Then again, I supposed I could have worse regrets at my age. Most nineteen-year-olds who were throwing up after a night of drinking had walks of shame to make or needed to worry about if they’d slept with someone nasty. Maybe they worried about how they were going to get work done for school the next day. Me, all I needed to worry about was getting cleaned up and making sure I hadn't left a bunch of trash in the living room.
I didn't linger in the shower, but I made sure to wash thoroughly. I was pretty sure I could smell the alcohol still seeping from my pores. I'd be honest with Gavin and Carrie about me drinking their whiskey, but that seemed like the sort of thing to ease into as part of a this is how shitty my week was explanation rather than smelling like a lush.
I wrapped my hair up in a towel as I grabbed the most comfortable clothes I could find. When I stepped out into the living room, I let out a sigh of relief. The pillows were out of place, and the now half-empty bottle of whiskey was the only evidence of my pity party. I took the bottle back to the kitchen but left it on the counter so it wouldn't look like I was trying to hide what I'd done. I was going to be straight forward with them about all of it, though I planned on practicing some tact.
By the time the door opened, I'd drank a bottle and a half of water, and taken enough aspirin to push my headache back. Still, Carrie took one look at me and her smile turned into a frown.
“How was your trip?” I cut her off before she could say anything.
“Good,” Gavin said. “It was nice to get away for a while.”
“You'll have to come out with us sometime,” Carrie said as she took a seat on the couch. She ran her hand over her stomach. “Not that we'll be going much of anywhere anytime soon.”
“Do you need anything?” I asked.
She shook her head and patted the seat next to her. “Why don't you sit down and tell me about your week while Gavin puts everything away.”
“I can help him with that.” I looked over to see Gavin giving me a look that reminded me of my mother. Shit. He knew I was trying to avoid something. So I got the easy one out of the way and hoped he'd accept that for now. “I owe you a bottle of Blanton's.”
His eyebrows shot up. “Really?”
I flushed and looked away. “I drank some of it last night. I didn't go anywhere or anything like that. Just stayed in and drank a bit while I was watching a movie.”
“Mm-hm.”
I looked up to see them exchanging a look I couldn't read. Then Gavin nodded at Carrie and headed toward their room, pulling their suitcases behind them.
“Have a seat, Bryne.”
So much for doing things in my own time. I sat down, twisting my fingers together.
“What did Dax do?”
I gave her a startled look, and she laughed softly.
“I might not have known you for long, but I'm pretty sure it's been long enough for me to know that the only reason you would've been drinking like that was because Dax did something stupid.”
“He didn't,” I protested quickly. Then I sighed and clarified, “Well, he probably did, but I don't know what it was.”
“He won't tell you?”
I shook my head. “It wasn't supposed to be a relationship. Just sex. And I was okay with that, or I thought I was, but then he started coming to see me and spent time with me...” My voice trailed off.
Carrie put her hand over mine. “And you didn't know what to think.”
I nodded, tears burning my eyes. “If he would've just told me the truth...I don't know, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but it might have. Maybe I would've stopped it earlier.”
“So you broke things off.” She made it a statement.
“He was hiding too much, and not just by telling me it wasn't any of my business. He was lying about things. Sometimes he'd act like we were together, but then other times, he shut me out.”
She squeezed my hand. “I knew something was up when Annabeth mentioned she was staying with a friend.”
“You talked to her?” Heat flooded my cheeks as I remembered his mom appearing in the living room, clearly having heard the beginning part of our conversation.
“Earlier this week,” Carrie said. “I let her and her friend stay at the house in the Hamptons, but I didn't know why. I didn't ask.”
“I don't know why, and I did ask,” I muttered, sinking farther into the couch. “I don't get it, Carrie. All he had to do was be honest with me. Even if he told me it wasn't my business, I would've been fine with that.”
“You've heard how Gavin and I met.”
I nodded even though it wasn't a question.
“There were so many lies between us, so much being hidden. I didn't think I'd ever be able to trust him.”
“But you two worked it out,” I said. “You're together, and you trust him now.”
“I do,” she said, love softening her face. “But things had to get bad before he'd let me in, and I think Dax is the same way.” Her dark eyes were sad. “Some men – ones like Dax and Gavin who think they have to carry the weight of the world all by themselves – sometimes they have to see how much they have to lose before they can change.”
She squeezed my hand again and then pushed herself up from the couch. I didn't say anything as she headed down the hallway, but I knew she understood I had to think about what she'd just said.
I knew their relationship wasn't easy or perfect, and that was one of the reasons I admired it. They worked through their shit together because they loved each other and knew it was worth the fight. I knew enough about their pasts to know that they'd had to decide if what they felt was worth everything they had to overcome to be together...and then they'd fought for it. Every. Single. Day.
That was the kind of love I wanted, but I knew it had to come from both sides. If I was the only one invested, it wouldn't work. The guy had to care about me enough to take a risk, to trust, to fight. He had to want to be with me more than he wanted anything else. An equal partnership couldn't exist if one person was more committed than the other, and I didn't want anything less than that.
