I Can’t Be Your Crutch
CHAPTER 42
WEST
The weekend went fast. Too Fast. I wasn’t home enough to notice Momma wasn’t there. But then I also wasn’t going home, because it was too hard. I slept in Maggie’s room until five then snuck out and went to my house to shower, change, and eat before heading out again. I just couldn’t stay there long.
It was the laughter that haunted me most. The times I’d run in the house, excited about something and Dad and Mom were there to listen to me. Our family dinners always came back to me as I sat at the table and ate all alone.
Monday morning, though, I was focused on Maggie. She’d be going to school today without her safety walls of silence in place. Her aunt was going with her this morning to talk to the principal about Maggie’s decision to speak. Also about Maggie’s preference not to have to see a counselor.
I wanted to pick her up and take her, but I settled for waiting outside the office until Maggie and Coralee walked out. The late bell hadn’t rung yet, but I wasn’t concerned with being late. I was worried about Maggie. She was going to have to face first period without me. Hell, she had to face all her periods without me.
Maggie’s eyes lit up when she saw me standing there, and she immediately came over to me and slipped her hand in mine. “Good morning,” I said, loving that she came to me so easily.
“Good morning,” she replied, then glanced back at her aunt. “I’ll see you after school.”
“Y’all, have a good day,” Coralee called after us as we walked off toward our lockers.
“Didn’t like not taking you to school today,” I said as soon as we were far enough away from Coralee.
“I missed you too,” she replied, a smirk on her sweet lips. “
Wish I were going with you to all your classes.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’ll be okay. Promise.”
I knew she would, but that didn’t change the fact I wanted to be holding her hand. I wanted to be there, making sure everyone was nice to her. That no one was too nice to her and that . . . No. I had to get control of myself. I didn’t want to smother her with my possessiveness. She was learning to live again, and I had to let her breathe.
It wasn’t until after third period that the fact she was talking to other people really hit home for me.
Seeing Vance Young standing at her locker as she looked up at him and talked to him felt like a fucking slice in my gut. I hated that. She was mine. She talked only to me. I didn’t want to share her.
My dad was gone. My mother had left me. And I wouldn’t lose Maggie.
“Back off, Young,” I snarled as I shoved him away from Maggie and slid my arm around her waist, pulling her against me.
“What the fuck, West?” Vance said, glaring at me. “You mad because my sister’s back? Y’all are a bunch of fuckers, you know that? You don’t know shit about what happened. About her.”
This wasn’t about Riley. That was Gunner’s battle, not mine.
“I couldn’t give a shit if Riley’s back in town or not. But don’t get that close to my girl again.”
Vance looked down at Maggie then back at me. “I thought y’all were friends. That’s what Serena said last period. I didn’t know she was yours.”
“She’s mine,” I said, leaving no room for doubt.
Vance shrugged and held up his hands. “Sorry. Thought she was single.”
After he left, I looked down at Maggie. She was standing very still and staring vacantly at the wall across from us. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
She didn’t reply at first, and I was worried she was having some sort of panic attack because she’d started talking to everyone. But finally she turned and looked up at me. “You’re going to have to let people talk to me, West.”
Yeah, I knew that.
“You can’t shove them away and claim that I’m yours. It doesn’t work that way.”
Wait . . . what? “If another guy is hitting on you, then I sure as hell can. He needed to know you were taken.”
She frowned and tilted her head. Dark hair fell over one shoulder. “Will you act this way when every guy talks to me?”
Probably. Yes. I shrugged.
She let out a sigh, and her shoulders fell. “What are we, West? Because I’m not sure. You say I’m yours, but what does that mean?”
Was she kidding? I thought I had made that very clear a few hundred times already.
“You’re it for me, Maggie. I don’t ever want anyone else.”
She gave me a sad smile, then reached up to touch my face. “But if you’re going to be upset every time a guy talks to me, you’ll be miserable. Isn’t it enough for me to be your girlfriend and to trust me? I’d never do anything to hurt you.”
“I do trust you, and you’re so much more than my girlfriend. But I just need to protect you.”
She let out a small laugh. “From the world? Because you can’t.”
She didn’t get it. She was all I had left. She was the only person I loved who hadn’t left me.
“Yes, I can,” I replied, my tone harsher than I’d intended.
Maggie frowned, and I saw disappointment flash in her eyes. I didn’t want that. I’d seen her look at me like that before, and I hated it. I never wanted to let her down. I just needed her to accept I wasn’t sharing. I couldn’t. I needed her.
“West, this . . . thing we have. It’s—” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I was there for you when you needed someone. And maybe I’ve become more of a crutch for you. You get angry if anyone gets near me or speaks to me, and that’s not normal. It’s unhealthy. I’ve never given you a reason to be so possessive. This thing between us can’t work if you hover over me like a madman.”
