
Jessi pulled her swimsuit out of her overnight bag. “I’m going to the pool.” She knew that would put an end to the bed bouncing.
Olivia bounced down on her seat and leaped off the bed. “Me too, Mommy. Wait for me.”
Jessi watched her daughter dig through her backpack and pull out her hot pink swimsuit with Dora the Explorer on it. She quickly put it on and waited by the door as Jessi changed. They smiled at each other and walked hand in hand to the swimming pool. After a full evening of swimming, they feasted on cheese pizza and watched television curled up in their pj’s. It wasn’t too long before Olivia fell sound asleep on the pillow next to Jessi. Jessi flipped through the TV channels once more before turning it off for the night. She watched her daughter’s breathing, slowed by sleep. She couldn’t help but push a dark tendril of hair back off her cheek. She was a beautiful child. She tried not to think of Mark when she looked at Olivia, but it was hard. She looked just like her father. While Ethan had looked more like Jessi, there was no mistaking whom this child came from with her dark blue eyes and that dark hair. What a striking combination. She was sure to break more than her fair share of hearts when she was older. Jessi smiled as she pictured her daughter’s future, boys calling and hanging around the house. She could just see it now. Naturally, her mind drifted from one child to the other. Ethan was still very much alive in her heart and mind. If he truly were alive he would be eleven years old; her baby, almost a teenager. She still missed him so much. What would he look like? Would he wear his blond hair long or short? Would she constantly be on him to pull up his pants like she wanted to tell the kids she saw around town? She stifled a sob as she faced the fact that she would never know those things. On this trip she let the tears flow freely. She cried herself to sleep remembering the boy that was so engrained in her memory. The boy she still loved with all her heart.
Chapter 6
Mark walked away from the prison with the clothes he had on, a small backpack, and the limp that would be a constant reminder of his failure for the rest of his life. His first goal was to find a job. He had a few leads from Chaplain Bill and had interviews set up for every day this week. The prison lined up a small furnished apartment for him. He would get his act together and then he would find Jessi. He knew she would never forgive him, but at least he could apologize and accept responsibility for what he had done. He realized now, after many hours of counseling, that he had pushed all the blame and all his guilt onto his wife. It wasn’t right that she was still walking around with the weight of his actions on her shoulders. He had to make it right.
He shielded his eyes from the sun as he heard Chaplain Bill’s car before he could see it. Everyone within a mile or two could hear Chaplain Bill’s car. He threw his pack into the backseat and jumped into the front seat. “You were right about the car. I didn’t need to know the make, model, or color. The sound completely gave it away.”
Chaplain Bill threw his head back and laughed. “I told you so. I couldn’t sneak up on a deaf person. They would be able to feel the vibration!”
After some polite chitchat, they rode in silence. Mark had given Bill, as he now insisted on being called, the address before he was released from prison, so Bill knew right where he was going. Bill realized that being released from prison was not the comforting experience that most prisoners expected. Most were unsure of themselves and the ever-changing world that they were now thrust into. He tried to ease into conversation with Mark on familiar comforting terms.
“Do you remember what happened after you took the Bible from the table?” Bill asked Mark.
Although Mark remained silent for a while, he did. He remembered reading for so long by the lights outside his cell that he was dropping over tired the next day. Every chance he had, he read. It took a couple of months to work up the courage to go back to chapel. When he did, it was his turn to weep. This time he hadn’t been self-conscious of the act. He had felt utter relief. The peace that had accompanied his act of obedience to his Maker was indescribable. It had been too long since he had felt unconditionally loved by anyone. So much love filled his soul that he felt as if he would burst with the fullness of it. Never in his life had he felt such joy.
“Yeah, I remember. I can hardly believe it’s been over five years. I don’t think I ever cried so much as the night I finally surrendered my life to the Lord. The monotony of being in prison and following the same routine every day seemed to go on forever. The day Jesus entered my life will forever remain the most important day of my life and the closest to my heart. The desire to learn and grow in God hasn’t diminished for me. I pray that it never will. I think our prayer times and personal studies helped me mature in a world where hope is a much sought-after emotion. Not too many men have hope when they are in prison.
