The reading list was Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac, A New Model of the Universe by P. D. Ouspensky, Awakening the Buddha Within by Lama Surya Das, The Politics of Ecstasy by Timothy Leary.
Needless to say, I steered clear of the book club.
I never understood why school wasn’t important to them. Education. Not in a real sense anyway. My mom read her books like they held secrets but frowned upon the idea of college and was practically dragged to our high school graduations.
“How can I endorse a public school education when they teach our kids to be mindless sheep of the political agendas and thoughts of the world that had been established through greed and the rape of our earth, our minds and our choices,” she’d say like a true spoken left wing.
Harsh is was it was. We were her kids. And she thought there were things more important, right at that minute, that watching us graduate? Or missing it just to make a point? But didn’t she send us to the public school? If it was that important to her, why didn’t she just home school us?
I mean my dad had to go to college to become a dentist, but mom always hated that fact. She didn’t even finish high school.
They’d met at a party. Some type of save-the-animals rally thing. The only way to get admission was to be wearing some type of faux fur with red paint on it. Then, once everyone was high or drunk and exhausted from dancing and who knows what else, they’d walk the night life streets of Chicago and make a statement.
My parents had told me this story I can’t even count how many times, not even leaving out all the drug parts and unprotected ‘free love’ to which Danny and I would beg them to stop. They talked about how this was the peak of their lives. They were the freest they’d ever been. The most influential. The happiest.
I wanted to say, wouldn’t now, having us and being parents be their happiest?
I’d counter ‘Mom, it’s not the sixties. People don’t refer to it as ‘free love’ anymore. Now it’s called sleeping around. And how do you find these people? Those ideas of living that way are dead, not to mention dangerous.’
She’d counter ‘Being free is always dangerous. And there’s a community of free believers, or hippies as you call them, anywhere where you are willing to put forth an effort to find them.’
I’d roll my eyes, she’d call me a sullen brainwashed teenager and we’d call it even. Good times...
So Danny and Celeste had turned on the stereo in the second room. Andrew Belle was playing and I wondered where in the world had they gotten a c.d. of his from. Surely Phillip’s collection didn’t consist of it. Lillian was in there with them too as Merrick towed me in. They whispered ‘Surprise!’ when I walked in. I laughed at them and looked around at the setting.
Danny had laid out a pallet, a picnic, of cookies with a lit candle in the middle on a saucer and there was a couple gifts on the blanket, wrapped in more magazine paper and Danny’s looked like it was wrapped in toilet paper. Hmm.
The lights were off, so it was only the soft glow of the candle but I could still see their faces. Celeste grabbed me from Merrick’s grasp and hugged me tightly before pulling me down to the pallet beside her.
“Danny told me all about your parents. About how they used to take you on picnics so we thought you might like this. It was all Danny’s idea though.” She looked up at him smiling. “Your brother is so sweet.”
“Come on. You helped,” Danny said settling down beside her and Merrick nestled himself behind me, pulling me against him for support. “Besides, I wasn’t sure if you’d like it or not. I mean, our parents haven’t exactly won any awards for parental guidance or thoughtfulness, especially lately.”
“It’s great, Danny. Thank you,” I said and realized I was still holding the box with Merrick’s heart in it.
I pulled it out and handed it to Merrick over my shoulder.
“Please?”
He smiled and moved my hair over to reach the clasp. After a few seconds he replaced it, trailing his fingers along the chain down my neck and collarbone a little longer than needed, making me shiver. I looked down to see it just as I had pictured it. All three hearts nestled together perfectly.
“It turned out good,” Danny said and I looked at him sharply.
“You knew about this?” I asked, rubbing the charm with my fingers, getting a feel for the newness of it.
“Course I did,” he said proudly, at having known the secret before me. “Merrick asked me if he thought- ow!”
Merrick kicked Danny’s leg and he was glaring at him comically.
