Deep concern was written across all their faces. West was loved. And from the way the others spoke of his dad, so was Jude.
The hours passed, and we all waited. Every hour West was back there meant another hour he’d had with his dad. I hoped he said everything he wanted to say. That when his dad took his last breath, West had no regrets.
I watched as Raleigh walked over to talk to Brady. He was polite to her, but I could see he wasn’t thrilled she was here.
Suddenly Aunt Coralee spoke beside me. “We were there with you the day it happened. You probably don’t remember. You weren’t handling it well. Bless your heart, how could you? My heart broke as I watched you pull away from everyone. But you’re with us now, and we love you, Maggie. I want you to know that. I know you don’t want to talk about it, but sitting here, watching this, I want you to know we were there. Jorie was there. We made sure no one got near you or pushed you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”
I did remember them being there. I had been lost in my own grief, but I remembered seeing my aunt’s tear-streaked face as she’d kept guard over me. I hadn’t forgotten that. I hadn’t cared at the time, but looking back I’m glad she’d done it.
I looked over at her and smiled. I wanted to tell her that I knew. That I was thankful they’d been there. But my emotions were too raw today. Knowing what West was going through was enough. I couldn’t also try to speak to her for the first time.
The day rolled away as the night came. The waiting room remained full. Brady had dozed off in his chair and Nash had lain down on several chairs to take a nap.
Raleigh had left, thankfully. I’d breathed a sigh of relief when she’d given up on waiting for West.
It was close to eight in the evening when West walked through the doors. His eyes scanned the waiting room until they found me. I stood up, my stomach in knots. As much as I had prepared myself for this, I wasn’t sure I could be strong.
West held out his hand for me, and I walked over and took it. “He can have more visitors now. I’d like that to be you,” he said close to my ear.
I squeezed his hand. He looked up from me to the others waiting.
“He’s . . . stable. Struggling . . . to breathe. But he’s sleeping,” West said to everyone. “Thank y’all for coming. For being here. Knowing we have people out here who care means a lot. Especially to my mom. So thanks for that.”
West moved his attention back to me. “You ready?”
I nodded.
His fingers threaded with mine, and we walked back through those doors I’d been watching all day.
His dad’s room had large windows so the nurses could watch him from their station. From the hallway I could see his mother’s head resting on the bed beside his dad’s arm. Her hand was locked tightly with his. She was holding on to him, as if she could keep him here that way.
“I think Momma’s asleep. She’s cried a lot today. It’s been draining,” he said as he opened the door and stood back for me to go in. His hand touched my lower back and led me over to the sofa against the wall.
He sat down and put his arm along the back of the sofa. “Come here. Sit with me.”
It was obvious he wanted me close, and I understood. I sat down, and he pulled me closer to him, his arm around my shoulders. I rested my head on his chest and watched his father’s uneven breathing. Each gasp seemed like it was a fight for him.
“I won’t have regrets,” West said, then pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “Thank you for that. For keeping my head on straight. If you hadn’t helped me, I don’t know if I’d have been able to do it today. But I did. I said everything to him I wanted him to know.”
I tilted my head back so I could see his face. Each beautiful angle had become precious to me. I wanted to reach up and touch him. Reassure him. But that wasn’t what we were.
He gazed down at me. There were no more words. My look was a silent reassurance I wasn’t leaving and he had me.
Movement broke the spell, and we both turned to see that Olivia had raised her head and was looking at Jude, panicked. There was obvious relief on her face as she saw his chest rise and fall.
She touched his arm and let out a sigh. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” she said, sounding apologetic.
“You’re exhausted, Momma. Dad would want you to rest,” West told her.
Olivia turned her head to see us on the sofa. A tired smile touched her lips. “Hello, Maggie. I’m glad they’ve let you come back. If Jude were awake, he’d be all smiles and happy to see you with West.”
I remembered the last time I’d see him. He’d been awake and laughing. Life could be so cruel.
“Can I get you anything?” I asked her. I wondered if she’d eaten at all.
She shook her head. “I’m fine, but thank you.”
I watched her as she tucked his covers in around him and fussed over his pillow. West pulled me close to him again, and we sat there silently. Watching Jude breathe. There was nothing to say. In the face of sorrow and loss, no words could ever be adequate.
They Hadn’t Left
CHAPTER 28
WEST
I had sent Maggie home with the Higgenses at ten. She hadn’t wanted to leave me, but she’d needed to sleep. Momma and I would sleep in here. Boone promised to bring Maggie back first thing in the morning. She’d been my rock today. Letting her go hadn’t been easy for me, but I could see the exhaustion in her eyes.
At 4:53 that morning my dad took his last breath. I hadn’t been sleeping. I couldn’t. Momma had, though, and I’d woken her before the nurses could arrive. She had kissed his face and told him over and over that she loved him, then curled into my arms and sobbed.