I deserved to have someone who would give me as much as I gave him.
I just didn't think Dax was that person. He said he wanted me, but he wanted his privacy or freedom or whatever it was more. It's who he was, and I should have known that from the beginning. I couldn't be angry with him for being himself, only angry with myself for believing that he would change, especially since I'd never been in a position to have the right to ask that of him.
Like Carrie had said, some guys had to know what they were going to lose before they could change. That what they could have was better than what they were holding on to. What she hadn't said, however, was that some of those guys saw what they'd lost, and decided it wasn't worth the cost.
That, I was pretty sure, was Dax.
And that meant all I could do was move on.
Chapter Eleven
Dax
I'd known my mom was pissed when she called me an idiot, but I'd never expected to spend the rest of yesterday, and all of today so far, getting the silent treatment. She'd never done that to me before, and I knew that meant she was even more upset than she ever had been. That was saying something considering some of the shit I'd put her through.
It'd always been the two of us, and while I'd never been the most open book, we'd always talked to each other. Or rather, she'd talked and I'd listened. But now she wasn't talking. She acknowledged that I was there but wouldn't respond beyond simple one-word answers. It wasn't like she was being petty, more like she was so disappointed that she couldn't figure out what to say to me.
I didn't blame her. I was disappointed in me too.
I'd been staring at the ceiling for the past three hours, but I still felt like shit. Not that staring at a ceiling was what I needed to do. I knew what I needed to do. What I wanted to do.
What I was too fucking terrified to do.
“Fuck!” I ran my hands through my hair, the slight tug at my
side reminding me both of what I was trying to protect Bryne from, as well as how she'd helped me.
“You had enough yet?”
I looked up to see my mother standing in the doorway of my room. She had her arms crossed and lips pursed, the expression on her face saying “I told you so” more than words ever could.
“Are you done being an idiot?”
I sat up. “I'd like to be.”
She tilted her head. “Liking and doing are two totally different things.”
I blew out a breath of air. “What do you suggest I do?” The question came out more forcefully than I'd meant it to, but I knew she understood.
“Go get her.” Mom's tone made it clear that she thought it was the obvious solution.
“I don't think she wants me to get her.”
Mom shook her head. “You know, I've always thought you were a lot smarter than you gave yourself credit for, but now I'm starting to wonder.” She came into my room and stood in front of me. “If you want this girl, then you need to go fight for her. Whatever it was that made her want to end things, you fix it.”
“I don't know how,” I admitted, covering my face with my hands before scrubbing the stubble I’d been too lazy to shave off.
“You better figure it out,” she said. “Because if you don't, some other guy is going to give her what she needs.”
Jealousy flared white hot in my stomach, and I clenched my jaw. I'd hated seeing her with Todd, even after I found out that he was gay, and what my mom said was true. If I didn't do something, Bryne would eventually find someone to be with. A man who'd appreciate her and love her.
And that was what got me out of bed.
I hated the idea of any man touching her, getting to be inside her...but I hated the idea of her falling in love with someone more.
I wanted her to be in love with me.
Because I was in love with her.
“I have to go.”
I could hear her laughing as I hurried out the apartment. I cursed under my breath when I stepped outside and immediately started looking for a cab. The wind was icy, and I didn't want to walk to the subway, but I wasn't going to wait until tomorrow. I'd waited too long already. I should've gone after her the moment she left.
Hell, I should've stopped her from leaving at all.
Or if I'd been a decent guy to begin with, she wouldn't have needed to come over in the first place, because I would've treated her right from moment one.
I knew that I didn't deserve a second chance, not after everything I put her through, but as I climbed into the back seat of the cab, I knew I'd never forgive myself if I didn't at least try.
My thoughts were still chaotic when the cab stopped in front of Gavin and Carrie's building. I handed over a couple bills and then headed toward the doorman. I needed to convince him to let me up without being buzzed in because there was no way Bryne was going to let me up. But I had to get to the door. If she was going to turn me away, I needed it to be to my face.
Fortunately for me, he remembered me from the other night – before I'd fucked everything up – and when I told him I wanted to surprise her, he believed me. I hoped the fact that she hadn't told him to keep me out meant she'd be open to seeing me, but I had a bad feeling that she just hadn't thought of it.
I hurried up, hoping the doorman wouldn't decide he suddenly needed to check to make sure it was okay. I had a feeling I’d have a hard enough time getting in, because as I stepped into the hallway, I remembered that Gavin and Carrie were supposed to be arriving home this afternoon.
I knocked on the door and then braced myself as it opened.
Shit.
I'd forgotten how big Gavin was. And I knew he wasn't one of those big men who didn't know how to use his size. I had no doubt he could beat the shit out of me without much trouble, and the glare he gave me said that he was seriously considering it.
“What do you want?” He folded his arms in a gesture eerily similar to the one his niece had done the day before.
“I need to see her.” I wasn't going to pretend I was there for anything other than what it was.
“Like hell you do.” Gavin glowered down at me. “Do you have any idea what you've done to her? You're lucky I don't fire you, then beat you black and blue before tossing you out on your ass.”