“Shut it, Special,” Merrick rumbled. Celeste was covering her mouth trying not to laugh. “I gotta have some secrets,” he said and kicked Danny again, more gently this time, to drive home his threat.
Celeste burst out laughing.
“Hey!” Danny said, pulling her into his lap. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
Celeste just giggled, looking up at him affectionately and then snuggled happily back against him. I realized, I was sitting in between Merrick’s leg and Celeste was sitting on Danny’s lap and Lillian was just sitting there alone and quiet.
“Hey, Lillian.”
“Hey,” she smiled. “Happy Birthday. Here- oh, wait.” She turned to Danny. “You wanna go first? I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s ok. Mine’s lame anyway. Go ahead.”
She handed a little soft bag to me that wasn’t wrapped. It was a little purple mesh pursebag with a short handle. It was very cute and very Lillian.
“Aw. Thanks, Lillian. It’s pretty,” I said and reached out to touch her hand but didn’t leave Merrick’s lap.
“I know you don’t have a lot of use for something like that now but, it’s all I had left from my stuff. I certainly don’t need it anymore. Besides, Michael’s mom gave it to me.”
“Lillian.” I felt punched in the chest. “I can’t take this. This is special to you-”
“No. No, it’s not. Michael’s mom hated me. She especially knew I hated the color purple. Guess what color everything she ever got me was?” she said and laughed.
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
“Thank you. This is perfect for a bath caddy. I always drop shampoo or something on the way to the bathroom. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Me next!” Celeste chimed and squirmed to reach in her pocket.
“Ok.” I closed my eyes and held my hands out in front of her. “Lay it on me.”
I was completely giddy and happy by now. I hated being celebrated but this was nice. It felt so easy going to just sit and be with the people I love and not have silly balloons and false sentiments and songs and nasty cake. Plus, being reminded how much everyone cares about you, even though it’s apocalypse and it’s not like they could go out and buy me anything, really makes me feel awesome.
Celeste put something extremely light and soft in my hand. I opened my eyes and stared at it. It was a bracelet. A crocheted yarn bracelet. It had all the colors but it wasn’t rainbow tacky. It looked good like that and she had woven little designs that looked like circles with lines through it. I gasp.
The Keepers tattoo! She crocheted the Keepers symbol onto the bracelet for me. And something else that brought tears to my eyes. Crochet. She learned how to crochet, from Mrs. Trudy.
“I’ve been working on it for a week, every since Danny brought up that your birthday was coming. I know it’s a lame silly bracelet but...Mrs. Trudy-” She choked back a sob.
Danny squeezed her and then I hugged her to me.
“I know. Mrs. Trudy taught you to do this. I remember. Celeste, this is...” I pulled back to look at it again. “This is so fantastic. Thank you so much.”
“No problem. Here.”
She helped me put it on. It was a little stretchy so I could glide it on and off easily.
“How did you know if it would fit?” I asked.
“Easy. I took my wrist size and split it in half.”
Everyone laughed and I p
ushed her shoulder playfully. I looked at Danny expectantly with raised eyebrows.
“What?” he asked me smiling. “You think I got you something?”
“Give it,” I said and smiled.
“Ok. Alright, but I guarantee you, it’s lame. I’m not that crafty.”
He handed me the two boxes wrapped in magazine paper and the one in toilet paper.
“Three?”
“Three,” he said amused.
I opened toilet paper first. It was a folded picture of us as kids on Halloween, him as the white Power Ranger and me as the tooth fairy. Mom had always told us there was no tooth fairy. Me being the disgruntled ‘brainwashed’ daughter I was, I wanted to prove her wrong. In the picture, we are standing with our arm around the others shoulder and holding our lantern buckets in the other hand. Missing teeth and big smiles.
“Danny, you kept this?” I asked and he nodded.
“It’s been in my wallet this whole time. I found it a few years ago, right after you moved out. Mom was throwing all your stuff out, the stuff you left and this got mixed in with it.” He shrugged. “I snagged it.”