While I stood there holding her and watching as the nurses began undoing all the machines, I said my own silent good-bye. To the best man I would ever know. He had fought hard, but in the end I knew he couldn’t hold on any longer. I’d promised him I’d take care of Momma, and I wouldn’t let him down.
When it was time for us to leave, I held my mother in my arms, and we walked out that door for the last time. We made our way down the hall toward the waiting room door. I opened it, expecting it to be empty.
It wasn’t. Brady, Nash, Gunner, Asa, and Ryker were all lying around on different chairs or slumped over, asleep in their seats. They hadn’t left. Even though I’d asked them all to go home, these five hadn’t left. We had been a friends and teammates since we were kids, but more than that . . . we were a family.
“I’m going to go call your grandmother. She’d want to know. You go wake the boys and tell them.”
My mother’s mother had never come around much. We’d gone to visit her over the years, but she was a stuffy old rich woman who looked down her nose at the life my mother had chosen. My grandfather had passed away of a heart attack when I was five. I didn’t remember much about him. They were the only grandparents I had met. My dad’s parents had died in a car accident on Old Morphy Bridge in a storm when he was away at college. He’d been an only child just like my mom.
I felt numb. Almost as if it weren’t real. As if I were going to go home, and he’d be there waiting on us. Wanting Momma to make meat loaf and asking me about my day.
It was impossible to comprehend that he was really gone.
First I went to Brady, who was slumped in a chair with his baseball cap pulled down over his face. He moved the minute I nudged his shoulder. Shoving his hat back on his head, he looked up at me. I didn’t have to say anything. He knew.
Standing up, he pulled me in for a hug. “I’m sorry, man. So damn sorry.”
I nodded, and he moved back and helped me wake the others. Each one told me how sorry he was, and that if I needed anything, to call them. They’d do whatever. I thanked them for staying and told them all I’d call when I knew the funeral arrangements.
Brady was the last to follow the others out. He stopped and looked back at me. “Do you want me to wake Maggie and tell her? I can bring her to you if . . . you need me to.”
I shook my head. I needed to get my momma home in bed, and Maggie needed her rest. She’d been with me more than seventeen hours yesterday without sleep. “When she wakes up, tell her to call me.”
Brady frowned. I’d said for her to call me not text me. He was confused. Thankfully, he didn’t question it, just nodded before turning to go.
I let Maggie’s words play over and over again in my head, telling me I was strong. I would get through this. Then I went to find Momma and take her home.
After Momma was asleep, I crawled into bed and crashed. The numbness hadn’t left me yet. Even with coming home and his not being here, it hadn’t fully sunk in. I embraced that for now.
I slept for more than fourteen hours. It was dark outside when I finally opened my eyes. I heard Momma talking to someone and thanking them for the food. Must have been the knock at the front door that woke me.
Getting up, I grabbed a shirt and pulled it on, then headed down the hallway to see how she was doing. I had hoped I would wake up before her. I hadn’t meant to sleep all day.
Momma was walking to the kitchen with a casserole dish in her hands. She turned to look at me, and the dark circles under her eyes worried me. “Miriam Lee brought us some dinner. Sweet of her,” Momma said, forcing a smile.
Miriam was Nash’s mother. She’d always been nice to Momma even if they had never been close friends. Miriam didn’t socialize much with the other women in Lawton either. But from the times I’d been to Nash’s house, I knew she was a nice lady.
“You gonna eat?” I asked her, hoping she’d say yes. I didn’t feel much like eating, but I knew I needed to.
She shrugged then sniffed and wiped at her eyes. “I’m not hungry just yet.”
“When was the last time you ate?”
She shrugged again.
I moved around the bar and put my arm around her shoulders, then forced her toward the table. “Sit. You’re eating. We both are. We need to eat.”
She sat down willingly. I grabbed two plates and dished up some homemade lasagna.
I set the plate in front of her then placed a fork and napkin down beside it before getting us both drinks.
Once I had everything on the table, I sat down at my chair. “He’d want us to eat. I promised him I’d take care of you. Help me keep my promise.”
Momma sniffled again then nodded. I waited until she took a bite of her food before eating mine. We ate in silence. The lasagna was really good, and once I started eating, I realized I was starving. I went and made myself another plate before Momma had even forced down half of hers.
“I’m going to take a bath and go back to bed,” she said quietly. “I have some of those sleeping pills left. I think I’ll take one. I didn’t get much sleep today. I can’t turn my thoughts off. I can’t stop missing him.”
I set my second serving down and walked over to kiss her on the head. “We’re gonna miss him. We’ll always miss him. But we have each other, and we will make it through this.” I could hear Maggie’s encouragement as the words came out of my mouth. Without her the past three weeks, would I have been able to say that? To help my momma deal? I doubted it.
Momma reached up and patted my arm. “Thank you,” she whispered then stood up and headed back down the hallway to her room.
I looked down at my plate, and I wasn’t so hungry anymore.