What the hell did that mean? I just wanted to keep her safe. How was that making me unhealthy? We weren’t messed up. And, yes, I was jealous, but that was normal. It was normal for me to be jealous. I was in love with her. “I can’t lose you. I can’t survive. . . .” I paused. “I need you to make it.”
Maggie let out a heavy sigh as she took a step back from me. I fought the urge to reach out and grab her and pull her close again. The distance terrified me.
“That’s not what a relationship is. You have the strength inside of you to survive. You don’t need me to do that.” She paused and closed her eyes tightly as if she were fighting back tears. I started to reach for her and apologize. Anything to make the sadness on her face go away. But she opened her eyes and stared up at me with a determination that still held unshed tears. “I think it’s best if we take a step back. I wanted to be the shoulder you could lean on and the one you could talk to. I wanted you to have everything I didn’t. But now I see it’s made us something that will never work. I can’t be your crutch. That’s not fair to either of us.” She reached up and wiped away the single tear that had slid down her face, then stepped back from me some more. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. I never meant . . .” She trailed off and covered her mouth as a sob broke free. “I can’t do this, West.”
I heard her words, but my mind was screaming for her to stop. She couldn’t be saying what it sounded like. But before I could say anything, she turned and walked away. Leaving me alone. Again.
Then she turned and ran. She didn’t look back.
I stood, helpless and unable to react. The emptiness that haunted me before was clawing at my chest to get back in and suck the life from me. But more than that . . . I was lost and broken.
The one person I thought I could trust had just let me down.
He Wasn’t Alone. I Was.
CHAPTER 43
MAGGIE
Sitting in my room alone was all I wanted to do. Facing how unhealthy my relationship with West had become wasn’t easy. It was even harder to push him away. Which didn’t say much for me. The fact was, I still wanted him. He wasn’t the only one guilty here. I was too. I’d created this. I had let him become dependent on me.
This wasn’t what I’d intended to happen in the beginning. I had imagined finding a way for me to heal too while I helped him. It was a way for me to find peace. But we had become something more. Something I never imagined. Falling in love with West Ashby had not been part of my plan.
Having to face the truth and let him go was a result of that stupid emotion I’d fallen victim to. Love. But West didn’t love me in return. He needed me only to get through. One day he wouldn’t need me anymore, and that would be it. There would be no foundation there for us except a shared pain from losing a parent.
A swift knock on the door was followed by Brady’s entrance before I could invite even him inside. The frown etched on his forehead told me he knew. West had said something to him. I wished he hadn’t. I didn’t want to talk about it yet.
“Are you okay?” he asked, studying me closely.
I wanted to tell him yes so he would leave, his duties as caring cousin fulfilled. But the words wouldn’t come. I shrugged instead.
Brady nodded as if that made complete sense. “He’s not okay either. Don’t guess you want to tell me about it?”
No, I didn’t. Verbalizing it made it real. Just thinking about it in my head was easier.
“He’s attached to you. I’ve never seen him act about anyone the way he does about you. Honestly, it concerned me. You’ve been through too much to be expected to take on his baggage too. He needs to realize he can survive this without you holding him up.”
That made it sound like I’d abandoned West. I didn’t like thinking about it that way. I’d never do that. “He got furious because another guy talked to me today,” I replied. “It’s not . . . healthy. He looks at me like I am his possession to protect so no one can snatch me away. We’re only in high school. That’s not normal.”
Brady walked over and sat on the edge of my bed. “I agree. It’s not. But West has always had a temper. Even when we were kids. I think a bit of that is coming through now. Not that it makes it okay. It doesn’t. You’re a person. Not his personal belonging.”
“Exactly,” I muttered, feeling guilty for talking about him like this. He wasn’t here to defend himself, and I was telling his best friend things I shouldn’t.
“He wanted to come over. I told him no. That he needs to give you time to work through whatever you’re dealing with,” Brady explained. “You did the right thing.”
But West was alone. He had no one there with him. “He’s all by himself,” I said, feeling the guilt weigh heavily on my already aching heart.
Brady stood up. “I’m headed over there now. I called Nash already, and he should be there any minute. We got him. You take care of you. This past month you’ve made breakthroughs no one thought you could. You’re talking, Maggie. That means you’re healing. Focus on you. I’ll take care of West.”
My eyes stung from unshed tears as I nodded. He was right. West had someone. In fact he had a whole group of friends who would stand with him through anything. He wasn’t alone.
I was.