“I can’t believe you had this.” I leaned back to show it to Merrick. “Remember?” I asked him and he smiled.
“Of course.”
“Of course.” I smiled too. “Thanks, Danny. I don’t have not one picture. I never did. Mom wouldn’t let me take any when I left.”
“I know. That’s why I want you to have it.”
I was about to cry so I moved on, clearing my throat.
“Ok, next.”
The other two boxes weren’t significant. Just silly stuff he’d rounded up and fiddled with. Paperclips shaped into a running man and a big slotted wooden spoon. He’d burned the words “Sherry’s Kitchen” on the handle with a wood burning pen from Phillip’s workshop.
“Guys, this is so great. Thank you. I can’t believe ya’ll did all this.”
They murmured the usual “it’s fine”, “we wanted to” and “no problem”.
“Well, I’m going to head to bed,” Lillian said and yawned. “I hate staying up when- well never mind. Good night guys.”
“Wait,” I called after her and scrambled to catch her in the door. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing...ok, fine. I remember. Lie detector.” She shifted on her feet uncomfortably. “I just worry the whole time Cain is gone. So, I usually go to sleep early. I’m not good at waiting anymore. I always think the worst...”
“It’s ok, Lillian. I understand. I didn’t realize things were going so good with you guys. Moving along, you know?”
“Merrick didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
She cleared her throat and glanced at Merrick but he was talking to Danny.
“He caught Cain and I, in this room earlier today.”
“Caught you what?” I whispered and felt my eyes widen.
“Just kissing.”
“Ahh.” I giggled. “No, he didn’t tell me. That’s why he was late to practice,” I realized.
“Yeah. And Cain checks on me when he comes in at night too. I mean, we’re not like, official or anything. I just really, really like him. He...seems to like me. He says he does...gah, I’m so out of practice,” she said all flustered and tucked her hair behind her ears furiously.
“Calm down, Lillian.” I couldn’t help but smile and try to stifle a laugh. “Trust me. Cain doesn’t exactly beat around the bush. He’s pretty blunt. If he’s said something along those lines, you can trust that it’s true. And he‘s not gonna waste his time on something either.”
“If you say so. I’m just trying not to make a huge deal out of it but I’m freaking out a little bit. I just can’t- I just can’t believe how much I feel for him. We barely know each other, ya know? And I’m so scared when he’s gone. I can’t put my finger on it, but it’s really...unnerving.”
“Well, you’ve lost two people recently. I don’t think you have to look far for an explanation.”
“Yeah. Alright, well, happy birthday. Goodnight.”
I hugged her tight.
“Thanks. And don’t worry. He’ll be fine. He knows what he’s doing. Night.”
When I turned back, to go sit back in the lap of my awesome husband and eat cookies with some other really important people to me, I almost forgot all about Lillian and her troubles. I was solely focused on my little family and my haphazardly perfect little life.
Protective Ways
Chapter 31 - Lillian
It’s late. I have no idea what time, but I have a bad feeling that it’s really late. Cain hadn’t come home yet. Well, at least I think he hasn’t. He didn’t check on me. Or maybe he did. He said he wasn’t going to sleep in here anymore. But surely he would have woken me to say hi before heading off right?
I get up and shift out my door, two doors down to Cain’s room. It’s dark and quiet in the hall. I knock easily and open the door. His sleeping bag is empty.
I grope through the house, checking the clock in the living room first, 2:05 a.m. He’s an hour late. I check all the rooms that I could imagine him being in and then the ones I am sure he wouldn’t be in and then I start to panic. I have a horrible feeling. It’s not a coincidence. It’s all coming true. The theory I had about me and the people I get close to.
Cain’s in trouble, because of me.
He laughed at me and told me I was nuts for thinking it and now look.
I run to Merrick and Sherry’s room. Knocking slightly as I push open the door. They are wrapped together pretty good. Her head is on his chest with his arm around her shoulder, her legs and his are intertwined. I hate to disturb them, but I know something’s wrong.