I Take It Back
CHAPTER 29
MAGGIE
I called West as soon as Brady told me the news this morning. But he hadn’t answered. I’d texted him twice, but he hadn’t replied. I considered walking to his house, which was four miles away, but decided he was probably sleeping. I waited. All day.
It was after nine that evening when my phone finally rang. I was curled up in my window seat, watching and waiting for some sign of him. His name lit up the screen. “Hey,” I said as I pressed the phone to my ear.
“Hey. Sorry I missed your call and texts. I slept all day. Haven’t been up long. Nash’s mother brought lasagna over, so I got Momma to eat something. She’s gone back to bed now.”
“I hoped you were getting sleep. Did you eat too?” “Yeah. It was good lasagna.”
“I’m sorry I left. I should have stayed.” All day I had regretted leaving. I shouldn’t have let him and my aunt and uncle convince me to go home to sleep. He’d lost his dad, and I hadn’t been there for him. But Brady had, and I was glad for that.
“Nothing you could have done. I wanted you to go get your rest. Don’t apologize for doing what I asked you to do.”
“How’s your mom?”
He sighed. “Sad. Missing him.”
“How are you?”
He didn’t respond at first. I almost wished I hadn’t asked that. He’d probably been asked that enough. “I’m in denial, I think. Does that happen? I mean, it’s like I keep expecting him to walk through the door any minute. It doesn’t seem real.”
I knew that feeling. Once I had stopped screaming in a corner, I had gone through a time where I expected my mother to show up at any moment and take me home. Or I’d wake up from the nightmare I was having. “That will fade. When it does, it isn’t easy. Right now you’re coping.” He didn’t say anything at first. We just sat in silence on each end of the phone.
“I’ve slept all day. I won’t be able to sleep tonight. Would you . . . would you sneak out after your aunt and uncle are in bed and go riding with me? I want to get out, but I don’t want to be alone.”
It was five minutes after eleven when I slipped out my window and went down the fire escape ladder. West was waiting at the bottom so I could jump to him. The ladder didn’t go all the way to the ground.
“Let’s go,” he whispered in my ear, then grabbed my hand. We ran down the driveway to his truck.
I had never snuck out in my life. But doing it for West seemed like the appropriate time to do it. I was finding that I would do anything he asked me to.
West opened the passenger door and helped me up inside before closing it and going over to his side. He kept his headlights off until we had backed out and headed away from my house. When he finally turned them on, he glanced over at me. “Thank you.”
The moonlight shone on the emptiness in his eyes, an emptiness I was all too familiar with. That feeling wouldn’t go away any time soon. Even when it began to ease, there would be days when he’d wake up and it would hit him again at full force.
I unbuckled my seat belt and moved over to the middle before fastening it again and sliding my hand over his. I couldn’t do anything to make the pain stop. No one could. But I could sit here and let him know he wasn’t alone.
West flipped his hand over and threaded his fingers through mine. This connection between us meant something more to me than it did to him, but that didn’t matter. At least I got to experience it.
We drove for more than thirty minutes without music or talking. I had no idea where we were going, but as long as I was with West, I didn’t care. I did know we had left Lawton behind. If we kept heading this way, we’d be in Tennessee soon.
“I want to show you something,” West said as he slowed down and turned off the highway. We drove a few miles before he slowed then turned again. This road was unpaved and narrow. It was between tall trees, and spooky at night.
When the trees cleared, we were on a bluff overlooking a small town with only a few lights still on. West opened the truck door and stepped out, then reached for my hand. “Come on,” he said with a smile on his lips. I would have gone anywhere to get him to smile on a day like today.
I took his hand and moved to climb out on his side. West grabbed my waist and picked me up instead of letting me get down on my own. I wasn’t going to complain. His hands lingered a moment longer than necessary, and I couldn’t help but wish we were something more. That West was mine. Because whether he realized it or not, I was his.
I followed him as close to the edge as I was willing to get. I wasn’t afraid of heights, but I wasn’t about to go out on the edge of a bluff.
“That’s Lawton. Looks so small from up here. Peaceful. There’s no pain from up here. No loss.”
I moved my gaze from the town to look at West.
He had his hands tucked into the front pockets of his jeans as he stared down. The moonlight only made him even more beautiful.
“Dad used to bring me here when I was a kid. Told me that I would be the biggest thing to come out of Lawton. That I could do whatever I set my mind to. I loved looking down on my town and realizing I was standing over it, larger than it was. Or so it seemed.” He paused and let out a sad laugh. “But without Dad here, I don’t want that dream anymore. I don’t care about being the biggest thing to come out of Lawton. Truth is, the biggest thing to come out of Lawton will be Brady. I just want to survive, to forget, to remember.”
“You’ll survive and you’ll remember, but you’re never going to forget. One day you’ll be thankful for those memories. Thankful you don’t forget.”
West turned to look at me then. The anguish in his gaze made my throat tighten and my chest ache. “Only you. Only you, Maggie. I can’t