Even the idea of being released doesn’t give them a reason to hope. Most have nothing on the other side to return to. A life of crime, maybe. A life of petty theft, robbery, abusive relationships, and all the other possible immoral acts sure don’t give one the feeling of anticipation. I’m not sure what I have to return to, either. I have to see Jessi, just once, to convince her that I have changed. I know she’ll never give me another chance, but I want her to see the difference that God has made in my life. I need to take full responsibility for the state my marriage was in and the death of our child. I just have to trust that God knows what he is doing. For all I know, I’ll end up with a broken and bloody nose for knocking on her door. I’d deserve it too.” Mark realized he’d been carrying on a one-way conversation for some time. “I’m rambling again, aren’t I? Sorry, I seem to be thinking out loud lately, and it’s usually about the same thing.”
Bill made a right turn and scanned the row of apartments for the right address. As he pulled over and parked at the curb, he looked at Mark and felt true compassion for a man who had no idea what life was about to bring him. He was in a state of complete unknowing. For a man, any man, this was a very difficult place to be. “Mark, every day is a gift. Learn to treasure what it is God is showing you. Learn to make your days his days. When we follow his perfect will for our lives, we are walking in the direction he wants us to go. Each day, keep your Bible with you. It’s your source of strength. The very words that Jesus spoke have tremendous power in our lives when we let them. When you feel weak, open the Word. When you feel helpless, hopeless, friendless, open the Word, and God will fill every place of emptiness inside of you. Lean on him for everything. If you put your trust in him, his plan for your life will come forth.”
Both men opened their car doors and headed to the apartment. Mark opened the front door. It was small—a furnished galley kitchen and a small living area with a couch, chair, a table and two chairs, and a television. Off the living area was a small bedroom with a twin bed and dresser and a bathroom. He didn’t have much room, but it was just him, and he really didn’t need more than he had. It was a start. He now believed in fresh starts.
Bill left with the promise that he would be back to pick him up for church on Sunday morning. Mark walked to his bed, laid down, and stared at the ceiling. “What do you have for me, God? I don’t know this world anymore. I’m not sure that I want to know it again. This is the place where I messed up. I’m scared. What if I mess up again? Help me, Lord.”
Mark fell asleep talking with his Father and his Friend.
Chapter 7
It was early June. Aunt Merry had looked forward to this month for the past three years. Jessi would be coming soon with little Olivia, although little Olivia wasn’t so little anymore. She would be six come September and was growing like a weed. This was the visit that Olivia would give her heart to Jesus. She just knew it. The child was almost ready her last visit. But Merry didn’t want to push her. She needed to be ready to make the most important decision of her life. If ever she’d seen a child with a Christ-like disposition, it was this one. She was gentle, compassionate, meek, and kind. Her spirit was always mindful of others and their needs, even at five years of age. It amazed Merry how God had had his hand upon this child from the day she was conceived. Often, beauty comes from tragedy, as was the case with Olivia. She brought an appreciation for life to every situation she was in, and many times it was very contagious. Oh, she had to quit dawdling. The women would be coming in less than an hour, and she still had to finish the dessert and pick up the living room. She’d busied herself in the kitchen first. Thank heavens she’d made a couple of extra strawberry rhubarb pies for the freezer. She’d planned on spoiling Jessi and Olivia with them, but no one would be the wiser. Once the pies were in the oven, she hurried to the living room and made sure all was ready. She wasn’t one to be vain, but she did take a little bit of pride in her appearance. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness. So she made her way to the bathroom and combed through her hair and applied a little bit of cologne to her wrists. Merry pulled out the pies just as the doorbell rang, indicating the first of the ladies to arrive. She was in an especially festive mood today and could not manage to keep a lid on her excitement, so when she opened the door with an exuberance that went far beyond her normal countenance, her secret was out.
Betsy was the first to arrive and took notice immediately. “When are they expected, dear?” she questioned Merry without a proper greeting, not that Merry noticed.
“Oh, sometime tomorrow afternoon. I’m so excited I can barely sit still. I’m so jittery from a lack of sleep, and all this caffeine I keep drinking doesn’t help much. Once a year just isn’t enough, Betsy. I just miss them so much.”
“I know what you mean. When my David moved to California and took my only grandchildren with him, I barely forgave him. Now I know not to wait for him to come to me; I go out there regularly. Have you considered a visit to Wisconsin? I hear spring, with everything turning green, and the fall’s turning of colors are so very beautiful. I’m surprised you haven’t been to visit yet. You could be there in a jiffy if you flew.”