Part of me wanted to lash out, get defensive, but I knew he was right. And a part of me even wanted to tell him to do it because I deserved it after the way I'd treated his niece.
“Please, I just want to talk to her.”
“Leave.” Gavin took a step toward me, but I held my ground. “Get the hell out of my building before I call the cops...or I lose my temper. Even odds on which happens first.”
“I fucked up.” I could hear the desperation in my voice and knew that Gavin could hear it too. That was okay. I wasn't going to let my pride get in the way. “But I can't lose her. I've fallen in love with her.”
He raised his eyebrow, clearly not believing me.
“Look, I know how much you love your wife.” I was treading on dangerous ground here, but I kept going. “But haven't you ever done something really stupid anyway? I mean like monumentally, unforgivably stupid?”
I thought I saw some sympathy on his face, but he didn't move.
“Am I going to just get more bullshit?”
I tensed as I heard Bryne's voice from behind Gavin. “No. No more bullshit.”
“Your call, Bryne.” Gavin didn't take his eyes off me.
“Let him in.”
Gavin stepped aside and my eyes locked on Bryne. I didn't even look at Gavin as I walked inside. I only cared about getting to her, making things right. She had dark smudges under her eyes, and her hair was pulled back in a messy braid. She was wearing yoga pants and a baggy sweatshirt, but I could picture every luscious curve beneath.
“You need me to throw him out, just say the word.” Gavin glared at me one more time.
“Thanks.” Bryne jerked her head at me as she turned around and started to walk away.
I followed, my heart skipping a beat when I realized where we were going. Memories hit me as we stepped into her room, sending my blood rushing south, but I forced them back. I wasn't here for that.
“You stay there.” She sat on the edge of her bed. “Start talking.”
I opened my mouth, and she held up her hand.
“Start with the non-bullshit. You want to prove what you said to my uncle, do it by telling me the truth.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay. I really did spend last week working at the club and staying at home, trying to figure out what I was going to do. That part wasn't a lie.” I looked at her, but she was staring at the wall. “Maybe that isn't the right place to start.”
I ran my hand through my hair and started to pace. I had to tell it all, no matter what it meant.
“The guy who owns the shop I work at uses it as a front for some illegal shit.” I kept walking, focusing on the words rather than trying to figure out what she was thinking. “Most of the guys are in on it, but I've always kept out of it. Then, not long after we met, he told me that I was going to help him and the guys move some drugs from New Jersey to the shop so he could use the shop as a distribution center. I told him no, but then he threatened...” I hesitated, then reminded myself that I couldn't be half-assed about this. She needed to know. “You. Cleo told him that you and I had been together, so he threatened you if I didn't help him.”
“You're blaming me for–”
“No!” I turned toward her, eyes wide. “No, I'm not. It's all on me. I'm just telling you everything.”
She nodded, her eyes flicking up to my face. “Okay. Keep going.”
The knot in my chest started to ease. She was listening. At least she was listening. “The guys and I went to Jersey, but the supplier didn't show. I didn't want to get involved in any of it, but Booker, he's not the kind of guy who takes no for an answer. More like the kind who does whatever it takes. I didn't want you or my m
om to get hurt.” I stole a glance at her and saw that she was watching me now. “And I didn't want either of you to know what was going on. So I hid it from both of you.”
“Is he the one who...” She gestured at my side.
“No, not exactly.” My hand went to my wound. The bandage was gone, and the injury had pretty much sealed itself, even if the muscles twinged if I turned wrong. “Booker decided he wanted us to steal the drugs from the supplier, so that night, I went to go meet the rest of the guys. But they weren't at the shop. Booker's cousin, Julius, was there. Julius deals in Jersey. It was his supplier we were supposed to rob. He had a gun, kept asking me questions like I'd already done something. Next thing I know, I was shot. I fell, heard him talking to someone else about how they weren't supposed to shoot me. I ran.”
“And where did you go the day after you showed up here?”
I stopped less than a foot away from her. “I went to the shop and told Georgie I was out, and that if anything happened to you or my mom, I'd start talking.”
She nodded slowly. “And?”
I crouched down until we were on eye level. “And I should have told you all of this as soon as I realized that I wanted more from you than just sex. But I was scared.”
Her eyes widened, and I hoped that was a good thing.
“I've never felt like this about anyone.” I wanted to touch her so badly, it almost hurt. “That alone was enough to terrify me. Then I thought about how you'd look at me if you knew what I did. So I hid things, lied. And then I realized how Booker could hurt you.” My voice shook, but I didn't try to stop it. “And I knew that would kill me.”
“It doesn't excuse what you did.” Her words were firm but quiet.
“No, it doesn't.” I let myself run my finger across her jaw. “But it's the truth.”
She was silent for a moment and then nodded. “I believe you.”
That was great, but I knew it was only part of the battle. She could believe me, and still not forgive me. When she didn't say anything else, I had to ask it. I couldn't leave without knowing if I'd lost her forever.