When I finally fell asleep last night, Brady still hadn’t returned. I was relieved. Knowing he was staying with West had helped me calm down enough to sleep. Today I’d have to face school. I’d have to face West. I’d have to face my choice.
Getting up was harder than going to sleep had been. I wanted to stay hidden away in my room for weeks. Until my chest didn’t hurt anymore. I had known from the start that West Ashby could hurt me if I let him in. I just hadn’t expected it to feel like this. I had imagined him breaking it off with me because he wanted someone else. Or he was bored.
This was so much harder. I had been the one to hurt him. Me. The look on his face wouldn’t stop taunting me. Reminding me of how much it had crushed me to say those words to him.
“Hungry? I made waffles,” Aunt Coralee said as I walked into the kitchen. Eating made me feel nauseous, but she’d made a stack of waffles, and I knew Brady wasn’t here to eat them.
“Brady isn’t here,” I said, hoping she knew that already. I didn’t want to get him in trouble.
She gave me a sad smile and nodded. “I know. I’m about to take these over to West’s. There’s a houseful of boys who need food. I spoke with Brady thirty minutes ago.” She walked over to me, put her arm around my shoulders, and then kissed the top of my head. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.
I nodded simply because I didn’t want to talk about it.
She squeezed me to her. “In life we often have to make decisions that aren’t easy. But it doesn’t mean they aren’t right.”
“But what if they’re wrong?” I asked before I could stop myself.
She let me go and moved to fix me a plate. “Then fate steps in and fixes things. You just have to trust it.”
I didn’t say any more. But her words played over in my head, and I hoped she was right.
You’ll Lose Her If You Don’t
CHAPTER 44
WEST
“Mom’s bringing waffles,” Brady said as he opened the curtains in my room and let the sunlight pour inside. “Get up and get showered. Nash is still asleep on the sofa. I’ll throw some ice on him before I leave. It’s the only way he’ll get up.”
We had stayed up most of the night. The guys had tried to get my mind off things, but it hadn’t worked. They just made it so I hadn’t been alone. If I had, I’d have ended up at Maggie’s window. More than once last night I wondered if that was why Brady had come over with all the guys. To keep me from going to Maggie. I wanted to resent him for it, but he was the only one who could keep me sane right now.
He told me about talking to her and how he really felt like she needed time to herself, to accept how far she’d come. It was all too much for her, and I was scaring her with my intensity on top of it. Thing was, I didn’t know how to be any other way with her. She made me a little crazy.
“You taking Maggie to school?” I asked him, knowing the answer.
He didn’t say anything at first, but finally he gave me one small nod. “I’ll eat at my house. The rest of the guys are up and dressed, waiting on Mom to come feed them. I think they left you hot water.”
“How do I handle today?” I asked him before he could leave the room.
He turned to glance back at me. “You give her space. You realize you can survive without her to lean on, and you make it through.”
He didn’t get it. He’d never been in love. What did he mean by space? Was I just supposed to ignore her? So I asked him, “How do I give her space?”
He shrugged. “You know, just leave her alone. Let her breathe.”
“Ignore her?” I asked. My voice was hard and angry, but I couldn’t help it.
He raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. I guess so.”
I stood up and threw my pillow across the room. “Fuck that! How the hell am I supposed to ignore her, Brady? Huh? I can’t ignore her. I’m in love with her.”
I’d never said that aloud before. Not even to her.
“If that’s so, then you need to find a way to back off. You’ll lose her if you don’t.”
“I’ve already lost her.” The words sliced through me as I said them.
“No, you haven’t. I’ve talked to her. Remember? I know what she’s thinking. All you did was scare her. She believes she’s just your crutch and nothing more. That’s why she’s doing this. I can assure you, she has no idea you love her.”
I should have told her. “If I tell her—”
“She won’t believe you. She’ll think you’re telling her whatever it takes to get her back. You’re going to have to let her go.”
I’d never be able to let her go. But I could pretend that I had if it’s what she needed from me. She’d been there for me when I needed her. It was time I did whatever I had to do to make her happy. If stepping back was it, then I’d do it.
Asa and Gunner both stayed until I left the house, trying to get me to ride with one of them. But I wanted the freedom of having my truck. When I finally pulled out of the drive and headed to school, they followed behind me. It was like they had to be sure I was going to show up for class.
I timed it so I was walking in just as the last bell rang. Now we would all be late to first period. But I hadn’t asked them to wait on me. I just couldn’t handle going to my locker and seeing Maggie. I wouldn’t be able to ignore her, and I didn’t trust I wouldn’t start begging her right there in front of everyone.
“I got Mr. Tremble first period,” Asa said with a grin. “He won’t count me late,” he added as he ran past me.
Gunner came up beside me. “We won’t get counted late either if we hurry.”