“You know, I really should consider it. I was kind of waiting for an invitation from Jessi, but I don’t think one is in the making. I doubt if she’s thought of it, to be honest. Between her duties as a teacher, being a single parent, and her mind still dwelling on the past, I’m surprised she remembers to breathe. Until the day she accepts Christ, I doubt that girl will ever get a moment’s rest. She puts on a pretty good act; I’ll give her that. But I can see through that act in a heartbeat. She can’t fool me. It’s been five years since the boy’s death, and she is nowhere near done grieving. It’s just not right.” The doorbell kept Merry from continuing.
Caroline was at the door, with Mabel and Judy just behind her. Merry, somewhat settled from her conversation with Betsy, let them in. She greeted each one with a peck on the cheek. “Good afternoon, tea and pie are ready in the kitchen. Betsy, would you pour the tea, dear? I see Georgina just pulling up. I’ll wait here for her.”
Merry and an out-of-breath Georgina entered the kitchen. Everyone looked at Georgina with apt attention, knowing full well that she had news. She only came to meeting in this fashion when she had something good to report on one of their prayer subjects. Didn’t matter much who it was; if the group was praying for the person and they found their Savior, Georgina was bound to find out. Everyone stopped chewing their pie, stopped drinking their tea, and stopped their individual conversations almost immediately. Georgina had the floor.
“You might want to sit down for this one, Merry.” She waited until Merry found her stool before continuing on. “Mark, you know, Jessi’s Mark, has been released from prison. He found Jesus in prison. It’s real. He came to church this past Sunday with Bill, the chaplain from the prison, and I saw him myself. Talked with him too. He’s a changed man. There’s nothing about him that’s the same except his looks. God is answering our prayers regarding your family, Merry. It’s just taking a while for us to see it is all. Little Olivia will find Jesus while she’s here, you watch. And I believe Jessi is going to find him in a most powerful way. That girl has a world of hurts that need to be healed. The only one that I know that can heal those kinds of hurts is Jesus. She’s gonna find him. I just know it.”
Merry wiped her eyes with a tissue. She knew she should be joyful over Mark’s finding Christ, but she couldn’t help but feel let down. It was Jessi that her heart yearned for, cried out for, and whom she paced the floor in prayer over. Lord, why couldn’t it have been Jessi? She stood and went into the living room. Everyone abandoned their pie and tea and followed. What followed was a powerful prayer meeting on behalf of the “daughter” who occupied a large part of Merry’s heart.
Chapter 8
Jessi crossed the Missouri border into Oklahoma just before lunch the next day. She and Olivia took their time heading out on the road. They started their day with breakfast at the hotel, a
nd then they went for another swim before getting ready to continue on their trip. If Jessi knew her daughter as well as she thought she did, Olivia would be sleeping right after lunch, especially with all the swim time this morning.
Upon seeing the first Sonic, Jessi exited the highway and stopped for a late lunch. This too was their special treat. There were very few Sonics in Wisconsin. Therefore, there were no cherry limeades. This could be a mortal sin on the part of Wisconsin, according to Olivia. Sure enough, after eating the last bite of her cheeseburger, Olivia couldn’t help but yawn. This triggered a yawn in Jessi. “Hey, quit that, young lady. I can’t go to sleep like some people I know. I have to drive the rest of the way to Aunt Merry’s house.”
Olivia giggled at the prospect of her mommy curled up in the backseat of the car, sleeping. “Oh, Mommy, you’re being silly. Only little girls can sleep in backseats. Mommies have to sleep in beds. Their legs won’t fit in backseats. You’d be all scrunched up!”
Jessi had to agree with the child’s logic. She wouldn’t be able to walk straight if she fell asleep in the positions she saw Olivia sleep in. Aunt Merry’s guest bed would be a welcome sight tonight, after a long two days of travel. It was also the one time of the year when Olivia wasn’t entirely her responsibility. Aunt Merry gladly took Olivia with her shopping, playing at the park, and to church. Anywhere Aunt Merry went, you were sure to see little Olivia as well. This gave Jessi a much-needed break in the day-to-day care of her child. Even though Olivia was a very well-behaved child, she was still able to get into mischief on occasion. The brief reprieve was a welcome benefit of making the journey each year.