“Merrick,” I whispered but realize that’s not gonna cut it so I shake his foot too. “Merrick.”
He jolts groggily and looks around, his shirtless arms immediately wrapping themselves tighter around Sherry to protect her from whatever may be lurking. Wow, dude is built. Then he sees me and squints just as Sherry starts to stir.
“Lillian? Everything ok? What’s the matter?” he asked in a flurry of slurred hushed words.
“It’s Cain. He’s still not here. He’s an hour late. Something’s wrong,” I explained.
“Um,” he scratched his head as Sherry sat up. He shh’ed her and pulled her back to him to lull her back to sleep, rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “I’m sure he’s fine,” he whispered. “He’s not always punctual. He’s probably out doing something with his boss or something.”
“I feel like something’s wrong, Merrick. He hasn’t been late not once since I’ve been here.”
He sighed and looked at me. Not like he was annoyed but like he was thinking. Which I appreciated.
“Alright. If he’s not here in an hour, come get me and I’ll get a couple of the guys to go with me to look for him, ok? That good?”
“Ok.”
“I’m sure he’s fine. Cain’s just upset about his job and all. He probably didn’t think you’d even notice him being late. But come get me and we’ll go in one hour, ok?”
“Ok. Sorry I bothered you.”
“You didn’t,” he said and smiled lazily, he could barely hold open his eyes. “Don’t worry. Get some sleep.”
I slid back out the door and immediately knew what I had to do. Number one, I couldn’t wait one hour for help when I knew something was wrong now. Number two, I couldn’t put all those people in danger to go look for him when, even though I was sure, what if I was wrong and he was just out with his friends. This I had to do myself.
I ran to my room, pulling off my pajamas and grabbing jeans and a t-shirt and snagging my tennis shoes all in a blur. I ran silently down the hall, through the commons room, to the stairs, still forcing on the last sneaker. I grabbed a flashlight and the a set of keys.
The tag above them was labeled ‘Jeep’ so I unlocked the latch door and knew it would creak but kept going, didn’t stop until I was through the stock room and at the bac
k door of the store.
I was scared. Shaking scared. I could hear my teeth chattering and it took me a few tries to get the deadbolt unlocked with my shaky hands.
I didn’t want to go out into the dark at all let alone by myself but here I was, doing it to by myself and on purpose. I had to get to Cain. My mind ran rampant with all the things that could be wrong. I just knew...
I tried to push all that aside as I eased the door open to peer into the pitch black night. I flipped the switch on the flashlight and looked again. The light beam was shaking along with my hand but I didn’t see anything other than dirt so I shut and locked the door behind me and ran for the Jeep.
It was eerie how quiet it was. The Jeep door shutting sounded like a gunshot it was so loud in the silent dark. I fumbled with the keys and put in into reverse. Stinking stick! I stalled once and then got it into first gear and started on my way, absolutely no idea where I was going or what I’d find, but I had to try.
I knew which way town was so I headed east. It took a while, before I reached anything other than darkness.
I could see it before I reached it. A big blazing ball of fire and smoke. A sane person probably would have slowed down but I sped up, knowing this is where I’d find Cain. Once I stopped the Jeep, in the middle of the road, I jumped out and searched all around the cars. There were two burning and though it was totally trashed and burnt, I could make one of the out as a truck. Cain’s.
“Cain!” I yelled because I didn’t know what else to do.
I continued to look around the blaze, shining my flashlight around but couldn’t see much. The fire was producing a lot of light itself.
“Cain!”
Then I heard a flapping and felt wind on my back. I was knocked to the asphalt by something and felt the keys slide from my grasp. I rolled over quickly, thinking I knew exactly what it was that hit me and as I raised the flashlight, it was the first good look I’d ever gotten at a Marker. I expected nothing less. It looked like pure evil right out of a Hollywood movie.
It’s wing brushed my face as it swooped by. I screamed and scrambled to my feet once it had gone by and was immediately brought down by another object.